"Gleet" Expectations

Great day Sat. We all went downstate for my oldest son's first show choir competition. The group placed first in their division and my youngest and I shared some quality private time. The competition was held near my old university so my youngest and I visited the campus and I got the boys some t-shirts. The show choir had lunch at the famous college eatery known for their bread and subs. My youngest and I got lunch there too and even took some bread home, which is the tradition of alumni when visiting.

The show choir was gone from 5:00 a.m. and didn't get home until 3:00 a.m. because the charter bus got stuck in a snowbank. My youngest and I only stayed for the first performance. On the way home, we stopped at an antique mall which was a real treat for me since I haven't gone to one in so long.

My youngest shared a lot with me about how hard it has been for him to follow in his brother's footsteps. He told me that he wants to forge his own identity but at school everyone expects him to be like his brother, etc. The teachers constantly compare the two. I gained a much better understanding of my youngest son's feelings and perspective.

He had me in stitches with his commentary on the show choir performance. One of the things he admitted was that he doesn't think the group is all that good. But then he clarified that by stating that perhaps watching the Fox show "Glee" has ruined it for him (and maybe others) because he expects my son's group to sound like the Glee group. I laughed and told my son that the Glee kids are professional actors and older, which he knows anyway. But I found his observation very funny and told him I'd include it in my blog. I asked him what I could title this post and it was his suggestion with the creative play-on-words "Gleet" Expectations.

Driving around downstate Illinois with my little family together, visiting my old college campus, spending time with my youngest, watching a quality musical performance that resulted in 1st place, having a great lunch and then to top it off, visiting an antique mall! It was a good day and I felt happy! There seem to be more days now that are happier rather than sad, and I feel a page has turned in my life and the wheels are finally spinning forward!

Taking The Plunge

I decided to go to the knitting club last night because of my terrible morning. My son was starting work at 9:30 and I was to start at 10:30. He left for his job and then came running back home after the van died around the corner. He was hysterical, worried about being late and not wanting to lose his job. I took him to work and then had to deal with the aftermath - the van was almost in the middle of the side street with the flashers on. My son had failed to mention that the van was practically in the middle of the street - I was grateful I hadn't been ticketed or towed!

So now I had to deal with moving the van to the side of the street, getting dressed and to my job within an hour. I got my youngest son out of bed and the two of us were unable to move the van ourselves. It was icy and neither of us could steer the wheel and my poor son was unable to maneuver the van backward. A nice maintenance man from the apartment complex next to ours took pity on us and assisted. He ended up steering the van while my son and I pushed. Then I slipped and fell on the ice - a total wipe out according to my son, which he said he saw coming.

We got the van moved safely to the side and I made it to work not on time, but not late enough to cause a problem. Then I got to start my brooding and worry about what is wrong with the van. It has been giving us trouble with starting but the gas gauge is also broken (sometimes) and my son told me it had stayed at the same position (above the halfway mark) for the past four days and he hadn't filled it. So, I am hoping that we simply need to get one of those red containers you see the poor people walking with on the side of the road and put in $5.00 of gas and see if it starts.

But what got me really moody and sad was the reality that yet again, I am picking up the pieces when something goes wrong and trying to figure out the solution. It was at this point that I definitely decided to go to the evening's knitting club. In the past, I would have been so down and out with the morning's events that I would have canceled. But the way I was looking at it was that this was the day I really should go to the club - when things have gone wrong and I am in need of a pick-me-up. When we keep waiting for all our ducks to be in a row before we can be happy or do something, then I think we'll be waiting forever.

And so despite having a crummy morning and then worrying about fixing the van and then being upset that I have no more energy to keep functioning as an only parent I made the decision to just go to the knit club and not put it off another week, when hopefully next week would be "better."

I walked up to our building entrance and ran into the nice woman who hosted the Christmas party I attended. She invited me to go out with some of the residents to a nearby sports bar New Year's Eve. I talked with her a little about my hectic morning and she commiserated with me having raised two daughters on my own. We both concluded that the nice maintenance man was a blessing because my youngest son and I would not have been able to move the van on our own and I didn't have the time to get it towed and get to work. She just encouraged me to keep going because in the end that is what we have to do - keep at it for our children.

At the knitting club which meets at a bakery cafe in the next town over, I was introduced to the 20-some women there (I was the youngest besides a member's granddaughter). I worked on my door stoppers/draft dodgers and turned out to be the fastest knitter among the group. The cafe owner treated our group to a tray of cookies fresh from the oven (he bakes something every week). We talked a little and he told me that many of the group members including himself are Facebook friends and involved with each other's lives, watching out for one another.

