Instability

Drove to the ethnic grocery store where I can get good deals on fruit and bakery items. Ahead of me in the parking lot, a pile of paper was churning around in the air in front of the stop sign. Immediately I felt a connection with the mess of paper, which I related to the turmoil going on inside myself and the need for it to STOP. At that point I also realized that the reason for my mood plunge may be the fact that I've had to switch meds because I lost my insurance through the state plan. Reason being that my oldest turned 18 and as such, is no longer considered a minor under my care. So my income was recalculated and I did not qualify for coverage, although both my sons will continue to be covered until they turn 19.

Now this is all crazy. Because how are kids at the tender age of 19 supposed to be able to support themselves and provide themselves with insurance, especially if they are in school full time? I can also attest to the fact that at my income level health insurance is almost impossible to afford. Working in retail and at a restaurant, I can also relate that these establishments keep a tight lid on employee hours specifically to keep them from qualifying for insurance benefits. That is why I am so eager to get a better job and to possibly remarry.

I did scramble and was able to obtain health insurance coverage for myself through my pension plan at the tune of $187.00 a month, which is actually pretty reasonable. Although the coverage is effective as of March 1, I still have not received an insurance card. It would cost me over $800.00 a month to cover my sons under a family plan.

I ran out of medication and found that the anti-depressant would cost over $100.00 to refill and the blood pressure pills about $84.00. So my doctor prescribed new meds under the $4.00 medication list from Walmart. Only problem, anti-depressants take a number of weeks to kick in. So now I do feel a drop in mood and my mental stability. And it doesn't help that I'm experiencing a huge bout of PMS this month too.

Stability. That is really what I long for at this point. A stable life and a stable mood. Widowhood can be chaotic and unstable. I want an easier and more predictable life. Not one where I have to scramble for insurance coverage and then deal with the ups and downs of changing medications. I know I sound like a broken record but I see widowhood and only parenting as a see saw. When there is a partner on the other seat, the see saw can be balanced. But with only one rider, the see saw is impossible to balance.

That blowing around garbage was a good visual metaphor for how I feel right now. Make the instability STOP please. Let me feel and live on an even keel. Please send me some balance. With balance comes peace, hope and contentment. It is just so hard to keep balancing everything by myself.

Vulnerability

As much fun and joy this picture depicts of snow, I am finding myself sick of the cold and winter. About this time of year I start to feel more vulnerable. I think part of it is related to the weather and the constant concern over winter driving and adverse weather conditions. I also just found out that although my sons will be eligible for health insurance from our state (I still have to pay a premium), I am no longer eligible and I am worried sick about being able to find affordable coverage between now and the end of the month.

I keep thinking of Obama's State of the Union Address when he talked about health care. I didn't know I was being cut from my coverage at that time and now that I am aware, I have become one of those citizens facing what is in my opinion one of the worst issues plaguing our country right now - not having affordable health care available to everyone who wants/needs it.

Just another hardship to try and figure out and deal with and quite frankly along with the weather I am sick and tired of coping with all of life alone. I have come to believe that it is nearly impossible for some of us to survive on our own (one salary) and that is part of the reason I am so eager for remarriage. Not only do I want to share life with a partner for romance and companionship, but it seems to be an almost economic necessity to exist in our society right now. Marriage would improve my economic/financial life as sad as a reason as that is to get married. But I'm trying to be practical here and realistic.

Anyway, that is what has been on my mind of late - more worry and hating the snow. The one bright spot is going to hear my son in a dress rehearsal concert for show choir tonight and he has a solo. It is tough going back out into the cold, dark night but at least the auditorium will be warm and alive with the spirit and energy of young people, much like those depicted in the snow picture above! I'm hoping some of that liveliness rubs off on me!

Update:

Although it was snowing when I left for the concert and I groaned a loud GROAN because it snowed yesterday too and I am so tired of scraping off the vehicles, it was worth attending. Couldn't believe how these kids get through a nonstop performance of 25 minutes singing and dancing to 6 songs with costume changes during! My son's solo was amazing. His band director was at the concert and congratulated him after. He said he wanted to speak to my son about college sometime this week. Then the director and I walked down the hallway together while my son got his costume and helped clear the stage. I related a little about the state talent contest, mentioning that my son had composed and performed a new song. I said I'm not sure where to go with promoting/supporting my son because it seems as though his work is becoming more complex and sophisticated. The band director agreed. When I added that my son seems to have something special, he agreed with that too. That is what he wants to also address with my son - where he can go from here.

