Widow in Transition

I saw these holiday snowflakes hung up at Home Depot and want to learn how to make them. So cute! That will be my fun resolution for January 2012.

Survived the holidays 2011. A better Christmas for us than seasons past. The boys had gifts from me but in the future I'd like to be able to get them more. Our little homemade tree ended up bringing me a whole lot of happiness throughout the month. Although I wished I could have purchased some decorating items, when all is said and done, my homemade decorations stole the show.

We spent Christmas at my girlfriend's as we have since my husband's death and her divorce. She has broadened her guest list to include other divorced women. I cooked some side dishes and cherry quick bread. And enjoyed the opportunity to have more than one alcoholic drink since my sons can drive. Back to work on Monday and this made me reflect on how widowhood is a lot like the day after the holidays. I felt a bit tired and wanted to have some time to relax and reflect. Many people were off on Monday. But I was scheduled to work. Going into work Monday morning felt like widowhood - not being able to have a break and some time off - being forced to be back at it again and again. Anyway, that is sometimes how widowhood feels to me. This relentless going on and on without a chance to get off the merry-go-round and regain my balance.

I heard someone else recently describe widowhood as having the rug pulled out from under you with the rug representing how your life was. You're left standing or down on the ground without the foundation that used to be supporting you having to either get up or regain your footing and then continue waking/living.

My sons are more kind than I. They believe that most people who haven't experienced widowhood simply can't comprehend what it is like to have the rug pulled out from under you. They forgive the people who say stupid or unfeeling things. I, on the other hand, am less forgiving. But I have come to believe that unless you have lived this life, it isn't possible to fully explain to others what widowhood is really like.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to try and explain to the world what widowhood and only parenthood is like. But in my time of blogging, I'm not sure that it has been too successful a goal. I also have started to worry that my focusing on widowhood brings me more sorrow and pain than I'd be feeling if I weren't blogging on this topic. Face it, I'm a widow and my life will have issues in it related to that status. Dwelling endlessly on what I can't change brings me more misery than I want to be feeling right now. So I am looking forward to the new year where I will place less emphasis on me as widowed and more on being a widow in transition - moving on in my life, despite widowhood to devote more time and attention to myself and my own needs.

This has all been coming down since last spring and my oldest son's graduation from college. Did I already brag that he has a 3.7 GPA his first college semester? And in May my youngest will be graduating and gearing up to start his college career. Right now, I need to be focusing on moving and creating my new life because next August I will be a widow empty-nester. Talk about emotions flying around the upcoming months! But I am also very excited because moving will allow me to live in a more affordable community and to go back to school to update my defunct Master's degree. Hopefully, a year of study will be all that I need to launch myself back into the professional sphere of social services and that will be huge in my life - to feel useful and productive in the work force again.

So as I contemplate all of this I am debating the start of a totally new blog, though I will not delete this one. It would begin Jan. 1st. It is hard for me to say goodbye to things because one gets used to them, but I am now seeing the benefits of beginning new projects, of moving to new locations, or starting over with a clean slate and all that. But whether I post under a new blog or keep this one because it is simpler, in 2012 I resolve to be more positive and to identify less as a widow and more as a woman finally able to move into a new, exciting and hopeful future.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

My little tree is really turning out nicely. I waited until my oldest came home from college to decorate it as a family affair but he was totally uninterested and was even putting up ornaments upside down, ha ha. He did do very well with his grades though - his lowest grade was a Bt, with the rest As and an A-. My number nine ornament is a snow icicle - so quick and simple to crochet it is almost a crime. Anyway, went to Pier 1 with my youngest tonight to help him pick out a few stocking stuffers for his girlfriend. I looked with longing at some of the ornaments which were reasonably priced at $2.99. But I have to say there is something pretty cool at having a tree decorated completely with ornaments you've crafted yourself. The Pier 1 ornaments were sure darn cute but so are mine. And I think that even my sons feel some pride with our homespun tree.

Now that the tree is up and decorated for the most part I am glad I embarked on my knitted/crochet ornament project. It did help to keep me occupied and focused during this somewhat trying time of year and for that I am thankful. Having the tree up and looking so charming is instilling a bit of the holiday spirit and for it being the longest and darkest day of the year, that is something. And better late than never with just 4 days til the big day.

The Eighth Day of Christmas

Little mittens for the tree in lime and bright blue, favorite colors of mine.

Peace, Joy and Hope

My girlfriend sent me a text mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to go to an evening Christmas service tonight. I wasn't feeling up to it - just kind of depressed and feeling holiday bluesy. But I know that when I do get out and about that I end up feeling better so I agree to go. I am so glad I did. The music and service were powerful and wondrous.

