"What A Cute Bag!"

Hearing and receiving a compliment can go a long way toward brightening your spirit and outlook. I read something that made me reflect on this and had the realization that it has been ages since I've gotten one. And boy I miss it. I want to know that I look nice, or my outfit looks good or the color of my shirt compliments my complexion. Just something to know that I've been noticed and perceived favorably. These days I feel invisible much of the time.

Since widowhood, the aloneness of not sharing a life with a partner has led to some realizations. One of which is that I don't think people in general hear enough good things about themselves. So in an effort of scattering random acts of kindness, I became much more verbal in giving compliments when I'm out and about. This has been going on a number of years and increased two-fold after widowhood. I'm not a shy person so have always been willing to chat in check out lines and such. But now I seem to be on the lookout for noticing other people and wanting to convey positive comments about them.

Usually, it is about someone's appearance, their outfit, haircut, cute purse, shoes or coat. Sometimes I will remark about an interesting item in their shopping cart or notice the book they are reading. I have been known (to the horror of my sons while they are in the car) to stop in front of people's homes when they are out gardening to say, "I've been driving by your yard for years and it always makes me smile, it is so lovely and well-tended." For all the hype about Karma and receiving back what you give out, I don't hear many compliments in return. Kind of sad. Right now the compliment bank is on empty. And we can all use words of recognition and praise.

Being recognized came pretty naturally while I was married. My husband would compliment my cooking and the work or school reports I asked him to proof read. Whenever I bought I new outfit, I'd model it for him for his feedback, usually positive. I didn't feel neglected or invisible. We'd go out and I'd dress for the occassion because I wanted to look good for him, to please him and make him proud. It was important. I still want to look good for myself but the incentive isn't as driving as it was in the past.

"You look nice today." The power those four words can bring. To feel important and valued to someone. When I feel invisible, I begin to doubt myself. To assume I'm ugly, unattractive and getting dull.

A jewelry store has buttons printed with the message "You are loved." I think we all need to know and hear this. Yet living alone, reduces our opportunities to gain positive recognition. I don't care about my educational achievements or my parenting abilities. Sometimes we just need to hear a superficial "What a great haircut" to bring a smile and a sense of worthiness.

How Can I Use This?

I have been struggling throughout this summer with comparisons of my life to other's and have been sending out the plea, "How can I deal with all this adversity?" Today, maybe I received a reply.

Reading through the daily newsletter I receive daily, "Lifescript," I saw a link to the very topic of adversity and immediately clicked. It was a question posed in the May 5, 2009 newsletter by a woman who wrote, "I have experienced extreme hardship and advrsity. How do I deal with it?" Now I could have been the same one asking this so I eagerly read the reply from the resident life coach.

The reply began with the reality that periods of hardship come into everyone's life, that adversity is part of the life experience, but that yes, there are some people out there seeming to get more of their share - some people's experiences are more severe. I'm grateful for this acknowledgment because so often I think that people try to ignore this fact or try to diminish it by saying everyone deals with hardship, grief and pain. Just having someone nod their head in agreement that some of us get dealt a way heavier hand gives me some peace. It helps me not think I'm crazy or bitter for believing that my life hasn't been a bed of roses. But I'm getting off track with this. That isn't the point of this post. I just get frustrated when people try to diminish my hardships as I suppose anyone would by simply saying all humans end up suffering. Especially when the hardships I am trying to cope with don't seem to be abating.

But the real point here is for anyone suffering through hard times or adversity right now regardless of the severity is that all of us can benefit from adopting a different mindset. The key is not to ask "How can I get through this?" but instead, "How can I use this?" When I thought about this immediate relief flowed through me. I've been grasping at straws for the keys to help me endure this rough period of my life. And that might not be the way to help me through this. Prayer, positive thinking, emotional support from family and friends and counseling are all lifelines in times of trouble but they may not give us the motivation to strive forward that a new perspective does.

As an option to the self-help measures I've been seeking, asking myself "What can I learn from this pain?"

"How can I grow from this experience?" and

"How can I be a better person because of this hardship?

release me from trying to find a cure from my misery and heartache. I'm removed from having to fix myself and the situation immediately or to even feel better about it. I don't have to pretend I'm strong or to admit that this is a life lesson I'm happy to be learning. I can simply let the reality of my life be and exist around me while propelling forward with the hope that in the end, I'll become a better person. Such a relief. Because I'm not sure there are any answers out there to surviving adversity. You suck up and get through it as best you can and it is crummy and hard and painful.

