Spring is Sprung

Today I had to go to the doctor so I could get a refill on my blood pressure medication. The office would not refill my prescription without a visit. I was not happy about the $20.00 co-pay. Gosh, finances are so tight that a mere 20 bucks having to be spent is cause alone for my blood pressure to rise!

I noticed these blooming flowers driving into the medical complex parking lot and vowed to snap a photo on my way out. Here the past two weeks we have been having a strange heat wave. Today it hit 87 degrees and everything is blooming a good month or two ahead of schedule. None of us have ever seen such an early spring. In fact, up until this year, there has never even been a day hitting 70 in March and we have now had a week of them.

It was good I had to see the doctor because my blood pressure continues to be high and cause for concern. So I got a new prescription. Considering that high blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run in my family this is probably a prudent measure. The doctor does not believe my exercising more or trying to lose weight will have much of an impact but I am vowing to try to improve more in these areas. Even though my sons are older, I still need to be around for them as long as I can. I need to make more of an effort taking care of myself and being healthy mentally and emotionally. The doctor does believe that stress is a factor along with my genetics.

I wonder if I weren't widowed would I not be dealing with this issue? I know for sure that I wouldn't be experiencing this level of stress in my life, nor would I have had the amount of stress I've experienced since my husband's death. Higher stress and widowhood might be correlated for some of us.

Anyway, despite the gloomy prognosis, I tried to see a bit of beauty in the day and to pay attention to it. For me, these pretty red blooms did the trick.

Crazy Life

Just wishing for a little peace and tranquility these days. The past weekend has been a bit crazy with Prom. Then my debit card was involved in fraudulent activity - someone tried to use it in California but my account was flagged and the account closed before any money was withdrawn from my accounts - thank goodness for that! But it is disconcerting to know that my info. was obtained including my PIN # - I guess I feel as though I've been violated in some way. Tonight at Knit Club another member had the same thing happen to her debit card over the weekend in California as well. We both use the same bank. I was glad to know it wasn't some weird curse on me - apparently a number of other folks in the community were targeted.

To top it off, my sons' vehicle was hit by a baseball during batting practice in the high school parking lot on Monday - the entire front windshield will need to be replaced and I'm still waiting to hear if the school will help with the cost - my insurance deductible is $500.00 so I'll be paying for it without insurance reimbursement.

Those events have kept me hopping. Need a little R&R and time off to myself. It gets so hectic at the end of the school year. And I honestly have come to believe that life's glitches are much easier to deal with when shared with a supportive partner - facing all this stuff on one's own is very tedious and wearing - physically and mentally.

Zest as an Ingredient to Life

My girlfriend and I have a tradition for each dance our kids attend. After we go for the photo sessions, usually around 4-6 p.m., we treat ourselves out to dinner. My friend who is also divorced has a hard time at these events, as do I, because we are usually the lone parents in the sea of married couples.

Tonight we met up as we usually do, grateful for a time to vent, talk and commiserate. We each had two drinks and a nice meal. Our conversation quickly moved on to other topics after we got the dance out of the way. I guess you can say that we have tried to create an enjoyable time for ourselves to counteract a trying and difficult experience. We've rewritten a recipe by adding a dash of zest and fun to an otherwise humdrum and bland dish. We end up looking forward to the end of the day which for both of us is full of errands and dealing with anxious kids. I thought about my dinner at the photo session and it helped me get through the hand shaking and meeting of other parents. A little sprinkle of courage and strength - a celebration that we made it through as single moms yet again - that we did what we needed to for our kids.

Wouldn't it be lovely to really have a little bottle of "zest" to take out and sprinkle over myself when the going gets tough?

Pills

Depression and OCD run in my family. So does high blood pressure and strokes. So when life got too stressful with my worry over feeding and clothing my family, I sought medical advice - early Fall. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med, one for depression and then two for high blood pressure. I did it for my sons. I need to be around for them through college. Having to deal with a mother disabled because of a stroke is not in the cards.

I know there are some people out there who seem to think I'm taking an easy way out. But I want to educate those not in the know that it isn't the case. Taking an anti-depressant doesn't make me automatically happy or high. I still feel my emotions, the sadness, worry and pain. I just have the ability to not hyperventilate and cry hysterically. The medication helps keep my emotions in check but it doesn't magically make everything better. These drugs aren't taken for recreation. They are being taken to keep my heart pumping normally and to help me get through my days on a more even keel.

I was doing pretty well on my own before my divorce and having to sell my home. Those two events seemed to do me in - the grief I felt was overwhelming and actually included internal physical pain. It's funny to live in a society that has medications to really assist people in need with their emotional issues. Yet at the same time there continues to be stigma toward the people taking medications - as though something is wrong with us because we can't handle life on our own.