The pastor spoke about the fragility of life. Widows know all about that. So on one hand, we're heads up on cherishing life and our loved ones. On the other hand, we also get the hard reality of how our lives can be altered in an instant. And at least in my case, that has left me at times, scared and paranoid. I guess you could call our first hand knowledge of death a blessing and a curse.

But I was glad the pastor spoke of this. There seems to be so much frantic rushing around right now. People out in their cars talking on cell phones, speeding to get to a store and reviewing their shopping lists are not paying attention to what this season is really about.

I was really struck by the pastor's mention of love - how God is so loving... And he added that that's pretty much the message here - being loved (by God), and then spreading joy and love to others. I felt somewhat ashamed comparing myself to God tonight. And how as a human, I fall way short at times of being more loving. Widowhood has resulted in some bitterness in my spirit. And I think the day-to-day grind and financial struggles sometimes overpower my desire to be a better person.

But I felt revitalized and hopeful by the words I heard tonight. The pastor spoke about how at this time of year we start reviewing the old year and planning for the one ahead. I was inspired to focus on the promise of what lies ahead and to be more mindful of this season's message which is love. And this can be translated to whatever religion or beliefs one has - that at our core, love is the force that drives us. And as I have come to believe since my husband's death - the reason we are all here in the first place.

Love + Kindness + Acceptance +Tolerance + Understanding + Compassion + Forgiveness = Peace, Joy and Hope!

The Seventh Day of Christmas

Partridges for my tree.

There is a story about these little birds. I wanted to whip up my ornament project quickly and preferred flat patterns to those that needed to be sewn and stuffed. And I really wanted birds on my tree. But couldn't find any patterns in my large stash of patterns and books. Nor any online.

Eventually I ended up going to Half-Price Books not really expecting to find anything. But there was a very artistic crochet book with patterns for children. And this one was an applique for the pockets on a girl's dress. So I got the book for $6.00 and adapted the pattern.

Which just goes to show that not everything can be found on the internet. Although I did find some patterns that could have worked out but they were for sale and I was hoping to find free patterns. But the book is very cute and I'm sure I will use it or be inspired by it in the future.

What is taking up most of my time with these ornaments is the making up and detail work at the end. The actual knitting or crocheting is very quick for me. That is the part I really love. Not all the finishing. I'm a little behind schedule with making 12 of 12 patterns. I waited til my son returned from college to put up our tree. We'll do that tomorrow and put on the ornaments I do have done - there are over 100. Then during the week I'll finish the last 24 ornaments and we can put them up then.

Holiday Humdrums

Let me start off first by saying that my oldest has done very well his first semester in college - receiving all As and Bs, which for him, as an average student in high school, is a great achievement. He needs a ride home for winter break and I arranged to take a day off from work to get him. This is because if I worked I wouldn't be able to leave to start the 4-hour drive there until about 3:30. It gets dark now around 4 p.m. and the prospect of so many hours on the road by myself in the dark among cornfields wasn't cutting it. Here is one of those times I wish my husband was around as my helpmate as he loved long-distance driving. And we'd probably make the trip together which would help with the tedium.

This trip we will also be driving home one of the guys on my son's dorm floor because both of his parents work and the kids have to be checked out by 6 p.m. Here is where my Scrooge-like feelings start coming out. I, the widowed, "poor" mom is taking work off and will be driving home a kid from a two-parent home, both with jobs. Why is this family not making arrangements to pick the kid up on Saturday morning or leaving after work, like I've done a number of times, and driving in the dark, like I did?

My son's roommate, who lives 30-minutes away had gotten rides home all semester. He has two parents at home. I would like my son to be the recipient of the generosity of another family for a change.

Then there is a woman I know who for the past 7 years has attended Christmas with my girlfriend and I. She is friends with my girlfriend and I have to sit through a huge ceremony of them opening up their gifts to each other. This woman is older and retired - she is extremely generous to my girlfriend giving her items that total a couple hundred dollars. All these years, I have given this woman a little token gift - homemade breads, goodies and knitted items. She always takes these items eagerly, especially the food. But last year, she re-gifted one of my knitted items back to my girlfriend! My girlfriend and I got a huge laugh about it over wine when we were on our own, but I have to admit that my feelings were slightly hurt. I am feeling so Scrooge-like this year that I don't want to give any cookies or goodies to this woman.

Now, if it were me as this older lady, I would be a little more kind and considerate. After 7 years of get-togethers, I would anticipate her being there and bring a little token gift. This year, I am going to excuse myself from the grand gift exchange between my friend and this lady. I really am not up to oohing and aahing. I've been a good sport about it for years so I'll join the kids in another room and spare myself more feelings of resentment or bitterness.

