Reality and Fantasy

Here is my giant knitted door carrot. A perfect image for this post which is about reality and fantasy, as a carrot is real but my giant carrot created from fantasy.

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with my reality. I just don't want my life as it is. Of course I know I can't get my old life back. So then I concentrate on a new and better life. I'm doing everything I can to not accept my life as it currently is. I'm going to need some help and direction in getting through this mind set. I'm hoping the audio by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope - How to Turn Life's Challenges into a Journey of Transformation" will help me.

This afternoon before heading out to see my son's volleyball game, for the heck of it, I goggled inexpensive real estate in the college town my son will be moving to in August. I saw the most adorable charming and cozy cottage for under $45,000! I immediately pictured myself gardening outside and filling the inside rooms with my antiques, books and knitting. My mind continued to race ahead. I could probably find work as a library technician in a college town - heck I could even go back to school for my PhD. I enjoyed this little flight into fancy. It was actually giving me a lift!

As I drove to one of the wealthy suburban communities next to mine, I thought about how I am so ready to move from here. It is costly for one thing, and after my youngest finishes high school there is no reason to really stay. In fact, staying is painful in many ways. I arrived at the high school, which is actually so big it resembles a community college campus. I missed a few minutes of the game because I had to park so far away after figuring out which building housed the gym - as there were a number of athletic buildings, I finally tracked down the school bus that drove our team and asked the bus driver for directions.

Just more fuel to leave this area. It is congested and everything is so massive and pretentious. It would be relaxing and like a vacation to live in a smaller community and college town.

But as much as I enjoyed dreaming about the little 1940s small town cottage, I'm not sure that is the answer either in terms of my trying to accept the here and now. To find contentment and happiness in the present and not look forward to attaining it in the future. Still, I think about my door carrot and don't think there is anything wrong with flights of whimsy that make you smile at times. Such a hard concept to balance, our reality vs. our dreams.

Purguing Out the Old

This afternoon I got rid of some heavy pieces of furniture in one of two of the storage sheds. Tomorrow the smaller shed will be cleared out and I'll be saving almost $200.00 monthly that can go toward clothing and items for the boys.

I'm feeling bittersweet about the clean-out. I called a local resale shop to inquire if they'd come to the shed to pick up the items and they did. I am grateful because without a strong guy/husband around it is hard for me to lift and move big, bulky objects. And there is just no room in the apartment for all the furniture I used to have in my home.

They took the large pine chest of drawers with mirror that used to be in my master bedroom. Then the headboard for the bed I spent months choosing when I first got married. It was between an all-white cottage bedroom or a more rustic, cabin-lodge feel room. I ended up choosing the later and the headboard was made out of actual logs. The woman from the resale shop really liked it. But it pulled at my heartstrings a little to let it go. A memory of the life I once shared with my husband when my family and I were intact in our nice, spacious, five-bedroom cabin-like home. When I got remarried I purchased a new bed, in fact, an inexpensive bedroom set to celebrate my new life and new beginnings. I'd hoped to use the log headboard at a second home if we got a little cabin on a lake in our retirement...

Also going - the boys' youth firetruck beds. Adorable beds in the shape of firetrucks and actually pretty realistic. I asked the boys if they wanted to keep them for the future but they weren't interested. They're awfully cute and I hope some lucky little boys will enjoy them in the future.

The nice lady from the resale shop walked around my shed and picked at the remaining items. She said she'd take anything there and got some birdhouses and seasonal wreaths. I told her I'd bring over my old Halloween and Christmas outdoor decorations over the summer. It was good to know that I did have some nice furniture and decorations. I'm trying to psyche myself up that it is better to pass these things on where they'll be put to use now and enjoyed vs. being hidden away in a mice-infested storage shed.

I regret giving away my nice green glass-fronted kitchen cabinet - it was so cute. But again, there is no room for it in the apartment and I can't just keep storing everything away for the future, whenever and wherever that may be.

I'm telling myself that releasing these items allows new items (maybe even better) to enter my life. It will be best to purchase a new bed when I start living at a new place and hopefully when I start sleeping on a regular basis with a partner again! I can always get a new curio cabinet to display my pretties and it will be fun to search for a different style that may fit better in a new home. As for the firetruck beds, maybe my sons will end up only having daughters who'll only want princess theme bedrooms!

