V-Day Joke On Me!

In part, this was a better Valentine's Day because with working now, there was a little money for some V-Day treats, purchased the day after for half-price of course, but none-the-less treats for the boys. And it is nice to have a bit of spending money to afford seasonal luxuries once in a while.

At the grocery store sifting through the bags of left over candy, I came across this amazing card by the Palmer candy company and immediately got it for me. Because I thought I had found an actual card made for a person to give to themselves! After all, the front of the card had the words, "To Me..." on it. I liked that the card had a cat on it and then inside there was a ball of yarn. I will admit I was a little confused because there was a "To/From" inside. But I didn't let that deter me from buying myself the card.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. Perfect for people like me - a middle-aged widow not receiving many gifts throughout the year. I have posted about this topic a number of times. How widowhood finds you lacking in the gift department. So why not have a line of cards and gifts we single people can give to ourselves on special days? I remained excited that an actual big company out there had figured all this out and would lead/pave the way for other companies like Hallmark to follow.

I was so happy about this card I brought it with me to a concert my son performed at this week to show my girlfriend during intermission. She is a teacher and just laughed when she saw my card. She reminisced that one of her young students gave her this same card many years ago! She had to kindly explain to me that I had misread the card wording so to speak. I had put the emphasis on the word "To." But if you put the emphasis on the word "Me," there is a whole different meaning! So the card ended up not being one for someone to give to themselves after all.

Well, this is all pretty funny to me in retrospect now. I am still glad I got myself the card because I think this is a darn good idea that someone out there should latch onto - gifts and cards that can be purchased for individuals to give to themselves. Who else is going to tell us we're great, fabulous or fantastic unless it is us when we're experiencing the single life. It felt so empowering for me to get myself an actual Valentine for myself (even the day after) with a positive sentiment on it.

I know that in actuality, there are more people together than there are singles so this isn't probably a profitable idea. And that some would say, just go buy yourself a gift, that it doesn't need to say specific words for it to be meaningful. But there was something special about finding (or thinking I'd found) an actual Valentine to give to myself from myself that was fun while it lasted!

Not Missing Anything

Heard today that holiday shopping sales were up 5.5%, the best sales figures since 2007, the year we started experiencing hardship and I stopped shopping. I have to say that since that time, I have missed buying Christmas gifts, decorations, household items and clothing. We've pretty much used what we have already owned and haven't replaced items unless absolutely necessary.

I've just stayed out of the malls and stores as much as possible with the exception of the used book store and going to the craft store every once in awhile. There are times that I have to go to the mall or a major department store for one of the boys, but not very often. I guess over the past years I have felt deprived and as though I have been missing out on things. It has been hard. There is a sense of pride that I've made it three years without buying myself any clothing (except one top on sale for $11.00). I find when I go to the stores and see items that I start to want them. If I don't see things, I don't miss them or care.

I'm not sure why holiday sales were up this year because I think we are still a nation suffering economically. This year was better for us not so much that I had more money, but that I was able to be better able to navigate the "system" (finding out about the Christmas Store in our community that allowed me to buy new gifts for my sons at greatly reduced cost) and getting the online gift card and gifts from the kind woman at the food pantry. My sons also received gifts from a friend of their late father so actually had a total of $70.00 cash!

My youngest wanted to get his girlfriend another small gift to go with the key necklace he had already purchased. We had discussed the idea of a perfume set. So on Sunday he asked me to take him out to some stores and we hit Walgreen's first where the perfume aisle was stripped bare. The Christmas aisle was also getting empty and was full of people tossing through items - the whole scene reminded me of a mob mentality - not that bad but still crazy and chaotic. We went to WalMart next with again entire shelves lying empty. Onward to Bath and Body Works which was insanely crowded. My son and I were getting claustrophobic from the pushing and brushing up against us as others passed by. My poor son asked me to choose the fragrance and dutifully smelled the sample cards in front of his nose. But after about 15 minutes he said they all had started to smell the same and he didn't care what we got as long as we chose something and got the heck out of there!

