Standing Tall

I don't know if it is the medication that is calming my nerves, the walks or a combination of both but I have reached some sort of level of peace within my life and circumstances. Things are still extremely challenging emotionally and financially. I struggle every month simply to put decent food on the table and have enough gas to do the limited driving I do. This month, the month of feasting and thankfulness has been the absolute worst in terms of not having enough to make it. We had car insurance bills totaling $600.00 and there goes the gas and food budget. I won't belabor our financial woes. I try to keep those separate in my blog "Plunged Into Poverty," which I don't post as much on.

Anyway, I always say to the boys, "This is it guys - we've reached the end. I can't make it anymore and we'll be eating PB & J the last week of the month." They respond, "You tell us that every month and we always make it through and have yet to have a dinner of PB & J." Still it is so hard...

Yet despite it all I am committed to finding happiness or at least contentment even within these trying circumstances. I will stand as tall as I can and try to rise above all of this.

In the end, I believe what we should all strive for is to become the best we can both inside and out. And to sneak in a little happiness besides.

The Winking Owl wine is not that good but I have had a glass and feel the effects of mellowness. I haven't given up yet - a good belly laugh would be nice. Have to work on that. But I'm not afraid anymore to look for happiness and to even be happy. I'm not going to put it on hold anymore until my circumstances have improved. That's a huge shift for me.

An Early Bah Humbug

Is it just me or are others bothered by the Christmas decorations that are suddenly appearing? I want to enjoy turkeys and Pilgrims another week before having to think about trees, candy canes and Old Saint Nick. At the shopping centers there are holiday decorations right beside pots of fall mums and wreaths of leaves and gourds. Somehow, the bright greens and reds clash with the muted autumn colors.

I don't like disparity. And I like it even less since my husband died. I cringe at clashing colors and I want one holiday to be officially over before starting the next. A few days before Halloween the local hardware store actually had some inflatable snowmen out - talk about me having the heebie jeebies. Yesterday I heard the radio station that plays all Christmas music on the air. Years ago, they didn't start broadcasting the exclusive holiday music until Thanksgiving. Why is everything being moved up sooner?

It almost seems like we are shortchanging Thanksgiving and diminishing its meaning by rushing in the holiday season. What I learned from my husband's death was that it is important to savor the moments we have in our life and not try to hurry onto the next exciting event. Or maybe it also stems from the fact that when you're caring for someone very sick, life becomes so crazy and jumbled up that clarity and unity not disruption are longed for. I passed a home with Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations both up. Maybe if I ever live in a home again and have the opportunity to decorate my yard I'll put up a Thanksgiving display and keep it up through Christmas. That might give people some pause as to my meaning - it would be a protest of premature celebrations.

Wine Tasting

I haven't been much of a drinker the past seven years. Not that I don't enjoy a mixed drink before dinner or a glass of wine with dinner. And there were fun times when I got a bit tipsy during a night on the town with the girls. It is just that when my husband died, I became worried about being the sole provider for the boys and concerned about possible DUIs so I limited my drinking when I was out to only one and always with food. Then of course, I wasn't socializing that much anyway.

I suppose I could have indulged at home but I always felt that I needed to have as many of my wits about me caring for the boys 24/7. The last couple of days, however, I've had a craving for a glass of wine in the evening. Maybe it is that the days are getting shorter and colder. Or that I want to feel a bit more relaxed and mellow even beyond what my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds are providing.

So I took the big step and picked up a bottle of my favorite red, Cabernet Sauvignon at ALDI for the big cost of $2.99 a bottle. NEVER in my life have I purchased such a cheap bottle of wine but I see a lot of people buying it and there is a cute winking owl on the label which is the name brand.

Got home all excited about trying my cheap bottle of wine with my cheap comfort food dinner. This is what I always make when I need a comfort food dinner: mix a can of cream of chicken soup, 1/3 cup sour cream, cooked frozen vegetables and chopped cooked turkey or chicken in a baking pan. Top with prepared Stove Top Dressing and bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. There is never any left when I make this and the cost = about $3.50 total, only about $1.25 per person!

But after all the big build up, I couldn't find my cork screw! So the taste test is delayed until tomorrow when I can run to the dollar store for a new one. I will provide a rating.

I suppose the other insight from this post has to do with how much widowhood changes us. Habits we used to engage in regularly vanish from our lives. Widowhood truly impacts and influences us in so many ways at so many levels. My wine drinking habits, just a minor example - sometimes it blows my mind how my widowhood has so deeply affected me. Finally, buying this inexpensive bottle of wine is something I did for myself - a small measure of self-nurturing and care.

Friends

I received an email a few weeks ago from a woman I didn't recall knowing but I enjoyed it because it was all about the books she was reading and a number of them were ones I was interested in as well! Then the next week another email came and this one contained information about a weekly knitting group made up of about 30-40 women who rotate in and out. The email gave a description of the projects each woman who had attended the group that week had been working on. It dawned on me then that the email was from one of the women I randomly met at the knitting store I frequent and struck up a conversation with a few weeks back. She invited me to join the knitting group and asked for my email.