For me, the benefits of trying to take care of and manage my emotional health are worth any of the stigma that is directed my way. I have an obligation to be there for my sons, in as healthy a way as possible. I don't feel I have a choice at this point.

I said "No" this week. On Wednesday, my day off, I spent the ENTIRE day taking care of taxes (mine and the boys'). There were complications. My H & R Block guy had to reschedule the next appointment after me because we needed more time. Thursday I was supposed to go to a volunteer church activity with my girl friend but I didn't want to go. I was tired from the tax ordeal and kept looking around my home space in dismay. I just can't seem to rustle up the time to tend to home duties. Now why would I be volunteering my valuable time to give to others when I can't even take care of my own needs?

On that same note I told Sam I couldn't come to see him over the weekend. When I go to see him it is a break and fun but I come home to everything I left undone and it creates a lot of stress. So he is going to come for Easter.

Everything takes so much time - laundry, housework, cooking, cleaning. I have told myself that I have to focus on taking care of the home front first and foremost. No more running away for play time. That is a hard one, because of course we need free time and enjoyment. But I need to get some aspects of my life together and squared away and as a widowed mom, the only way that is going to happen is if I do concentrate on work for the time being. The playing can come later.

I don't often say "No." But I have to in order to preserve my sanity and move onward. There is that double standard thing going on though. When I assert myself and stick up for myself I'm often criticized and told I'm not organized or strong enough - that something is deficient with me. I won't play the game anymore. Thursday and Friday were so busy at work. I was tired both days. After work on Friday I went to my absolutely most favorite place in the world to go - Walmart - to pick up my son's prescription for acne medication. Every month I go through some major conflict getting this script filled and yesterday was no different. I ended up spending two hours in the Walmart (I will spare you the details). I hadn't had lunch and was starving. I considered buying a candy bar or something. I didn't get home until after 5:00. So for those out there constantly pointing a finger at me, I put up my hands and say, a big "NO more."

Jewel

A couple of weeks ago I made the conscious decision to start referring to myself privately as "Jewel." Kind of changing my name so to speak. This came about because of a situation I was having with a friend, said friend saying negative comments about the feelings I was having about certain things. It was also brought on by a couple books I've been reading by Claire Cook, who I just randomly discovered and is wonderful. Please check her out if you are not familiar with her. She wrote the book "Must Love Dogs," which was made into a movie. Her topics are about mid-life women empowering themselves and standing tall.

So after being bashed by this friend I just kind of had it. I thought about past relationships and patterns with them. I do have a history of being around people who don't treat me with respect. A number of romantic relationships have been with commitment fearing men. Well, no more I said. I deserve to be in healthy relationships where I'm treated respectfully and my opinion matters. In romantic relationships I do deserve to be courted (given small tokens, cards, flowers and so on).

I was lucky to have not had to deal with all of this stuff during my 12-year marriage. But now back out there as a single person it is a relevant aspect of my life. I have the choice to end relationships that aren't healthy or giving me what I want. I love a passage in Claire Cook's book "The Wildwater Walking Club," where the main character decides not to give men a second chance if they don't call here when they say they will. "Grow up" she tells them. That inspired me.

Only parenthood and widowhood is grueling. I really do the best I can. But it is hard. And I don't deserve to hear negativity about me for no reason other than the insecurities or immaturity of others. I don't have time for that anymore. I deserve better.

I can treat myself as a jewel and expect to be treated equally that way by others. And of course I need to look at other people as being their own jewels as well. Sunday night the boys and I watched Celebrity Apprentice, a family tradition. The Atlanta Housewife contestant bashed sweet Latoya Jackson by calling her a "ghost,' "old," and riding on the coattails of her family name. I was pretty shocked. It was very mean and immature. Who is this Atlanta housewife anyway? I've never even heard of her until this show. To resort to putting people down based on their appearance is so childish. Latoya was so gracious and dignified. I would not have been able to restrain myself and most likely would have hurled an insult back. But LaToya did not do so and believe me she just blew me away with her ability to stand up to such an attack on her person.

Ellen DeGeneres ends each of her shows with the words. "Be kind to one another." So here is a reminder for that and for all of us to look deeper within, especially when we're angry or upset with one another. A jewel wouldn't be insulting another jewel now would they - both are beautiful and precious!

Gourmet

In these times of economic hardship and worry, I have come to believe that every once in awhile we need to go for that gourmet treat be it a $1.99 cupcake or $6.00 glass of premium wine. Savor these splurges because we are worth being treated with TLC, especially when our moods and/or pocket books are at their most depleted.

