As difficult and trying as life is and can be, I tell you, it just isn't a total loss when there are Taffy Apples for sale again, and brownies in the adorable shape of footballs (Little Debbie Snack Cakes).
The reason I am so rejuvenated after my nature walks is because I can see the miracle of nature around me. There is something bigger than me, a plan in place that goes far beyond my trivial problems (trivial to the world, not so much for me). But anyway, you get the idea. I am just a little cog in the sphere and space of the Universe. This is what I comprehend when I see a perfectly shaped red leaf float down from a tree and land at my feet.
There is a saying that no matter what life throws at you, you can always bake a cake. I'm not so much of a cake baker but I do love to bake bread, muffins and cookies. So we have had a nice sampling of apple, pear and pumpkin breads of late.
I continue to struggle facing up to all the changes that are necessary for me to go on from here to rebuild my life from the bottom up. I wish it were easier. Sometimes I still feel like giving up and packing it all in. But then I think about apple cider and putting together a German fest feast for the fun of it. And I realize there is still a lot worth living for - the little, unexpected pleasures that are part of our lives and oftentimes go unnoticed or taken for granted. It is focusing on those little joys and holding on to them with all our might when so much of the rest of the world rages turbulently around us.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
When Your Best Is Good Enough
Earlier, this summer, I titled a post "When Your Best Isn't Good Enough" and it was about falling short even after 110% had been given. I am happy to say that this week and weekend I felt that my best was enough, in fact, more than enough.
Homecoming Week - full of many extra activities and tensions. Sons worried about when to shave and breaking out. My youngest was embarrassed he doesn't know how to tie a tie and went on Youtube and figured out how to do it.
My youngest had a lot of excitement as a Powder Puff dancer and performed at the start of the week for the girls' Powder Puff football game and then for the school assembly later in the week. I was proud of him for participating as a male dancer - his older brother did it last year and it was so much fun. The football announcer called the boys' routine a "spectacle!" Just lots of fun and laughter. My youngest is less outgoing than my oldest but still very popular in his own right.
Then there were the football games for my oldest but he didn't see much playing time this week. His girlfriend's birthday was this week which added to the already hectic tone, since he had to go and get her gifts. Then there was a costume fitting for Show Choir no less, as well!
The boys and I ended up scraping together suit jackets, dress shirts and shoes that still fit. Although my oldest wore a shirt a little tight and my youngest son's shoes were a bit tight too. We ended up finding a new pair of dress pants for my youngest at the resale shop for only $4.00. Both boys contributed their own money to the dance but still needed some help from me. I chipped in for the dry cleaning, part of the money for a new tie for my youngest, gas money for my oldest and some money for the flowers for my oldest son's girlfriend. My youngest paid for his flowers. Both boys paid for the tickets and dinners on their own for themselves and their dates.
I have written before that I think these dances take up a great deal of "mom time" and for a mom already pressed for time it is even more stressful. The place where I usually order the flowers had an earlier order cutoff than usual and I was later in ordering than usual too because my oldest son's girlfriend didn't decide on what dress to wear until the last minute - and you need to know the color in order to get the flowers. So I had to find another flower place and ended up just going to the local grocery store floral department and they turned out fine - not as nice as what we usually get but acceptable. I was proud of myself for not over stressing out as I raced around to the resale shop, dry cleaners and florist.
I was in negotiations with the nice young florist making up the flowers for about an hour because my youngest son's date's dress was an unidentifiable color - some shade between blue and purple. There were no ribbons or flowers that matched the dress color so we ended up going with a mixture of blue and purple. Thank goodness my oldest son's girlfriend requested red roses. That was easy.
My youngest son and I spent two, yes, a total of two hours at our Kohl's trying to match a tie to the color of the purple-blue dress. I really liked a purple tie better - it changed shades from blue to purple depending on where you stood! My poor son had to go out to the parking lot for reception showing pictures of the tie choices to various friends on his phone for their opinions. Unfortunately, his date, the one whose opinion really mattered was in cheerleading practice and couldn't be reached. We ended up getting the purple tie. But then my son took it to school the next day and his date wanted the blue one, so I ran back to Kohl's to make the exchange.
The entire time I was in Kohl's I just kept repeating to myself, "Yes, life!" This is due to Flo's suggestion a few posts back - thanks Flo! Yes, the whole homecoming week and dance are stressful, especially for an only mom, but the end result is that my sons had good times, have wonderful friends who are nice kids to hang out with and had a decent dinner out. I was so impressed with my youngest about the crazy tie ordeal. He just kept telling me that he wanted to make his date happy, she is really just a friend vs. a romantic interest. Although he could care less about the tie, its color or style, he wanted to please this girl and give her what she wanted because the dance meant more to her than it did to him.
My youngest wanted me to go to the photo session at one of our country clubs where my oldest and his crowd was eating, since he is a senior. He also said that he was going to the dance more as a favor to this girl as a friend. But he promised to get me photos. And I can go next years when he is a senior. There was some pressure after he got picked up for the dance and had to come back because he'd forgotten the dance tickets!