I am glad I went to the knitting group and plan on going again next week. I am enjoying knitting my draft dodgers, which are my Christmas gifts to myself. The cookie hot and fresh from the oven was divine! It was nice to meet and interact with new people. It was empowering to finally go out and do something just for myself instead of having the activity revolve around the boys. It was also exhilarating to go to an event without knowing anyone and have it turn out well. It gives me some confidence to go to other activities in the future.

One of the things I learned this year is that we shouldn't put our happiness on hold until our lives become better or more stable. If we do this we'll always be waiting to be happy. I have a feeling that my seeking happiness even in the midst of hardship will end up resulting in more happiness instead of the other way of thinking - that to be happier I have to already be somewhat happy.

Standing Tall

I don't know if it is the medication that is calming my nerves, the walks or a combination of both but I have reached some sort of level of peace within my life and circumstances. Things are still extremely challenging emotionally and financially. I struggle every month simply to put decent food on the table and have enough gas to do the limited driving I do. This month, the month of feasting and thankfulness has been the absolute worst in terms of not having enough to make it. We had car insurance bills totaling $600.00 and there goes the gas and food budget. I won't belabor our financial woes. I try to keep those separate in my blog "Plunged Into Poverty," which I don't post as much on.

Anyway, I always say to the boys, "This is it guys - we've reached the end. I can't make it anymore and we'll be eating PB & J the last week of the month." They respond, "You tell us that every month and we always make it through and have yet to have a dinner of PB & J." Still it is so hard...

Yet despite it all I am committed to finding happiness or at least contentment even within these trying circumstances. I will stand as tall as I can and try to rise above all of this.

In the end, I believe what we should all strive for is to become the best we can both inside and out. And to sneak in a little happiness besides.

The Winking Owl wine is not that good but I have had a glass and feel the effects of mellowness. I haven't given up yet - a good belly laugh would be nice. Have to work on that. But I'm not afraid anymore to look for happiness and to even be happy. I'm not going to put it on hold anymore until my circumstances have improved. That's a huge shift for me.

I Want to be a Rock Hound

It was the fourth anniversary of my fated remarriage yesterday. Last year with moving and the year before with going through the divorce, I didn't focus or reflect much on the day. But this year there was extra space in my brain and much of the day was spent remembering the actual day, which was so lovely and full of hope. There was the anticipation of happiness which has been so lacking in my life these days.

I won't dwell on the whys or reasons of the marriage's demise. I deeply regret that my ex wasn't able to hang in there a bit longer. I think we had tremendous potential and it saddens me for the wasted and lost opportunities for love.

What I mainly contemplated during the day were all the activities my ex and I used to enjoy and engage in. We had a good time with shared interests and we liked spending time together.

We shared the Sunday paper on mornings spent at the ball field during the boys' baseball games, while sipping Starbucks. My ex introduced me to Starbucks - I'd never been there before meeting him because I am a tea drinker and thought they just served coffee. Boy was I in for a delightful surprise!

We enjoyed going to a Friday night fish fry in my locality - it became a tradition on our weekends. Since our breakup two years ago, I've never been back and the food was so good! I miss it.

I used to knit while my ex read the paper (he was a paper reading fanatic) and I found a vintage cross stitch sampler of a couple with the woman knitting while the husband read the paper. It was so cute and symbolized us as a couple.

We collected American antique art glass at my suggestion because I wanted us to have a new hobby we started together. We both got very into it and amassed a lovely collection by the time we divorced. He ended up with the entire collection and I wish he had been gracious enough to at least offer me one of the pieces as a memory. Since the divorce, Sam and I started our own little collection and I've gotten some of the smaller, less expensive pieces on my own. But it doesn't compare with the hours that my ex and I spent talking about our collection, sorting, organizing and cataloging it. It brought us a great deal of joy - just looking at it and remembering where and when we found certain pieces.

My ex and I shared the interest of rock collecting and had plans to hunt for fossils, diamonds and gem stones across the country. I had visions of displaying our finds in cases. We also loved to travel and had hoped to take short and long trips around and about.

And gardening! He was into vegetables and I was into flowers. I had ideas of revamping the back yard and turning the patio into a relaxing retreat.

We did some cooking together too. And both of us liked to get dressed up once in awhile for a fancy night on the town. I had hoped to entertain for his co-workers and have family over for big holiday celebrations.

When we read, he shared his news stories and he liked me telling him about the novels I was reading.