The past few weeks my son has been complaining that he joined the group - the dance routines are fast-paced and difficult. He is working a lot of hours on the weekends and this is another responsibility. I was in show choir for two years in college and loved it. Seeing my son perform tonight I was reassured that it is a good activity for him to be involved in. Despite his complaints, he is one of the strongest dancers in the group and I feel that being in this group rounds out his musical experience. He plays guitar, is the section leader on sax for the top band, composes the music and lyrics to his own songs - he has not yet performed in a choir so this is good experience, as well as all the dancing.

I stopped at Starbucks on the way home to treat my son to a coffee drink. We were given a gift card from Sam and on Sunday I treated my youngest to a strawberry drink. I got a box of Joy tea which is a rarity since it is usually sold out by now. So Sam's gift treated us all. I noticed a bunch of sandwiches on the counter and remarked how good they looked. The manager told me they were free for the taking since they were going out of code soon. I told him my sons would be thrilled with a $5.75 sandwich for their lunches tomorrow and ended up with 4 sandwiches and a yogurt parfait, which I'll snag.

So the evening ended up turning out to be a big success despite the falling snow. After our latest blizzard anything is tolerable so I imagine that we'll make it through the rest of the season okay having survived such a bad storm last week!

Cowls and Change

I noticed at the Knit Club that all the women wore an item they had knitted be it a scarf, sweater, wrist warmers - and there were a lot of cowls/neck warmers. So it made me want to wear something too and with a $3.00 skein of yarn I created my own cowl which I wore last night.

At the meeting, I sat next to a woman whose daughter soon leaves for a mission assignment overseas. She also talked about her 55-year-old husband having lost his job in June. He has been on the job hunt but nothing is in the works and they are thinking of moving to Texas for a cheaper cost of living and to be closer to some family there. I think of my difficulty in finding "real" work, not the part time stuff I've been doing just to make ends meet. At times with this hostess job I am so bored I want to scream! I felt the same way cashiering at the big box store.

This all leads up to Obama's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. It was an interesting speech for me because the beginning of it reminded me a lot of widowhood. When Obama talked about the middle-aged population struggling to find employment he used words such as reinvention and having had known worlds collapse around you. Both of these descriptions so aptly fit widowhood as well.

The references to reinvention are really bothering me. Because having lived a life that has pretty much totally collapsed on all levels, I know first hand how difficult it is to reestablish oneself and start anew. Obama really didn't offer any examples or ideas of how people are supposed to "reinvent" themselves except to go back to school. This is troubling because I can't afford that option now except for a program at a community college because I have to concentrate on getting two kids through college - their education is the number one priority. My educational goals are secondary, yet I need to make enough to find a job where I feel emotionally fulfilled and economically stable.

Obama also talked about the health care crisis. Today I received notification that although my sons will still be covered under the State, I will lose my coverage. How am I supposed to afford medical insurance for myself now? It seems as though I can never get caught up (I'm assuming my insurance will run about $300.00 monthly). We can barely make it on the pension yet we qualify for no benefits other than the insurance such as for food and utility subsidies. My rent alone costs $1,200.00. I need a full time job with insurance benefits. But like so many other mid-lifers out of work am at a loss about how I go reinventing my work and career life.

I heard a horrifying statistic. I seem to recall that it was something along the lines that 85% (it might have even been higher) of people ages 55 and older currently out of work will never find work again. The suggestion was for mid-lifers to somehow try and create their own consulting type jobs and become independent contractors. Easier said than done.

This is all very gloomy and distressing. No one seems to have any real solutions. I want to try and remain positive that despite my outdated and defunct master's degree I can somehow turn my experience around and add some kind of training to it so I can work in an office again as a professional and actually have a health insurance plan. That will be the focus of my efforts at this point. But it is so hard with so much else always on my plate...

I wish it were as easy as simply taking an evening to knit a cowl. But therein perhaps lies the answer. I did knit a cowl to adapt and fit in. I have to continue to believe that it will happen on the major fronts too.

Drowning My Sorrows

Today, some of my previous euphoria at having gone to the knitting club on Wednesday evening dissipated. My oldest son is grouching about the van being out of commission and sent me a text at work today that he tried starting it again and the battery just died - this was after I filled it with one of those portable gas cans. "We are screwed!" he informed me. That just about killed my internal mood the rest of the day at work. I've worked the lunch hour all week and it has been very busy on account of the holiday and people being off of work and families visiting and so forth. I have been tired standing the five hours on my feet.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the van. My little sedan still needs the $600.00 work on it that I've put off since September. When I drive it, it sounds like I'm in a truck but I've gotten used to it and have just tried to grin and bear it. I still have to get my son to Springfield for the talent contest in mid-January besides (another worry). Only having the one vehicle makes it difficult for my son to get to work after school (I can pick him up in the evening) and over Christmas break he has been walking to and fro. Not bad when the weather is mild but a mile and a half walk in snow, bitter cold and ice isn't pleasant (especially with a backpack of school books).