So I went to the country club where it seems we just were for Prom and this time my mood was much improved since I had taken an anti-anxiety pill beforehand. Going and being alone isn't fun period for me and it never will be but I wasn't as moody or grumpy and tried to smile and act lighter than I have in previous years.
So in the end, despite our living under reduced circumstances, and the stress and strain of me being an only parent, which I hate, my best was good enough. The boys had a worthwhile time, both looked very handsome and I didn't totally freak out in Kohl's! Now both boys tell me they are going to the Homecoming dance at our other school in town, in mid-October. Both boys have friends at both schools and my oldest son's girlfriend goes there. They have assured me this dance will be easier to get through. I guess being popular has its price. But I have a few weeks to recover and maybe this time I'll just place the flower orders now!
Homecoming Week - full of many extra activities and tensions. Sons worried about when to shave and breaking out. My youngest was embarrassed he doesn't know how to tie a tie and went on Youtube and figured out how to do it.
My youngest had a lot of excitement as a Powder Puff dancer and performed at the start of the week for the girls' Powder Puff football game and then for the school assembly later in the week. I was proud of him for participating as a male dancer - his older brother did it last year and it was so much fun. The football announcer called the boys' routine a "spectacle!" Just lots of fun and laughter. My youngest is less outgoing than my oldest but still very popular in his own right.
Then there were the football games for my oldest but he didn't see much playing time this week. His girlfriend's birthday was this week which added to the already hectic tone, since he had to go and get her gifts. Then there was a costume fitting for Show Choir no less, as well!
The boys and I ended up scraping together suit jackets, dress shirts and shoes that still fit. Although my oldest wore a shirt a little tight and my youngest son's shoes were a bit tight too. We ended up finding a new pair of dress pants for my youngest at the resale shop for only $4.00. Both boys contributed their own money to the dance but still needed some help from me. I chipped in for the dry cleaning, part of the money for a new tie for my youngest, gas money for my oldest and some money for the flowers for my oldest son's girlfriend. My youngest paid for his flowers. Both boys paid for the tickets and dinners on their own for themselves and their dates.
I have written before that I think these dances take up a great deal of "mom time" and for a mom already pressed for time it is even more stressful. The place where I usually order the flowers had an earlier order cutoff than usual and I was later in ordering than usual too because my oldest son's girlfriend didn't decide on what dress to wear until the last minute - and you need to know the color in order to get the flowers. So I had to find another flower place and ended up just going to the local grocery store floral department and they turned out fine - not as nice as what we usually get but acceptable. I was proud of myself for not over stressing out as I raced around to the resale shop, dry cleaners and florist.
I was in negotiations with the nice young florist making up the flowers for about an hour because my youngest son's date's dress was an unidentifiable color - some shade between blue and purple. There were no ribbons or flowers that matched the dress color so we ended up going with a mixture of blue and purple. Thank goodness my oldest son's girlfriend requested red roses. That was easy.
My youngest son and I spent two, yes, a total of two hours at our Kohl's trying to match a tie to the color of the purple-blue dress. I really liked a purple tie better - it changed shades from blue to purple depending on where you stood! My poor son had to go out to the parking lot for reception showing pictures of the tie choices to various friends on his phone for their opinions. Unfortunately, his date, the one whose opinion really mattered was in cheerleading practice and couldn't be reached. We ended up getting the purple tie. But then my son took it to school the next day and his date wanted the blue one, so I ran back to Kohl's to make the exchange.
The entire time I was in Kohl's I just kept repeating to myself, "Yes, life!" This is due to Flo's suggestion a few posts back - thanks Flo! Yes, the whole homecoming week and dance are stressful, especially for an only mom, but the end result is that my sons had good times, have wonderful friends who are nice kids to hang out with and had a decent dinner out. I was so impressed with my youngest about the crazy tie ordeal. He just kept telling me that he wanted to make his date happy, she is really just a friend vs. a romantic interest. Although he could care less about the tie, its color or style, he wanted to please this girl and give her what she wanted because the dance meant more to her than it did to him.
My youngest wanted me to go to the photo session at one of our country clubs where my oldest and his crowd was eating, since he is a senior. He also said that he was going to the dance more as a favor to this girl as a friend. But he promised to get me photos. And I can go next years when he is a senior. There was some pressure after he got picked up for the dance and had to come back because he'd forgotten the dance tickets!
So I went to the country club where it seems we just were for Prom and this time my mood was much improved since I had taken an anti-anxiety pill beforehand. Going and being alone isn't fun period for me and it never will be but I wasn't as moody or grumpy and tried to smile and act lighter than I have in previous years.
So in the end, despite our living under reduced circumstances, and the stress and strain of me being an only parent, which I hate, my best was good enough. The boys had a worthwhile time, both looked very handsome and I didn't totally freak out in Kohl's! Now both boys tell me they are going to the Homecoming dance at our other school in town, in mid-October. Both boys have friends at both schools and my oldest son's girlfriend goes there. They have assured me this dance will be easier to get through. I guess being popular has its price. But I have a few weeks to recover and maybe this time I'll just place the flower orders now!