Days

I have adopted the JC Penney slogan, "Every Day Matters" as one of my mantras. Every day does matter. Even the days when we are grieving, or consumed with pain, worry and frustration. There are times when I haven't thought my days have mattered. When I've been on my own, single and these past few years when we've had to cope with financial instability.

But I've come to believe that this is a very wrong attitude. It isn't right to put my life on hold because everything isn't all rosy right now.

Times are hard for me. But at the end of my life, I hope this blip on the radar screen of life will have passed. And I don't want to look back and see this past stretch of years as ones that I wasted by not treating myself with kindness, compassion, years devoid of small pleasures and happiness.

Each day I wake up and look at and then repeat the words, "Every day matters." Each day is a new beginning. One that we can start over if we've wrecked our diets or need to make some amends. I can greet each day as a gift and a chance to grow myself and nourish others. And to love.

When we're dealing with grief and loss it can be very easy to say life doesn't matter and to put our lives on hold thinking we'll start living again when things improve. I won't do that anymore. I'm doing my best to make each day, every day the best it can be. To make them count. To make them matter because they do matter. And maybe they matter the most when times are hardest.

Spring Yarn

There is a fragrance by Clinique called "Happy" and indeed, when you smell it, the scent is about as close to what I would describe as happiness in a bottle. Also, a fragrance called "Red," and again, if there is a way to bottle the smell of a color, this one sure does fit. I wear it every February as it is more of a winter fragrance in my opinion.

I came across an inexpensive bulky skein of yarn from the Deborah Norville line at JoAnn Fabrics. I believe it was on sale and was only $3.00 or so. The color was called "Spring" and seeing and touching the candy cane/Easter egg hues made me immediately think of spring. So I got a couple skeins and started playing around with different patterns to make a spring inspired scarf.

The pattern I settled on if from the book "One Skein Wonders," called "Jan's Sensational Scarf." It can be worked in virtually any yarn on size 15 needles. The pattern is K1, "K1, Yarn Over, Knit Two Together," K1, repeating the center section. The scarf in the photo was made with 14 stitches. I whipped it up in a little over an hour and wore it to Knit Club. Then at the club I started a more narrow one to give to my sister with just 11 stitches. Almost got it finished last night. I got a lot of compliments on the yarn and the scarf last night. I must say it is nice to hear kind words of any sort.

I look forward to finishing the scarf tonight and sending it to my sister tomorrow after work. This is to replace the winter cowl I made her for winter wear and which she has received many compliments on. When times get tough or my mood gets low, I need to remember the power I have to spread cheer and hope. Even in the worst of times I can dig up a couple dollars or root through my yarn stash and create an item that cuts through the gloom and late spring snow and cold. When I wore the scarf yesterday evening, there was a sense of pride at having created my own accessory and the fun of having done so with such an aptly inspired yarn for this time of year, when everyone's mood is craving brighter colors, lighter clothing, plants/flowers and sunnier skies.

Spring Finally in the Air

After a harsh winter of longing for and dreaming of Spring, this fair season has finally arrived and I am sick (physically) and downhearted when I wish I was jumping for joy! I got ill last year around this time too and I wonder if it has something to do with focusing all my energies on getting through the winter months and once they are over my body can relax and give into fatigue. Just a nasty cold this time, when last year I think it was Mono. Still...

I don't want the rest of my life to go on this way. To struggle and battle with winter only to have it end and be so spent I can't even seem to look forward to the warmer months ahead. Too melodramatic here? I don't think so. I know fellow blogger and widow Beth will understand this, although I'm not sure others would. It's kind of like a feeling of spinning my wheels. So I made it through another rough winter - guess what? Another one awaits and another one after that and then another...

I am taking the day off from work. I had a rough day at work on Saturday when I was coming down with this and no doubt got sick at work in the first place. Long gone are the days when I would go into work sick. Now if I'm sick I'm staying home. In fact, one of the servers was ill with similar symptoms and she should have stayed home. But she is about 25 and when I was her age, I worked in sickness and health too.

Speaking of work, it is a tiring and rather thankless job. It reminds me so much of cashiering at the Big Box Store. I have resolved to start taking classes for the Library Assistant Program next term. I would have started them in January but that month became too crazy with the memorial service for my father and my son's talent competition in Springfield. I think knowing that I am DOING something to get myself out of these low or entry level type jobs will improve my mood considerably. But I also have to cut myself some slack knowing that I'm not the only professional out there working in retail or at a restaurant simply because of the economy and so on. But actually engaging in some type of action is a great motivator.

So these are my petty thoughts and worries at this point. I am disturbed with world events - the earthquake, our bombing of Libya. There have also been reported increased sightings of UFOs worldwide - that to me is very scary. And yet we drag ourselves out of bed and continue to face the days. At least now, there will be more sun than clouds.