Part of what I reflected on this afternoon was how hard it has been to lose my home (and possessions) after the death of my husband. His death involved the huge loss of my emotional and financial stability. The home then represented the very foundation of my life - all the safety and security from the ground up. Losing both has rocked my world literally from top to bottom, inside and out.

Spring Overnight!

Over the past two weeks we have gone from winter to spring. In fact, this really happened in one day on April 1st. Although I love the flowers, new light green leaves and fragrant breezes, having to figure out what to wear has been a challenge. I am never prepared for the changes in seasons. My life these past few years has been so chaotic and disorganized, I limp through the seasons doing my best to throw together suitable outfits. There have been summers where I never got my clothes unpacked out of the storage bags. And so it goes, another new season where I feel unprepared and flying by the seat of my pants.

With moving in fall, I've apparently "lost" some of my warmer weather clothing. I suppose they're buried in one of the storage sheds. By the time I locate them it will be fall again so I'm not even going to make much of a search effort. I could also use some new items but that is another story since I won't be buying any again this summer. I continue to make do with whatever I have and while it does make me feel thrifty, it would be nice to have something new.

I see women in my community out and about in their shorts, sandals and tank tops and wonder how on earth they have it together to be wearing these things so early in the season! I still have sweaters with snowflakes hanging in my closet now. I would so much like and I long for a more organized life where I can go straight to whatever location houses my seasonal clothes to pull out when needed. This all started when my husband became ill and three years of chaos resulted with his hospitalizations, chemo and home care. Then his death and widowhood prompted more chaos, then getting remarried/divorced and having to move resulted in still more!

Part of the shift in seasons upsets me because I now have a hard time adjusting to change. I do better when I can ease into changes. When we go from winter to spring/summer in just a day I kind of freak out. I wonder if it has to do with how I have felt since widowhood. One day I'm married with a husband and the next I am a widow. That kind of abruptness brings on a great deal of personal upset to me. I'm just not quick on the draw anymore where I am able to deal with such opposites gracefully. There is a part of me that tries to hold on to what I know and am comfortable with even if it is colder weather.

Come fall, I'll be hanging on to summer by wearing my flip flops and shorts until Thanksgiving!

Make Difficult Times Loving

I read this short interview from "O" Magazine with actress Julianna Margulies (from 11/09). This is what she said and her words are speaking to me very strongly. So I am passing them along here.

"...I say to myself at least once a day: This is just a moment; it's not the rest of your life. I say it to my niece, who's 19 and isn't sure that she wants to do with her life; when she's 30, she'll wish she had just enjoyed being 19. I tell it to my friends who are having babies. I say, "Enjoy all of it, even the stressful things, because you'll never have that time with them again." What people say is true: You SHOULD live in the present. Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving. Knowing that this is just one moment, whatever kind of moment it is, is a more peaceful way to live."

The words that really got to me were: "Instead of making difficult times hard, make them loving." Maybe I would revise hard to harder.

My new mantra: I will try to be loving and focus on love, even through these difficult times because they are just a moment, not the rest of my life. And I so want to feel peace.

These next words appear in a little box within the text of the interview. They also speak to me.

"All moments pass quickly - the good ones as well as the bad. So enjoy all of it."

Food for thought for us all as we end a year that I know brought challenges to many and on the eve of 2010.

Running In Place

This morning I went to my dermatologist to have him check out some growths on my thigh I became concerned about. Skin cancer runs in my family and I had a mole removed a couple years ago, also on my leg. I figured I needed to know whether I needed to be worried before canceling my health insurance. My doctor has been out of the country for the last month and a half so worrying about this has been in the back of my mind. It turns out the growths aren't even moles but are caused by insect bites. And that my doctor does not take my insurance anyway. He accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield but I have BCBS - Select and he doesn't take that one. So much for the $350.00 a month I am paying for health insurance. I can't afford it but am so fearful of not having it, especially because of my husband's long illness and then when my youngest got diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome.

While on the road, my bankruptcy atty. called me and we talked about my not being able to afford the filing right now. I have received two checks totaling almost $1,000.00 from the mortgage lender from when I sold the house. But I am unable to cash them because they are made out to the estate of my deceased husband (and with no will or estate set up my bank won't cash them). My attorney said he would prepare and file a small estate affidavit for me free of charge if necessary.