Friday, September 24, 2010
I Want to be a Rock Hound
It was the fourth anniversary of my fated remarriage yesterday. Last year with moving and the year before with going through the divorce, I didn't focus or reflect much on the day. But this year there was extra space in my brain and much of the day was spent remembering the actual day, which was so lovely and full of hope. There was the anticipation of happiness which has been so lacking in my life these days.
I won't dwell on the whys or reasons of the marriage's demise. I deeply regret that my ex wasn't able to hang in there a bit longer. I think we had tremendous potential and it saddens me for the wasted and lost opportunities for love.
What I mainly contemplated during the day were all the activities my ex and I used to enjoy and engage in. We had a good time with shared interests and we liked spending time together.
We shared the Sunday paper on mornings spent at the ball field during the boys' baseball games, while sipping Starbucks. My ex introduced me to Starbucks - I'd never been there before meeting him because I am a tea drinker and thought they just served coffee. Boy was I in for a delightful surprise!
We enjoyed going to a Friday night fish fry in my locality - it became a tradition on our weekends. Since our breakup two years ago, I've never been back and the food was so good! I miss it.
I used to knit while my ex read the paper (he was a paper reading fanatic) and I found a vintage cross stitch sampler of a couple with the woman knitting while the husband read the paper. It was so cute and symbolized us as a couple.
We collected American antique art glass at my suggestion because I wanted us to have a new hobby we started together. We both got very into it and amassed a lovely collection by the time we divorced. He ended up with the entire collection and I wish he had been gracious enough to at least offer me one of the pieces as a memory. Since the divorce, Sam and I started our own little collection and I've gotten some of the smaller, less expensive pieces on my own. But it doesn't compare with the hours that my ex and I spent talking about our collection, sorting, organizing and cataloging it. It brought us a great deal of joy - just looking at it and remembering where and when we found certain pieces.
My ex and I shared the interest of rock collecting and had plans to hunt for fossils, diamonds and gem stones across the country. I had visions of displaying our finds in cases. We also loved to travel and had hoped to take short and long trips around and about.
And gardening! He was into vegetables and I was into flowers. I had ideas of revamping the back yard and turning the patio into a relaxing retreat.
We did some cooking together too. And both of us liked to get dressed up once in awhile for a fancy night on the town. I had hoped to entertain for his co-workers and have family over for big holiday celebrations.
When we read, he shared his news stories and he liked me telling him about the novels I was reading.
All such wonderful and fun shared interests and activities. Thinking of them throughout the other day I felt mostly happy because these are things that charge and excite me. I miss having them in my life. Basically my life is pretty much drudgery with not much enjoyment. When you have all that inspiration and creativity in your life shared with someone and then it just disappears it is hard to cope with that loss.
I want this stuff back in my life but lack the funds, time or partner to share them all with. I want to be a rock hound. I want to find a fellow rock hound to go rock hounding with me. Anyone out there? Chili chef and gardening fanatic are optional but would be nice too!
What I noticed most about my day of reminiscing was how little I write or even reflect of things that bring me happiness. Thinking of these activities brought me quite a bit of joy even thought I wasn't actually doing any of them. I sure need some more joy in my life.
I won't dwell on the whys or reasons of the marriage's demise. I deeply regret that my ex wasn't able to hang in there a bit longer. I think we had tremendous potential and it saddens me for the wasted and lost opportunities for love.
What I mainly contemplated during the day were all the activities my ex and I used to enjoy and engage in. We had a good time with shared interests and we liked spending time together.
We shared the Sunday paper on mornings spent at the ball field during the boys' baseball games, while sipping Starbucks. My ex introduced me to Starbucks - I'd never been there before meeting him because I am a tea drinker and thought they just served coffee. Boy was I in for a delightful surprise!
We enjoyed going to a Friday night fish fry in my locality - it became a tradition on our weekends. Since our breakup two years ago, I've never been back and the food was so good! I miss it.
I used to knit while my ex read the paper (he was a paper reading fanatic) and I found a vintage cross stitch sampler of a couple with the woman knitting while the husband read the paper. It was so cute and symbolized us as a couple.
We collected American antique art glass at my suggestion because I wanted us to have a new hobby we started together. We both got very into it and amassed a lovely collection by the time we divorced. He ended up with the entire collection and I wish he had been gracious enough to at least offer me one of the pieces as a memory. Since the divorce, Sam and I started our own little collection and I've gotten some of the smaller, less expensive pieces on my own. But it doesn't compare with the hours that my ex and I spent talking about our collection, sorting, organizing and cataloging it. It brought us a great deal of joy - just looking at it and remembering where and when we found certain pieces.
My ex and I shared the interest of rock collecting and had plans to hunt for fossils, diamonds and gem stones across the country. I had visions of displaying our finds in cases. We also loved to travel and had hoped to take short and long trips around and about.
And gardening! He was into vegetables and I was into flowers. I had ideas of revamping the back yard and turning the patio into a relaxing retreat.
We did some cooking together too. And both of us liked to get dressed up once in awhile for a fancy night on the town. I had hoped to entertain for his co-workers and have family over for big holiday celebrations.