"Gleet" Expectations

Great day Sat. We all went downstate for my oldest son's first show choir competition. The group placed first in their division and my youngest and I shared some quality private time. The competition was held near my old university so my youngest and I visited the campus and I got the boys some t-shirts. The show choir had lunch at the famous college eatery known for their bread and subs. My youngest and I got lunch there too and even took some bread home, which is the tradition of alumni when visiting.

The show choir was gone from 5:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 3:00 a.m. because the charter bus got stuck in a snowbank. My youngest and I only stayed for the first performance. On the way home, we stopped at an antique mall which was a real treat for me since I haven't gone to one in so long.

My youngest shared a lot with me about how hard it has been for him to follow in his brother's footsteps. He told me that he wants to forge his own identity but at school everyone expects him to be like his brother, etc. The teachers constantly compare the two. I gained a much better understanding of my youngest son's feelings and perspective.

He had me in stitches with his commentary on the show choir performance. One of the things he admitted was that he doesn't think the group is all that good. But then he clarified that by stating that perhaps watching the Fox show "Glee" has ruined it for him (and maybe others) because he expects my son's group to sound like the Glee group. I laughed and told my son that the Glee kids are professional actors and older, which he knows anyway. But I found his observation very funny and told him I'd include it in my blog. I asked him what I could title this post and it was his suggestion with the creative play-on-words "Gleet" Expectations.

Driving around downstate Illinois with my little family together, visiting my old college campus, spending time with my youngest, watching a quality musical performance that resulted in 1st place, having a great lunch and then to top it off, visiting an antique mall! It was a good day and I felt happy! There seem to be more days now that are happier rather than sad, and I feel a page has turned in my life and the wheels are finally spinning forward!

Nature Resting

I finally got to take a walk a few days back and was surprised at how barren and drab the landscape in my little forest preserve had become. It made me reflect upon nature taking a break or nap for the next few months. I shifted that focus to me and my need to be like nature in winter and take some time off too from grief and all this self-processing. It is okay to take a vacation now and then and just be without trying to overcome, grow or self-actualize. We're not machines. Our minds, bodies and spirits need rest and rejuvenation.

I never would have imagined the amount of "work" that goes into coping with a major loss and then the aftermath of going on solo before my husband died. It is a very depleting and exhausting process - one that seems never ending. But I want to take a cue from nature here and spend the next few months restoring my soul - hard when it is so cold out there now. But I need some TLC, not harsh resolutions to start out the new year.

I don't understand anymore how people can go from feasting and merriment one day to the Slim Fast or Special K diet the next. There needs to be a gradual shift from one mind set to the next in order for say, a diet to be successful. On that note, here are my goals for January. I've decided to go for monthly goals instead of resolutions this year.

1. Reduce/delete the emails in my in box. Yesterday I had 5044. That is not a typo. Today I am down to 4300. By month's end it would be wonderful to be left with only 100! We'll see. I have a hard time letting anything go (relationships, possessions, read text messages, memorabilia) - pretty much everything and it got worse when my husband died, hence the great difficulty in having to clear out those storage sheds.

2. Eat better in general. No specific diet. Just watch what I eat more carefully.

3. Try not to leave any dirty dishes in the sink overnight.

4. Put my keys and glasses in the same place so I don't have to run around like a raving banshee two or three times a day trying to locate them.

5. I have a bookshelf filled with old craft magazines. It looks messy. I just want to go through the magazines and get rid of them (donate or recycle) so by the end of January the bookshelf looks attractive and not a mess.

That's it for now. Too many goals doesn't seem like a good idea - too overwhelming. I'm starting out slow and can always add if I complete one before the end of the month. Accomplishing the dishes and being able to find car keys and glasses alone will be a huge improvement in reducing the stress in my life.

11 Things that are Tolerable About Winter:

1. I do like wearing scarves and gloves (the brighter the color combinations the better).

2. Winter food like casseroles, hot chocolate and soup are good.

3. It is enjoyable to bake bread and other goodies.

4. Wearing a coat helps cover any pounds that may creep up from eating casseroles.

5. Fires in fireplaces are nice to snuggle up in front of.

6. I could live in flannel p.j.s all day.

7. It is lovely to sleep under lots of covers and still not be too warm.

8. Because the days are shorter there is more of an excuse to go to bed earlier with a good book, under warm covers in flannel p.j.s drinking a cup of hot chocolate.

