Oh oh

Was going to post my picture of today's knit/crochet project but can't get computer/blogger to cooperate. This causes a bit alarm. What will I do next year when I'm really all alone and the computer acts up? My youngest has already predicted that I will be calling him at his dorm asking him how to turn on the computer. Now he was just being sarcastic with that but things will come up and I have to be prepared to have a list of people to call/contact if I need help. Just another item to put on the widowed to do list, as if there isn't an overload of projects on it already.

I'll try reposting tomorrow. I've gotten used to having a photo with every post. I should add that my 12 days of Christmas ornaments project is working! It is allowing me to concentrate and focus on a task that is taking my mind off negative thoughts during this holiday season. I will start up a new craft project/goal at the new year with the same idea in mind. So that is good.

The First Day of Christmas

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

Knitting

Knitting is a part of me. It brings me great joy, an activity I love with all my heart. I've been a life-long knitter since high school. But there have been periods of greater intensity than others. I would say that my knitting really increased after the death of my husband. We used to co-coach our sons' travel baseball and soccer teams. The boys were on the same teams together and I can remember seeing my little family all together out on the field, Daddy coaching second base, me in the dugout keeping score, A. pitching and E. catching. It was the happiest time for me as a mother, all of us involved in a sport we loved.

After my husband died, I stopped being a part of the coaching team and my sons were put on separate teams. A. had been playing up to be with his brother since he was four years old, but parents complained that he was taking a spot away from another child the age of E. So I became the baseball mom intent on letting my boys continue to play travel ball because it would have been what their Dad wanted. Two boys on two different travel teams, only one mom. I was the only single parent with even one child participating in travel ball. It really is a sport where two parents come in handy.

Tournaments can last all day and be two hours from home. There I was sitting alone in stands watching one of the boys (I'd trade off going to their games equally). With time on my hands and feeling alone and vulnerable I turned to bringing my knitting along. I always had something to do and keep me occupied. And it took away some of the discomfort of being a new widow and on my own. I started to knit more gifts. In fact, the thank you notes I sent out after my husband died were hand tied with leaves I had knitted. They were just beautiful as I recall and matched the design of the cards picturing leaves.

Now I feel almost naked when I don't have my knitting with me and I always have some kind of quick and simple project to grab as I go off on my day. Joining the knit club has resulted in me knitting even more - I am inspired by the creativity around me and have created one new scarf or cowl a week since joining the club at the start of the year.

When I started dating and had to come up with an online dating site profile I asked the boys if it was too nerdy or old-fashioned to put down knitting as a hobby. My sons told me I had to do it because it really is who I am. And so I did. And the men I've become involved with received blankets, scarves, felted slippers, kitchen items, rugs, hats, and even felted baskets as gifts. I have knitted gifts for my sons' girlfriends, my girlfriends. sister and her daughter. I even knit darling little purses for my brother's little girls.

Now I am knitting a scarf of bright colored flowers in the yarns pictured in this post. It is an Easter gift for me so I can wear something new to church without having to spend the money on a new outfit. Tonight at knit club I made the smaller flowers, which were unbelievably simple to create.

Knitting is my treasure, my escape, my opportunity to be creative and giving as well. The health benefits are as good as actually meditating. I can knit with my eyes closed and knit amazingly fast (as noted by the other knit club members) and I have to say that gives me a sense of pride. Watching t.v. is never a total wash out since I am always knitting something. There is also the sense of control and wonder of being able to create something out of basically nothing.

Here is to my love of knitting and the pure joy it gives me even in times of despair. I always joke that I hope my Heaven is being able to live in a combined knit/book store. But for now I have to remember that I hold the power in my own two hands to create works of love, creativity and art. And besides that a skill that makes me feel good and talented. And lifts my mood. If I ever get around to writing a book it WILL NOT be about grief but a knitting book complete with my own patterns. Although as my son suspects, there might be a widow heroine, or maybe not. Knitting and grief shouldn't always be tied together as they often are in fiction. Knitting should be tied with hope and happiness.

Husbands and Scarves

I subscribe to a couple daily crafting email newsletters that offer free patterns and I enjoy receiving them and browsing the creative possibilities. The other day, the following message from the editor was this: "Nothing makes me feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a knit garment (Sorry, Husband)." I'd like to rewrite that comment to: "Nothing makes ME feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a husband (Sorry, Scarf!)."

Well, what can you say to that comment? I suppose it is meant as a cute little joke and the married women can all smile and nod together. I've knit myself a really nice soft multi-toned scarf in autumn colors, a great rib pattern and last week knit the one for my oldest son's girlfriend. As much as I dearly love knitting and the products that I end up from just a ball of yarn and two sticks (I still am amazed at this), there is no comparison to a warn blooded decent guy sleeping next to me in bed. That is what makes me feel comfortable, cozy and safe. Forget the scarves! Oh, well! To have both the husband and the scarf, now that would really be comfort, coziness and safety!

I solved my dilemma about not having a project with me when having to wait at events by taking the time to come up with a simple project to keep in my purse. Now I'll never have to feel envious of other moms knitting away because I've been too busy or rushed to grab my project before "running" out the door. This is a simple k1, p1 rib in a lovely shade of Kiwi wool that I'll add flowers to in bright colors of orange, pink and red. So a little bit of planning solved that issue. And since putting it in my purse, I've yet had an opportunity to work on it - but I know it is there and I'll keep it with me all winter if need be, since it can also be worn in early spring if it takes that long to complete!

There is a Lion Brand scarf pattern that I have seen that is super long and I'm kind of motivated to craft it as a sign to the Universe to send that great, decent guy over my way. The scarf is so long it can be shared between two people. How cute! There is another cute pattern I've seen of a sweater knit for two people to wear at once and I've always thought that if I remarry that would be fun to wear but I have my doubts that a guy would go for my sense of creativity and humor. I've had the nice wedding at the hotel and the big church extravaganza. Next time I'd love something fun and very different - Vegas wearing the sweater and scarf for two!