I haven't gone to a meeting yet because of football season and now they won't be meeting until after Thanksgiving but I am definitely going to attend the first week in December. There are two older widows in the group but still a connection and other women who although don't share my widowhood do face mid-life changes. It is not going to be easy to just show up and present myself to a group of strangers but the thing about knitting is that you can listen to others while keeping your hands busy and looking occupied. It was very nice that someone who doesn't know me took the time to add me to her email list and contact me.

I've written before about how widowhood has isolated me and that I have lost friendships I used to have because of my circumstances. Here is an opportunity to get back in a group and from there who knows where it will lead? I always believe that first steps result in others.

All of this reflection on friends made me consider the fact that sometimes I haven't been a good friend. I have two close girlfriends, both divorced and one has left me a phone voice mail message and another on Facebook, neither of which I've responded to. Widowhood sometimes robs me of my time management abilities. An issue comes up and I forget about the message. I use my circumstances as an excuse at times to not put the effort in I need to.

Friendship is a two way street as are relationships. They require give and take and the attention of both parties. I rationalize that because my divorced friends have lives a bit easier, they should do more of the "work." I realize that this is not the best attitude to take here. Yes, I have a stressful and tough life right now but that doesn't give me the excuse to totally throw in the towel. I may not be able to do as much as my girlfriends but I can do what I can. So I sent my girlfriend an email telling her I was thinking of her and wishing her well with the new man she is seeing. She wrote back and seemed very pleased that I'd thought of her and suggested we get together soon to talk. That will be something to look forward to.

I hate to say that I look at socializing as another job in among the many that are already crowding my plate. But I have to look at it as a job that will result in more good than negative and worth the extra effort I put into it. I do get so irritated that widows seem to have more than their share of jobs and that even non-jobs like maintaining friendships somehow become more tedious than they were before non-widowhood. I wish it were all easier and not so complicated all of the time.

Passing on the Path

"It's a beautiful day for a walk in the woods," the grandmotherly type woman said to me as we passed on the path, she with her family, me on my own. I replied that it was a bit chilly and blustery.

These past months of walking have resulted in me talking to those I pass. There was once a middle-aged guy who was sitting next to me in the picnic area eating a lunch of Popeye's Chicken while I knit. We chatted a while. I always make eye contact with everyone and smile. A lot of people walk their dogs. I remember my husband informing me when we rode the bike trails together that the rule of courtesy is to always acknowledge a fellow traveler on the path.

In a way, these walks have helped my social isolation. My social skills feel rusty much of the time. Yes, I talk the odd few words with store clerks and hellos to people I know at school affairs. But long, deep, heart felt one-on-ones are few and far between. Sometimes I think that I am losing my conversational ability. I know in the end, these brief encounters don't make up for the significant connections we humans need to have with others. But they count for something.

It is also the same way with hugs. Hugs are nice and meaningful in and of themselves. But what I really miss is the sense of connection I had with my husband, another human being. When I hugged him there was something almost sacred because of our commitment to one another, our being married and the fact that we knew each other so well. A hug among those who love deeply or are dear friends has more meaning than getting a massage to simply feel someone touching you.

I miss the physical contact and the intimate conversations. Brief hugs in greeting and brief nods of hello along the wooded path are only fill-ins for the deeper intimacy I hope someday to find again. I feel sad knowing that in the meantime there is something greater out there that I have experienced and to realize that there is nothing that can take the place of it. I won't pretend that my hellos on the path are more than they are or that I long for something more sacred. I guess it is like longing for a steak and having to settle for chicken. There remains a sense of unrest and lack of fulfillment.

Moving Beyond the Path

We had a week of unusually warm weather and it was lovely. Today we were struck again with reality, it was a typical November day in the Chicago suburbs - chilly, damp, grey, rain, blustery. But I went out and took my walk anyway. I luckily dodged the rain. I have been walking now since late August, almost every day. Just a half-hour. I've mapped the route out in the small forest preserve/park I go to near where I live so I know how many times I need to go around for 30 minutes. This walk has become something I look forward to greatly and now that I've started taking photos, there is even a more positive result.

I don't think the walk is doing that much in terms of exercise but it does have an impact on my overall mood. I like that I make time for myself and that I have kept up a goal for some months now. I'm not sure what will happen when the snow and real cold arrive, since I'm not a fan of winter. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today as I walked I thought about how knitting gives me a sense of power and control by being able to create a piece of work on my terms. Walking gives me a sense of control too.

When I was newly widowed I met a woman whose husband had been shot by a disgruntled co-worker at his job. She had two boys about the ages of mine when her husband died. She was retired and had remarried, active in her church and with her grandchildren. She related that soon after her husband's death she would wake early and go walking around her home while her sons were still asleep. It was the only time she could do so. She said that the walks were what ended up saving her.