All such wonderful and fun shared interests and activities. Thinking of them throughout the other day I felt mostly happy because these are things that charge and excite me. I miss having them in my life. Basically my life is pretty much drudgery with not much enjoyment. When you have all that inspiration and creativity in your life shared with someone and then it just disappears it is hard to cope with that loss.

I want this stuff back in my life but lack the funds, time or partner to share them all with. I want to be a rock hound. I want to find a fellow rock hound to go rock hounding with me. Anyone out there? Chili chef and gardening fanatic are optional but would be nice too!

What I noticed most about my day of reminiscing was how little I write or even reflect of things that bring me happiness. Thinking of these activities brought me quite a bit of joy even thought I wasn't actually doing any of them. I sure need some more joy in my life.

When Pain Crowds Out Joy

Yesterday, I forced myself to take a half-hour walk in a local small forest preserve. It was a small measure to take some time for myself doing something I enjoy. I love nature, the weather was cool and lovely and I wanted an opportunity to slow down and just be. I willed myself to not burden my mind with worries and problems and to just observe the still green leaves. I focused on smelling that scent that comes with the first start of the leaves changing - that musky, smokey, sunny smell! I looked for birds and other small wildlife and observed a large number of turtles on the murky pond. I listened to the muffled sounds around me. I also took the walk to give myself some exercise and have tried the past weeks to take a half-hour walk on as many days as I can.

Right now I'd say I've hit the bottom. Things are pretty bleak socially, emotionally, and financially. I'm barely able to afford decent groceries for the month and now have a needed car repair costing $600.00. My close girlfriend is busy starting her new job as a teacher at the high school and we haven't been in touch lately. It is necessary for me to look for and obtain new employment and I'm worried about that.

Now here's the thing I want to reflect on today. In the past, I'd say that once my life is more stable, then I'll feel better and be happier. But that is the wrong mindset to have. Turns out, the way we should be thinking is the exact opposite: in the toughest of times, we should be concentrating on building up our happiness stores. Because we won't be able to face and overcome the challenges and difficulties without it.

I came across this concept in a short article printed in the magazine "Whole Living body + soul," which is from the publishers of Martha Stewart Living. This article is from the October, 2006 issue, titled "How to Be Happy," written by Thich Nhat Hanh.

"When Pain Crowds Out Joy - If you're experiencing a difficult time in life, you'll need to bolster your feelings of happiness before you can work on your challenges. It might seem as if the reverse were true. But by nourishing yourself with happiness first, you lay the groundwork to address your pain."

"Life is full of suffering. If we don't have enough happiness on reserve, we have no means to take care of our despair. With mindfulness, we can preserve a certain amount of inner joy so that we can better handle the challenges in our lives. We then create a foundation of freedom, peace, and love within ourselves."

Well, this concept pretty much blew me away. I have thought a lot about it. The article recommends meditation and living in the moment as techniques. I sure wish it had provided more suggestions for people who've really hit rock bottom and in great despair. I suppose the ability to simply focus on the here and now and be more mindful is about as basic a suggestion as you can get. Like focusing on our breathing.

I guess in the end what I am more aware of is the need to focus on happiness and joy even in the midst of this life crisis. Taking a nature walk for me is a great treat and doesn't cost a cent. More on this topic in the future.

Flowers

It was prom weekend for my oldest. A tough one for me because along with having to pay H & R Block, there were the expenses for tux rental, flowers, hair cut, gas, after prom party, etc. I was stressing a bit about that because the finances were really strained this month. But at the same time I wanted this to be special for my son so I couldn't freak out too much.

The girls for prom carry nosegays. I went to order the bouquet and selected the lowest price option for $40.00. When I went to pick the flowers up I started to cry they were so lovely and beautiful - shades of pink with the accent of white since my son's tux was white. There was a sweet pink butterfly ornament attached to the bouquet.

I teared up in part because the flowers really were so pretty. But also, that despite my having to go with the least expensive option, I'd received such gorgeous results. I told the florist how much I appreciated that. It was like getting an unexpected gift.

It is hard for me to go to this florist and I really think that I need to consider going elsewhere. This is because she did the flowers for my remarriage and they were incredible. Since then, I've gone there whenever the boys have a dance. But lately, I am noticing how sad I get when I go there because I see all the photos of weddings she has done on the wall and I am brought back to that happy and hopeful event in my life that ended up so tragically. It brings me down and it is not like it is the only flower shop in town.

Anyway, I was just reminded of how much flowers bring happiness and joy. I just read that in a survey done of 100 people, 100% responded with smiles when given a bunch of flowers. As I went about my day I stopped in the grocery store and noticed how beautiful the first batch of outdoor patio plants and hangers are! I smiled as I looked at the overflowing pots and wished for some flowers of my own. And for someone caring to send/give them to me. Yes I can get some for myself but there is a whole other meaning when received from a loved one.