9. Warm wool socks and sweaters are great to wear.

10. Nothing says warmth and coziness like a hand knit afghan. Knitting is always better in winter.

11. Snowmen are cute!

A New Bunch of Hope

A few weeks ago I received an email from a woman I didn't know. I curiously read it and was surprised at the strange kinship I felt with this unknown person. The subject was about the books this woman was reading and I scratched my head thinking that this was like an update sent to a group of book club members. The thing that made it even more interesting was that the books this woman wrote about were either ones I'd read or also had an interest in reading. Then there was another strange connection. This woman added that she had been contemplating about how we need to work at making our ordinary days into ones less ordinary. I had just written a post about the same subject titled "The Sameness of Days." I was intrigued and ended up enjoying the email so much I saved it but then didn't think much more of it.

Then I got another email the next week and put two and two together when this woman listed all the knitting projects being worked on by a large number of other women. Turns out, this kind angel in disguise is one of the two women I randomly met at the knit shop about a month ago - the one who invited me to join their group and who asked for my email address (I'd forgotten I'd given it to her).

The week of Thanksgiving I received another weekly email and again was struck by this woman's insight and thought, "I like this woman - we think in similar ways." She wrote that she was listening to the new audio book by Carolyn Myss, "Navigating Hope," which deals with finding strength under adversity. First of all, I thought this was a good book for me to check out, then I appreciated her taking the time to relate some of the author's beliefs, which were appropriate for the Thanksgiving week.

She related that Carolyn believes we all need to be more mindful of every interaction made during our day and to strive to be kind in that every action. Since this is a goal I strive for myself, I was very interested. Then she described Carolyn's belief that she is a realist vs. being either an optimist or a pessimist. And I just loved this description! Because I think so often in widowhood I have been perceived as a pessimist for admitting that my life is what it is. Now, there is a new way for me to look at myself and to view the world. I can strive for a good outcome without being overly phony and fake with my optimism, while being real about my life. I just loved this outlook! It gave me some relief and new perspective. I was so thankful for having received it that I wrote the "unknown" woman an email back thanking her after explaining that at first I hadn't known who she even was.

I really thanked her for her kindness in reaching out to someone she didn't even know. I got back an almost immediate response in which she disclosed a bit about herself. She said, at age 55 she had been feeling at a loss because of not being able to find work so she is taking the Library Assistant Training Course at the Community College and doing her best to keep her mind active and strong. Having trouble finding work myself and being interested in the LAT training besides is another commonality.

All in all, this exchange again makes me think about the seclusion and isolation I have felt in my widowhood over the years. We need friends and interactions and stimulation to keep us alive and kicking. We need to hear new thoughts and ideas, whether we agree with them or not to keep us on our toes and our minds clicking. Living with my husband provided so much of that daily stimulation. We would discuss our jobs, news items, people we knew, events in the world and so on. All that was lost in one fell swoop the day I became widowed. I do admit that over the years I have become somewhat self-centered and selfish. It is hard not to when living alone. But I hope to start changing all of that. Just this small interaction occurring within the context of these emails has broadened my world, opened my eyes and given me new insights.

I chose today's photo because of the bunch of berries it depicted. We all need group support and contact with others. Relationships of love, trust and friendship. I am going to do my best to not lose my resolve to attend this week's knitting group and to continue to broaden my group of outside contacts. I don't want to become a withered single berry on the vine.

Healing Graces

The vase in this photo is the centerpiece from the dining table at my brother's, whom we had Thanksgiving dinner with. I liked that my sister-in-law had gone out into the yard to find branches with some remaining leaves and then added a single sprig of evergreen to the mix. Simple and elegant. Tasteful and congruent. It represented a blending of the seasons - fall and holiday that I can handle. Not like the huge urns of mums out at the shopping malls right up against the garish red and green wreaths and mistletoe.

Anyway, the dinner went well and relations with my family have improved all around. As hard as it is for me to accept this, I must take some responsibility for fostering better and more consistent contact despite the current obstacles in my life. Will we ever be the Waltons or Brady Bunch? No, but things can always be better and we can hope for improvement as well and not give up.

The boys and I visited with Sam over the weekend arriving home Wednesday night. I needed to get away for myself and Sam and I had not seen each other since mid-August. It is exceedingly difficult to maintain this relationship but we have continued to hang in there. I felt as if a huge weight was off my shoulders the few days of our visit, even though Sam worked Mon-Wed. Just being with another adult (and male besides) helps me in that way. He was off Sunday and treated the boys to a pizza buffet while he and I went to Ruby Tuesday on our own. Whenever we come back I am struck by how fast our time went. I never turned on the computer once, or accomplished much of anything. Sam and I made dinner one night together and that was fun. We always say we'll talk more than we end up doing - he remains committed to my staying here the next year and a half so my youngest can finish high school. He feels it is only fair to both the boys. Right now that seems so far away to continue to be struggling here on my own.

