It was the fourth anniversary of my fated remarriage yesterday. Last year with moving and the year before with going through the divorce, I didn't focus or reflect much on the day. But this year there was extra space in my brain and much of the day was spent remembering the actual day, which was so lovely and full of hope. There was the anticipation of happiness which has been so lacking in my life these days.
I won't dwell on the whys or reasons of the marriage's demise. I deeply regret that my ex wasn't able to hang in there a bit longer. I think we had tremendous potential and it saddens me for the wasted and lost opportunities for love.
What I mainly contemplated during the day were all the activities my ex and I used to enjoy and engage in. We had a good time with shared interests and we liked spending time together.
We shared the Sunday paper on mornings spent at the ball field during the boys' baseball games, while sipping Starbucks. My ex introduced me to Starbucks - I'd never been there before meeting him because I am a tea drinker and thought they just served coffee. Boy was I in for a delightful surprise!
We enjoyed going to a Friday night fish fry in my locality - it became a tradition on our weekends. Since our breakup two years ago, I've never been back and the food was so good! I miss it.
I used to knit while my ex read the paper (he was a paper reading fanatic) and I found a vintage cross stitch sampler of a couple with the woman knitting while the husband read the paper. It was so cute and symbolized us as a couple.
We collected American antique art glass at my suggestion because I wanted us to have a new hobby we started together. We both got very into it and amassed a lovely collection by the time we divorced. He ended up with the entire collection and I wish he had been gracious enough to at least offer me one of the pieces as a memory. Since the divorce, Sam and I started our own little collection and I've gotten some of the smaller, less expensive pieces on my own. But it doesn't compare with the hours that my ex and I spent talking about our collection, sorting, organizing and cataloging it. It brought us a great deal of joy - just looking at it and remembering where and when we found certain pieces.
My ex and I shared the interest of rock collecting and had plans to hunt for fossils, diamonds and gem stones across the country. I had visions of displaying our finds in cases. We also loved to travel and had hoped to take short and long trips around and about.
And gardening! He was into vegetables and I was into flowers. I had ideas of revamping the back yard and turning the patio into a relaxing retreat.
We did some cooking together too. And both of us liked to get dressed up once in awhile for a fancy night on the town. I had hoped to entertain for his co-workers and have family over for big holiday celebrations.
When we read, he shared his news stories and he liked me telling him about the novels I was reading.
All such wonderful and fun shared interests and activities. Thinking of them throughout the other day I felt mostly happy because these are things that charge and excite me. I miss having them in my life. Basically my life is pretty much drudgery with not much enjoyment. When you have all that inspiration and creativity in your life shared with someone and then it just disappears it is hard to cope with that loss.
I want this stuff back in my life but lack the funds, time or partner to share them all with. I want to be a rock hound. I want to find a fellow rock hound to go rock hounding with me. Anyone out there? Chili chef and gardening fanatic are optional but would be nice too!
What I noticed most about my day of reminiscing was how little I write or even reflect of things that bring me happiness. Thinking of these activities brought me quite a bit of joy even thought I wasn't actually doing any of them. I sure need some more joy in my life.
Well, you can definitely still be a rock hound. Very cheap and wonderful entertainment. My husband and I were rock hounds, and I've still got the rocks to prove it - brought all the way from our home in Ontario to this old place in Nova Scotia. I'm sure that the guy who moved my stuff here thought I had rocks in my head. (-:
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, and however you might feel, it's still important and worthwhile to do things that interest you, even if they don't seem as much fun as they would be with the ideal partner. If you don't feel like going out alone, join the local rock hound group in your area - most places have them. I was actually thinking of tagging along on a field trip or two with the local club near the town where I spend winter. Could be interesting and fun.
I did a quick google search and found a rock/fossil club meeting monthly at a local community college. I'll check it out further. For fun, I saw in our local park district brochure a club for seniors over 50. They go on trips, play cards, etc. But from the pictures in the catalog they're all about age 75 - I already look way younger than 50 so I don't think this is a viable option but I laugh every time I think about showing up for one of the events and wonder what would happen!
ReplyDeleteI smiled as I read your snapshots of pleasure with your ex. I haven't wanted to look back at life with my late husband, assuming that since I can't retrieve these moments, I can't retrieve their pleasure. I've also been afraid that if I hold this former life too closely and dearly, I'm not letting new life in. We used to make smoothies every day, and I haven't used the blender in 5 years, though it still sits on my counter. How stupid is this?
ReplyDeleteFlo - I read somewhere that we need to put ourselves in a "happy" state to attract more happiness into our life. When I got to thinking about things, I realized that what made me really happy were all the activities I shared with my ex so I figured, what the heck, why not think about them. The key now, is to find a new, nice guy to engage in those activities with here in the present!
ReplyDelete