We ended up with a cute pair of fuzzy and soft socks on sale for $3.00 and then got three fragrances for $10.00 in the Cherry Blossom scent, Midnight Pomegranate and Vanilla Berry - total amount, $13.00. Then we stood 29th in line to pay for this small purchase. Yes, we were the 29th customers in line. How nutty is that?

I haven't witnessed this kind of shopping in a number of years and it made me feel sad. Go home and spend time with your families I wanted to say to some of the people. At the same time, being in the store for an hour or so resulted in me starting to want some of the things I saw - in particular, a nutmeg scented candle even though I still have a pretty ample supply of candles left to burn.

My oldest son went to the mall to buy a set of sheets for one of his girlfriend's gifts a few days before Christmas; (I like his practicality, she needed them and had requested a sheet set) and told me he would never go to a mall again so close to Christmas - it was crowded and he did not enjoy the experience although he got a good parking spot.

My youngest son and I were relieved to leave the fragrance store and head on home. The only thing I think I enjoyed out of the experience was looking at the cute snowflake garland hung from the ceiling in pinks and reds.

All these years I've thought I've been missing out on the shopping experience and the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Now I realize that I haven't really missed out on anything at all. It meant a great deal for me to be able to have gifts for the boys this year but I realize that the past years without gifts weren't the end of the world. Gifts are nice in moderation but not worth fighting over in a Walgreen's aisle or spending the better part of an afternoon getting. Going without has made us far more grateful for what we did receive and what we have. I think all of us realize as well that things don't make us happy and that we can learn to live without when need be.

We've all become far more thoughtful and deliberate in our actions, thinking, speaking and spending. In the end, maybe the biggest surprise is that looking back, not having gifts has ended up becoming a gift. Go figure. Never would I have thought that or even considered that in 2007!

Giving and Receiving

It has been difficult for me to accept assistance and charity the past few years. I know despite that adage that we all heard as youngsters, "It is better to give than to receive," there is still a stigma attached to seeking help when you are down and out. The pain of having to go to a food pantry and then witness the masked disapproval is something I wasn't prepared for. We are a society of contradictions. On one hand, we gloat that we are willing to help the less fortunate but then we quickly lash out in criticism that those who are needy aren't trying or working hard enough. I think that along with the message that we're such a giving and generous nation, there is also the belief that all of us should be able to make it, and if we can't or haven't, then something is wrong with us and we're not good, decent, honorable people. Maybe that view is changing as the financial struggle becomes more wide spread.

Another problem is that some of us have never been in this position and don't know how to accept help, much less find it. For me, having been the oldest child of four, I was always the one who helped and was relied upon to hold up the fort. There is a huge sense of damaged pride to not be able to do what I've always done, and been good at doing.

Maybe it is easier to give than it is to receive sometimes. I know that it has been an almost automatic response for me to refuse gifts. There is just so much emotional conflict surrounding the issue.

But this year, I was gifted with an online gift card before I could refuse it. When it arrived, in early December, I contemplated not using it or sending it back (however that is done). But my sons both BEGGED me to keep it. And it was hard for me to do so. But I did. Then I had the pleasure of imagining spending it entirely on myself (for about two minutes). Then for another two minutes I had the pleasure of imagining spending it all on the boys. In the end, it was split the way I suppose it gets split up with families - 90% of it going to the boys, and the remaining 10% to mom.

My sons spent a few days looking up and deciding on the gifts they wanted. Considering that I haven't given them birthday gifts in a number of years (we only celebrate with a cake and choice of dinner) and that there haven't been Christmas gifts either, this was a BIG DEAL - and a lot of fun. My oldest son handled all the ordering because after being a victim of credit card fraud three weeks before my husband died (another story for another time), I refuse to buy anything online and have never done it. The boys were wonderful figuring out the exact postage amounts and keeping track of the running total.

I had been encouraged by my benefactor to not get a book but to chose something nice and pretty. And I did try looking for a piece of the vintage glassware I collect and browsing the selection of craft items. But in the end, what I really coveted was a copy of the audio book by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope." Considering I get all my books for usually 25 cents at the second hand shop this was a big splurge because at the used book shop there aren't audio books.