I'm tired of giving and giving and not getting anything back. They say it is better to give than to receive but like all the other platitudes I've heard in the past years, I find this is not entirely true. Sure, it is wonderful to give, but it is also fun to receive. And it sure isn't fun when you're not receiving anything.

I think I've hit my own personal wall in regard to widowhood. I, personally, cannot take it anymore. I need/want to be part of a team again sharing the driving and exchanging gifts rather than only giving them out. Eight years of this and I am tapped out.

"They" are also fond of saying that only we ourselves control our destiny and our happiness. Yes, there is truth to that. But there is also truth that in marriage both members of the couple do focus on their partner at times. I know when I was married that I made efforts to please my husband and to bring him pleasure. He did the same for me and it was lovely to experience the give and take a relationship brings. There isn't too much give or take in my life as a widow and I'm sick of it. I'm through with widowhood and ready to hang this life up. That is my focus for next year - to leave this widowhood life behind - to start sharing it with a partner and leave this lifestyle in the dust, where it can join Scrooge.

The Sixth Day of Christmas

Feeling a bit down today, in contrast to this smiling snowman fella. It gets dark so early and most days are overcast. I dread the cold and upcoming snow, although am grateful none has really fallen yet and that it will be a warm week with rain even. This is a tough time of year for some of us. It takes tremendous emotional energy to get through certain time periods like the holidays. It is hard to describe to the non-widowed. Moving alone through the holidays can bring on a whole new set of feelings of loss and vulnerability.

I think for me, the key will be going back to school and becoming involved in establishing myself in a new career. Part of my angst I find comes from feeling so out of it in regard to career and not having anything to ground me and keep me focused. I so wish I was already back to school. Gosh, another holiday season to get through again. How I long for the day when it isn't like this. When I'm feeling productive and eager to start the day instead of down and out, willing the days to be over.

For now, it is just marking the long, dark, cold days...

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I made 12 of these bells last night and it was fun but got a bit tiring. Next year I think I should plan a project like this earlier, e.g., making one ornament a week, not trying to make a bunch in December. But I'm afraid I know how that goes. Good plans and intentions don't seem to be high priority when they are 12 months away.

Oh oh

Was going to post my picture of today's knit/crochet project but can't get computer/blogger to cooperate. This causes a bit alarm. What will I do next year when I'm really all alone and the computer acts up? My youngest has already predicted that I will be calling him at his dorm asking him how to turn on the computer. Now he was just being sarcastic with that but things will come up and I have to be prepared to have a list of people to call/contact if I need help. Just another item to put on the widowed to do list, as if there isn't an overload of projects on it already.

I'll try reposting tomorrow. I've gotten used to having a photo with every post. I should add that my 12 days of Christmas ornaments project is working! It is allowing me to concentrate and focus on a task that is taking my mind off negative thoughts during this holiday season. I will start up a new craft project/goal at the new year with the same idea in mind. So that is good.

The Fourth Day of Christmas

Ho, ho, ho.

The Third Day of Christmas

A knitted stocking to hang by the chimney with care...

The Second Day of Christmas

A knitted heart to represent love.

The First Day of Christmas

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

Black Thursday

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

Happy Valentine's Day!

For anyone eager to move past the holidays, they won't need to wait long because Valentine's Day candy is already up at my grocery store. I remember earlier in the season being upset when Christmas lights were put up at Halloween but now that the holidays are over, I feel a bit sad.

Since my husband's death, the holidays have never the same. I was thinking this year about how we no longer ride around the pretty neighborhoods looking at the twinkling lights. I am always so rushed, even the years when we didn't really celebrate much. Now the holidays are over and I feel that I really didn't even have an opportunity to savor them. By the time the dust settles and I am in a place to enjoy the season, it is already over. I suppose this is ditto for whatever season we are in - the elegance of autumn, fun of Halloween, the radiant spring sunshine and flowers. By the time I even realize and appreciate the season I am in, it has already passed and we are whizzing ahead to the next event on the calendar.

I was always busy as a young married mom, but never felt the regret of the passing seasons as I have as a widow. Somehow there was more time because I had more help and a partner by my side to share the season with. It makes a huge difference. I hope this year is different in some way. I'm not sure how I can make my life less busy and full. But I hope in some way to try and greet each special holiday with an intensity I haven't been able to in previous years. Maybe I need to spend a little time each week planning for Christmas and Halloween starting now? I know that in Victorian times the women made all their gifts and the preparations began in the summer. This year I do not want to see the holidays flit by without being able to say that I felt them in my heart!