Despite the small surge of beauty that I received from the flowers, my mood darkened during the prom photo shoot. It was held at a local country club instead of one of the kid's homes. This was good in a way because when I go into these lovely mini-mansions I am consumed by jealousy. But I ended up feeling jealous anyway because I'm the lone single person there and there were also many couples dining in the restaurant too. Always being surrounded by couples hits me in the gut. I struggled to try and keep my mood balanced but I could feel myself losing it and I was afraid of saying anything because it probably wasn't going to be anything good. I became annoyed at my son's girlfriend who was only posing for her father even though I was taking photos too. And then I felt some annoyance at the dad as it seemed he was taking hundreds of shots.

I ended up getting it together, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and driving home. On the way, my close girlfriend called me and invited me out to dinner. She'd just been at her daughter's photo session held in one of the mini mansions. She admitted feeling out of sorts and down - in need of two glasses of wine and company. It was wonderful to share how we feel so out of place and uncomfortable at these things. Although we consoled ourselves that we have a few months to recover before homecoming in the fall.

I told my friend about the nosegay flowers and she shared that her daughter had received a corsage from the date who could not afford the price of a nosegay. I was so heartened and cheered by this. Her daughter had been the only girl with a corsage but had handled it with grace. I had never even considered that option not wanting to embarrass my son or his date. But to know that someone else made do with their situation and the best of it. It was inspiring to hear that. And I looked back on the entire day that had started so nicely with the flowers, gone on to be a bit depressing but then ended on a positive and happy note, all because of some flowers!

Deserving of Joy

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more."
Margaret Collier Graham, 1906

Last week I had a very sad experience at the library. It is a treat for me to visit the library because when I lived in our home, we were out of the city limits and did not qualify for a library card unless we purchased one for about $200.00 a year. So, once we moved to the apartment, which is in the city, I obtained a FREE library card. I've gone a couple times now and have been amazed at the great DVD collection available. There isn't much down time in my life, so I've just gotten a nice selection of knitting and craft books to browse through so far.

During my last half hour library visit, I caught myself thinking about how happy being in a library makes me, along with bookstores. I love being surrounded by books. They comfort me. Maybe this goes back to my childhood when I often escaped the turmoil of my youth by reading. It probably makes sense that I have amassed a large library with 12 large overstuffed book cases surrounding my living room. I put a lot of furniture into storage when I moved but most of the books came with me. Maybe surrounding myself with books is my attempt at feeling safe and secure.

Anyway, I was happy and content in the library. Feeling a few moments of pure escapism pleasure. I felt good even just looking around at the other patrons. Then I noticed a lot of the library employees were women my age or older and my mind ran away with the fantasy that for my next career, I'll go back to the community college for a library assistant certificate. I was really having fun with that, imaging my boys in college and me happily working and content in a little suburban library.

And then it happened. This horrible voice came in and interrupted my fantasy. It growled, "You have no right to feel happy right now. Your life is a mess. You're struggling to pay your bills and feed your children. You need to feel as bad as your life is right now. And dreams of ever working in a library? Are you kidding? You don't even have a job. You need to keep your nose to the grindstone and keep pounding the pavement. You don't deserve such a frivolous job anyway!"

And just like that, my good mood and happy outlook disappeared and I was back to worrying about the bills, food and job. Then I was even upset with myself for having those few moments of contentment.

I think what happened here is that when you're down and out, it becomes very easy to see yourself in a negative way. You're already feeling desperate and lousy about your situation and society casts its disapproving eyes your way as well. You start believing that you're a rotten person for being in the position you have landed, and the next logical thought is that you're as bad as your situation. And bad people don't deserve happiness or bits of joy in their lives. Only the well-to-do housewives down the street deserve it because they aren't facing adversity.

Of course, this whole train of thought and its premise are nonsense. If anyone needs and deserves some happiness and diversion it would be those who are suffering or going through a hard time, like me. It is just interesting to see how easy it is to get swept down into the mire and to stay there because of thoughts like these. Those who are suffering have so many challenges to face including this one - the ability to see oneself as having value and worth, deserving of some happiness, leisure and fun even while wading through the muck of despair.

