Change

My First Car

Some weeks back I saw this car in a parking lot and snapped the photo because it is the same car I drove 25 years ago! What a hoot! Back then, as today, I was environmentally conscious and drove a tiny stick-shift compact. I stopped driving it and updated to a stick-shift sedan for safety reasons after I had my sons.

When I flipped through my photos to select one for this post, this one made me smile. Despite how trying life can be, at least I have progressed to a better car at present! I will say though, that I did love that little blue first car. I only had to fill the gas tank twice a month. And it always got me to my destination. When my husband drove it though, he got teased by other men and always told them it was his wife's car. So this photo brought back a memory that made me smile again.

This morning, the head of the social work department at a major university kindly spent about 45-minutes with me on the phone discussing my defunct degree situation. He told me that he is aware of a few other individuals in the same position and it is a lousy one, pure and simple. His suggestion is that I go back to school to obtain another counseling psychology degree but I just refuse to do that. He also strongly advised me against going back for a BA - every educational professional I have spoken to has agreed with that. It is just not worth the hassle of completing gen eds and it would be difficult being in classes when I am at a different educational/professional level than my peers.

I admitted that I truly feel like weeping over this. Here I am, finally ready and able to work in my profession and I will not be able to fully realize that potential without more education, which I thought I had obtained years ago. I do figure that I can obtain a social services job somewhere, but I will not be able to counsel clients or work independently which is my professional goal.

Tomorrow morning I have my first counseling appointment where I can bring up the empty-nest and defunct degree dilemmas. I am curious and hopeful to receive some professional guidance.

The kind department head made a very nice comment to me. As I was explaining the situation and why I'd taken time off from my career, he replied that what I had done in caring for my boys and devoting my focus and energy toward them was indeed very admirable. I need to remember that often. That what I did wasn't for naught and it has had meaning.

Maybe part of my discontent right now has to do with my desire to be out there full force and back in the saddle again. It is hard to realize that changes may take time to achieve. I didn't get into this situation overnight and certainly I can't expect to have my life up and running overnight.

There is also the aspect of change. I recently read that human beings have a great deal of difficulty with change. We dislike it and try and avoid it much of the time in lieu of keeping the status quo. I think about all the changes made to my life because of widowhood and I can agree with hating change. Widowhood changes were forced on me. It again feels like more changes are being forced because of my sons growing up and moving off to college. Despite how difficult life has been the past few years, there is some reluctance in letting it go because of fear of the future and the unknown. Once those boys are dropped off at college in August, my life will not be familiar. I suppose that is adding to the angst of my emotions right now.