When we read, he shared his news stories and he liked me telling him about the novels I was reading.
All such wonderful and fun shared interests and activities. Thinking of them throughout the other day I felt mostly happy because these are things that charge and excite me. I miss having them in my life. Basically my life is pretty much drudgery with not much enjoyment. When you have all that inspiration and creativity in your life shared with someone and then it just disappears it is hard to cope with that loss.
I want this stuff back in my life but lack the funds, time or partner to share them all with. I want to be a rock hound. I want to find a fellow rock hound to go rock hounding with me. Anyone out there? Chili chef and gardening fanatic are optional but would be nice too!
What I noticed most about my day of reminiscing was how little I write or even reflect of things that bring me happiness. Thinking of these activities brought me quite a bit of joy even thought I wasn't actually doing any of them. I sure need some more joy in my life.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Bone Weary
I am exhausted. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I am drained to the bone and have no motivation or energy. The little bit of energy I can eek out goes toward making dinner and forcing myself to take a half hour nature walk. That restores me a little. But I feel as though I am giving up and that whatever I do or don't do from here on in doesn't matter anyway.
How did I reach this place? Is it an accumulation of all the grief and losses over the past few years combined with the stress of living and parenting on my own? I guess it has all just caught up with me and I am left holding the bag of weariness. I do think a large part of it has to do with the only parenting. I do not believe any one should have to assume and face parenting without any support as I have. If single parents lack family support there need to be better and more available programs in place to provide assistance. I know that despite my education and intelligence, that this job has been the most difficult of my life and that it has been costly to my emotional and physical health.
My Mom used to tell me about two of her aunts who had lost their husbands while they were still raising children and the entire family rallied around them to provide support. I know in today's day and age that is less likely to occur. But that doesn't mean it is right.
It is not just the solo parenting and constantly having to make the decisions and dole out the consequences and be the moral instructor. There is no one to bounce off ideas to, or to fill up my emotional tank while I am engaged in the task of caring for others.
Today I went to the doctor for more tests related to my high blood pressure. There had been a mix-up with the prescription so it couldn't be filled until today. I was told to go immediately to WalMart to pick it up and take a pill right then and there. Concern was expressed for my constant headaches and the possibility I'll pass out while driving. I went and did as instructed feeling as I went through the motions, so what? I have no one to share this with, no one who is worried about my health. If I pass out and crash the sedan still needing $600.00 in repairs the only ones with a loss at stake are my sons. That aspect of my life horrifies me. That my social circle has dwindled to the point of me having meaning to only my sons.
I write about this a lot - what I call the fatigue and drain of widowhood. Getting up everyday and going through the day alone, sometimes not talking to anyone but my sons. I know that living and feeling alone are awful for anyone, but I know from my own experience that it has been hard parenting at the same time. I would have made a much better and able widow at age 60 with the kids grown, than I did still having to raise them throughout most of their childhood on my own.
I am hopeful that the anti-depressant medication will kick in soon and provide some relief from my apathy and tiredness. I am also hopeful that once I obtain a job somewhat related to social services that I will feel as though I am making a greater contribution and better about myself. I hope that leads me to meeting people I can relate to socially so my circle will expand and I can feel less alone. I want to remain hopeful that this too will pass and someday I will be involved in an intimate relationship that brings me peace of mind, security, love and affection - keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
But in the meantime I still have to cross this bridge of hard terrain stretching out in front of me. Why is it that my moods are so volatile? Before widowhood I was never like this. Yes, there were days I was bitchy or cross, sometimes even a bit down. But never to the degree of what I have felt over the past years and never the amount of fatigue and wanting to give up. Those moods from my old life passed quickly and were forgotten. These days the highs and lows are frequent and my lows stay longer than the highs. In the past eight years there has been far more sadness than joy - more hardship than ease. I'm not even sure I care that much about happiness and joy anymore. Just some stability, enough to eat and a few people who care that I'm alive, who value my presence. Perhaps when all is said and done, that is what really matters.
How did I reach this place? Is it an accumulation of all the grief and losses over the past few years combined with the stress of living and parenting on my own? I guess it has all just caught up with me and I am left holding the bag of weariness. I do think a large part of it has to do with the only parenting. I do not believe any one should have to assume and face parenting without any support as I have. If single parents lack family support there need to be better and more available programs in place to provide assistance. I know that despite my education and intelligence, that this job has been the most difficult of my life and that it has been costly to my emotional and physical health.
My Mom used to tell me about two of her aunts who had lost their husbands while they were still raising children and the entire family rallied around them to provide support. I know in today's day and age that is less likely to occur. But that doesn't mean it is right.
It is not just the solo parenting and constantly having to make the decisions and dole out the consequences and be the moral instructor. There is no one to bounce off ideas to, or to fill up my emotional tank while I am engaged in the task of caring for others.
