Friday Night Blues

Today, when I signed online there was a little news blurb on the AOL page about a man who had survived anal cancer as well as divorce and gone on to find love/marriage again. A pretty inspiring story to say the least. It gives me hope to believe that one day I too will remarry.

The boys are out tonight because it is Friday and as per usual I am in alone and feeling terribly lonely. I want my nights to include more than doing laundry or reading. At age 49 I am way too young to be moping around the house on my own and feeling hopeless.

I guess I think that if I were married my husband and I right now would be perhaps going to a movie; having a nice/romantic dinner out; cooking a simple but delicious meal together; watching a video; making love; conversing over wine; playing cards. Earlier we may have taken a walk in a park or forest preserve. All of those ideas seem pretty appealing to me right now.

I feel robbed and cheated that during midlife, when it seems a lot harder because of age and kids, I have to go back out there into the dating world. Life is already challenging just trying to navigate through the days in one piece and now I have to add the "fun" of looking for love to my plate! Talk about unfair and crummy! Also to contend with are guys not ready for marriage or who don't want to remarry when I am pretty old-fashioned in regard to marriage and commitment. So it is trying to find a suitable mate who is also on the same page, as well as sharing the same values.

I was thinking about the dating game today and wondering if it is different for the widowed vs. the divorced. I know for me that I have high standards about commitment because of what I went through with my husband's death. I know what it is like to be in the trenches, by someone's side during their darkest hour. And I think it is for this reason that I am not willing to accept a more casual level of dating or relationship. I want the real deal because I've been there and had it. I want to know that the man I am with is as committed to me as I was to my husband. My loss resulted from death so I'm not so shy about jumping back into the saddle. If anything, the widowhood aspect just seems to make my dating expectations more complicated and confusing!
I would prefer dating widowers but have not met any. I just don't feel divorced men have a full understanding of the realities of being an "only" parent as they still share parenting duties, albeit in separate households.

I'd love to hear how other widows are coping with this issue.