First football game of the season. I was proud of seeing my son play and his role as defensive captain. But sitting in those stands alone brings such pain on my soul. I could feel myself seeth at all the women around me, leaning into their husbands, having their husbands help them up the steep steps, hating them as they smiled and waved to friends - other married moms. I despise myself that I feel such anger and resentment toward people I don't even know.
My close girlfriend sat with me a short while, then a woman behind me chatted throughout the game. It was nice that she made an effort to communicate. Most people don't. And I did my best to be pleasant as we talked.
I see myself as careworn. All this worry about finances and parenting on my own has been hard. I don't readily smile. I'm sure I look anxious and upset when I'm out. There is too much on my plate and I think it has started to show. No longer can I keep it inside me - it has started to seep out with the way I look externally. I would go as far to say that widowhood's toll is doing nothing to help my looks. I am feeling ugly and it has gone beyond a bad hair day.
The other women in the stands tonight looked more rested, prettier, less stressed, up-to-date, thinner, healthier. I am beginning to feel and look like a frump. I need a hair cut, new clothes that fit (mine are baggy). In short, I really think I need an entire makeover. It would perk me up and make me feel better about myself. In my opinion, if anyone is in need of a beauty makeover it would be a widow. If ever I am in a position to give back in the future, that will be my mission. To participate in a program or start one that provides makeovers to women in my position. God, I would be happy right now with a box of Crest Whitening Strips - any little boost to raise my spirits and provide a lift.