Today I went to the doctor for more tests related to my high blood pressure. There had been a mix-up with the prescription so it couldn't be filled until today. I was told to go immediately to WalMart to pick it up and take a pill right then and there. Concern was expressed for my constant headaches and the possibility I'll pass out while driving. I went and did as instructed feeling as I went through the motions, so what? I have no one to share this with, no one who is worried about my health. If I pass out and crash the sedan still needing $600.00 in repairs the only ones with a loss at stake are my sons. That aspect of my life horrifies me. That my social circle has dwindled to the point of me having meaning to only my sons.
I write about this a lot - what I call the fatigue and drain of widowhood. Getting up everyday and going through the day alone, sometimes not talking to anyone but my sons. I know that living and feeling alone are awful for anyone, but I know from my own experience that it has been hard parenting at the same time. I would have made a much better and able widow at age 60 with the kids grown, than I did still having to raise them throughout most of their childhood on my own.
I am hopeful that the anti-depressant medication will kick in soon and provide some relief from my apathy and tiredness. I am also hopeful that once I obtain a job somewhat related to social services that I will feel as though I am making a greater contribution and better about myself. I hope that leads me to meeting people I can relate to socially so my circle will expand and I can feel less alone. I want to remain hopeful that this too will pass and someday I will be involved in an intimate relationship that brings me peace of mind, security, love and affection - keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
But in the meantime I still have to cross this bridge of hard terrain stretching out in front of me. Why is it that my moods are so volatile? Before widowhood I was never like this. Yes, there were days I was bitchy or cross, sometimes even a bit down. But never to the degree of what I have felt over the past years and never the amount of fatigue and wanting to give up. Those moods from my old life passed quickly and were forgotten. These days the highs and lows are frequent and my lows stay longer than the highs. In the past eight years there has been far more sadness than joy - more hardship than ease. I'm not even sure I care that much about happiness and joy anymore. Just some stability, enough to eat and a few people who care that I'm alive, who value my presence. Perhaps when all is said and done, that is what really matters.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Social Graces
The other day when I went into the grocery store where I scout for discounted specials, one of the employees passed me and commented that I am always in there. I just smiled and walked by because I felt offended that I'd been noticed and I suppose somewhat ashamed that I'm in there daily to try and snatch a deal. But afterward, I thought about my attitude and the next time I saw this woman, I initiated conversation and admitted that I go in almost daily to check out the deals. She replied that her mother always used to do the same. I felt better that I'd counteracted my previous unfriendliness. I've been going to this grocery store for over 10 years - of course, the clerks know me. There is no reason for me to be ungracious or rude. So what if I go in every day to look for specials? The store comes out ahead because of my business. I shouldn't worry about looking odd or feeling ashamed of my shopping strategy. It has been what has putting food on the table for us the past year.
Today, I took my few specials to the checkout lane and was checked out by one of the middle-aged male managers. I pointed out how grateful I am that the store offers discounts and we got to talking a bit. He told me he was widowed last year and has five children, three of whom are older and out of the house or in college and two younger ones, around eight. He added that he checks out the daily meat specials himself. I felt a kinship and connection with him that never would have been realized if I hadn't made an effort to converse and reach out.
When I walked past the store employee earlier in the week because I felt criticized and embarrassed, the end result wasn't productive or positive. The same thing happened at a football game when I wasn't very responsive to one of the mom's saying hello to me. Later in the game, I realized my unfriendliness was rude and made a point to respond to her, admitting she had caught me with a bad mood. I then did my best to smooth over the situation.
These social interactions have made me cognizant that although I do make a very strong effort to be pleasant and kind when out in public, there are times that I resort to bitterness and I close myself off. In doing so I create disharmony - not good. Compared to the nice, interesting conversation I had with the store manager which definitely showed that lightness, openness and pleasantness are powerful social graces.
I know that none of us can be up and in great moods all the time, least of all me. But it was nice to be reminded this week of the ability I have to control some of my own destiny in a simple interaction that can set the tone for the rest of the day and that of the people I've interacted with. I was also reminded that I can blow it but then apologize and smooth things over. All is not lost if I goof up - there are second chances in which to make amends and heal wrongs.
I think in the past that I've worn my grief and loss as a badge allowing myself to blow people off or interact in public with a stoic distance. But I'm realizing that I can still feel all that I feel and have felt and still be decent to the innocent public who don't know me. It makes the world a nicer place for all.
Today, I took my few specials to the checkout lane and was checked out by one of the middle-aged male managers. I pointed out how grateful I am that the store offers discounts and we got to talking a bit. He told me he was widowed last year and has five children, three of whom are older and out of the house or in college and two younger ones, around eight. He added that he checks out the daily meat specials himself. I felt a kinship and connection with him that never would have been realized if I hadn't made an effort to converse and reach out.
When I walked past the store employee earlier in the week because I felt criticized and embarrassed, the end result wasn't productive or positive. The same thing happened at a football game when I wasn't very responsive to one of the mom's saying hello to me. Later in the game, I realized my unfriendliness was rude and made a point to respond to her, admitting she had caught me with a bad mood. I then did my best to smooth over the situation.