The other damper on the new year is that working this new job means my income kicks me up out of the bracket for eligibility for health insurance provided by the state. So if I keep working this job, I'll actually be worse off because I'll need to pay out of pocket for health insurance and it will cost me more than I'm making. So we will even be further in the hole! The cost of health insurance for my family has ranged from $500-$600 when I have had to pay for it out of pocket and that doesn't even include the co-pays.

I am so sick of this life. Just trying to get by. Single/only parents are really hit hard. I understand why it is better for some people not to work. As it is, how does working this job help me right now if I'm tired and drained afterward and not making any progress because all my income now has to go toward health insurance coverage? Instead of being able to dig myself out of our hole, I just keep digging myself down deeper!

What is so desperately needed in our country is affordable health insurance for everyone! Especially those most in need, single/only parents raising children on reduced incomes. The only thing that will save me here is getting a full-time job with benefits. All these part-time jobs just end up leaving me without benefits and put me in an income bracket that doesn't allow me any type of assistance. It is so discouraging to be stuck in this hole and not seeing an easy way to dig out. As it is, we just have enough to barely make it much less have anything left over for car repairs.

So I am somewhat down and wanting to drown my sorrows in drink since it is New Year's Eve after all. My apartment friends have invited me out to a sports bar tonight for a drink or two. I wish I could get tipsy so I could forget the worries and troubles weighing on my soul. But I only have $10.00 and that will probably only cover two drinks. I'll have to make the most of them.

The Weight of Baggage and Burdens

Today I woke up feeling like I was bearing the weight of the world within my soul. I felt suffocated and had those gasps of fear people with panic attacks must experience. I could feel the insides of my stomach contract and my breathing became fast and frantic. All this grief and loss combined with the fear and stress from trying to get by has compounded to the point of feeling like there is some kind of bomb inside me that is going to explode.

I so wish I did not have to bear all of this pain around me. It is a burden and baggage that will always surround me. I hope someday when life becomes easier that I won't have to carry so much on my shoulders and that I won't feel so much of the weight of the past. But right now the past and present have combined to pretty much overtake my spirit and strength.

I called my family doctor and requested an appointment. I asked them to check for an earlier date when I was told there were no openings until next week and now have one for tomorrow. I'll tell this doctor what is going on and my symptoms and discuss options. I just know for now that the past and present bear too much on my soul and if there is something that can alleviate some of the physical symptoms, that would be a good thing. I am also having difficulty sleeping, only getting a few hours a night and that does not help me during the days.

Both of our cars now need work. My little sedan to the tune of almost $600.00 and the van, $135.00 if it only needs a new battery. I got a loan from the pawn shop today to pay for the van, bringing in my wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond which was sold during my divorce. Never in a thousand years would I have ever believed I'd need to go to a pawn shop, much less go into one on my own and negotiate but I held my head up high and accomplished that today. So despite the awful feelings within and those I carry on my shoulders, in addition to the weight that I feel floats around me, I did do my best to take care of business today. Worked on new resumes, made lunches, got the boys to school, cleaned up, got a referral for my son to get his vision tested, dealt with a credit card company.

I found out that we have vision coverage through Walmart, although it only covers glasses and my son prefers contacts. That means I can finally get a new pair of glasses for myself and will get some kind of reduction for my son's exam with the contacts - that will help!

So I am making it through the days but there is always such effort involved. Last night was the parent meeting for show choir which is $500.00. I had talked to the school about a financial break earlier in the day and then had to come up with a payment plan with the adviser. I was not the only parent to do so. I saw another mom and a dad pick up the financial payment sheet and each converse privately with the adviser. I ended up agreeing to make 6 payments of $75.00 and my son can also help out by selling school related fund raising items during the year.

The show choir is pretty amazing - it reminded me of the choir that is portrayed on the program Glee. My son is the only "jock" athlete of the group, with the majority of the kids being more into the theater, performing arts and dance. I asked my son if he will be comfortable performing for school assemblies and he is fine with it. I hope he is an inspiration to other kids that they can be in more than one type of activity. The athletes tend to only engage in athletic activities, etc. The choir director told me that one of the songs she chose for the group to perform was selected because she wants my son to have a solo in it. So that is a bright spot amidst all this struggle.