The boys were thrilled as their gifts started arriving. One came on my oldest son's 18th birthday and I let him have it as a gift. My oldest ended up with a long sleeve t-shirt and socks from the college he wants to attend, my youngest got a Wisconsin hoodie and looks very handsome wearing it - that dark red Wisconsin red just highlights his dark hair and dark eyes. Both boys got wrist bands with the imprint of "France" since they are so proud of their French heritage and together they got some kind of memory disc for their X-Box.

I was able to get the boys a few inexpensive items and stocking stuffers. And they received some practical items like socks, boxers, and p.j.s from the nice woman at the food pantry who "adopted" me. I struggled with accepting her gifts as well and initially told her no. But she went on to share some of her story, telling me that the reason she had connected so strongly with me is that she was raised by a single mother from the age of 13 when her father walked out on them. For whatever reason, I reminded her of her childhood situation and she wanted to get some gifts for us. Along with the clothing there were also wallets for the boys with a $20.00 inside.

My oldest son remarked how different this Christmas was from past years. Having gifts did help. And it doesn't have to be extravagant. We had a modest Christmas and the majority of gifts were practical and useful. But it was so nice that the boys had an opportunity to get some items they really wanted and to choose them. And they received some electronic gifts from Sam that he was able to get as samples from the store he works at. I will talk about the gift he gave me in a separate post as it relates to widowhood in a strange way! Plus my girlfriend gave us a $25.00 Subway gift card along with a bag of chips, box of cookies and bottle of coke - I'm planning on that being our dinner later in the week and it will be a huge takeout treat for us!

I am grateful for the kindness and generosity of those who thought of me and offered gifts. I hope this post helps convey how hard it is for me to accept such offers. We were greatly blessed with the online gift card and for the gifts from the nice food pantry lady. In the end, I told her I would accept her gift only under the promise that we would go out together for coffee/tea so we could meet under "normal" circumstances and not as a food pantry volunteer/pantry recipient.

To the lovely person who sent us the surprise online gift card: You started out our holiday season on a positive and hopeful note setting the tone for the entire season. Your gifts are useful, wanted and very much appreciated. And you taught me a number of things too. For one, I need to get over my belief that I can't or shouldn't take gifts offered in the spirit of loving kindness. I don't always have to be the one giving, I can take a little too. I also need to learn to be more gracious in accepting gifts that are offered. And I can strive to keep giving in whatever ways I can despite my limited circumstances now. There are many ways to be of service and to give - not all involve having money.

Throughout my life I have been a giver. Now I hope that it might be easier for me to be both one who freely gives and one who freely receives. And enjoys both!

Christmas Shopping

Yesterday my youngest asked to be taken out to purchase a gift for his girlfriend (they've been friends awhile but going out for just about a month). He wanted to get her some kind of jewelry with the $11.00 he had as well as a fleece scarf from Old Navy. The scarves were advertised for only a dollar and we got to the store about three hours after they sold out. It was my fault we got there too late - when you have teen boys sometimes everything that goes wrong becomes mom's fault. So then we hit Walmart. They had some earring and necklace sets for $5.00 but my son preferred the ones a little higher in quality. Those were necklaces ranging from $9.00 - $12.00. He wasn't keen on a heart but eventually was convinced by my assurances that keys were big this year, judging from the ones I've seen in catalogs. So he went with the necklace in the middle of the photo because it was sterling vs. stainless steel and I had to kick in an extra two dollars.

I've been pretty good thus far this year not getting envious or upset when I see the jewelry commercials on t.v., particularly the ones with husbands buying their wives Christmas gifts. I will say though that I started to covet a Pandora charm bracelet after seeing the commercial with the three daughters saying over and over, "Did Dad go to Jared? Oh yeah, he went to Jared," they affirm as the mom oozes over her Pandora bracelet.

