Feeling the Pain

Over the past two weeks I have gone from feeling gut retching pain and sobbing numerous times daily to what I feel now, which is a dull constant ache that is always just under the surface. I think the deep seeded pain had a lot to do with grief over the loss of husband #1. Hard to believe that even five years later there would still be significant pain - for all those folks who think you get over the grief with time I just want to say that is not how it works. Now I believe that the pain I am experiencing has much to do with the anxiety of not knowing what is going on with the divorce/mediation/settlement as well as the loss and sadness accompanying the divorce.

There is such a feeling of loss and rejection surrounding the breakup of my second marriage. It is like I am stuck and cannot get past the fact that the boys and I were treated so cruelly. Husband #2 whom I would like to refer to as the schmuck, the scoundrel or the cad (or some combination of all three) in July had just spent five days with me (making love, buying me gifts, sitting through a pedicure for me, attending a Fourth of July party with friends) when less than 24 hours later he informed me over the phone that he had filed for divorce and hung up on me. To better put this in perspective, this is two weeks before the boys and I are planning to move out of state to join him. After that point we had virtually no contact until our first divorce hearing which was on October 30. The cad knew I had no money and no job. He left us financially destitute and I later learned (on Oct. 30) that he had spent his summer months going on two vacations and checking out car dealerships so he could replace his Lexus and get a Toyota Highlander SUV.

The fact that there was no communication from him in saying goodbye to me or the boys hurts beyond imagination. That the scoundrel did not care enough about the institution of marriage or me to act in a respectful and mature manner in which he could tell me his feelings/intentions face-to-face rather than the cop out way he took over the phone and long distance.

I did not contact him after being told about the divorce because this was not the first time he had acted in this way. He originally filed for divorce in January, 2008 and also cut off all communication with me, etc. In fact, at that time he did not even tell me he had filed - I eventually found out by calling the courthouse. During the three week period that January before we reconciled, the schmuck refused to answer my calls, did not respond to my letter, hung up on me when I did get him on the phone and failed to call me as he had said he would so we could discuss the situation. He was controlling in telling me that he would only give me five minutes to talk (that was one time). And I hate to admit it but this same thing also happened in July, 07 when my mom was on her death bed. We were actually supposed to have moved July, 07 but my mom was hospitalized with colon cancer from June 15 until she died on August 15. She and I were extremely close and the move out of state got put on hold as I attended to her final days and then the memorial arrangements.

That time, the fing schmuck, scoundrel, cad just failed to show up over the Fourth of July weekend after we had made plans to do so. Then after not showing nor telling me that he was not coming, he refused to talk to me so I had no idea what was going on. He hung up on me or did not answer the phone. I was a basket case at this time - I knew my mom was dying and that situation was hard enough - but to top it off with a husband acting like an immature, selfish ass really took the cake! I needed him with me at that time for support, encouragement and love. Eventually, in desperation I had a girlfriend of mine who had become close to him call and after a two hour conversation he ended up coming for the weekend a day late. I suppose I dismissed his behavior because I was so caught up with the situation involving my mom. But only two months later in Sept. he did it again when I had to clean out/clear out my parent's home with only two weeks advance notice. I'll spare you the details of how stressful that was and to top it off asshole scoundrel, schmuck, cad made it far more painful by griping about not being able to go out to dinner, or that I was not paying enough attention to him. I patiently explained that the last weekend of clearing out the large four bedroom home was only that, a weekend and begged for his sympathy/support. In the end, he could not provide that and sat at the dining room table reading a news magazine with a scowl on his brow as I packed boxes and loaded the car.

So you can see with a history of similar behavior that in July, 08 I said enough is enough and would not put myself in a position to be controlled and put down by the fing asshole, scoundrel, schmuck. cad. Basically, as I feel it, this guy used and abused all three of us and in the end flushed us down the commode as a used piece of bath tissue. That is really how I feel. And describing yourself as a used piece of bath tissue wiped by someone's filthy asshole is not a good thing. To feel that way about yourself is pretty much the lowest of low feelings. That is where I am right now praying that the divorce will become finalized so I can stop having to think about the fing asshole, schmuck, scoundrel, cad ("FASSC")!

Per the advice of my attorney I submitted a mediation settlement proposal in the hopes we could finalize things without mediation and the additional strain, cost, stress. I have not heard back from my attorney as to the outcome of that (it has been well over a week and I have already left two messages with the paralegal). The settlement would have to be finalized 10 days before mediation on 2/19 so I think at this point it is too late to expect not having to mediate. I do hope to hear some kind of status today because I am getting to the point where I cannot concentrate on everyday matters and I have not been eating healthy.

So today I am going to make more of an effort to focus on staying strong and away from the junk food because the FASSC is so not worth my even gaining a pound or a pimple! At least writing this all down has given me some clarification as to what an non-supportive, selfish, immature, demanding, controlling, non-communicative, narcissistic man I married. Oh, did I mention that he also suffers from Retarded Ejaculation but with him it was a pretty severe case as he had never had an orgasm with a woman ever - not through manual, oral, anal or vaginal stimulation. It was very difficult for him to orgasm even on his own and he typically had to view porn to be able to do so. And I might add that he could only come standing up which I always found interesting because when I come I become weak in the knees so I can't imagine only being able to stand. He just couldn't come with a woman present. We did have a sexual relationship together including intercourse - everything but his ability to orgasm. Which did make me sad at times because it didn't seem complete and I so wanted him to experience what he is supposed to in the way that is natural.

Part of my anger or should I say rage over this divorce was that I made a huge sacrifice in marrying him but did so because I did love and accept him despite the sexual dysfunction. I was willing to live with it but of course hoped that once we were actually living together that it would improve or that we could seek sex therapy together. Anyway, the meanness of his personality is far more detrimental to me than the lack of his sexual response. I do not believe that he is gay but I do know that he does not feel a need to be in a relationship evidenced by going five years between relationships and sex and having had very few relationships even in high school and college. I have since found some research describing men with this condition as also suffering from Attachment Disorder and it would appear that there is a correlation between the two with the FASSC - his inability to be empathic and supportive; his lack of communication skills and abilities; and the sexual issues.

I should be grateful that we didn't move and the relationship ended when it did. But this still all hurts and I feel as though part of me has died inside. It is not the kind of thing you can discuss with anyone other than close friends - "Oh yeah, one of the reasons my marriage failed is that my husband suffered from Retarded Ejaculation and Attachment Disorder." The other crummy thing about all this is that the FASSC in an effort to save face has made me into a monster to divert the attention and responsibility away from him and I don't like to be thought of as someone I'm not by his friends, family and coworkers - and I think even himself. In order to disengage from the marriage he needed to make me this way - what a fing asshole, schmuck, scoundrel, cad!

I hope that since this has all been put down in this way that I can feel some release and freedom from the intense pain that has been gripping me the past months. That in the next few weeks I can experience greater hope and optimism.

Today I am grateful:

1. That we had a weather warmup and most of the snow is gone!
2. That the milk carton has an expiration of 2/21 which is two days after the scheduled mediation - so that is evidence that there will be some kind of resolution in the near future.
3. That I would never conduct myself in the manner the FASSC has and that I have raised my boys to be more loving and kind than the FASSC ever will be.