Being Carried

This morning I had to deal with another flat tire - the third this year! I am so glad I broke down and got the insurance the tire store recommended because I did not have to pay a thing when they replaced it - the culprit was some sort of long, thin nail. My world was a bit off kilter as I had to drop plans to attend to the tire situation. It is lucky I am off from work today.

This situation just brought to mind my utter tiredness of always having to "fix" problems on my own. I know that I glorify marriage in my posts and so deeply want another opportunity to be married. I'll be upfront in admitting that I'd love to have a live-in handyman around. I'm not looking for wealth or good looks. A kind, decent guy with a little pudge around his middle would be great - one whom can communicate effectively, say he is sorry and be willing to work together when the going gets tough, instead of run away are my essentials. I miss sharing the day-to-day details of life with an adult partner and sleeping next to someone. A regular, consistent sex life would be nice too but I'll leave that subject alone for now.

Marriage provides an opportunity for personal growth as well as growing together as a couple. When married, the partners share minor set backs such as an unexpected flat tire as well as bind together during challenges. I like to look at marriage at being the best of two worlds. You get an opportunity to love and be there for someone and at the same time have someone look out and care for you.

There are times in life when we need to be carried or to lean on someone. When you are sick, it is nice to have a person in your life there for you to bring you tea and soda crackers. When you are running late from work, it is a relief to be able to call and ask your partner to start dinner or pick up the milk from the store. When you are grieving and in pain, it is a treasure to be able to have your partner lift you up in their arms and assure you that this too will pass and in the meantime you can count on their undying love, support and strength.

As I travel through the past few years which have involved so much hardship and struggle, I am at a point where I want to ask:

What happens to those of us without a support system to rely and depend on? When you are the only one lifting yourself up off the floor time and time again? Will there come a point when one just can't muster up the strength to have another go at it? Or is it human nature to keep on struggling and hopefully the calluses and bruises you've earned along the way serve as a buffer against the pain?

The early days and months of widowhood are tragic and trying. But so too is the middle of widowhood where I am. It is almost six years since my husband's death. And I am tired, weary, sad, lonely and desperately wanting someone to carry me for a little while. Just so I can catch my breath, get a good night's sleep and restore my soul a bit. In the end, it'll be up to me to accomplish that - and it is not that I'm protesting having to take responsibility and all. It just would be nice to have someone pamper me and extend some care toward me for a change. That's all - to feel as though I matter enough that someone wants to do that for me. Like what you'd hopefully come to rely on in a healthy, mutually supportive marriage.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the tire got fixed pretty quickly and effortlessly.
2. That I wasn't somewhere far from home when I noticed the flat.
3. That I paid the extra cost for the tire insurance.
4. That I have some peace of mind in the event this happens again.
5. That I once had a marriage where I felt the ways that are so lacking in my life now. It makes me know what to strive for the next time around.