I am grateful:

1. For the smell and sounds of spring in the air.
2. For rain instead of snow.
3. That my flat tire on the second car only needed to be inflated, not changed, hopefully buying me a few more weeks until I am more able to afford new tires.
4. That I caught a break at the eye doctor when they sold me a box of contacts for my son even though he needed a new exam and their policy required the exam for me to get the contacts - because they don't accept any insurance and right now I can't afford the exam charge. This will hold us until I can find a new place to go that is more affordable for eye care.
5. For highlighter pens in bright colors way beyond that initial yellow.

Positivity vs. Grief - Can the two Co-exist?

It seems everything I read or hear these days is connected to the positive thinking movement. Interestingly enough, even books I've had for years mention it before The Law of Attraction band wagon took off.

Yesterday, I read that neuroscience is discovering actual proof that we can permanently change our brains through a positive mindset. Scientists are able to actually see and measure the emotional regions of our brains that process joy, happiness and love, as well as depression, mourning, anxiety, OCD, etc. Apparently, even pessimists like me can be taught to become more optimistic.

This is all pretty amazing with the main point being that our emotions and feeling do get transmitted out into the world and we do have some control over what we project. Because what we send out, comes back to us. I like the example of a bummed out, dejected person with shoulders slumped, downcast eyes and scowling smile. Obviously, anyone encountering that person will react accordingly and probably not very favorably. Likewise, someone with a genuine smile and upbeat demeanor will fare better. This person might receive better customer service at a store, have someone give them a break or bend the rules, and so on throughout the day. These experiences will build on themselves - the better they are and the more of them will increase the likelihood of upbeat person staying in a good mood. Dejected person will probably stay down and out because their experiences will be downers.

I am intrigued by all of this and I have made a valiant effort to try and remain as positive as I can through these trying times. Keeping a gratitude list is usually one of the first strategies suggested. Surrounding yourself with happy, fun, optimistic people is another. Trying to fit in as many activities that bring you joy into your life as possible is another suggestion. So I do try and do all these things in an effort to attract more positives back into my life. The jury is still out on how successful this has been.

What concerns me about the logic of this theory and the books that are out there promoting it, is that there doesn't seem to be any comprehension or acknowledgment toward those people who really may be suffering seriously from grief/loss, depression, addiction, life changes such as poverty, etc. These books and even the theory seem to fit best for those people who are leading pretty ordinary, manageable lives. One book made a brief passing comment on this by admitting that yes, no one can be upbeat and super positive 24/7 and that when times are tough they have to be acknowledged. The goal then becomes how to walk through and face the challenges, as well as to try and learn from them.

I think there needs to be a book written for those of us out here dealing with many life complications that realistically paint a complicated and negative picture. "The Law of the Attraction for Those Grieving, Suffering and Dealing with Major Loss" might be one for starters. I guess what bothers me the most is the wiping the slate clean type of attitude I get from these books and the theory itself - that we can't and shouldn't be negative EVER. That grieving and worrying are bad because they transmit toxic, negative energy that will return to us threefold! This is just at such odds with my beliefs about counseling that center on staying with your emotions whatever they are and working through them. There has to be a balance between positive and negative emotions. If we as human beings have the capacity to feel pain, grief and sorrow how can they just be wiped away? Do the proponents of The Law of Attraction believe that those of us deeply grieving have to just shut those emotions off? Or do they believe that we should not grieve as deep or much? Maybe it is impossible to follow this theory period while someone is immersed in deep sorrow or anxiety. I don't know - I really wish I could call Wayne Deyer up and ask him some of these perplexing and vexing questions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll try my best to continue to be grateful, remain positive and upbeat when I can and do my best to smile and keep my shoulders up when out and about in public.

I Am Grateful:

1. That the birds are back - I heard birds singing again for the first time yesterday!
2. That no severe winter-type weather is predicted from here on in - yeah!
3. That all of us have had decent clothes and outerwear to get through the winter months.
4. That no one got the flu this winter - thank you Universe!
5. For the cheery songs of the birds.

Grief and Houdini

I am over halfway through the book, "The Secret Life of Houdini - The Making of America's First Superhero" by William Kalush and Larry Sloman. Harry Houdini was extremely devoted to his mother and was deeply affected by her death. He apparently would often wake up in the middle of the night and call out loud, "Mama, are you here?" When he received no response he would sigh with disappointment and fall back to bed morosely. Even five years after her death, he still suffered great feelings of loss. In a letter to a friend he wrote, "I have worked hard and faithfully, and never knew what it was to shirk work, until one morning I awoke and found that my Mother had departed - and since then I 'loaf' in my work."