Not Missing Anything

Heard today that holiday shopping sales were up 5.5%, the best sales figures since 2007, the year we started experiencing hardship and I stopped shopping. I have to say that since that time, I have missed buying Christmas gifts, decorations, household items and clothing. We've pretty much used what we have already owned and haven't replaced items unless absolutely necessary.

I've just stayed out of the malls and stores as much as possible with the exception of the used book store and going to the craft store every once in awhile. There are times that I have to go to the mall or a major department store for one of the boys, but not very often. I guess over the past years I have felt deprived and as though I have been missing out on things. It has been hard. There is a sense of pride that I've made it three years without buying myself any clothing (except one top on sale for $11.00). I find when I go to the stores and see items that I start to want them. If I don't see things, I don't miss them or care.

I'm not sure why holiday sales were up this year because I think we are still a nation suffering economically. This year was better for us not so much that I had more money, but that I was able to be better able to navigate the "system" (finding out about the Christmas Store in our community that allowed me to buy new gifts for my sons at greatly reduced cost) and getting the online gift card and gifts from the kind woman at the food pantry. My sons also received gifts from a friend of their late father so actually had a total of $70.00 cash!

My youngest wanted to get his girlfriend another small gift to go with the key necklace he had already purchased. We had discussed the idea of a perfume set. So on Sunday he asked me to take him out to some stores and we hit Walgreen's first where the perfume aisle was stripped bare. The Christmas aisle was also getting empty and was full of people tossing through items - the whole scene reminded me of a mob mentality - not that bad but still crazy and chaotic. We went to WalMart next with again entire shelves lying empty. Onward to Bath and Body Works which was insanely crowded. My son and I were getting claustrophobic from the pushing and brushing up against us as others passed by. My poor son asked me to choose the fragrance and dutifully smelled the sample cards in front of his nose. But after about 15 minutes he said they all had started to smell the same and he didn't care what we got as long as we chose something and got the heck out of there!

We ended up with a cute pair of fuzzy and soft socks on sale for $3.00 and then got three fragrances for $10.00 in the Cherry Blossom scent, Midnight Pomegranate and Vanilla Berry - total amount, $13.00. Then we stood 29th in line to pay for this small purchase. Yes, we were the 29th customers in line. How nutty is that?

I haven't witnessed this kind of shopping in a number of years and it made me feel sad. Go home and spend time with your families I wanted to say to some of the people. At the same time, being in the store for an hour or so resulted in me starting to want some of the things I saw - in particular, a nutmeg scented candle even though I still have a pretty ample supply of candles left to burn.

My oldest son went to the mall to buy a set of sheets for one of his girlfriend's gifts a few days before Christmas; (I like his practicality, she needed them and had requested a sheet set) and told me he would never go to a mall again so close to Christmas - it was crowded and he did not enjoy the experience although he got a good parking spot.

My youngest son and I were relieved to leave the fragrance store and head on home. The only thing I think I enjoyed out of the experience was looking at the cute snowflake garland hung from the ceiling in pinks and reds.

All these years I've thought I've been missing out on the shopping experience and the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Now I realize that I haven't really missed out on anything at all. It meant a great deal for me to be able to have gifts for the boys this year but I realize that the past years without gifts weren't the end of the world. Gifts are nice in moderation but not worth fighting over in a Walgreen's aisle or spending the better part of an afternoon getting. Going without has made us far more grateful for what we did receive and what we have. I think all of us realize as well that things don't make us happy and that we can learn to live without when need be.

We've all become far more thoughtful and deliberate in our actions, thinking, speaking and spending. In the end, maybe the biggest surprise is that looking back, not having gifts has ended up becoming a gift. Go figure. Never would I have thought that or even considered that in 2007!

Giving and Receiving

It has been difficult for me to accept assistance and charity the past few years. I know despite that adage that we all heard as youngsters, "It is better to give than to receive," there is still a stigma attached to seeking help when you are down and out. The pain of having to go to a food pantry and then witness the masked disapproval is something I wasn't prepared for. We are a society of contradictions. On one hand, we gloat that we are willing to help the less fortunate but then we quickly lash out in criticism that those who are needy aren't trying or working hard enough. I think that along with the message that we're such a giving and generous nation, there is also the belief that all of us should be able to make it, and if we can't or haven't, then something is wrong with us and we're not good, decent, honorable people. Maybe that view is changing as the financial struggle becomes more wide spread.