I'm not going so far as to say that there is a silver lining behind all hardship - I'm not there yet. But I am willing to believe (with a glimmer) that from negative experiences, we can strive for better futures and that in the end, they can be built.

"How can I use this, what can I learn, how can I grow, how can I become a better person?" I don't have immediate answers to any of these questions right now but they seem to provide me with a relief "How can I get through this?" never did. It gives me more strength and power to hang in rather than try to totally delete this part of my life, which most of the time seems to be the best but not easiest option. Because in the end, you just can't cut out certain parts of your life - they're there and you're stuck with them as much as I wish the past seven years would just go away. But we are a sum total of all our parts and experiences from all our years here. So rather than fight and run away from the adversity beast, I have to finally face it.

Dog Days of Summer

It has been very hot here the past week as it has been across the country. There is a heat advisory until tomorrow night for Chicago. I grumble and am cranky in this weather. My hair gets frizzy, my face is shiny and I feel cooped up because it is too hot for much outdoor activity. Then I get upset that I have to run the air conditioner so much and I worry about next month's electric bill.

In the winter I curse the snowstorms and cold. It seems as though the weather is always unstable. There is never a calm period of a week or two of weather that is pleasant, clear and without excessive humidity or freezing below zero temps.

The weather extremes seem to echo my own life. I just want a period of relative calm where I can "recover" a bit from all the chaos that we've been living through. Just a week is all I ask. But there always seems to be something that comes up - emergencies with car reparis or financial setbacks. I'm begging for an opportunity to go to bed without fretting and to wake up without dread in my heart.

Maybe some people crave excitement and the energy and high that comes from the unknown. But give me the safe, stable and predictable. That is when I shine and grow. They say change forces you to become stronger, to expand beyond your boundaries. But I've come to find that I'm more likely to take risks and chances when the rest of my world is mundane and ordinary. When my world is out of control, I just want to retreat within and huddle inside - I become afraid to venture out and become lethargic and unmotivated. I suppose my depression and lack of motivation are ways to counteract the chaos I feel raging around my life. I am so afraid to leap out into the tornado of life, I slunk back into my burrow.

Dealing with the extremes and the out-of-the-ordinary take excess effort and I'm fatigued. I don't have the energy to start facing the world with a smile on my face and spring in my step when I've been trying to slay the dragons of figuring out how to feed my family with nothing left in the bank and juggling bills to fix the van. I need to revive myself and that sometimes comes about naturally with just a period without radical ups and downs. Maybe the cool front coming in over the weekend will be the start of that restoration.

To Those Living in the Light

I continue to reflect on the fact that I have been comparing myself and my life to that of others, who have it seemingly better. I read that we tend to do this when our lives are in the pits and I would agree with that - when times are especially challenging and hope is at a minimum, fear rampant. I've tried to take all the recent comments received and think on them with positive intent. But I continue to believe that life situations, problems and so on can be rated. I guess I am curious as to why when we live in a society that consantly "rates" events and things, that it is somehow so awful to compare yourself with others who have led less complicated and sorrowful lives. We rate and classify our driving insurance premiums, our weight, our blood pressure, heath, credit ratings, grades in school, academic as well as sporting ability, and looks., etc. Many of these "ratings" are beyond our control. So are some of the things that happen to us and befall our lives like the big "D."

And there are differences in situations and levels of grief. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to admit this. It is an observation, not a contest. An observation that yes, we look at the death of someone who dies at age 90 having lived a very full life differently from that of a person of 25 who dies. Death is crummy either way but I feel safe to say that it is significantly more sad for the 25 year old and their family.

Many of you wrote that comparisons serve no real purpose. In thinking about that I would say that one of the purposes they do serve is to hurt the person making the comparisons. The flash of envy I feel for the baseball mom pulling up in her Lexus doesn't pain her, but it does send a stab of hurt into me. I have determined that maybe some of the reasons I constantly set out my list of woes is to reassure myself that it isn't and hasn't been all my fault. My comparisons are in a lopsided way a kind of last ditch effort to make myself feel less to blame for what I've had to experience if that makes any sense. It makes me feel less of a failure and that I am a "bad" person deserving of having a husband who died and another who cruelly left me. Maybe pointing my finger at someone more fortunate serves some sort of survival purpose for me because I do believe that we engage in behaviors that at their core serve some value even if it may not seem that way to others.