Some days I feel so naked. I don't wear any jewelry anymore, having sold it all or pawned it for pawn shop loans. I have a few pieces on loan that I pay a small amount for every month until I can afford to pick them up. These include one of my wedding/engagement rings sets from my first marriage and the wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond from my second marriage. It was custom designed by me and I figure one day I can replace the diamond with perhaps a less expensive gem stone. I have a couple other nice diamond and gold rings I'd wear on my right hand. Nothing extravagant. Just nicer than costume jewelry and pretty.

I miss having jewelry to wear. I enjoyed it and it was fun to express myself that way. I preferred rings most of all. I think that when life improves, I'm going to celebrate and treat myself to a custom ring. Something not expensive but meaningful. I want it to symbolize survival, strength and growth. I saw a woman recently with such a ring, I think just crafted out of sterling. I noticed it at some school event and commented on it and she told me how she had had it made for herself. This might be an idea for someone to launch onto: "Survival Jewelry" to symbolize triumph over life's adversities.

Seeing the inexpensive costume jewelry at Walmart made me wish for a little necklace or a new pair of earrings. I always lose my earrings and am down to one pair. At the holiday concert the other week I spied a woman with a quilted Vera Bradley bag and yes, I drooled. I am not into shoes but boy I do appreciate a nice purse and Vera bags are so colorful and fun. I've been wanting one for three years! It's okay to want nice and pretty things. A Vera bag wouldn't break the bank at about $50.00.

Anyway, I've done pretty well as I said before avoiding not feeling bad because I can't afford anything past essentials right now. I stay out of stores on purpose if at all I can avoid going into them. But seeing all the people at Old Navy and Walmart buying gifts did jolt me out of my self-imposed blinders and it surprised me how quickly I wanted to indulge in a small treat for myself.

I love vintage jewelry and always thought that if I ever remarry I'd ask my spouse for an old pin on gift giving occasions instead of other more expensive options. Vintage pins run about $10.00 - $20.00 and are so fun, with such variety for every season.

I don't have expensive tastes and boy have they become even less expensive in recent years. But I also want to be real and admit that I'm tired of pinching pennies and a few extra dollars to have for discretionary spending would be nice. I don't want to be so poor anymore.

Birthday Blues

It was my birthday last Friday. I didn't post about it to let my feelings settle. Guess I wanted to see where they'd lead me. I did experience a letdown and some disappointment. I've posted about the lack of gifts in my life before - that is part of the reason Valentine's Day is so hard for me. Since widowhood, I haven't received flowers and gifts are a rarity. The ones you buy for yourself don't count.

So, on my big day I got a text message saying simply, "Happy birthday," a phone message and an email message. No cards, no gifts. Three impersonal messages not even given in person. I had to go to my insurance agent for a copy of one of my policies and did receive a "Happy birthday" in person there.

I struggle with whether I should be glad for getting even the message acknowledgments that I did. But I'm that half-empty glass gal and so instead I focus on the stinginess of the messages.

Now I should clarify that I have never sent cards to my family with the exception of my Mom when she was alive. So I shouldn't even expect anything from my family. And two of the messages were from family members. But I feel it would be better to have received nothing instead of paltry, duty messages. Instead of feeling noticed and cared for, I ended up feeling diminished and not worth very much if that makes any sense. Maybe I'm thinking about this all in the wrong way. But I know most days I don't feel very valuable to anyone and often I feel invisible.

I know I often disclose about my desire to remarry. How else will I have someone supportive to be by my side if I get sick like my husband was? I worry about dying alone now. There would be no one who'd come to the hospital and manage all the home care stuff that I did for three years nursing my cancer-stricken spouse. My sad little pathetic birthday is evidence of how small my social support network is. It will be up to me to try and reinforce and build it up by meeting new people and establishing myself in new social circles. But right now extra time is limited and my mood is so low it is hard for me to gain the incentive to get out socializing. I can picture it now - "Hey everyone - let's meet that attractive newcomer to our singles group - she is so depressed and negative. All she does is complain. We get so inspired by her life sucks attitude!"