I am grateful for the walks I have been taking. The steps around the path seem to give me courage to go on ahead. I sense that these walks are the beginning to my taking more steps in other directions - to a new job, meeting new people, getting out more socially. Tonight that hits home because now that football is over, the boys are each out with their friends and here I am, alone. It is time for me to take the steps to move beyond the wooded path and see where it leads me.

Frustration Tolerance

Life is made up of all these minor annoyances during our days: water heaters break, rude sales clerks, having to wait in endless lines, people who cut us off on the road and then give us the finger... In regard to that last one, can we please all grow up and just stop that? Can I call for "No one giving anyone the finger day" for one day a year? It is so rude and unnecessary. Anyway, you get my point.

This past week I've dealt with my share of frustrations. I'm trying to get my oldest son a new acne prescription that requires this pretty confusing and complicated registration process. We tried getting it for him in the spring and I eventually gave up. After a month of endless interactions with the drug company, the doctor and Walmart pharmacy I couldn't take it anymore. I figured it was no longer my job to try and figure it all out when the other professionals couldn't get it together and do so.

- We have a new doctor and are going through the same craziness. I spent one whole day earlier this week on the phone with the drug company and the doctor and made two trips to Walmart as well, hating that I used the gas for nothing. I also had to get a new prescription from the doctor which the drug company says wasn't needed but Walmart required so that was another trip to the doctor and Walmart. What I am told by the drug company is that my son is inactive in the system and needs to be reactivated. The doctor's office then calls the drug company and/or goes on line to register my son and are told he is reactivated and all systems are go. Then Walmart can't fill the order and we go through the whole process again.

- In the meantime, I took in my prescription for my anti-anxiety pills and the order couldn't be filled because the doctor hadn't put in a quantity. So I had to wait about a week for the refill because the doctor is only in the office a few days a week. I made it through but noticed that I was having trouble sleeping again not taking the pills and as my frustration increased with my son's prescription not getting filled I started wanting a pill to take to help calm my nerves.

- Wednesday night, 9:00 p.m., my oldest announces that he needs to wear black pants and a black shirt to play in a Veteran's Day assembly the next day. Thanks for the heads up! Thankfully, I try and wash his "good" clothes immediately after they are worn and hang them up so they were ready to go in the closet. Had they not have been, I'd had to stay up throwing in a load of laundry, just my favorite task to do at 10 p.m.!

- My oldest tells me that the oil light has been on in the van for a number of days and he needs an oil change. I become somewhat frantic worried that the van's engine has been burned out because of this. I speak sharply to my son and have to come up with $20.00 we don't have for an oil change, although I used a coupon and that helped save some money. In the end, the car guys said the oil was fine and it turns out my son noticed the oil light coming on when he started the van. It was never on when he was driving but it worried him. So, again, we could have made it through a couple more weeks without this extra expense. But he feels more secure driving now and we don't need another oil change until February. But talk about needing an anti-anxiety pill (Klonopin)! I truly thought we were headed for even more car repair bills.

- My youngest asked for my help with a craft project for school (extra credit for Chemistry). Go figure, crafts in Chemistry. I went to JoAnn's for felt, glue and pipe cleaners. Again, this former craft queen cringes having to spend any extra money for crafts right now. In fact, after the project was completed I went back to JoAnn's, which is next to Walmart anyway, to return two unused pieces of felt and a small bottle of tacky glue. I got back $1.26 but worth it to me. Those dollars and even pennies add up when you're living under reduced circumstances as we are. The sad part of this story, however, is that after significant effort helping with this silly project, my son failed to tell me that the animal we had to make out of felt needed to be stuffed. While working on the project there was even a bag of stuffing out on the chair beside us! As a result, my son only received 20 points out of 30. I know it is not my fault and all, it was just disappointing to learn of this oversight!

- I am leaving the best for last following my oldest son's statement to me that he is out of deodorant. I was in bed ready to go to sleep, when my youngest came in and threw a pair of jeans on top of me, saying, "Here is a contribution to Goodwill." I replied, "That was very rude of you to throw those on me like that." He stomped out of the room with a reply of "You're rude!" Yes, the fun of parenting adolescent males!

I'd say this is a fair share of little inconveniences and frustrations that happen to all of us. I think, however, that there are then the "bigger" ones looming in our lives. We have to balance between the day-to-day annoyances that pop up as well as the ongoing difficulties going on in our lives. In my case, the need for a new job and the job search, dealing with grave financial limitations, needing to get my sedan fixed but not having the extra funds to do so. We're short this month because of the $600.00 in car insurance that was due.

I dealt with frustrations pretty well when I was married - the smaller ones were easier to brush off and forget about and with my husband, we were always able to come together with solutions for the more major challenges. Now on my own, I don't do to well under the pressure of the little stuff combined with the big stuff. There seems to be something always to worry about and the small stuff is harder to just ignore.

At least I've figured out the best times to go to Walmart without having to wait in line with another 13 people! Yes, 13 people have been in front of me, more than once! Don't hit Walmart after work, between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m. or on weekend. And I learned how to get my photos off my phone onto the computer and then to my blog (all by myself, I'll add!). Yeah, non-techie Mom!