Anger, resentment, frustration and even rage are all normal reactions to life stressors and grief. My problem is that I currently lack the skills to transfer those powerful emotions into something more constructive and healing. I can't just snap my fingers and stop feeling envy. I can be conscious of it when I feel that way and try to divert my focus elsewhere when it happens but it just doesn't happen immediately. The grief self-help books out there all acknowledge the reality of our emotions but I have not found any with step-by-step suggestions on how to "work on" these issues when they loom up out of control. And in this case, are my feelings really that abhorrent or deviant when the entire situation is taken into consideration? For a rough period of time when finances were stretched to the limit and I was in the constant company of the "Baseball Moms," I indulged in some comparisons and self-pity. I didn't neglect my sons, I was out there cheering the team and doing my best to stumble forward. I didn't yell at anyone or emit insults. I quitely obeserved, obsessed and was sad. Now the tide will slowly turn and I'll try to grapple with this issue to be able to more constructively move on.

What is ending up bothering me the most now that all the dust is settling, is that those of us truly suffering with a huge amount on our plates of bad stuff, are supposed to be somehow more virtuous than others. I'm supposed to act and feel normally and not make any waves. I'm supposed to be able to rise above the pettiness and jealousy accepted as a matter of course in other people's behavior.

One of the reason I continue these reflections is to give a voice to those out there suffering beyond the initial loss of a death - those struggling with other conflicts and hardships - multiple layers of grief and loss that stretch out the traditional mourning period for many years. That is a factor in all of this. Years of grief is wearying and tiresome. Strength and hope become buried and lost. To be grieving and hit with another bombshell and then another ends up with its own set of consequences. Bereavement becomes a bit more complicated, drawn out and frustrating. Especially when life keeps plunging downward instead of improving.

The Rabbi Pesach Krauss advises in "Why Me? Coping With Grief, Loss And Change" that it is futile to tell people what they're doing wrong when they are in the midst of feeling grief and despair. They will not be able to accept or process any advice. The key is to provide sympathy such as "I hear your frustration and upset in regard to the unfairness of life. And I know you are dealing with these painful feelings in an effort to get through and beyond them." He also believes that there are those of us who will reach for the light and those of us who will get buried in our bitterness, pain and hurt. I admire the great many of you who are valiantly moving toward and living in the light. The jury is still out on which direction I'm going to end up.

Ongoing Musings About Change

I don't think I adapt well to change - I've always resisted it and I'm not one who does well handling problems on their own. So for someone who has been forced to go it alone and had to face so much change not out of choice but out of necessity, yes, where I am right now is to look around me and put my hands up in frustration and defeat. Is this a stage of grief? It is not denial but a combination of rage and envy at the unfairness of life. How does someone work themselves out of this mindset? I can't just stop it or will it away. I have to work painfully through it.

I would be in a far different place if my husband had provided enough life insurance to pay off the house. But that wasn't my reality. Instead my reality is that I lost pretty much everything - my husband, my identity, my retirement, my security, my house, my financial resources, my place in the community, my entire world and life as I knew it. Again, I go back to the if we'd had enough life insurance. I wouldn't have lost my home, finances and so on. Those losses are just in addition to the main one of losing my husband, life partner, lover, friend and co-parent.

I feel like over the years I've lost pretty much everything with the exception of my health and the boys. That is a lot of loss and what I term as multiple losses and/or secondary grief losses. Some widows don't have to face financial destitution and I suppose there are others who are worse off than I am. But all I know is what I am dealing with and facing both past and present. I feel I have been stripped bare of everything that was a constant and known factor in my life. And I haven't done well going on and trying to pick up the pieces. Some of us aren't good in a crisis and lack survival skills or life skills or whatever you want to call them.

I've lost everything, I'm struggling to change, fit in, adapt and do the best I can raising two boys on my own. Am I supposed to go through life with blinders on oblivious to the fact that life isn't fair and others have far less of a hard time of it than I? I've always believed that there is both good and bad in the world and that somehow it all gets distributed evenly throughout one's life. But over the past seven years life has been so challenging I don't believe in the good much anymore. I am paranoid that evil and doom lurk behind every corner. The hope in my heart is dried up.