All of us need to feel as though we are valued and important to others. I want to know that someone out there cares enough about me to go out and buy me a gift. In the past, before widowhood, my Mom always sent a card with a check, my husband of course gave me a gift and card as well as making sure the boys picked out something, my mother-in-law would send a card, and there would be cards and a cake at work.

All week I've told myself that my value as a person in this world is not dependent on whether or not I received a card or gifts for my birthday. I've told myself that my circumstances right now are what they are and not to take it personally. But it is hard to have a birthday seem to pass by without so much as a pause in the day-to-day routine.

I've really struggled raising the boys on my own without familial support on either side. My husband's family has not given the boys one single gift or anything since their Dad's death. Their indifference has been hard to deal with. It seems as though family thinks I'm just fine on my own but I'm not. Out of sight, out of mind. You know what the real gift could have been? A phone call other than on my birthday at any point over the past seven years where someone from my life simply called up and said, "Hey, I'm thinking of you - is there anything you need right now or something I could do?"

Mother's Day

I am feeling down about Mother's Day. Like I am being excluded from this big party I should be going to but have been denied admission to. I won't get anything and we can't afford to go out for a meal - or to even get takeout someplace.

I think about those fortunate moms who'll be treated to brunch wearing cute new summer outfits. I'd even be grateful for a husband who'd run into the grocery store for a bunch of flowers and box of candy for a duty gift. Anything is better than nothing!

It's hard to be an only parent. I know I sound like a broken record because I talk about this a lot. But to have to shoulder everything day after day and then endure a day celebrating motherhood and you get passed by when you're actually functioning in SUPERMOM capacity. Well, there just seems totally unfair and almost cruel about that.

Those Damned Flowers Again!

I have a short list of topics I want to write about before stopping this blog. Getting my final two cents in about widowhood in general. But then something like this happens today and I want to post about it and now I'm another day behind in my intention to stop posting about widowhood.

After work, I stopped at one of the local grocery stores (a big-named one in our area) which has been selling meat and dairy products near the expiration code date at a substantial discount. I try to stop in everyday to check out these deals and have come across some great ones - all the meat is sold at either 99 cents or $1.99. Today, I picked up a package of breakfast sausage that I can make with eggs. Packages of cinnamon rolls were just 99 cents so I got some of those. Also, a package of six breakfast burritos.

Basically, I plan what I serve for meals around these specials. If ground turkey or chicken is there, I use that for a skillet dish. Chicken breasts I make into a casserole and so on. Other recent deals: a gallon of skim milk, which is our preference for 99 cents, a dozen eggs for 75 cents, cereal for 50 cents a box and bread for 50 cents a loaf.

As I walked around the store I noticed a nice grandmotherly woman shopping with her daughter-in-law. As they passed me, grandmother said to daughter-in-law, "What kind of sweets can I pick up for the kids? I want to get them something." I felt that little pang of regret tinged with envy pass through me.

Then they turned up behind me in the check out lane and I noticed a gorgeous bunch of white roses coming down the conveyor belt. I admired them and asked what occasion they represented. Grandmother replied, "No occasion. I am just getting them for my beloved daughter-in-law to show her my appreciation. She is the mother of my beloved grandchildren and I am so thankful she is in my life." I smiled and said, "You both are very fortunate." Then as I left the store with my cart filled with marked-down specials the tears started to flow.

Presents With Ribbons And Bows

It was such a pleasant fair weather day yesterday. I felt good and more in control as I drove to a neighboring town to fill out a job application. The sun was out. The snow on the ground was fresh and pretty. It wasn't frigidly cold. I stopped into a bakery cafe for a quick restroom stop. Instead of feeling down that I couldn't pick up a pastry, I admired the mini cupcakes they had featured for Valentine's Day and the gas fireplace that was lit. I love fireplaces and told myself that I'll revisit this cafe with a book in the future. I'll treat myself to a hot tea and pastry while sitting in the little alcove around the fireplace.