The sedan needs a new catalytic converter. It can still be driven but the motor is extremely loud and I am embarrassed. It sounds like I need a new muffler. I was told to keep the windows down while driving because the front pipe is broken near the front of the car and is leaking exhaust into the interior. I picked my youngest up from school and he started laughing about the car and told me that one day I'll look back on this and laugh too. I replied that I really don't think I ever will look back on this period and laugh. It is too difficult with more pain than gain. I'm having trouble staying afloat much less getting ahead or even remaining stable.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to stay with Sam instead of bringing the boys back here to finish high school but I have to stop that train of thought and just go with the fact that that decision was made, what is done is done. We've started my oldest's final year of high school and he is flourishing. So I won't look back and laugh at the hardships we're experiencing now. I do hope I look back and believe the sacrifices were worth it for my sons.

For now, I have to do my best to concentrate on getting through the days and hanging in there. I am hoping that the van can get repaired this week and we'll manage with sharing one vehicle for a month or two and then have the sedan fixed. In the meantime, I am glad I have that doctor appointment tomorrow because at this point, I'll take some extra help if it'll lessen the load of baggage and burdens I'm carrying.

Running Around in Circles

It is disconcerting to realize how much my work situation mirrors that of my widowhood. And even more to be living a life where I feel trapped and unable to escape my circumstances.

The problem with the job is pure and simple - there is just not enough staff. I have anywhere between 12 and 17 residents to care for depending on the floor. The actual caring of the residents isn't the issue - it is the logistics surrounding that care. On Friday, eight of my 12 residents required that I have assistance in getting them up out of bed into their wheel chairs. However, I spent countless wasted time running around hallways and entering rooms in an effort to locate another CNA to provide that assistance. Along the way I'd get nabbed by a nurse from another unit to take a resident to the bathroom or assist in some way. Then I'd be away from my residents longer than necessary. The deal is that I will be fired if I lift a person on my own and they fall or get hurt. I would also lose my CNA certification. In order to save time, most CNAs take that risk and transport residents requiring a two-person assist by themselves.

Bottom line is, while at work I feel as ineffective as I do at home parenting as an only parent or as a lover or with my finances. Running around in circles and falling woefully short.

God, is this going to be the story of the rest of my life? I worry that if it is so, I'm going to lose my mind! I can't keep at this where every corner of my life seems to be a miserable failure.

I leave work depressed and upset over everything I didn't get done - I'm worried I'll be fired for this. Then I get home to more running around in circles. This past week I've tried to solve a problem with one of my oldest son's acne prescriptions. There was a snafu between Walmart, the doctor, the drug company, which regulates the drug and then the insurance. I will spare you the details because it is a comedy of errors. But at the end, I threw up my hands and gave up. I can't solve this mess, nor should it be my responsibility to do so. There are people on the clock who should be figuring this out, not the poor mom without the time or energy.

This is the first time that I've given up on something since my husband's death. I've always worked it out in the past and figured it out. But I have reached a point where I am admitting defeat. It's like the seven year marriage itch they talk about. After all this time on my own, six and a half years, I've reached some point where I'm losing the resolve and strength I've possessed in the past. Admitting defeat and giving up.

I think there has to be balance in life. And when successes are missing, one's life becomes lopsided and hopeless. You feel like you just keep digging a hole to the center of the earth or like you're running around in circles endlessly.

I will give myself a few points of credit for at least not killing or physically harming anyone at work. That is a risk I will never take. Unfortunately, it resulted in one poor lady with only one leg never getting up out of bed on my shift because I could never locate a sling which is used for one of the equipment lifts. It is sad that she isn't coherent. If she was, I think the nursing home would be hearing about it and having some hell to pay.Show all

Finally, A Break At Last!

First of all, I am very grateful for the kindness and support received from those leaving responses the past few days. I will try and comment on your individual responses but am still feeling sick so may not get to it today - I'll try for tomorrow afternoon.

There is finally some good news. I called the State this morning and have been advised that I can still maintain the insurance - it renews and has to be re-qualified for in a year. So that is the biggest load off my shoulders! Having insurance for the boys has no doubt been the biggest worry I have faced the past couple of years - and it is the number one worry I have had. At least that can now be put to rest for the time being.

I've thought long and hard about this job. It is not the best fit for me but I need to work. It is also extremely physically and emotionally draining. For that reason, I called in today and requested that I go down to part-time hours until the boys are out of school. Then I can reassess the situation and go from there. This way, I can work and it will be less physically and emotionally taxing on me and the boys. And I can use some of the days off to look for another, more suitable position. And I can devote the time to clearing out the storage sheds once and for all now that the weather is warm and mild enough to do so. I feared that if I continued to work full-time, I would end up a basket case and be so exhausted I'd have no energy for anything on my days off but catching up on my sleep.