Then I went to State Farm to discuss options for car and health insurance. I want to suspend the ins. on my beater car and just start using the van. I also requested that my oldest be taken off the policy just for now, until I get a job. But apparently there were problems doing that. I still have to figure that out. My agent warned me to not cancel my health ins. before being accepted for another plan so I've kept the Blue Cross for now although I am starting to have panic attacks about not being able to afford it, having the payment bounce and then getting prosecuted for writing bad checks and then not being able to find work because I'll have a criminal record... Oh lord, the worry just doesn't cease.

I stopped by a local resource center to check into benefits. The food pantry had just closed but is open every Mon. and Wed. I am no longer ashamed to apply for any type of assistance.

I called up my old mortgage lender to see if they would reissue the checks but they will not because my husband was the only name on the mortgage. They suggested I stop by one of their facilities that operates as a bank. I did so but it turns out the place is not affiliated with the mortgage branch so they could not help me.

Then I seemed to remember having filled out a small estate affidavit at some time, so went to the storage shed and took stuff out and found a box of old records but no such affidavit. It was snowy and cold and I could not get all the stuff I took out back in so I ended up with storage boxes in the van and will have to figure out where to store them now because I am not going back to the shed any time soon. That was pretty depressing!

Sam called to tell me he was thinking of me and understands my low mood and feelings. He wants me to come over tomorrow and stay through Wed. as his son will be with him and he has to work Wed. The boys have found friends to stay with so I will go tomorrow. I told him we have to sit down and really discuss this move and whether or not it is going to happen. We also need to discuss finances and the whole nine yards. He agrees. I know he believes it best that I bite the bullet and move but he also gets my hesitation because of the boys.

During the afternoon I stopped by a large nursing facility to see what positions they have open for Nursing Assistants. There are some during the day shift, part-time only. When I got home, I spent a larger part of the afternoon than was fun tearing through my paperwork to try and find some old check stubs from the big box store that I need for the bankruptcy filing. With the move and all the crap in the storage sheds, it appears next to impossible to locate anything that I need. So I will have to call corporate for copies as I am not opening that storage shed until spring!

My oldest is sleeping over at a friend's. My youngest and I heated up the turkey and trimmings leftovers my friend gave us for the second time.

In the old days, just a few short years ago, a day like today would have been spent browsing at Barnes and Noble, eating lunch out and then seeing what was on sale at Talbot's. I would have struggled with the decision of whether or not to buy one or two sweaters, or maybe even three. Ah, the good old days.

I Don't Want to Hurt Anymore

All through this holiday season I have been not sleeping well and waking up with a migraine. The first thing I do upon arising, is pop some Xanax and migraine medicine. Obviously, this cannot go on. (And I only have four Xanax left anyway). I took a few days off forcing myself to not think about moving but have to now face reality. Hopefully, blogging my thoughts and emotions about this issue will bring some perspective and clarity.

The winter weather has also been throwing me for a loop. I hate it with such an intensity it almost scares me! I so wish I could look at the big fluffy flakes coming down even now with some sort of wonder. But all I see is treachery and danger. If the van skids and we even have a minor fender-bender I do not have the funds for repairs. I drive so cautiously - there is a pit in my stomach constantly because sometimes there is nothing you can do and an accident is caused by another driver. The cold and unsunny days do not help. I feel down and gloomy because I need sun and the brightness and hope it brings.

My girlfriend got another vehicle from her dad. He got her their van some years back. Now he gave them an older model car for the kids to use. My other girlfriend also got a vehicle from her father. Both of my friends are divorced and hold decent paying jobs. I struggle with jealousy and resentment that I ended up with a family unable and unwilling to provide even a smidgen of emotional support. My second husband also gave generously to his older divorced sister making $60,000 a year and receiving child support from her attorney ex-husband besides. I remember being amazed at this! And here I am a widowed Mom truly believing that if we wind up on the street, no one out there will give a damn!

I am angry and bitter that we've had to bear more than our share of hardship and grief. Becoming a widow at age 44 and being left on one's own to raise two boys is and should have been enough. But to have had to face family of origin issues, a child diagnosed with a serious heart condition, a divorce. loss of home and extreme financial issues besides has made it more than I can bear.

That is part of the reason I do not want to move. It would help enormously from a financial standpoint but part of my resistance comes from the fact that this would end up being yet another loss and at this point I am being stubborn and saying to the world, "No, I can't take anymore!"