It is productive for me to get out and about. Having been a stay-at-home widowed mom for much of my widowhood, I know firsthand how easy it is to feel isolated very quickly. Seeing the people having lunch at the cafe made me feel connected to the larger world. Everyone seemed to have a spring in their weary winter steps because of the break in the weather. I felt energized just being in the hustle and bustle of the world. That will be a very positive aspect of going back to work for me - to have more involvement with the outside world. To interact again with people on a broader scale.

But those reactions were only part of my story yesterday. There was the part that felt connected and energized - the outside part of me. And then the inner, private part. As I made the half hour drive to the other town, I observed all the nice winter scenery shining in the sunlight while an inner dialogue was going on. For some reason my inner train of thought centered on the topic of presents and gifts. I'm not sure why or how I was focused on this. But my thoughts included feeling sad that in my widowhood I haven't received many gifts. Gifts wrapped in a box with paper and a bow on top. Gifts someone took the time to choose and then present specifically to me in honor of a special occasion.

In those first days, weeks and months of widowhood you never think of the little losses that will come up in the future. Who would ever imagine that there would be a sense of missing something because as the years go by, unless you buy something for yourself, no one presents you with a gift. When you have younger children, you can't expect them to go out and get you gifts. Your spouse was the one who took the kids to the store to choose Mother's Day or birthday gifts for you.

I know in the grand scheme of life this is trivial. But it is still one of those factors of widowhood that has impacted me, even in a small way. And yesterday I was just missing the whole gift giving aspect of life. I suppose it is one of those simple pleasures we take for granted until it just doesn't happen for us anymore. We miss it because it is no longer there, we can no longer count on it, nor do we even expect it. Is it essential for our ultimate happiness? No. But it is sure nice to receive a heartfelt gift presented to us in love. I personally miss that simple pleasure. This may not be as big a deal to others out there but it is one of smaller losses borne out of the death of my husband that has touched me.

Reflecting on all of this makes me even more cognizant of just how complicated and far-reaching widowhood impacts us. I would never have understood this in my early days of widowhood. It is only since the years have passed by that I can see how the loss of a spouse has affected me and my life on so many levels, in such a multitude of ways, many unexpected and surprising. I walk this walk with such respect and admiration for those who join me in my journey. And I am so grateful for those who read these posts and truly understand where I am coming from. Unless you have lived this, it is very hard to imagine how the loss of a spouse permeates almost every aspect of our days. Unless you haven't received gifts, it is hard to imagine how much you would miss them when they are absent. It is hard to imagine how all of these little losses pile up until they look and feel like that small mountain of dirty snow at the back of parking lot at the grocery store.

Anyway, this whole gift/present theme was playing out in my head as I drove around. I kept seeing pictures of prettily wrapped gifts in my head. And then I kind of imagined my whole grief stricken life as a present. Inside the box are my grief issues: childhood/family hardships; death of my husband; death of my Mom; divorce from second husband; loss of home and even most recently the out-of-state move of the man I've been involved with. To top off those issues is a big, bright and shiny bow representing the financial difficulties we are currently facing. This is the box I carry around with me everyday.

On a more positive note, I stopped by a local antique shop for a browse after completing the job application. It was on the route home anyway and I felt the need for a pick-me-up. As I left, the owner requested that I fill out a raffle ticket for a drawing they are having at the end of the month. In January, the winner received a cute tea cup and saucer. This month's prize is a crystal pitcher vase. I wasn't smitten with the vase - crystal isn't my thing and I was going to decline. But then I changed my mind. If I won the raffle it would be like receiving a gift, and an unexpected one besides. I can see the pitcher right now filled with some fresh cut flowers!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the HUGE flock of geese I saw on the lake at the forest preserve.
2. For fireplaces.
3. For yesterday's fair winter weather.
4. For the antique shops that have managed to remain open - so many have had to close.
5. For all the presents I've received in the past. You better believe that any I receive in the future will be truly appreciated and I'll try not to complain. In other words, I'll be grateful for any presents coming into my life, even if the color/design isn't one I'd have chosen.