In a way, making this decision was one based totally on what I want and need. I don't love this job. It is difficult for me to motivate myself to go. But at the same time I want to make an effort at it - hopefully I'll feel more comfortable with more experience. I've never not worked in my life. I have worked since my preteen years. Actually, my first job was in second grade selling seeds and Christmas cards door-to-door. I worked for almost all my own clothing in high school and put myself entirely through undergrad and grad school. I did not receive a penny from my parents for my undergrad college! So, I have been working hard for a long time.

It is just when I was widowed that it became hard to work and parent on my own. Just not enough hours in the day and too much to do. Working part-time is my preference if possible because I have trouble doing it all on my own. My requesting part-time hours is the one concession I can give to myself knowing how hard it is to run a household and parent solo. I know myself and my limitations. It will still be hard working part-time. But at least not as hard. and maybe once I get into the swing of things it won't be as hard increasing my hours. Or I can work more over the summer months and cut back again when the boys go back to school.

I am glad I stood up for myself but feeling upset at all the anguish that has existed in my heart and soul over the past days worrying about this issue. Part of it is the fact that I live alone and don't have an adult partner or even family member to turn to when this stuff comes up. It is bearing the brunt of the unknown alone. And that increases the anxiety and stress. No one is around to say, "Hang in there. It'll be okay. Let's put this to rest right now and watch some mindless t.v. to take our minds off it." Sometimes it is impossible to distract oneself despite the best intentions. This is one of the advantages of living with someone. Having someone around who cares about you and to physically and emotionally lean on is worth its weight in gold.

For now, I am working hours that I think are manageable and I have insurance for my family. My hope has been restored. The new L. L. Bean catalog came today and for a moment I let myself imagine buying a bright lime green blazer and short blue chino skirt that I'd look good in. It has been so long that I've allowed myself the luxury of such fantasy. And that felt good - no it felt great. Much, much better than the dismal feelings of failure, doom and gloom that have been floating around in my mind the past days!

I think being sick has not helped and I am still fighting whatever it is I got. I just do not feel myself or up to snuff. It doesn't help going into work and trying to orientate to a new job when you don't feel well. And it has probably contributed to the worry and anxiety. I am sure being under the weather increased my feelings of despair and depression. I hope I will kick these lingering feelings of malaise in the days ahead - I still have to work but I think the relief I feel knowing that we still have insurance will let me relax more and deal with going back to work better. I would say that when you're sick there isn't much spare energy left to boost your mood and morale up. You're already physically down and that is where your mood kind of remains too.

Thank you all again for listening and caring. I hope if anything, that what this has accomplished is for others out there to realize how desperate and necessary the issue of affordable health care for struggling families and individuals is and has become.

Health Insurance Nightmare Continues

Bad news - the monthly cost of health insurance at my new job would cost me $764.56, although there is a rate increase April 1st, so the cost will more likely be $789.56. For all practical purposes, $800.00! Had I known this, I would never have accepted this job. I need a job with benefits because I am the sole parent and bread winner. It makes no sense to me to work a very hard, challenging, back breaking job being paid $10.00 hourly, to not receive some sort of benefits. As it stands, if I keep working this job I'll have to get my health insurance somewhere/somehow and I will mainly be working for that. Once taxes are taken out, gas, car insurance and maintenance, I'll be working for practically nothing. I'll end up being an exhausted mom, suffering physically and mentally. Leaving at 5:30 a.m. on the days I have worked has already been a strain on the boys, although we've all survived and it would become easier.

Bottom line - I am not in a position to work myself ragged. This would be a non-issue if I were married. But I'm not and at this point I have to hold out for something better for all of us. That or I really need to get back out there and start dating again so I can possibly meet a man interested in marriage. Because that ultimately is what I am beginning to believe is my only hope to a better life.

There is that saying that Jesus so loved the widows and orphans. I have not seen any evidence of that. At one point today I broke down in tears. I just need to get my footing back for a little while. I can't seem to get a grip on any smooth, even and safe surface. I just keep slipping down. I can't seem to catch a break but not for lack of trying. I thought taking this short-term CNA program would help get my foot back in the door. Or are all employers these days not offering their employees benefits? I've always thought that people work full-time for the benefits. And that employers try to provide some benefits to draw and maintain decent employees.

Maybe I've been out of the work force too long. I don't know anymore. I know that my husband received our health insurance for nothing and Sam only pays $90.00 a month for his family coverage.

