Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Anger
I am starting to feel a lot of anger - so far in my grief journey anger has not been an emotion that I have allowed myself to experience much. But it is coming out now in full force. I was in the grocery store yesterday only picking up a package of chili seasoning and a can of chopped tomatoes. I went to the express line but was beat out by a middle-aged dad who took the first place. I glared at him as he pulled out his wallet and I saw the photos of his children - no doubt the wife was waiting for him at home. I wanted to point to the tabloid paper showing the photo of Patrick Swayze and say, "That is what my husband looked like before he died." But I didn't. I was angry that this guy with his life together had no problem going ahead of me in line. But I am the person who deserved to check out sooner. All pretty petty stuff I know but it was what I was thinking as I stood behind this guy. Wanting to say to the whole line in fact or maybe even the entire store, "Your lives are better than mine - but that doesn't give you an excuse to take the first place in line - maybe think about the people you cut in front of." Somehow I don't believe many people care much about anyone else's lives but their own.
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Immediately after my husband died I had that kind of bitterness towards almost any living man “how come you got to wake up this morning and he didn’t?” I sometimes felt that way towards older couples or couples who didn’t seem to appreciate each other. I thought “do you know how lucky you are?!” I got past it – it is a step you need to go
ReplyDeletethrough – and like most steps, you will cycle back through it at various times, usually with less and less intensity as time passes.
Now I try to focus on what I HAVE and not compare it to what I should or could have had or against what other have. That is what I like about your gratitude list.
Wow -- I've been consumed by anger nearly all of the entire 3 years. I suppose in a way you're lucky you've avoided it so far. But it's a bitch.
ReplyDeleteIn the grocery line, you could have used my blog's (real) "widow cards." Although, the picture of Patrick Swayze would've been more effective.
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Supa
Ann - It is a very good point about cycling in and out of various emotions. And that over time the intensity of them will lessen (thank goodness). I really liked what you said about focusing on what we HAVE and NOT COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS. I try to end each day with thanks/gratitude in my heart but I think that I need to focus more on this during the day. Thank you for helping me reconsider my mindset.
ReplyDeleteSupa - I just appreciate your honesty in admitting that you've been angry! So many people (especially those not dealing with grief) seem so bothered by these feelings. The only reason I've avoided the anger stuff so far is that I unfortunately had to tend to so many things after my husband died (sick parents, sick child, cleaned out parent's home, etc.). Now that life has slowed down, the anger is coming out - but it is okay, I'm going with it!
Thanks for reminding me about the widow cards - I want some to pass out to future people who cut me off in the check out lane! I'll just keep some with me in my purse.