Another problem is that some of us have never been in this position and don't know how to accept help, much less find it. For me, having been the oldest child of four, I was always the one who helped and was relied upon to hold up the fort. There is a huge sense of damaged pride to not be able to do what I've always done, and been good at doing.

Maybe it is easier to give than it is to receive sometimes. I know that it has been an almost automatic response for me to refuse gifts. There is just so much emotional conflict surrounding the issue.

But this year, I was gifted with an online gift card before I could refuse it. When it arrived, in early December, I contemplated not using it or sending it back (however that is done). But my sons both BEGGED me to keep it. And it was hard for me to do so. But I did. Then I had the pleasure of imagining spending it entirely on myself (for about two minutes). Then for another two minutes I had the pleasure of imagining spending it all on the boys. In the end, it was split the way I suppose it gets split up with families - 90% of it going to the boys, and the remaining 10% to mom.

My sons spent a few days looking up and deciding on the gifts they wanted. Considering that I haven't given them birthday gifts in a number of years (we only celebrate with a cake and choice of dinner) and that there haven't been Christmas gifts either, this was a BIG DEAL - and a lot of fun. My oldest son handled all the ordering because after being a victim of credit card fraud three weeks before my husband died (another story for another time), I refuse to buy anything online and have never done it. The boys were wonderful figuring out the exact postage amounts and keeping track of the running total.

I had been encouraged by my benefactor to not get a book but to chose something nice and pretty. And I did try looking for a piece of the vintage glassware I collect and browsing the selection of craft items. But in the end, what I really coveted was a copy of the audio book by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope." Considering I get all my books for usually 25 cents at the second hand shop this was a big splurge because at the used book shop there aren't audio books.

The boys were thrilled as their gifts started arriving. One came on my oldest son's 18th birthday and I let him have it as a gift. My oldest ended up with a long sleeve t-shirt and socks from the college he wants to attend, my youngest got a Wisconsin hoodie and looks very handsome wearing it - that dark red Wisconsin red just highlights his dark hair and dark eyes. Both boys got wrist bands with the imprint of "France" since they are so proud of their French heritage and together they got some kind of memory disc for their X-Box.

I was able to get the boys a few inexpensive items and stocking stuffers. And they received some practical items like socks, boxers, and p.j.s from the nice woman at the food pantry who "adopted" me. I struggled with accepting her gifts as well and initially told her no. But she went on to share some of her story, telling me that the reason she had connected so strongly with me is that she was raised by a single mother from the age of 13 when her father walked out on them. For whatever reason, I reminded her of her childhood situation and she wanted to get some gifts for us. Along with the clothing there were also wallets for the boys with a $20.00 inside.

My oldest son remarked how different this Christmas was from past years. Having gifts did help. And it doesn't have to be extravagant. We had a modest Christmas and the majority of gifts were practical and useful. But it was so nice that the boys had an opportunity to get some items they really wanted and to choose them. And they received some electronic gifts from Sam that he was able to get as samples from the store he works at. I will talk about the gift he gave me in a separate post as it relates to widowhood in a strange way! Plus my girlfriend gave us a $25.00 Subway gift card along with a bag of chips, box of cookies and bottle of coke - I'm planning on that being our dinner later in the week and it will be a huge takeout treat for us!

I am grateful for the kindness and generosity of those who thought of me and offered gifts. I hope this post helps convey how hard it is for me to accept such offers. We were greatly blessed with the online gift card and for the gifts from the nice food pantry lady. In the end, I told her I would accept her gift only under the promise that we would go out together for coffee/tea so we could meet under "normal" circumstances and not as a food pantry volunteer/pantry recipient.

To the lovely person who sent us the surprise online gift card: You started out our holiday season on a positive and hopeful note setting the tone for the entire season. Your gifts are useful, wanted and very much appreciated. And you taught me a number of things too. For one, I need to get over my belief that I can't or shouldn't take gifts offered in the spirit of loving kindness. I don't always have to be the one giving, I can take a little too. I also need to learn to be more gracious in accepting gifts that are offered. And I can strive to keep giving in whatever ways I can despite my limited circumstances now. There are many ways to be of service and to give - not all involve having money.

Throughout my life I have been a giver. Now I hope that it might be easier for me to be both one who freely gives and one who freely receives. And enjoys both!