Part of my attitude is crazy and immature. I am involved with a good, kind, caring, patient, decent guy whom I am strongly certain would make a suitable life partner. When we became involved I was adamant that I only see or date men from the area. I did not want to relocate. So what kind of cruel twist of fate is it that Sam lost his job related to the Recession and ends up taking the first and only position offered to him out of state?

Part of me is upset that he was thinking of saving himself financially and being closer to his son, who also moved out of state with the ex-wife over the summer. Sam insists there were no other options in regard to his taking this job and moving. He claims he was on the verge of being unable to pay his mortgage so he could not move in with me and keep looking for work here in Illinois. But despite these realities, I don't feel there was much consideration made for the ramifications of a move out of state for my sons, currently in their second and third years of high school here and very much entrenched and comfortable in their lives. That is about all we have had to rely on and count on these past years - a strong connection within our community and school. And now if we move, it will be losing a part of us that has been what has sustained us the most over the last few difficult years.

I am going to be honest and get out my next thoughts openly and honestly but they are whiny and petty. I don't like the town Sam has moved to. It is ugly and industrial and working-class. Now I know deep down this doesn't really matter. The people who live inside the houses are what count and so far everyone we've met in the town is extremely down to earth and nice. But I am mad at the world for the curve balls it keeps sending me. If you want us to move, fine but could it at least be a cute little town? And why of all possible situations could this move involve the boys having to go from a semester format to a trimester one in the school district? Talk about complications and difficulties.

The boys are not matched up academically to their courses and will lose credits and possibly fail some of their classes. That means they will not be able to play any sports the last years of high school and sports is what has sustained them since their Dad's death.

I am furious that life continues to throw us challenges. Why couldn't I have met a nice and decent guy who still lives here? Why does the right one have to move away? Does that mean he is no longer the right one? Will I ever find another man that can even come close to Sam if I let him go because I don't/can't move right now?

What do I want? I want to be remarried here. I want to get my sons through high school and started in college. I know the system here and the local colleges. In the other state I am clueless and not sure how to navigate the system. I should be grateful and relieved that I have luckily met someone I am compatible with. I have read many blogs where the writers bemoan that they're aren't any decent guys out there. And here I am almost on the verge of throwing one away because of my fears and inability to face more loss and challenges.

Yet if I stay the challenges remain and may even intensify. I worry on a daily basis about not being able to properly provide for my sons (basic necessities much less college). I need to find a job but am afraid that it might take longer than anticipated. I sit for the state CNA certification exam on 1/16. What if I don't pass it? We will face homelessness if I don't find a job soon. Even this month I will be forced to go to a food pantry because there is not enough money for food.

I don't want to end up alone and bitter and resentful because I am on my own. But I don't even have the energy to date or go out. I've been in a long-term serious relationship for almost two years now and it has provided me with support and consistency. Just not marriage. I don't want this relationship with Sam to end but I know he doesn't want to sustain a long-distance one.

What happens when both options are not what you really want? None is the perfect fit or truly right? I suppose the next step is to list the pros and cons of each. Both have their drawbacks. Both have some positives. But the main thing is that they both involve major losses and that is what I am trying to avoid at all cost. I can't go anywhere near more grief and pain. That is what is mainly causing me this distress and agony. More later. For now I have gotten some of it out and I'll take it from there.

More Living, Less Grieving

I started blogging as a way to process my grief and to comment on my life as a middle-aged widow who'd gotten remarried but was getting divorced and as such was going back to her widowed status. Because of a number of difficult and tragic circumstances after my first husband's death, I did not have much of an opportunity to mourn his passing when I should have, five-six years ago. This blog let me accomplish some of that delayed grieving and has also let me spout on issues I think the general public needs to be aware of (such as the fact that you don't get over grief; how tough it is to be an "only" parent; the loneliness and isolation of widowhood, etc.).

When I started blogging on Jan. 1, I hoped to connect with other widows and I figured if my efforts ended up helping even one other widow or widower in some small way, it would be worth it. I think that some people out there have gained from my words and I know that I have found much comfort in the comments, wisdom, support and advice of others. Today I read a post from a widow still new in her grief at just the year anniversary mark. But what she wrote and reflected upon had an immense impact on me. That is the beauty of this community. To be supported and gain new perspective.

