Fear

What do I fear? What have I always feared from childhood on? Being alone, unmarried especially, being rejected; having a lack of stability in my life. As I thought about this I came to the realization that I am living my deepest fears. I am alone. And while I don't really mind being alone, what I really mind is the unmarried label. I want and need to belong to someone, to be a part of a team. I was rejected by my second husband and that event shattered me to my core because it so closely followed the death of my husband.

Sometimes I overcome my fears. My losses have resulted in my being far less consumed by petty annoyances. Many times I say, "What the heck" and go out on a limb to say or do what I really want to - because I have nothing to lose. But other days, l am stuck in my fears, afraid to meet someone new, or go somewhere by myself.

Oftentimes I reflect that I really need to lose this defeated attitude. Having already encountered my deepest fears and to have lived beyond them, one would think that I would have long outgrown them.

To get what I most long for - stability, love and partnership will require me to face fear again and become vulnerable. It is a risk getting hurt when there has already been so much hurt and pain. To start over. Many times it is easier to just stay with the status quo and let life remain as it is. But then I realize I shouldn't be complaining about my life because I'm not doing much to change it. And I don't want to complain and I want my life to change. So the only option is to face the fear and risk the possibility of pain because there is always the potential for more. I'll keep my eyes and heart on the hope for a prize instead of expecting defeat.