I am trying to develop the mindset of focusing on doing what I want to do and then doing so. I wanted to see Sam, I went for myself. So many times over the past years I have deferred my own desires for that of others. A small step but one that I will continue to try and concentrate more on. I wanted to spend the time with my family despite the estrangements of the past years. More importantly, I want to relate to everyone in my life (including myself) in a more honest and forthright manner. To being about healing and understanding and not be pointing fingers - that doesn't get anyone anywhere.

Wine Tasting

I haven't been much of a drinker the past seven years. Not that I don't enjoy a mixed drink before dinner or a glass of wine with dinner. And there were fun times when I got a bit tipsy during a night on the town with the girls. It is just that when my husband died, I became worried about being the sole provider for the boys and concerned about possible DUIs so I limited my drinking when I was out to only one and always with food. Then of course, I wasn't socializing that much anyway.

I suppose I could have indulged at home but I always felt that I needed to have as many of my wits about me caring for the boys 24/7. The last couple of days, however, I've had a craving for a glass of wine in the evening. Maybe it is that the days are getting shorter and colder. Or that I want to feel a bit more relaxed and mellow even beyond what my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds are providing.

So I took the big step and picked up a bottle of my favorite red, Cabernet Sauvignon at ALDI for the big cost of $2.99 a bottle. NEVER in my life have I purchased such a cheap bottle of wine but I see a lot of people buying it and there is a cute winking owl on the label which is the name brand.

Got home all excited about trying my cheap bottle of wine with my cheap comfort food dinner. This is what I always make when I need a comfort food dinner: mix a can of cream of chicken soup, 1/3 cup sour cream, cooked frozen vegetables and chopped cooked turkey or chicken in a baking pan. Top with prepared Stove Top Dressing and bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. There is never any left when I make this and the cost = about $3.50 total, only about $1.25 per person!

But after all the big build up, I couldn't find my cork screw! So the taste test is delayed until tomorrow when I can run to the dollar store for a new one. I will provide a rating.

I suppose the other insight from this post has to do with how much widowhood changes us. Habits we used to engage in regularly vanish from our lives. Widowhood truly impacts and influences us in so many ways at so many levels. My wine drinking habits, just a minor example - sometimes it blows my mind how my widowhood has so deeply affected me. Finally, buying this inexpensive bottle of wine is something I did for myself - a small measure of self-nurturing and care.

Friends

I received an email a few weeks ago from a woman I didn't recall knowing but I enjoyed it because it was all about the books she was reading and a number of them were ones I was interested in as well! Then the next week another email came and this one contained information about a weekly knitting group made up of about 30-40 women who rotate in and out. The email gave a description of the projects each woman who had attended the group that week had been working on. It dawned on me then that the email was from one of the women I randomly met at the knitting store I frequent and struck up a conversation with a few weeks back. She invited me to join the knitting group and asked for my email.

I haven't gone to a meeting yet because of football season and now they won't be meeting until after Thanksgiving but I am definitely going to attend the first week in December. There are two older widows in the group but still a connection and other women who although don't share my widowhood do face mid-life changes. It is not going to be easy to just show up and present myself to a group of strangers but the thing about knitting is that you can listen to others while keeping your hands busy and looking occupied. It was very nice that someone who doesn't know me took the time to add me to her email list and contact me.

I've written before about how widowhood has isolated me and that I have lost friendships I used to have because of my circumstances. Here is an opportunity to get back in a group and from there who knows where it will lead? I always believe that first steps result in others.

All of this reflection on friends made me consider the fact that sometimes I haven't been a good friend. I have two close girlfriends, both divorced and one has left me a phone voice mail message and another on Facebook, neither of which I've responded to. Widowhood sometimes robs me of my time management abilities. An issue comes up and I forget about the message. I use my circumstances as an excuse at times to not put the effort in I need to.

Friendship is a two way street as are relationships. They require give and take and the attention of both parties. I rationalize that because my divorced friends have lives a bit easier, they should do more of the "work." I realize that this is not the best attitude to take here. Yes, I have a stressful and tough life right now but that doesn't give me the excuse to totally throw in the towel. I may not be able to do as much as my girlfriends but I can do what I can. So I sent my girlfriend an email telling her I was thinking of her and wishing her well with the new man she is seeing. She wrote back and seemed very pleased that I'd thought of her and suggested we get together soon to talk. That will be something to look forward to.