I believe that my attitude is based on how much loss I've had and how deeply it has cut into my soul. This is a perspective from someone who has faced significant loss (death of husband, divorce by second husband, major illness of younger son, death of mother, loss of home, loss of financial stability, loss of familial support, loss of boyfriend to move out-of-state). Those losses, and resulting stress and change are vastly different from that faced by say a 60-year-old woman with grown children and sufficient financial resources to stay in her home and live comfortably. I interacted with such a woman recently in the baseball stands, and while I was sympathetic to the loss of her husband, I had difficulty relating to her life otherwise. She didn't have to raise her kids singlehandedly.

I can't go through the rest of my life with blinders on blocking out the lives of others. So somehow I'll have to come to terms with all of this. And I hope to gain further insight into how those of us dealing with ongoing adversity after loss learn to deal with and cope with the aftershocks of grief. But in the meantime I don't apologize for feeling the way I do. Surely there has to be someone else out there who has struggled with this in the past or present.

Upheaval

This is an extension to my earlier post. Just the other day I was reading a novel (Big Stone Gap by Adriana Trigiani) in which the main character faces the death of her mom and moving from her home. The author mentioned how these two events are at the top of life stressors. Reading this was interesting to me because I had been contemplating this very issue. I will use the example of the annoying baseball mom and the hypothetical issue of her caring for her parents. In real life her dad attends all the games and both parents are spry and chipper. But for the sake of an example I'll alter the situation so she is caring for elderly, sick, feeble-minded parents.

On its face, of course this is a difficult and trying situation. Many of us baby boomers are involved in this aspect of life. But it is generally easier (physically and emotionally) for a married woman to be involved in this task compared to a widowed mom with young kids as I was when I was involved with caregiving. So it is not the sad aspect of the situation that is different (caring for aging parents) but rather the circumstances surrounding that situation.

When I look at other people's lives what hits me is not that they don't have to face problems or grief, but rather that they haven't had to deal with so much upheaval in their lives. Perhaps that is where the difference lies. And it ends up having nothing to do with problems or grief but rather the upheavals surrounding difficulty.

The upheaval surrouding the death of a spouse and being left with children to raise alone affects so many aspects and areas of one's life, I don't have a short and sweet way to describe it. You are thrown into a tailspin, left reeling, spinning and dizzy, yet expected to get up, dust yourself off and bravely march forward. That is upheaval. Moving from a large home and into an apartment, selling a home to avoid foreclosure, packing and sorting and tossing all by oneself with no one to lean on is upheaval. Example baseball mom didn't lose a spouse and spend the next set of years raising kids alone. Nor was she forced to leave her home.

Yes, she experienced the normal range of daily annoyances we all do but she had the support of her husband next to her. So in the end it is easier for her to cope, deal with and face the issue of her aging parents. She has more energy and resolve because there has been less upheaval in her life.

The definition of upheaval is great agitation and change. When I look around me at the other women in my community, I don't see any who have moved or had to cope with the death of their spouse. Those are events of such magnitude, agitation and change. I think that is where my frustration has been lying. That the seesaw is so tilted in regard to the amount of upheaval the boys and I have had to face vs. less upheaval of others.

There is reason to be concerned. Some days I am so worried about finances and how the boys are going to get through college I believe I am at risk for cancer and/or a heart attack. It is widely believed that people with less emotional support in their lives face greater stress and greater health problems. Married folks (even those with problems and what marriage is perfect) have better health than those who are unmarried and desire to be so. I feel all of this when I'm with the moms and parents of my community.

There are various stress tests out there (even Dr. Phil had one in one of his books) that rate life events. If some of us have experienced far more of those events in our lives, of course our lives, perspectives and feelings are going to be different than those who have not. How can the bridge of understanding be crossed to give acknowledgment to those differences? Why is it such a bad thing for someone to say, "Gee, she's had to face a heck of a lot" instead of trying to always have an even playing score. Life isn't fair. People's experiences aren't either. What's the purpose of those life stressor tests anyway when all is said and done in the end?

I want to get past the feelings of unfairness and betrayal I feel when I compare my life to that of others. But it isn't easy for me to dismiss - perhaps because I am still struggling and life is so hard. Maybe these feelings will only dissipate when my life improves a bit and I start to regain some of the footing I've lost. Maybe when you're still caught up in the struggle it is too hard to be able to stand back and have a more alturistic nature.

