Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Hamster Has A Short Break

I did get away the past few days from Mon. night until I left around 12:30 today, Thur., arriving home around 4:30. Although I was conflicted about going, I am so glad I did. I should have done this years ago and need to start doing it more for myself and my sanity.

Being an only parent, there is just never a break from the overwhelming responsibility. And the real thing is, is that as an only parent, your kids rely on you more. They need you more and you give more. It is a tough situation. You give and give. But if you're not taking care of yourself to rest and relax, there becomes much less to give, even when you need to give more. It's like you are a hamster on that wheel racing around and never having an opportunity to get off for a breather.

To have a few days off from the constant pressure of being on and having to always hold it together has been a life saver. The time was too short. I wish I could have stayed a week. The best part of my visit was to feel the family dynamic that is missing in the interaction I have with my boys. Although we are a family unit of course, there is a gaping hole with the absence of a male father figure for my boys and husband for me. I just feel more comfortable, safe and secure having a strong male presence to lean on. And I did have that during my time with Sam and his son. I feel more complete and a better person interacting with a partner by my side.

It was difficult for me to leave. I have returned to the daily grind and my life as an only parent. Sam called me just as I got in to tell me he already misses me. It is a crappy situation to be involved in a LDR when it would be far better to combine households - it would make a huge difference financially. I know I'd be emotionally happier. But Sam has come to believe that it is best for the boys to continue their high school educations here. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it another two years going this route.

It seems as though life just grows more complicated as widowhood goes on. It is not getting easier, nor have I gotten more used to it. A mini-vacation brings out more questions than it does put them to rest.

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