I've thought two sad things today. One, that it would have been better if I had died and not my husband. He had a very high paying job and would have been able to better provide for the boys than I have. Second, fantasies of dying flitted about in my mind. What a relief to not have to worry and deal with any of this stressful crap anymore. But I don't believe my poor boys deserve anymore hardship. So it is probably better that the boys have at least one parent around. Granted, a poor parent but one attending their sporting events and making them dinner. One making sure there is health insurance coverage and looking out for their well being when no one else seems to be too concerned about their welfare.

It is hard to be optimistic because I feel I'm back at square one again. I'm a distressed mom craving an ounce of relief. I'm willing to work but not for nothing. I have to present to the Universe that my time, energy and skills are worth more than nothing. But how much more time do I have to wait for that? I think the widow has earned it.

And I'm still sick! I can't seem to kick it. And now my oldest has it and it pretty miserable. This makes me all the more aware of how much we need health insurance. Being sick drives the issue home.

Here are the options at this point -

1. Not work at this job and be able to have "free" health insurance coverage for the boys and I

2. Continue with this job but lose the health insurance from the state and basically be working just for the insurance

3. Ditch this job, keep the state insurance for the time being and keep looking for a job with better benefits

Health Insurance Insanity

This has been an anxious weekend for me. I have been working, still not 100% and worried about the employee health insurance plan. I've been told by coworkers that the amount deducted for a family insurance plan is almost $800.00 per month. I cannot believe that! The sheet I have in my employee packet says the premium amount for the cheaper plan is $363.63. Then it says (Deductions Taken With Each Payroll). When I saw this I assumed the $363.63 would be divided, with $180.00 deducted from each payroll. Could I have been wrong about this or are my coworkers incorrect? Of course, it being the weekend, no one from HR was around.

Lets say, even if I luck out and only have to pay $363.63 monthly, it doesn't kick in for 90-days. In the meantime, we'll lose the very low cost insurance coverage we're now receiving from the state. So in a way, we're getting screwed because I have gone back to work and am making more income than qualifies for the state coverage. What happens if one of us gets sick between now and mid-June? This brings me back to the terror I've already been living the past few months without insurance for the boys and I. It is a nightmare!

Say the verdict is the unthinkable $727.26 a month. I can go to a private insurance broker to obtain insurance again on my own. But I have been there and done that - and it was not good. Paying $350.00 a month to Blue Cross Blue Shield with a still large deductible that had to be met - no prescription coverage at all - no coverage for my sons' acne treatment - a co-pay for every doctor visit. I ended up paying way more monthly than the $350.00 already going out. It never seemed worth it and I always felt like I was getting robbed.

Well, I'll find out tomorrow from HR what the real scoop is. But as I've stated, I'm in for more worry whatever way it ends up. Having to get through a few months without coverage scares me beyond belief, especially since I have just gotten sick. I will be exposed to more illness at the nursing home including the Scabies I encountered today. What if I bring something home like that to the boys and then we have no insurance for treatment?

The response I heard from coworkers this weekend is that most obtain insurance from their spouse's plans. But here I am again, the middle-aged mom without a spouse. It is only me and me alone. All I care about is trying to provide for my sons' health, happiness and well being. It just seems as though women in my position with no one else to fall back on or rely on are the ones really screwed by this crappy health care system. How can we ever get ahead having to pay outrageous premiums? We get assistance when we're at the bottom of the barrel but then as soon as we start to do better, the benefits are abruptly stopped leaving us in the lurch. Can't there be some kind of grace period to cover us between the time the new insurance kicks in?

I am beginning to believe that the only way out of this kind of worrisome life is to remarry. It is almost as though that is the only way to survive these days by being able to reduce cost of living expenses by living with someone. I almost started crying at work this afternoon feeding two unresponsive residents. It is all so overwhelming at times. I am trying at this miserable job and still feeling as though I'm not going to catch a break.

I need to stop worrying. I won't know what is what until tomorrow. There is nothing I can do in the meantime but to post about my plight and hope my dire situation may have some bearing on the health reform voting going on today. Maybe the Universe will pick up on my desperate mother worry and sway the hand of one of those voting. The insurance crisis is real and serious I know for many. But maybe even more trying for only parents already stressed out of their minds. As usual, there is no one to help shoulder this load of responsibility and strain I feel. I'm willing to work but I do need affordable health insurance coverage for my family. I can't be expected to only be working to pay for the peace of mind that comes with having health insurance.