These social interactions have made me cognizant that although I do make a very strong effort to be pleasant and kind when out in public, there are times that I resort to bitterness and I close myself off. In doing so I create disharmony - not good. Compared to the nice, interesting conversation I had with the store manager which definitely showed that lightness, openness and pleasantness are powerful social graces.
I know that none of us can be up and in great moods all the time, least of all me. But it was nice to be reminded this week of the ability I have to control some of my own destiny in a simple interaction that can set the tone for the rest of the day and that of the people I've interacted with. I was also reminded that I can blow it but then apologize and smooth things over. All is not lost if I goof up - there are second chances in which to make amends and heal wrongs.
I think in the past that I've worn my grief and loss as a badge allowing myself to blow people off or interact in public with a stoic distance. But I'm realizing that I can still feel all that I feel and have felt and still be decent to the innocent public who don't know me. It makes the world a nicer place for all.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Same Old, Same Old
I need help. I'm admitting it. There is too much stress in my life that has accumulated and gone on for too long. I can't do this alone anymore. I definitely need medication. My blood pressure is dangerously high. I know it has been high for a number of years now but I've resisted medication thinking I can control it because I eat such a low-fat diet, don't drink, exercise, etc. At this point, the doctor told me it has nothing to do with a healthy weight or exercise. My blood pressure is too high and I need to take action.
I wonder how much of the stress the past years have brought play into this. High blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run on both sides of my family and it is how we end up dead. I still feel like a failure to some extent. That I'm unable to control this aspect of my health since I've tried for so long to keep it together emotionally. But as I started this post, I am finally at a point where I'm waving the white flag and crying out "Help me!" Since I don't have much of a support network in place, that ends up increasing the stress I try and manage on my own. It turns out to be an endless circle of frustration. The past few weeks many times during the day I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. When I have my blood pressure taken, I can feel and hear that racing.
I am going to become one of those people stopping at the blood pressure meter every time I go into the grocery store by the pharmacy counter!
Well, I have to take care of myself physically and if I need blood pressure medication so be it. I hope this is not a permanent thing. But the alternative is having a stroke which isn't an option here. I've helped the men and women stroke victims in the nursing home, some quite young. I can't do that to the boys. Or myself.
I came across another article on managing stress and decided to go through it and highlight the suggestions. They are always the same and we all know them. In fact, I'm sure I've posted about them a time or two previously. But they bear repeating.
1. Acknowledge the pain, stress, grief or loss. Feel the anger and sadness. It is okay to feel some self pity. But you can't let these feelings overpower you.
2. The painful feelings have to eventually give way to those of hope. To manage stress and crisis we need to be centered and calm and that won't be possible when in defeat and despair. So we need to harness abundance, gratitude, positivity and peace of mind as best we can. We can look to the future as holding opportunity, being an adventure and a new beginning instead of being fearful of what lies ahead.
3. We must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Eating well and exercising are essential.
4. Relying and connecting with others is also necessary.
5. Developing a strategy and plan for moving forward can help us focus on the learning opportunities available to us and allow us to grow.
6. It is a perfect time to become distracted with and explore a new project or goal. Sometimes it is far better to focus on an activity or learning something new than dwelling on our troubles.
7. Live one day at a time.
8. Maintaining a sense of order brings us a measure of control. Letting ourselves and our environments fall apart does not result in feeling calm or comfort us - more like tormenting and mocking us.
9. Come up with positives for the situation or in lieu of that, positives that can result in the future that may not have been considered before.
10. Maintaining the daily routine as much as possible is helpful. I know that my husband did this through all the years of his illness and I could not believe how he managed to do it. It was an amazing demonstration of strength and courage.
I look over this list and it is made up of the same old suggestions and ideas I've come across over and over. Does that mean they work or is it because no one else has come up with any better? I also know that this advice is common sense and easier said than done.
Yesterday, after my hopeful and inspiring post on optimism I ran into some snags during the day and felt let down and defeated. Some of that hope I'd harnessed before went by the wayside. I forced myself to take another nature walk and the best I could come up with as a coping mechanism was to keep my thoughts neutral rather than go off the deep end into the gloom and doom.
Sometimes, it seems as if this advice is so simplistic. We tend to look at life's problems as being singular - someone is coping with grief because of the death of a spouse; someone lost their job or home; another person is dealing with divorce or illness. I take a more complicated view of stress because I think where there is one problem, so lies another. And I think in addition to viewing problems singly, which makes them easier to solve, is that we don't put enough attention on the long-term effects of stress. We tend to view solving problems quickly and efficiently (usually within a year time frame). But I think the recession has shown us that problems and life complications can exist greater than a year and be harder to overcome.
So I find that there is a gap in acknowledging, understanding and coping with the long-term effects of stress. And what about set backs? Or having to manage the difficulty of climbing out of a very deep hole? All that one step forward, two step back progression.
Food for thought. In the meantime, we plow on as best we can. I look at the strategies I've set out and try to come up with some project that may help me focus less on all this loss and find more hope in the future. I try to exercise when I feel the walls of despair closing in on me. I do my best to change my mindset when I am aware of my negative thinking. More of the same old, same old with varying degrees of success depending on the day.