I find it very interesting and informative that Houdini also makes references to how he is affected by his mother's death around the date of her passing. He writes, "I have not recovered from my Mothers Loss, and July 8 was the last time I saw and [held] Her in my arms kissing Her a genuine Goodbye, and about the 17 of each month the feeling comes back to me, and I get melancoly [sic] moods." On the second anniversary of her death, he purposely stayed in the room "in which My Darling Mother went to Sleep for Evermore."

Houdini was friends with the "The Call of the Wild" author, Jack London and his wife, Charmian. When Jack died at only the age of 40, he immediately sent a telegram to Charmian. While she was in New York 11 months later, she attended one of Houdini's shows and met him afterward. He appeared somewhat shocked and upset that she was looking "so well and blooming" that soon after her husband's death. She responded defiantly with "I REFUSE to be beaten! I am going to put in whatever years life still hold for me as profitably in the pursuit of happiness as I possibly can. You have lost and suffered. An I not right in my attitude?"

Again, I found this reaction to be very interesting. Even in 1917 two very different reactions to death and grief are at play and at odds here. Houdini doesn't feel his friend's wife should be "over" her grief while Charmian has adopted a mindset of moving forward despite her pain and looking for happiness in the future. I was just blown away by this very small part of the book - probably most readers find it somewhat interesting and continue reading without much further thought but it really impacted me in many ways. I am most struck by:

1. Houdini's love and devotion for his mother and his acknowledgment that the grief lingered long after her death.

2. For the courage of Jack London's wife to forge ahead meeting life head on and with the specific intent of pursuing happiness (and not feeling guilty with herself for this attitude).

Interesting that Houdini was upset with Charmian for not grieving enough as he saw fit. After mulling all of this over I have settled in on my conclusion. I think that we all need to grieve in our own ways and for the time we need. I have come to believe that the grief over my losses will forever be incorporated into my life and they've become who I am. But at the same time, I also want to move ahead and experience much more happiness. Debbie Ford puts it so perfectly in her book "Spititual Divorce" by asking, "In this new situation, how can I be happy and have a great life?" Like Houdini I want to honor my losses. But like Charmian and Debbie Ford I am ready to ask this question and to seek the answers.

I pay tribute to Harry Houdini on this Halloween for the mastery of his magic, his talent, devotion to family, work ethic, creativity, courage, honesty and patriotism - all true measures of a great man and true American legend.

Live Love and Other "Secrets" of Happiness

This widowhood road has been an extremely bumpy one for me and I continue to struggle to keep from driving into the ditch. I search for strength and motivation everywhere. Blogging has been a lifesaver for me - because of the feedback and support received as well as the cyber friendships started but also for the opportunity to vent, process and articulate my feelings.

I just ame across a book review I saved from the Chicago Tribune Section 13 "Q" from January 27, 2008. It is written by Anne E. Stein about the book "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo, PhD. The author interviewed 235 "wise elders" and incorporated their advice into the book.

"Secret 1: Be true to yourself. You must constantly evaluate yourself and make adjustments to move closer to the life you desire to live.

Secret 2: Leave no regrets. "To leave with no regrets we must live with courage, moving toward what we want rather than away from what we fear."

Secret 3: Become love. The happiest lives are lived by those who focused on building deep personal relationships.

Secret 4: Live the moment. To savor life, we must experience each moment with gratitude and purpose.

Secret 5: Give more than you take. The happiest people knew that they had left things better than they found them in some small way."

I know for those of us out there struggling with real issues, intricate problems and major life changes, it is hard to focus on much more than getting through each day with some semblance of sanity. But reading over this list really struck a chord with me. I think those of us facing grief/loss are a step ahead of the "untouched" in understanding many of the points set out above.

1. Even as we battle to endure the dark days facing us, we can do so by remaining true to ourselves and doing things our way, as well as doing what is important to us, no matter what others think. I know that experiencing great loss has changed the way I see and live my life. I have reevaluated what is most important to me and try to live those values more fully.

2. No matter what we are dealing with, we must do so with courage moving forward to embrace life instead of trying to hide from what we fear.

3. "Become Love" or as I would say, Live Love. That says it all. I feel so strongly about the role of love in all our lives that I describe my views in the sidebar of this blog. I only got this after the death of my husband. And I'm sure I'm not the only one getting this after the death of a loved one.

4. It is so hard to live the moment and be grateful for all in our lives, even during those dark times. But I make an effort with my gratitude list. Accepting what is and facing it is what living in the moment means to me - it does not mean that I have to like it or be happy about my circumstances. But I do have to see my life for what it is - no fairy tale fantasies.

