This weekend I fell terribly short of packing/cleaning/clearing out. It just didn't get completed. Way too much for me to handle on my own and I miscalculated the amount of time needed to do it all. I have never moved like this before. I didn't grasp the sheer magnitude of it. Not to mention the exhaustion (physical and mental). Right now I am so tired and sore I am beyond feeling tired.
All kinds of feelings are churning up inside me. I see myself as a failure to some extent, although I know that isn't good for me right now - it is not serving any purpose except to make me feel worse. I am disappointed over the lack of "physical" help or muscle I received from my guyfriend. He had his son this weekend but I won't go there right now. I am feeling those triggers for me that relate to not having someone there for me. Guyfriend believes he has provided moral support but for this I needed someone actually by my side (not over the phone).
I have always been someone who has dropped what I was doing and put my needs aside to assist others. So I guess I am feeling some resentment that it doesn't get paid back to me.
Lastly, I guess is just all the widowhood stuff. Trying to do the job of two and always falling so short. Having to make all the decisions and organize everything. Running on empty but still expected to stand tall and strong... Parenting on my own. The boys helped with the packing but if I wasn't on them supervising they did some wacky things like putting all their clothing in sealed boxes. I asked what they planned to wear today and they had to reopen the boxes! Also, just putting breakables into boxes without packing paper. When I indicated my dismay they told me we could drive those boxes over in the car - just things like that. I know they were trying to help and doing the best they could. Everyone was on a short fuse by the end of the weekend!
The closing is still set for 11:00 a.m. but there is still so much left up in the air and I don't do well with that - I crave safety, security and knowing what is what. I rescheduled the movers for tomorrow a.m. to buy myself a little more time although there is still so much to do inside. I need another dumpster or Junk King or both! We're not sure if my mortgage lender's payoff letter arrived because of the holiday weekend so I may not get the funds today. We are supposedly going to sign a post possession agreement for 1-2 more days but until that is done I am worried about the buyer not agreeing to it. The holiday weekend jazzed things up and I wish I had known about it so I could have insisted on a closing date mid-week.
And wouldn't you know it - my period came yesterday. I do suffer from PMS (mood swings/upset) so surprisingly, I've been able to keep it together and not freak out. Some of my feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. may be attributed to my period. And if that were not bad enough, both commodes in the house are acting up and won't flush. Oh, joy! What a send off!
All in all just feeling drained beyond belief and at the point of throwing in the towel.
Gosh girl, you need a serious break! Couldn't help but laugh when you mentioned your period. lol. That does tend to make our emotions run higher for sure. I would think the guy-friend could have brought his son over and both could have been of great assistance in the packing/moving of things. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta learn not to expect anything from anyone--that is the only way not to get hurt by people. I know...I sound cynical and I used to be such a happy go lucky girl. Aha--years, disappointments and the fact that many people have failed in what I thought they should be, has led to that. "If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am Woman!!!" And dang it--I can do it all by myself...so there!!!
ReplyDeletei tend to agree with judemiller1 on this. it's easier to not depend on anyone and plan, really plan on doing it yourself. ask, ask, ask, but do not ink anyone in. some people have an abyss between their ears and the cognitive processing of the phrase: "i actually need you, really and truly, please." it just drops off into that abyss and they never figure out that you actually need them, really and truly.
ReplyDeleteit's a harrowing step to take, knowing you should plan on yourself being your backup, but trust me. in the long run, when you do get help, it is like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. it's a gift.
and like me, when your children reach adulthood, they will help you. they will be there. they will fight for you, worry about you, and help you when you stand there and can't make a decision to save your life. or when you start to cry in the grocery store because you can't remember if you have enough money for that box of Cheez Nips - like i did today.
I guess for some reason I still strongly think that it is not the natural order of things to have to rely on yourself. I have that "it takes a village" mentality. Families and communities should help because it is the right thing to do. I'm going to have to work on changing this perspective to some extent - maybe I expect too much from others. It will be the topic of my next therapy session when I can afford to go.
ReplyDeleteWnS - I totally relate to the Cheez Nip situation. It brought to mind my recently standing in the store aisle counting the change from the bottom of my purse to see if I had enough money to pay the grocery bill. I hope you're hanging in there with all you're involved with in regard to the wedding.