What she wrote about was finding some peace in her progress at this point to not dwell so much on the pain of her loss but to focus more on the living from this point forward. She so eloquently said that she can now focus more on her husband being a part of her life and an ongoing presence rather than not being present. I was so touched and blown away by this fresh insight. I mulled it over and began to see the connections to my own life. I am still so grieving the end of my marriage to my second husband. But like death, he isn't part of my life anymore. He is gone. My continual focus and grief over this loss prevents me from focusing on the people here in my life right now - those who have not abandoned me and are interactive with me in my day-to-day affairs. That would include my boys and the small circle of friends I have cultivated.

Reading this lovely and perceptive post today gave me much to reflect on. I need to start transferring some of my grief into the present and I can do that by concentrating my thoughts and actions toward the people in my life now. It is probably time to do this. A year has passed since that fateful day last July 7 when my husband told me he had refiled the divorce and then hung up on me, not to talk with me until I next saw him in court on Oct. 30.

The other direction this took me to was that I need to concentrate more on what I have in my life and not what is lacking in it. So that will become a new focus of mine starting today.

When we compose and send a post we have no idea of the impact it may have on those it reaches.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of those who have read and responded to my blog.
2. For the wisdom I have gained from the posts of others.
3. For sticking with this blog because it has served me in ways I never could have first believed.
4. For the widow/widower blogging community which has made me feel less isolated and crazy.
5. For the continued beautiful summer weather.

Today I Have:

1. Two wonderful, beautiful young men as my children.
2. A roof over our heads.
3. Enough food and clothing (not to mention makeup, purses, trinkets and other frivolities).
4. A computer.
5. Supportive friends either a phone call away or down the street from me.

Clean Sweep

A few years ago, I watched a British television series called "Clean Sweep" about organizing your home and de-cluttering. A team went into people's homes and pretty much cleared out the excess which was put into this machine called "the Crusher!" There was always a garage sale (in Britain they call them car boot sales) too. I really didn't like the show for a couple of reasons. I remember one episode where the team made a poor guy clear out his beloved childhood collection of Beatrix Potter figures. The guy was allowed to keep a few of his figures and was just crying. For Pete's sake, I thought, let him have his collection which was nicely displayed in a cabinet!

Then I remember an episode where an older middle-aged woman had lost her husband five years before. She had a boyfriend and they were living together or moving in together or something like that. The team just blasted this poor woman for not having cleaned up the clutter in her life (including all that remained from her deceased husband). I remember the woman gave the explanation that life had just moved on too quickly after her husband died and she hadn't been able to keep up. I think my husband had been dead a few years and I totally understood this woman's predicament. Too bad the Clean Sweep crew wasn't more sympathetic or understanding.

I feel very much this woman now as I go through the house and try to move on. It is going on six years since the death of my husband and so much happened that got in the way after his death as fate would have it (aging parents, a sick child, work, remarriage, divorce, my Mom dying, solo parenting...). Just as this woman in the Clean Sweep series, life kind of overtook me. For the longest while, one of the spare bedrooms downstairs couldn't be used because during my husband's three-year illness, whenever I didn't have a place for something I just threw it in there. That continued after his death too. I would stand at the door and throw whatever I didn't want to deal with in the room! I am totally serious about this, although I am laughing as I now write. Looking back it is so sad and funny - I am sure the Clean Sweep crew would have had a hey day about that one.

It is very hot and humid today and I've concentrated on getting rid of clothes in the spare closet so I can work upstairs in the air conditioning. It is hard for me to get rid of stuff in the first place and I struggle weeding out things now, especially anything that brings back a memory of my deceased husband. Today though I have the rule going on that I have to get rid of ANY clothing item with a drawstring waist. Why I even have a fair number of clothes with drawstring waist bands is troubling to me because they are not too flattering. But I guess they date back to the days of my husband's illness when I was so busy caring for him and the kids that I didn't have time to shop for myself and would just grab stuff off the racks without even trying them on. It strikes me as very appropriate and timely to pass those items on to the Goodwill donation center - they're from a painful part of my life and should be swept out!

Today I am grateful:

1. That hot weather naturally induces my desire to eat better and less, so I'm thinner in summer.
2. That the spare bedroom I talked about has been long cleared out and my oldest uses it as a music room for his drum set.
3. That even though it is hot and sticky at least it is not cold and snowing.
4. That I have a job and it has helped me get acclimated to the work force after time off.
5. For light body spray fragrances you can spritz on all day to cool off and freshen up.