I wonder how much of the stress the past years have brought play into this. High blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run on both sides of my family and it is how we end up dead. I still feel like a failure to some extent. That I'm unable to control this aspect of my health since I've tried for so long to keep it together emotionally. But as I started this post, I am finally at a point where I'm waving the white flag and crying out "Help me!" Since I don't have much of a support network in place, that ends up increasing the stress I try and manage on my own. It turns out to be an endless circle of frustration. The past few weeks many times during the day I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. When I have my blood pressure taken, I can feel and hear that racing.
I am going to become one of those people stopping at the blood pressure meter every time I go into the grocery store by the pharmacy counter!
Well, I have to take care of myself physically and if I need blood pressure medication so be it. I hope this is not a permanent thing. But the alternative is having a stroke which isn't an option here. I've helped the men and women stroke victims in the nursing home, some quite young. I can't do that to the boys. Or myself.
I came across another article on managing stress and decided to go through it and highlight the suggestions. They are always the same and we all know them. In fact, I'm sure I've posted about them a time or two previously. But they bear repeating.
1. Acknowledge the pain, stress, grief or loss. Feel the anger and sadness. It is okay to feel some self pity. But you can't let these feelings overpower you.
2. The painful feelings have to eventually give way to those of hope. To manage stress and crisis we need to be centered and calm and that won't be possible when in defeat and despair. So we need to harness abundance, gratitude, positivity and peace of mind as best we can. We can look to the future as holding opportunity, being an adventure and a new beginning instead of being fearful of what lies ahead.
3. We must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Eating well and exercising are essential.
4. Relying and connecting with others is also necessary.
5. Developing a strategy and plan for moving forward can help us focus on the learning opportunities available to us and allow us to grow.
6. It is a perfect time to become distracted with and explore a new project or goal. Sometimes it is far better to focus on an activity or learning something new than dwelling on our troubles.
7. Live one day at a time.
8. Maintaining a sense of order brings us a measure of control. Letting ourselves and our environments fall apart does not result in feeling calm or comfort us - more like tormenting and mocking us.
9. Come up with positives for the situation or in lieu of that, positives that can result in the future that may not have been considered before.
10. Maintaining the daily routine as much as possible is helpful. I know that my husband did this through all the years of his illness and I could not believe how he managed to do it. It was an amazing demonstration of strength and courage.
I look over this list and it is made up of the same old suggestions and ideas I've come across over and over. Does that mean they work or is it because no one else has come up with any better? I also know that this advice is common sense and easier said than done.
Yesterday, after my hopeful and inspiring post on optimism I ran into some snags during the day and felt let down and defeated. Some of that hope I'd harnessed before went by the wayside. I forced myself to take another nature walk and the best I could come up with as a coping mechanism was to keep my thoughts neutral rather than go off the deep end into the gloom and doom.
Sometimes, it seems as if this advice is so simplistic. We tend to look at life's problems as being singular - someone is coping with grief because of the death of a spouse; someone lost their job or home; another person is dealing with divorce or illness. I take a more complicated view of stress because I think where there is one problem, so lies another. And I think in addition to viewing problems singly, which makes them easier to solve, is that we don't put enough attention on the long-term effects of stress. We tend to view solving problems quickly and efficiently (usually within a year time frame). But I think the recession has shown us that problems and life complications can exist greater than a year and be harder to overcome.
So I find that there is a gap in acknowledging, understanding and coping with the long-term effects of stress. And what about set backs? Or having to manage the difficulty of climbing out of a very deep hole? All that one step forward, two step back progression.
Food for thought. In the meantime, we plow on as best we can. I look at the strategies I've set out and try to come up with some project that may help me focus less on all this loss and find more hope in the future. I try to exercise when I feel the walls of despair closing in on me. I do my best to change my mindset when I am aware of my negative thinking. More of the same old, same old with varying degrees of success depending on the day.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A New View
I struggle with optimism. Since childhood, I have viewed life from the perspective of the glass being half full. People have often told me to lighten up and be more positive. But I don't think some of us can just flip a switch on inside ourselves to make this change. It takes recognition of our nature and thinking and then the hard work of trying to overcome it. And I'm not quite sure how to go about making these changes either. To just wake up and resolve to be more positive and hopeful - how do you go about it? There need to be steps or a plan to follow - a way to get started and ways to keep on track and motivated.
The daily message from lifescript.com and personal coach Dr. John H. Sklare is about optimism today. It is so good and inspiring I am repeating it here for my own inspiration and maybe for others in need as well.
"One of the keys to reaching your goals and bettering your life is an intangible human treasure called optimism. It's having 'hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view.' Helen Keller wrote: 'Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.'
Those of us who fall on the pessimistic side of life's fence have a much tougher row to hoe each day. Pessimism will drain your emotional batteries, poison your motivational well and leave you feeling lost, angry and frustrated. Optimism, on the other hand, will lighten your emotional load, bring more joy into your life, lift your spirits and make you a more pleasurable companion. A reader once commented, 'With each sunrise, there is a new opportunity to start over.' The perfect attitude to have if you want to bring a more optimistic view into your life."