Christmas Shopping

Yesterday my youngest asked to be taken out to purchase a gift for his girlfriend (they've been friends awhile but going out for just about a month). He wanted to get her some kind of jewelry with the $11.00 he had as well as a fleece scarf from Old Navy. The scarves were advertised for only a dollar and we got to the store about three hours after they sold out. It was my fault we got there too late - when you have teen boys sometimes everything that goes wrong becomes mom's fault. So then we hit Walmart. They had some earring and necklace sets for $5.00 but my son preferred the ones a little higher in quality. Those were necklaces ranging from $9.00 - $12.00. He wasn't keen on a heart but eventually was convinced by my assurances that keys were big this year, judging from the ones I've seen in catalogs. So he went with the necklace in the middle of the photo because it was sterling vs. stainless steel and I had to kick in an extra two dollars.

I've been pretty good thus far this year not getting envious or upset when I see the jewelry commercials on t.v., particularly the ones with husbands buying their wives Christmas gifts. I will say though that I started to covet a Pandora charm bracelet after seeing the commercial with the three daughters saying over and over, "Did Dad go to Jared? Oh yeah, he went to Jared," they affirm as the mom oozes over her Pandora bracelet.

Some days I feel so naked. I don't wear any jewelry anymore, having sold it all or pawned it for pawn shop loans. I have a few pieces on loan that I pay a small amount for every month until I can afford to pick them up. These include one of my wedding/engagement rings sets from my first marriage and the wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond from my second marriage. It was custom designed by me and I figure one day I can replace the diamond with perhaps a less expensive gem stone. I have a couple other nice diamond and gold rings I'd wear on my right hand. Nothing extravagant. Just nicer than costume jewelry and pretty.

I miss having jewelry to wear. I enjoyed it and it was fun to express myself that way. I preferred rings most of all. I think that when life improves, I'm going to celebrate and treat myself to a custom ring. Something not expensive but meaningful. I want it to symbolize survival, strength and growth. I saw a woman recently with such a ring, I think just crafted out of sterling. I noticed it at some school event and commented on it and she told me how she had had it made for herself. This might be an idea for someone to launch onto: "Survival Jewelry" to symbolize triumph over life's adversities.

Seeing the inexpensive costume jewelry at Walmart made me wish for a little necklace or a new pair of earrings. I always lose my earrings and am down to one pair. At the holiday concert the other week I spied a woman with a quilted Vera Bradley bag and yes, I drooled. I am not into shoes but boy I do appreciate a nice purse and Vera bags are so colorful and fun. I've been wanting one for three years! It's okay to want nice and pretty things. A Vera bag wouldn't break the bank at about $50.00.

Anyway, I've done pretty well as I said before avoiding not feeling bad because I can't afford anything past essentials right now. I stay out of stores on purpose if at all I can avoid going into them. But seeing all the people at Old Navy and Walmart buying gifts did jolt me out of my self-imposed blinders and it surprised me how quickly I wanted to indulge in a small treat for myself.

I love vintage jewelry and always thought that if I ever remarry I'd ask my spouse for an old pin on gift giving occasions instead of other more expensive options. Vintage pins run about $10.00 - $20.00 and are so fun, with such variety for every season.

I don't have expensive tastes and boy have they become even less expensive in recent years. But I also want to be real and admit that I'm tired of pinching pennies and a few extra dollars to have for discretionary spending would be nice. I don't want to be so poor anymore.

Despondency

Was very despondent yesterday and the weather matched my mood - dark, grey and rainy. The boys were able to have pizza when they went over to their older brother's to watch the Bear's game but I was stuck with leftover 4-Bean Chili minus any cheese which is pretty much the best part. Couldn't sleep last night. Worried about the food budget and holidays, being able to have some kind of celebration for the boys. My oldest was upset this morning, needing $1.50 for his PE bowling class which I could not give him. He was also critical of what he felt was a meager lunch (PB & J, apple, goldfish crackers and a few cookies). After they boys left for school, I was able to register at a toy drive that allows "shoppers" to purchase gifts for their children at greatly reduced prices. I saw this event last year as it was happening and made a mental note to remember it this year, if needed. Not everyone who wants to participate can do so as spots are limited so I got on the phone first thing. The line was busy but within 15 minutes I had secured an appointment. The sale is of course geared to younger kids but I was assured that there would be plenty of a selection for my boys. Anything is better than nothing.
I then had to go to the local grocery store to write a check for a small amount over some minor purchases to afford gas for both vehicles. Then I headed over to the food pantry where a very kind woman volunteer and I have gotten friendly. She said she was so stuck by my asking for a stick of deodorant for my sons the last time I was there and the fact that they didn't have any to give me that she cried. She spoke to her husband that night and both of them would like to put together small gift bags for each boy. She said it won't be much but again I am grateful for anything my sons might have to open and enjoy. In terms of what they want, it is items like body wash, shampoo, sugarless gum and mints (which have been cut from our budget), socks and underwear. Nothing extravagant. A few years ago I might have not accepted this woman's offer but I can no longer do so. I still feel incredibly ashamed to be in this condition. Our society isn't kind toward the poor, even during the hard times many of us are going through. I feel stigmatized and humbled at the same time.