There is a difference between a grief event/experience and then the upheaval that comes afterward. They are not one and the same. Maybe this all has nothing to do with grief but rather surviving upheaval, hardships and change that have wrecked havoc on my life the past seven years.

America's Got Talent

I continue this blog for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it is a way for me to grapple with and come to terms with my feelings. Sometimes I'm not clear about what I feel and setting out my quandries here, is a way to gain perspective. Secondly, this blog allows me to obtain the feedback of others and to interact with other interesting, intelligent people. There is a lot to be said for that. Maybe the most important reason for blogging is the hope that in my doing so, I increase or broaden the perspectives of others, be they widowed or not. This blog has kind of moved beyond the topic of grief to encompass adversity in general. I hope that in sharing my feelings, a greater understanding of what it is like to live under trying circumstances is reached. And one of my main goals is to illustrate the life of a person affected by multiple losses since that is not often discussed. Maybe in trying to deal with my life, I'll end up helping others in some, small way.

I've been giving a great deal of thought to the issue of unfairness of late. No doubt triggered by being around all the families at the baseball fields. We live in a town of higher than average income. For instance, I know of no one who has "lost" their home and had to move to an apartment. I know one family that has struggled to hang on to their home with the mortgage crisis with Countrywide and two who sold their mini mansions to move to smaller homes. So I do struggle with this issue because along with feeling alone and isolated because of widowhood and not having much of a support network, I also feel the stigma of being the only one to have lost my home. Now of course I know there have to be some folks in my community who have indeed lost their homes. But when you don't know of any, that is not much help or consolation.

I asked my girlfriend about all of this as it has been troubling me so. She agreed that the parents and families she knows have been pretty much spared hardship from the recession, etc. She attributes it to the fact that the circles we are involved with, or our kids are involved with, are simply made up of higher income people who can afford travel baseball. We're not around struggling people, therefore, we don't know of anyone dealing with severe crisis. And while I do know that people don't air their dirty laundry, it is not the same for a married mom of two to be caring for aging parents when she has a husband to lean on and rely on vs. my situation when I was involved in the same activity as a widowed mom of two young sons.

Part of my frustration could be labeled the "America's Got Talent" syndrome. I've never seen the show before this year - I guess last summer I was too busy packing up the house for our move. But the boys and I have watched it when we haven't been at baseball games. The whole concept of the show has really been bothering me. If you haven't seen it, it it a huge nationwide talent show in which adults and kids can pretty much compete with whatever talent they have. So you have singers, dancers and fire blazing magicians competing alongside others hand whistling and playing the harmonica. There are five year olds and 75 year olds! It is kind of a crazy, hodge podge mess!

What bothers me is that I don't think you can fairly judge apples to oranges. I want all the singers to be in their own competition and then even separated by those who compose their own songs vs. those who sing Fleetwood Mac. I want a junior vs. adult competition. I want the dancers to all perform in a sole dance show. How can you fairly compare a harmonica player with a hand whistler? Before this show I didn't even know hand whistling existed! Maybe the point is that you just can't compare such diverse people, talents, ages and acts. In the end, popularity and the performers who fit into the mainstream will be the ones who come out ahead.

Anyway, back to my own musing. I really get that EVERYONE our there is dealing with their own troubles. But what I struggle with is that all troubles are not created equal. Just as all talent isn't either. There are greater losses than others and some of us have had to face more than our share. That is my point. I won't dwell on it. But I did want to try and clarify my view on this topic.

So in the end what does this all mean for me? I guess I just want a bit of compassion expressed to those of us facing a significant amount of adversity. For others not to immediately jump in and chime "But everyone has problems." And I suppose I'm still trying to come up with helpful solutions to my own situation. How can those of us really struggling have an easier time of it? Where can we turn for more support? How can we learn to balance our problems with hope? For those of us with multiple losses, we're already tired and bogged down from having had to face numerous struggles. So it is a double whammy of dealing with loss and stress such as moving from a home, while facing adversity such as financial hardship. A mixture of grief, stress and anxiety all in one! No wonder the young woman who left home at 16 and was in foster care moved on in the AGT competition. Her story touched at the heartstrings of America even if she sang slightly offtune.