I hate to say that I look at socializing as another job in among the many that are already crowding my plate. But I have to look at it as a job that will result in more good than negative and worth the extra effort I put into it. I do get so irritated that widows seem to have more than their share of jobs and that even non-jobs like maintaining friendships somehow become more tedious than they were before non-widowhood. I wish it were all easier and not so complicated all of the time.

Moving Beyond the Path

We had a week of unusually warm weather and it was lovely. Today we were struck again with reality, it was a typical November day in the Chicago suburbs - chilly, damp, grey, rain, blustery. But I went out and took my walk anyway. I luckily dodged the rain. I have been walking now since late August, almost every day. Just a half-hour. I've mapped the route out in the small forest preserve/park I go to near where I live so I know how many times I need to go around for 30 minutes. This walk has become something I look forward to greatly and now that I've started taking photos, there is even a more positive result.

I don't think the walk is doing that much in terms of exercise but it does have an impact on my overall mood. I like that I make time for myself and that I have kept up a goal for some months now. I'm not sure what will happen when the snow and real cold arrive, since I'm not a fan of winter. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today as I walked I thought about how knitting gives me a sense of power and control by being able to create a piece of work on my terms. Walking gives me a sense of control too.

When I was newly widowed I met a woman whose husband had been shot by a disgruntled co-worker at his job. She had two boys about the ages of mine when her husband died. She was retired and had remarried, active in her church and with her grandchildren. She related that soon after her husband's death she would wake early and go walking around her home while her sons were still asleep. It was the only time she could do so. She said that the walks were what ended up saving her.

I am grateful for the walks I have been taking. The steps around the path seem to give me courage to go on ahead. I sense that these walks are the beginning to my taking more steps in other directions - to a new job, meeting new people, getting out more socially. Tonight that hits home because now that football is over, the boys are each out with their friends and here I am, alone. It is time for me to take the steps to move beyond the wooded path and see where it leads me.

Nature Walks

Find Beauty in the Mundane and Joy in the Ordinary!

Be surprised by the hidden colors waiting for your glance of wonder and delight!

I have started taking photos on my daily nature walks. Those daily half-hour walks are helping keep me sane! Thank goodness the weather will be mild next week.

Yeah for me! I've figured out how to use my camera phone but did need help from my youngest in getting these photos onto the blog. But some technical progress!

A Widow's Work is Never Done

My oldest son had a band concert last night. He rushed home from football practice, I made sure his uniform was clean, complete and in good repair, prepared a light meal for him and arranged to get him back to school an hour before the concert started. I told him that I wanted to drive together to save gas. He felt sorry for me having to wait the hour before the concert but I told him I'd use the time to knit, which would be a treat for me.

Turns out though, that in the mad rush to get my son taken care of, I couldn't locate the skein of yarn needed for my project and left with a book and picture search magazine instead. I was disappointed. My life always feels this way. Rushing to and fro and just never quite getting it all together.

Once at the school, I spent some of the free time going to my son's locker to see the spirit posters that have been put up by the pep club during the football season. I walked around the hallways a bit and observed some of the photos they have up of my son - a band picture, one of him at a pep rally surrounded by cheerleaders and when he was the first junior last year in 10 years to be crowned Mr. "High School."

What 's funny is as soon as I entered the auditorium and sat down, my eyes immediately fell on two women in front of me happily knitting away. I also noticed that they were seated next to hubbies, so they probably had time to locate their knitting projects before rushing out the door to attend the concert! But yes, I felt a tinge of envy as I watched their needles clicking away and longed for my own needles in my hands!

I enjoyed the concert very much and wasn't as upset about attending alone as I usually am. This is my son's senior year and I'm trying to focus on that and supporting him as best and fully as I can. I was so proud of him up on stage, so handsome in his tux and as the section leader. Although it has been a trying challenge for me to keep living here, the benefits my son has received from football, band and even being crowned the king of the school last year have been worth it.

Tonight was the football team's first playoff game. It was supposed to only be in the 30s and I did not want to sit alone in the bleachers so I drove over to the parking lot early to snag a spot facing the field so I could watch the game from the car. It got cold by 4th quarter even in the car but was much better than being outside.

I solved the knitting situation too. For a few weeks now my son has been reminding me that his girlfriend asked me to make her a fall scarf. Last Christmas I made her a number of scarves, mittens and a ski band. I almost laughed at my son when he told me his girlfriend wanted a scarf for fall. Me knit her a scarf? When, with what free time? Tonight sitting in the car during the game I got through over half of one for her so fit in my knitting fix. But it is so nice I want one for me too - she specifically requested one with a slit so she can tuck the ends in around her neck. I'm going to sign off now so I can try and finish it for her so she can get it tomorrow.

