I still struggle on a daily basis with feelings of loss and tremendous sadness concerning my divorce from Husband #2. It is like this terrible sore that just won't heal. I continue to have nightmares and migraines on an almost nightly basis about my ex. There is this continuous loop that just keeps repeating itself - I play over all aspects of our "marriage" and what I did or didn't do. I know there are any number of reasons why this could be happening. For one, I think that the divorce happening so soon after Husband #1 and my Mom died has made it much more difficult to get through. Looking back now, I believe that I hadn't even really grieved my husband's death before I started to help care for my seriously ill parents. So my grief over his death was kind of put on hold. When Husband #2 filed for divorce, it opened up the floodgates for all the grief left over from Husband #1, which just kind of combined with and increased the grief I felt about the divorce. And it doesn't help of course, to be facing all kinds of financial hardship on top of everything else.
Yesterday, my close girlfriend met me at the high school to watch my oldest at his Volleyball match. As we sat in the bleachers, I asked her how she would stop thinking about her ex if she were in my situation. She told me that she would focus on the new man in her life and whenever a thought popped into her head about the ex, she'd force herself to think of the new guy. I also talked to my sister last night and asked her the same question. She also told me to focus on the new guy in my life, to leave the past in the past and to look ahead to the future. One of her comments was that the past is way, way gone - there is nothing we can do about it now. She added that life is short - far too short for continued angst and agony.
Life is far too short for me to continue to beat myself up over a relationship that was not meant to be. It is time for me to really move on and release the pain and regrets I have over what wasn't. For me, I think that I hold on to all of this because as long as I do, I still have the people I've lost with me. It has always been very hard for me to give up the past and to move on. But if ever there was a time to do so it is now. And maybe it is as simple as consciously committing to and concentrating on what is active and alive in your life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For family.
2. For friends.
3. For TAZO Awake tea.
4. For the belief that being a good, kind person will in the end bring more peace and comfort than doing something spiteful to Husband #2 (like sprinkling a product on his lawn that will kill all the grass).
5. That my boys are popular and well-liked.
I still think it would be fun to go over to ex'es house while he is gone and pour bleach or something on his lawn. Especially if he takes great pride in his yard.
ReplyDeleteHey--you know---all this stuff just takes time to get over---some of it takes a loooooong time. I still have dreams of my ex and we have been divorced over 20 years. I don't think we ever really get over it...but we go on and try and push those thoughts to the background. Be glad for each day that you have (sounds like a platitude), but really...get what you can out of each day even if it is only being a tad happy because the sun is shining or you heard a bird's song. Something--anything to keep those bad thoughts in the background.
Thank you for commenting! I totally agree with you that we don't really ever get over our losses - like you said, we try to move on and hopefully as we do so, our negative thoughts and feelings will lessen.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI am probably not in a position to give advice given that I have not read your ENTIRE blog yet and we don't know each other in person but something struck me wrong in the advice to think about the new man. That sounds like a rebound mentality (which can be useful, but!).
I think this loss is like any other grieving and it's important to listen to it. Being in a new relationship is fine, but I would spend more of your energy thinking about YOURSELF.
My sense is that you're already doing this -- witness your gratitude lists! -- but that advice just seemed really "off" to me. Perhaps I misunderstand... these are your close friends.
Best wishes -- I'll comment more (and maybe more intelligently) as I go along! So much loss to catch up on. Ugh!
Supa
While I don't know if you can relate to this, I found it helpful in getting past grief. A wise therapist told me hat prolonged grief and/or depression can be a sign that I don't or can't see what I still have in life, even if it is only my life itself.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, I think he was telling me not to give up hope and a health scare put things in perspective, too because I had to face the fact that even if I spent the rest of my life ALONE, I wanted to live. I wanted to garden. I wanted to read good books. I wanted a chance to make new friends. But I think some people give up hope that things will get better...but how can they know for SURE?
I think it is interesting that the people who give me the advice to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future have not had to deal with much grief in their lives. If someone asked me for my advice, I would never give what was given to me (forgetting the past and moving right on, etc.). The advice I would give as someone who has faced a lot of loss is that you have to look at that loss right in the face (and keep staring for as long as it eventually takes for that grief to subside and turn its eyes away). Then I would advise that while you're grieving, you do the best you can to face the future with as much hope as can be mustered up that day.
ReplyDelete