5. I believe that all of us grieving bloggers do hope to reach others and help in some small way. So even in the depths of our despair we are trying to better the world.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the pumpkins one of the local churches is selling to benefit the homeless.
2. For the Halloween artwork painted on the shop windows of a local town.
3. For Hamburger Helper. I truly hope whomever invented this concept gets a bigger throne in heaven because they have really left the world a better place for all those harried people needing to make quick and easy dinners when they can't think of anything else since the mid-1970s. That is a lot of saved dinners over the years.
4. For a roof over our heads (from son #1).
5. For not having crummy weather today (again from son #1).

Life's Path

I have recently received some comments from womanNshadows, Sari, Bec and Judy S. that were just what I needed to hear. These past weeks I have been in such a struggle to try and be happy despite all the grief surrounding me and I also have been struggling with the concept of trying to see the good in my husband's death.

These women gave me some insight that I was unable to see myself - that it is okay to be grieving during this time and not be happy; that some losses can't be gotten through so you live on despite the loss and make the best of your future; that the death of a good husband is crappy and there may not be any good to be found in the loss; and the biggest key is to cultivate joy and happiness in one's life even having faced significant loss. That happiness can be found again in spite of the previous pain and suffering.

My mind has become much less burdened by the wisdom of these kind souls who took the time to convey their thoughts and beliefs to me. I feel so much more free to be able to acknowledge that I don't need to"get over" my husband's death - yes, I'll need to adapt and cope but it is not an event that I'll ever totally "get through." I love the concept of experiencing future happiness - that perhaps the greatest testament to my strength and healing will be to go on and experience joy despite the hardships.

Today at work I adapted some of these ideas to my feelings of dissatisfaction with my current job. I thought to myself that this is a job I took as a temporary bridge to being in some income while I sell my house and get my feet back on the ground. No where is it written in stone that this will be the last job I'll ever have. As my life stabilizes, I'll be in a better position to pursue jobs in my field of social services. For now, it is what it is - and that is okay (thanks to womanNshadows for this perspective). Again, I felt such relief and a weight off my shoulders.

The hardships will eventually lessen - someday soon I'll be back in my field doing the work I love. It'll all be okay - right now this is where I'm at on the path - and the fact that my feet are even hitting the road is a good place to be.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful park in our center of town
2. For the misty half-moon I can see from the window
3. For Poptarts (sometimes I really just have a craving for them!)
4. For this year's set of Fall magazines coming out soon
5. For geometric coloring books, find-it puzzles and word searches (so adults can have fun too)

Happiness on Hold

All of the empowerment books I have been reading have stressed the need to find the good in any situation, including my latest read, "Embracing Uncertainty - Breakthrough Methods For Achieving Peace of Mind When Facing the Unknown" by Susan Jeffers, PhD. Try as I might, I am unable to come up with any positives from the death of my first husband. In these books it is interesting to note that the examples given do not include death. For instance, the author might talk about finding the good in losing your job or losing money in the stock market. Where is the good in leaving two boys fatherless at ages 9 and 10? Or leaving your wife in financial duress so that the house is in foreclosure? You might be able to stretch the situation a bit and say that certain blessings came about after the death but I will remain steadfast in my belief that not all situations contain good within them.

I have also struggled with the concept of happiness, especially since husband #2 left me. Is it possible for people to be happy in the face of intense pain, grief and adversity? I believe there can be moments of happiness but that there might be periods in our life where we're just not going to be happy.

In facing the loss of our home I am swept back to the numbness I felt in the early days following my husband's death. I am functioning on autopilot - if I think too much, I'll hurt too much. For now, it is all I can do to get by. How in the world can someone in this state be charged with finding the good in their terrible situation, as well as trying to be happy? I don't even want to be happy right now. I want to grieve and mourn this new loss that stems from the death of my husband. It is a time for tears and not laughter.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the opportunity to see my boys play baseball.
2. That I had Friday night off (somewhat of a rarity).
3. That the rain held until after the game.
4. That I got a fair amount of knitting done while watching the game.
5. That I can sleep in a little tomorrow.

Hope within Despair

I have taken to wearing an engagement type ring again. It was given to me as a Valentine's Day gift from my second husband. I had coveted it for over a year at a local jewelery store. My husband had insisted on giving me a custom designed engagement ring with a very large diamond, when we married, not my real, more simplistic style at all. But I went along with the first ring to please my husband. But as time went on I was just too worried about damaging or having it stolen that I didn't like wearing it on an everyday basis. Hence, the second ring.