The nice woman at the food pantry said she knows of another pantry operating out of a church and if I didn't mind, she would pass on my name. They actually deliver a weekly box of food to your door. I also agreed to this. We have reached such a low point that my food budget is practically non-existent and it will probably take me a month or two to recover. During which time I am forced to rely on pantry donations as difficult as it is. Today's food pantry visit was a good one because I got to choose three loaves of bread and a dessert. Sometimes there is no bread or just hard unsliced loaves of French or Italian. A red letter day to be able to leave with a loaf of light Italian, extra large loaf of white sandwich bread and a hearty grain type, which is my preference.

From the pantry I headed over to the town hall to register for yet another program. This one only gives gifts to kids 12 and under but they do provide a box of fresh food including potatoes and vegetables so it was worth it to sign up. It is also possible that a family or business will "adopt" us but that is not a guarantee. I go to a local church to pick up my box of food and they will also offer items at a garage sale of sorts - donated items of all kinds, free for the taking. We've been shopping at the Goodwill and I go to antique stores so what is the harm in browsing at the items offered? Maybe I can find a few "gently worn" items as they say for the boys or even myself.

The social worker overheard me talking about a program I've learned about that is actually a class to teach suburbanites how to be poor since so many of us have never had to face circumstances like this. She asked me about the program and I promised to provide her with the info. That is part of the problem as I see it. I've never lived in an apartment or had to search for food from pantries. There have to be others out there like me who just don't know the ins and outs of navigating the system. The social worker referred me to yet another food pantry that provides fresh food items. Talking to her, I sounded like a social worker myself. At that moment of realization part of me said to myself, "Get off your butt and look for work in your field. Stop selling yourself short. Your are a professional, you'll eventually find a social services job. And heck, now I even have personal experience in grief, loss and poverty - better equipped to assist clients." Part of the problem though, is that being in this place takes a tremendous toll on one's self-esteem. I blame myself for my situation and don't feel worthy looking for a better job. That is kind of the pattern of this cycle...

By the end of the day I felt a little better. All this running around took up the majority of my time, which is another characteristic of living under reduced circumstances. It takes extra time to figure all this stuff out. Dinner was thankfully not more 4-Bean Chili! I feel I've done what I can to try and improve the holidays but still am depressed and down about it all. I am not motivated to put up a tree and wish the holidays would just fast forward and go away. I am also reconsidering not going to the knitting group this week thinking it is not a good time to do so. It will feel like rubbing salt into a wound if I am surrounded by women chatting in gay spirits about their holiday decorations, plans, parties and trips. Maybe it would be better to start with the group at the new year. These women all know one another and I'm not sure it is the right time to enter a group that has been together in the midst of the holidays. Anyway, I've even lost some of my desire to knit which comes with my being down.

But then it becomes reinvigorated again when I think that I should whip up a holiday towel and pot holder set to give to the kind woman at the pantry. And I'll need something for my girlfriend and my son's girlfriend. But the thought of decorating and baking exhausts me. Just trying to locate available food pantries that will serve me has taken its toll and part of the joy out of this season. I always believed that the holidays were the one time of year all of us were assured of some happiness. Just another illusion that has been shattered.

Re-Gifting

We were fortunate to be able to have Christmas dinner with my close girlfriend and her family. We have been doing this a couple years now (since my Mom died) and we also celebrate together at the 4th of July. My brother who lives locally takes his vacation at Christmas so he is not in town. My sister and I have been at odds since my Mom's death. So, this dinner represents family and togetherness for us. My girlfriend is a teacher and has befriended a 74 semi-retired secretary at her school, R. This woman is estranged from family, lives alone and doesn't drive. She attends the Christmas dinner too.

I had to force myself the past two days to be cheerful and not morbidly depressed. Although that is how I felt inside. I didn't think I could ruin what little celebration the boys would have by my mood. Nor could I ruin my friend's kindness and her dinner. So I did my best to put on my game face and keep it on. I didn't put up any type of tree at the apartment because my massive collection of Christmas decorations are buried between two large storage sheds. When you already own so much it is hard to justify buying more, even when you can't dig them out of storage. So it was very nice to have such a pretty tree to gaze at and enjoy at my friend's home.