The team won the game so they move on in the playoffs and there is a pancake breakfast at the school we need to attend tomorrow morning. A busy week. I need to remind myself that it is just me holding down the fort and getting these kids to these events, as well as attending them. I am herewith making a request right now (putting my order in early) for the Heaven that consists of living in a combined knitting and book store attached to a tea cafe, so I'll never be without a book or project and cup of tea when I reach the hereafter - to kind of make up for the disheveled life I currently lead here on earth!

Same Old, Same Old

I need help. I'm admitting it. There is too much stress in my life that has accumulated and gone on for too long. I can't do this alone anymore. I definitely need medication. My blood pressure is dangerously high. I know it has been high for a number of years now but I've resisted medication thinking I can control it because I eat such a low-fat diet, don't drink, exercise, etc. At this point, the doctor told me it has nothing to do with a healthy weight or exercise. My blood pressure is too high and I need to take action.

I wonder how much of the stress the past years have brought play into this. High blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run on both sides of my family and it is how we end up dead. I still feel like a failure to some extent. That I'm unable to control this aspect of my health since I've tried for so long to keep it together emotionally. But as I started this post, I am finally at a point where I'm waving the white flag and crying out "Help me!" Since I don't have much of a support network in place, that ends up increasing the stress I try and manage on my own. It turns out to be an endless circle of frustration. The past few weeks many times during the day I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. When I have my blood pressure taken, I can feel and hear that racing.

I am going to become one of those people stopping at the blood pressure meter every time I go into the grocery store by the pharmacy counter!

Well, I have to take care of myself physically and if I need blood pressure medication so be it. I hope this is not a permanent thing. But the alternative is having a stroke which isn't an option here. I've helped the men and women stroke victims in the nursing home, some quite young. I can't do that to the boys. Or myself.

I came across another article on managing stress and decided to go through it and highlight the suggestions. They are always the same and we all know them. In fact, I'm sure I've posted about them a time or two previously. But they bear repeating.

1. Acknowledge the pain, stress, grief or loss. Feel the anger and sadness. It is okay to feel some self pity. But you can't let these feelings overpower you.

2. The painful feelings have to eventually give way to those of hope. To manage stress and crisis we need to be centered and calm and that won't be possible when in defeat and despair. So we need to harness abundance, gratitude, positivity and peace of mind as best we can. We can look to the future as holding opportunity, being an adventure and a new beginning instead of being fearful of what lies ahead.

3. We must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Eating well and exercising are essential.

4. Relying and connecting with others is also necessary.

5. Developing a strategy and plan for moving forward can help us focus on the learning opportunities available to us and allow us to grow.

6. It is a perfect time to become distracted with and explore a new project or goal. Sometimes it is far better to focus on an activity or learning something new than dwelling on our troubles.

7. Live one day at a time.

8. Maintaining a sense of order brings us a measure of control. Letting ourselves and our environments fall apart does not result in feeling calm or comfort us - more like tormenting and mocking us.

9. Come up with positives for the situation or in lieu of that, positives that can result in the future that may not have been considered before.

10. Maintaining the daily routine as much as possible is helpful. I know that my husband did this through all the years of his illness and I could not believe how he managed to do it. It was an amazing demonstration of strength and courage.

I look over this list and it is made up of the same old suggestions and ideas I've come across over and over. Does that mean they work or is it because no one else has come up with any better? I also know that this advice is common sense and easier said than done.

Yesterday, after my hopeful and inspiring post on optimism I ran into some snags during the day and felt let down and defeated. Some of that hope I'd harnessed before went by the wayside. I forced myself to take another nature walk and the best I could come up with as a coping mechanism was to keep my thoughts neutral rather than go off the deep end into the gloom and doom.

Sometimes, it seems as if this advice is so simplistic. We tend to look at life's problems as being singular - someone is coping with grief because of the death of a spouse; someone lost their job or home; another person is dealing with divorce or illness. I take a more complicated view of stress because I think where there is one problem, so lies another. And I think in addition to viewing problems singly, which makes them easier to solve, is that we don't put enough attention on the long-term effects of stress. We tend to view solving problems quickly and efficiently (usually within a year time frame). But I think the recession has shown us that problems and life complications can exist greater than a year and be harder to overcome.

So I find that there is a gap in acknowledging, understanding and coping with the long-term effects of stress. And what about set backs? Or having to manage the difficulty of climbing out of a very deep hole? All that one step forward, two step back progression.

Food for thought. In the meantime, we plow on as best we can. I look at the strategies I've set out and try to come up with some project that may help me focus less on all this loss and find more hope in the future. I try to exercise when I feel the walls of despair closing in on me. I do my best to change my mindset when I am aware of my negative thinking. More of the same old, same old with varying degrees of success depending on the day.