It had a round diamond (instead of the oval shape of my first ring) with two emeralds on each side. I really just fell in love with the overall simplistic look and that it was unique with the emeralds (and green is my favorite color). But the ring cost almost as much as my first and therefore, not affordable. After seeing it and coveting it for over a year, I asked if we could have the diamond taken out and replaced with a cubic zirconia. This suddenly made the ring affordable and I loved that it would be my little secret - having a ring that looked so genuine but wasn't. The emeralds were of fantastic quality and color and that made the ring expensive even without the real diamond.

When I received the ring as a gift I loved it and wore it daily. I no longer felt so worried about damaging, losing or having my original engagement ring stolen. It gave me a lot of joy because it was exactly what I wanted. During my divorce I was forced to sell the big diamond as part of the divorce settlement and then my husband asked for all my jewelry back (what he had given to me as gifts). Somehow my emeral, cz ring had been forgotten by him and was never mentioned. So in a way it became another little secret of mine. Although I did want to have some kind of token from my marriage as a memory of the love we had once shared!

A few months ago I thought it silly not to wear - it gave me so much pleasure why not wear it? People can do whatever they want these days and many older widows continue to wear their rings (it didn't matter to me that this was a ring from my remarriage). Every time I put the ring on and wore it made me a little happy. It also served as hope for me that someday I will remarry but in the meantime I can wear and enjoy a lovely ring without being married. I got tons of compliments on it while at work which was fun too.

But then disaster struck! Yesterday at work my hand struck up against something and as I was cashiering I looked at my ring and saw one of the emeralds missing. I was heartbroken. Not that an emerald was gone (each was supposed to be worth $1,000) but that something so pretty and enjoyable to me was ruined. I just couldn't stand the thought of having something else valuable to me taken away - something that had provided such pleasure to me in these trying times. As I looked around on the floor, I became aware of how futile it would be to find the emerald. I tried to take stock and feel brave but I continued to look - what harm would come out of it? I couldn't just give up so easily. I tried to retrace my steps and to think of how I could have bumped the ring. It made sense that it would have happened while bagging a purchase so I decided to look in the bin that holds the plastic shopping bags and there was a glimmer of green resting on top of the pile of white bags! I felt vindicated! Disaster averted! A tiny bit of hope!

Today I received my weekly email message from life coach Cheryl Richardson, which was by coincidence on the topic of feeling hope even while in dire situations. I thought about my ring and everything it represents. That it was a symbol of a marriage that ended tragically; about how much I loved it and still wanted to wear it despite the pain of my divorce. And then how one of the emeralds had fallen out and all that could have symbolized - the absolute end of my marriage. That would have been the more fitting ending - to have not found the emerald. But that is not what happened. I did find it! So therein lies a little hope within a dire situation.

Today I am grateful:

1. To have found the emerald.
2. To have gotten my Cheryl Richardson weekly message about hope.
3. To feel hope even within the pain and sadness I am now experiencing.
4. That happy endings can exist even within sad endings.
5. For all the pleasure this little ring has given me (and it is a plus to whomever might marry me in the future because my frugal nature will enable me to wear it as my next wedding ring!).
6. For having the strength to wear the ring because it gave me such joy - and right now small pleasures mean a lot.

Happiness?

I finally got a chance to read a book I've been meaning to for years - actress Carrie Fisher's "Post Cards From the Edge." It was funny and entertaining. Toward the end, I came across a section that made me really ponder. Two of the book's characters are talking about happiness and one defines it as an absence of anxiety or pain. This really struck me because currently in my life I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, as well as pain. Not to mention all of the grief and loss over the past five years since my husband died. So I got to wondering, is it possible to be happy when one is dealing with significant anxiety, pain as well as grief/loss? What happens to those of us who go through years of hardship? Can we be happy during times of strife and difficulty? Is it only possible to be happy when life is going your way?

Maybe those of us grieving only have snatches of happiness. A day after my husband died, I was caught laughing by my younger son who couldn't believe I was doing so. I assured him it was okay to laugh at something funny because it was. But was I really happy a day after my husband died? No, of course not. I just laughed at a funny event - a moment that lasted a minute or two.

Everyone out there has lives filled with stress, anxiety and pain. But grieving folks have all the regular stuff and the grief/loss issues as well - a double-whammy. I know for me that it doesn't seem possible to really feel happy right now. It looks as though we are going to lose the house and with that in my future for the upcoming months there won't be a period without anxiety or pain. So do I resign myself to being unhappy for the near future?

Today I am grateful:

1. For the quaint, charming historic town I live in.
2. For the excellent schools in our community.
3. For all the cute kids I see out and about in their little league uniforms.
4. For capri or cropped pants - how cool is it to have something in between shorts and pants to wear in the Spring.
5. For putting in a honest day's work and then some that deserves a good night of sleep.