But it was painful to see the modest assortment of unwrapped gifts under the tree because we didn't have any this year. I saw a pile of those small cookbooks you can pick up at the grocery checkout line and asked my friend who was thoughtful enough to get her those. She admitted she had gotten them for her own stocking because she gets so tired of not having anything to open from it. I got a big kick out of this because in year's past I did the same thing for my stocking - the universal plight of the single or only parent!

It was snowing and very pretty outside but I kept remembering the Christmas Days of my past life (before husband's death - BHD) and the reality that if he were still living, we'd be at our own special and happy celebration. As nice as my friend's dinner was, I would have preferred my own with our individual and unique traditions.

I enjoyed talking to R. She and I have gotten to know each other a bit over the years. I gave my girlfriend a lovely soft and fuzzy scarf I knitted in shades of blue, her favorite color. Last year I made everyone at the dinner ski bands. BHD, I used to give such nice presents to the teachers, friends and family. And I baked masses of cookies and quick breads. It is humbling to be in a position where homemade gifts become the norm because of no other options. Although, I might consider re-gifting if I had anything to give.

My friend's annual gift to our family is a bag of soda, candy, popcorn and gift card for a video rental. She and her friend exchanged DVDs of their favorite old t.v. shows and my friend also got some Bath & Body Works lotions, a candle and ski band. My friend asked if the ski band came from a craft show since she likes to attend those. R. did not reply.

Our Christmas feast was traditional and with all the trimmings: turkey, potato (mashed and sweet), dressing, pear/cranberry/spinach salad, broccoli salad, cranberry, green bean casserole, corn, relish, rolls, cookies and homemade pumpkin pie. Since my friend is going out of town to visit her family, she gave us ALL the leftovers, which I am sure she had planned to do in advance. She was even kind enough to serve a bottle of Cabernet for me, my favorite.

We listened to Christmas music which I have heard very little of this season. My oldest left after pie to go back to his girlfriend's down the street. At 8:30, my friend took R. home but I stayed back just sitting in front of the tree and watching the snow fall from the picture window. It was hard being at my friend's home, which is a modest ranch. I felt sad with the realization that I no longer own my own home and that our life in now in a cramped and messy apartment because there isn't much storage space.

While my friend was out, I looked at the gifts she received and wanted to examine the ski band since I am a crafter. I looked at it closely and thought the pattern looked familiar. Upon closer inspection I realized that the band was one of the ones I'd made for my girlfriend and her family and R. last Christmas! Turns out the friend re-gifted my homemade gift back to my girlfriend this year! This realization was amusing but also a little sad. I suppose it made me think that people don't consider handmade gifts very valuable.

When my girlfriend returned she got a good chuckle over the re-gifting. Then we spent some quality time talking and listening to music. I looked at pictures of some guys she is communicating with at eHarmony and read their emails. Then we both admitted that throughout the evening both of us had had the thought that we do not want to end up like R. We don't want to be in the position of going to someone's home other than our families because there is no where else to go. To suspect that someone feels sorry for us.

R. got divorced in the 1960s, well before it became acceptable in society. Her husband had an affair and his mistress got pregnant. The baby was born on the same day as R.'s little girl. So R. raised two kids and worked as a secretary on her own. She was bitter about her husband's affair and divorce (rightly so). She never dated or remarried. I remember having similar thoughts about R. and her situation last year too. 50 years is a long time to go without sex or male companionship. I don't want that for my life. I have tremendous admiration for anyone raising kids on their own and working. It is very, very trying and tiring. But looking back on my own life, I am glad I still had the courage and strength to get myself back out there into the dating world after my husband died and even after the second one filed for divorce.

Despite the disaster of my second marriage, I have no regrets that I took another chance on love and went for it. I would rather be facing the consequences of that doomed relationship than to be living a safer and predictable life as R. chose. But I know and appreciate that everyone is different. What is right for me may not be for someone else. But I know that it is important for me to build and share a life with a significant other. And that I am extremely unfulfilled and empty living without a partner.

Here we were last night, three woman with different painful stories related to divorce and death of husbands. None of us had any clues when we first got married as to the final outcomes of those unions. It made me reflect on Sam who was not with us this Christmas like he was last year. The weather was just too risky for the drive and he only had Christmas day off and needed to be back at work today. Within this next week I have to make the decision as to whether to stick it out here for the sake of the boys finishing high school at their old school or go ahead with the move out-of-state and a quicker future with Sam. That will be the emphasis of my upcoming posts but for today I wanted one last entry about Christmas and to keep my depression and holiday blues at bay for a little longer.

And I had to share the story about the Christmas re-gifting! That ties right on in with my knitted oven mitt mitten! But if I can throw in my two cents here - I know after this I'll really think twice about ever re-gifting, even if that means all I can give is a handmade gift.