On the Road

Where am I going?

I am beginning to feel a bit anxious about the upcoming empty-nest aspect of my life soon approaching. The articles I have found online do indicate that widowed empty-nesters may have a more difficult time adjusting than those who are coupled.

I realize how much of my life energy I have poured into raising my sons the past years. That focus is what kept me going through some pretty challenging times. But now that that focus is lessened, I do feel empty and kind of without a purpose. It doesn't help that I'm not employed and still don't have a place to call my future home, although I am working on that.

So, I need to find a job and then figure out what to do with my career - go back to school for yet another degree? Why not? I'll have lots of free time to research and write papers.

Then I need to revamp my social life which is sadly lifeless at this point. I will have to relearn how to take care of my needs and wants for a change. I'm actually wondering if that is even possible at this point - I've been such a caregiver of others all my life.

Those tasks now seem rather daunting to me. And they are on top of still managing all the little details of life on my own.

I'm extremely tired and weary. The only-parenting took a toll out of me - much more than the grief of my husband's death.

It appears that this next chapter will continue to include some bumps in the road. I'm trying to feel excited and energized about free time and less financial strain. But while I can see some of the pluses, I also realize that they come with even more loss - both of my boys at college and me really ALONE. It is a joyful time in celebrating my sons' successes, yet bittersweet because it is a time of adjustment and change - YET AGAIN! I just feel that widowhood has been this endless journey of adjustment and change and what I need and long for is a period of predictable stability and sameness. Without the loneliness and being alone too.