Well, I'm going to try and remain focused on this advice because I can sure attest to the fact that thinking the way I do, always expecting the negative and being constantly worried and anxious is a very wearying way to live. It will be extremely difficult for me to try and think even a little bit more optimistically but I want to give it a try because the old way keeps me so down and out. I've got to try something different. Maybe the commitment to a new attitude combined with drug therapy will help.
It is like everything else I am learning. We have to work to make ourselves happy, we cannot expect others to make us so. Likewise, we have the choice to be optimistic rather than seeing the situation or journey pessimistically. It is up to us. But it is work and it is hard. Hard in the face of other struggles. Easier to revert back to old, predictable and comfortable ways of thinking and doing. So hard to make changes when so many other changes are going on and necessary.
I suppose, however, it doesn't take that much effort or commitment to simply try and be more conscious of how I think and to switch how I am thinking to a more positive frame when I am aware of my dark, dooming thoughts. Cut them off at the pass by simply refusing to dwell on the what ifs and forcing myself to hope in a positive outcome vs. one that is negative. Can't hurt to try any of this. It is not costing me a penny. But like all new resolutions and promises to ourselves, we have to practice and not give up.
Found Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's little book of daily inspirational quotes, "Positive thinking Everyday" on my bookshelf. I must not be the only one in need of a motivational fix and daily reminder. Today's quote from that classic book of inspiration is: "Faith power in the mind, like adrenalin in the body, can release amazing powers within you in crisis."
Some readers have been telling me all this for many months now. But looking back, I think when we're in deep mourning or grieving a loss, as I was depressed over moving from our home last fall, that you have to get through that stuff first. When some time has passed, you can move ahead and focus on going beyond the loss. At least that is how it has been with me. In the midst of grief I have not been able to think positively and hopefully. Advice such as be more hopeful and optimistic falls on deaf ears. In fact, it irritates me and I stomp my foot and resist that advice. Maybe we need to recognize this and be less harsh on others who don't seem to be moving along as quickly as we think they should. The element of timing is part of the process of being able to cope and move forward. Maybe I've reached a place where I can put my some of the sadness aside and concentrate less on the losses and more on the present. I sure hope so.
The daily message from lifescript.com and personal coach Dr. John H. Sklare is about optimism today. It is so good and inspiring I am repeating it here for my own inspiration and maybe for others in need as well.
"One of the keys to reaching your goals and bettering your life is an intangible human treasure called optimism. It's having 'hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view.' Helen Keller wrote: 'Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.'
Those of us who fall on the pessimistic side of life's fence have a much tougher row to hoe each day. Pessimism will drain your emotional batteries, poison your motivational well and leave you feeling lost, angry and frustrated. Optimism, on the other hand, will lighten your emotional load, bring more joy into your life, lift your spirits and make you a more pleasurable companion. A reader once commented, 'With each sunrise, there is a new opportunity to start over.' The perfect attitude to have if you want to bring a more optimistic view into your life."
Well, I'm going to try and remain focused on this advice because I can sure attest to the fact that thinking the way I do, always expecting the negative and being constantly worried and anxious is a very wearying way to live. It will be extremely difficult for me to try and think even a little bit more optimistically but I want to give it a try because the old way keeps me so down and out. I've got to try something different. Maybe the commitment to a new attitude combined with drug therapy will help.
It is like everything else I am learning. We have to work to make ourselves happy, we cannot expect others to make us so. Likewise, we have the choice to be optimistic rather than seeing the situation or journey pessimistically. It is up to us. But it is work and it is hard. Hard in the face of other struggles. Easier to revert back to old, predictable and comfortable ways of thinking and doing. So hard to make changes when so many other changes are going on and necessary.
I suppose, however, it doesn't take that much effort or commitment to simply try and be more conscious of how I think and to switch how I am thinking to a more positive frame when I am aware of my dark, dooming thoughts. Cut them off at the pass by simply refusing to dwell on the what ifs and forcing myself to hope in a positive outcome vs. one that is negative. Can't hurt to try any of this. It is not costing me a penny. But like all new resolutions and promises to ourselves, we have to practice and not give up.
Found Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's little book of daily inspirational quotes, "Positive thinking Everyday" on my bookshelf. I must not be the only one in need of a motivational fix and daily reminder. Today's quote from that classic book of inspiration is: "Faith power in the mind, like adrenalin in the body, can release amazing powers within you in crisis."
Some readers have been telling me all this for many months now. But looking back, I think when we're in deep mourning or grieving a loss, as I was depressed over moving from our home last fall, that you have to get through that stuff first. When some time has passed, you can move ahead and focus on going beyond the loss. At least that is how it has been with me. In the midst of grief I have not been able to think positively and hopefully. Advice such as be more hopeful and optimistic falls on deaf ears. In fact, it irritates me and I stomp my foot and resist that advice. Maybe we need to recognize this and be less harsh on others who don't seem to be moving along as quickly as we think they should. The element of timing is part of the process of being able to cope and move forward. Maybe I've reached a place where I can put my some of the sadness aside and concentrate less on the losses and more on the present. I sure hope so.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)