A Day in the Life

Spent most of the late morning and early afternoon at H & R Block. I had to run home for the boys' social security numbers and that added 30 minutes (my error - I should have thought to have them on me). The first draft had me owing around $700.00. But redoing the numbers with another exemption brought it down to owing nothing, thank goodness, the first time since my husband's death that I am not paying the IRS in April! H & R Blocked charged me $349.00, I thought it would be less. I delayed paying them and having the taxes transmitted because the due date is still a month off. I'll wait until I receive my first paycheck next week - it will only be for a couple hundred dollars but right now I am fearful of running my small checking account balance down and overdrafting. I would rather be safe than sorry. At least I know that the damage isn't going to involve owing the IRS money that I don't have. That is a blessing.

The cold/flu thing I have is still with me concentrated in my sinus area and chest. I have to cough and my voice is hoarse. But I am better, on the mend I would say.

I made the boys go to the free dental clinic they had at the school, which is available to all students regardless of income. The first thing my youngest said when I picked him up from track was "I am never going to that dental clinic again." He disclosed that he was the only non-minority of the 10 kids there. He also said that he does not think my oldest went and will blow it off. The boys have not seen their dentist since last April so I thought it would be a good idea for them to go. It was at the school and I talked with the nurse about the boys being embarrassed. We'd arranged that they would see her for passes so they wouldn't have to be called out of their classes. I just figured it was worth getting done because it was free and would avoid me having to take them in the future and wait for future appointments, etc.

My son's comments upset me - I feel for him. Luckily, he does not need any work done (he got a cleaning). We are the family that had to move to the other side of the tracks. This can't have been easy for my boys. If they rode the bus to school, they would be the only non-minority kids riding. I'm not sure how to process that. Does it make our situation worse to now live in a community where we have become the minority? I have no problems or complaints about our neighbors but I do understand my sons' wariness about riding the bus. They want to avoid trouble and I suppose also want to avoid feeling embarrassed. I feel kind of crappy that I forced my sons (at least one) to go to the dental clinic. I thought it made sense, was worth it and helpful to me besides. Anyway, at least I don't have to worry about getting one of them to the dentist now. I wish I could have gone - you can bet I would have taken advantage of a free cleaning as it has been almost a year for me too.

What I keep being reminded of is that my boys have been deeply touched by my husband's death. In some good ways and in some bad. I continue to feel hurt for them that so few people have ever really stopped to think about how this experience has impacted them. That old cliche "Kids are resilient" doesn't stand muster with me. I have come to believe that kids can be very wounded too. They don't bounce back as easily as we may want to believe.

I needed to stop to pick up something for dinner when I got my youngest. He complained that he did not want to wait for me to even run into the store quickly, agreeing to eat a BLT sandwich tonight with soup since I have those items on hand. I still needed to run into the store for two small tomatoes and to get money for the laundry card. Then I had to fill my little sedan up with some gas. The mileage is great - $20.00 fills the tank and lasts a month!

My son then got annoyed with me and I had to listen to his complaints about my not having signed him up for driver's ed yet - he is 15. He was supposed to register for it at school but did not. Now it will cost me $400.00 or so to get him signed up at a local driving school. While he badgered me with the fact that I love my older son more, I was frantically thinking about the H & R Block bill due, the 4 tires I need to replace on the car, the auto insurance due in mid-April and the fact that I still need to come up with the remaining $400.00 owed my bankruptcy attorney. I was getting irritated at my son, short and snippy but at the same time felt sorry for him because he went to the dental clinic so I didn't want to bash him. But still...

We get home and I realize I have forgotten to pick up bath tissue yet again from the store. I run back out to put $10.00 on the laundry card so I can wash towels tonight, of which there have not been any clean ones in the past few days. The boys go through them like no tomorrow and I am considering hiding them and rationing them out. It is too expensive to be washing as many loads of laundry that I do weekly now and the machines here do not wash or dry particularly well. And I hate having to drag everything down to the laundry room - it is so dirty in there. I really do miss the huge, extra large capacity washer and dryer I had when I lived in my home.

So there is my day and I am tired. I am not sure if it is because I am still recovering from the flu/cold thing I had, or getting the taxes was emotionally draining or the prospect of doing laundry depresses me. But I feel drawn out and not looking forward to fixing even the simple BLT sandwiches on the menu.

I am grateful:

1. The taxes were done - not the most pleasant job to get done.
2. That I do not owe any taxes.
3. That my youngest (at least one out of the two) doesn't need any future dental work.
4. I am feeling a bit better, slowly but surely.
5. There is food for dinner, gas for the cars, electricity for the appliances.

Running In Place

This morning I went to my dermatologist to have him check out some growths on my thigh I became concerned about. Skin cancer runs in my family and I had a mole removed a couple years ago, also on my leg. I figured I needed to know whether I needed to be worried before canceling my health insurance. My doctor has been out of the country for the last month and a half so worrying about this has been in the back of my mind. It turns out the growths aren't even moles but are caused by insect bites. And that my doctor does not take my insurance anyway. He accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield but I have BCBS - Select and he doesn't take that one. So much for the $350.00 a month I am paying for health insurance. I can't afford it but am so fearful of not having it, especially because of my husband's long illness and then when my youngest got diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome.

While on the road, my bankruptcy atty. called me and we talked about my not being able to afford the filing right now. I have received two checks totaling almost $1,000.00 from the mortgage lender from when I sold the house. But I am unable to cash them because they are made out to the estate of my deceased husband (and with no will or estate set up my bank won't cash them). My attorney said he would prepare and file a small estate affidavit for me free of charge if necessary.

Then I went to State Farm to discuss options for car and health insurance. I want to suspend the ins. on my beater car and just start using the van. I also requested that my oldest be taken off the policy just for now, until I get a job. But apparently there were problems doing that. I still have to figure that out. My agent warned me to not cancel my health ins. before being accepted for another plan so I've kept the Blue Cross for now although I am starting to have panic attacks about not being able to afford it, having the payment bounce and then getting prosecuted for writing bad checks and then not being able to find work because I'll have a criminal record... Oh lord, the worry just doesn't cease.

I stopped by a local resource center to check into benefits. The food pantry had just closed but is open every Mon. and Wed. I am no longer ashamed to apply for any type of assistance.

I called up my old mortgage lender to see if they would reissue the checks but they will not because my husband was the only name on the mortgage. They suggested I stop by one of their facilities that operates as a bank. I did so but it turns out the place is not affiliated with the mortgage branch so they could not help me.

Then I seemed to remember having filled out a small estate affidavit at some time, so went to the storage shed and took stuff out and found a box of old records but no such affidavit. It was snowy and cold and I could not get all the stuff I took out back in so I ended up with storage boxes in the van and will have to figure out where to store them now because I am not going back to the shed any time soon. That was pretty depressing!

Sam called to tell me he was thinking of me and understands my low mood and feelings. He wants me to come over tomorrow and stay through Wed. as his son will be with him and he has to work Wed. The boys have found friends to stay with so I will go tomorrow. I told him we have to sit down and really discuss this move and whether or not it is going to happen. We also need to discuss finances and the whole nine yards. He agrees. I know he believes it best that I bite the bullet and move but he also gets my hesitation because of the boys.

During the afternoon I stopped by a large nursing facility to see what positions they have open for Nursing Assistants. There are some during the day shift, part-time only. When I got home, I spent a larger part of the afternoon than was fun tearing through my paperwork to try and find some old check stubs from the big box store that I need for the bankruptcy filing. With the move and all the crap in the storage sheds, it appears next to impossible to locate anything that I need. So I will have to call corporate for copies as I am not opening that storage shed until spring!

My oldest is sleeping over at a friend's. My youngest and I heated up the turkey and trimmings leftovers my friend gave us for the second time.

In the old days, just a few short years ago, a day like today would have been spent browsing at Barnes and Noble, eating lunch out and then seeing what was on sale at Talbot's. I would have struggled with the decision of whether or not to buy one or two sweaters, or maybe even three. Ah, the good old days.

Sleeping Better Tonight

I went online briefly before dinner and came across sites offering health insurance quotes. I filled in some introductory info. and got a call back from Blue Cross Blue Shield later in the evening. Tonight I will be resting much better because I obtained immediate coverage starting on Friday which will be in effect for the month my actual policy is underwritten. This is a Godsend because my oldest starts Club Volleyball tomorrow night and one of the questions on his application form requests insurance information. I was actually afraid he'd be dropped from the team without insurance.

Instead of the $600.00 a month cost I had feared, this coverage will be $320.00 monthly and can be canceled at anytime (when I obtain full-time work, hopefully soon).

I can't tell you the relief that has come over me. This will not be an expense that is easy to afford but I don't feel I can live without health insurance and this amount is $300.00 less than what I'd first expected. And there are other options I am finding. For about $240.00 a month I could obtain hospital only coverage if I want to reduce the monthly premium. This plan doesn't cover prescription costs so I am still going to need to investigate how to obtain some relief from those costs - Walgreen's has a Prescription Savings Plan I'll probably need to get. And there is still dental care needed.

But at least for the time being we are covered medically if there is an emergency. And I know only too well the realities of hospital bills and medical costs.