Am continuing to feel pretty down and out. Although I have sad thoughts running through my head I am at least cleaning up the house in anticipation of putting it on the market next week. I went and rented a small storage locker today and moved a great deal of excess from the house and garage into it. I had been trying to go through all the clutter in the home but found it was taking too long. At least it is now out of the house. My plan is to go to the storage locker and bring one box or bag home at a time to go through in the future. To try and accomplish a house full of bags and boxes is too much for me. I already feel a great sense of relief to have some of it out - and more will be gone tomorrow. I need to keep my life as manageable as possible and this is a way that I think I can handle the cleanup without being overwhelmed.
Other thoughts that have surfaced are that it is hard enough being a widow, but a poor widow at that is even worse! I keep thinking about the comfortable life I would be living right now if I had moved to my ex-husband's town and we hadn't divorced. I am especially worried about possible what ifs - what if the van breaks down, how will I afford college for the boys in a few years, how much of a down payment will I need to rent an apartment, what if the house doesn't sell???? I am scared because I don't have someone to rely on if something really bad goes wrong.
This weekend I have to get my youngest to a baseball game on Sat. (he'll be able to walk to the other two he has to play in) and then my oldest is in a volleyball tournament. I will have to ask someone to drive him home on Sat. and both ways on Sunday. My youngest will need a ride home on Sat. There is just so much pressure, at least for me, to have to rely on others for transportation since I will be at work. I am overcome with sadness that my family has exhibited such little concern for us. My ex-husband has stopped communicating with me again without an explanation (his usual pattern).
All of these thoughts are tumbling around in my head and my heart is so heavy. I do want to give myself at least a little credit for working on the house and doing the best I can to move forward even though my grief is pretty strong right now. Tomorrow, if my down mood continues I am going to have to work on the strategy I wrote about in yesterday's blog - focusing on love to push through grief.
Today I am grateful:
1. For frozen mini pizzas on sale for $1.00 each - they are pretty tasty.
2. For 75 cent Banquet brand potpies - cheap and tasty.
3. That my boys are so handsome and tall.
4. That it has been raining and not snowing.
5. For the birds chirping in the morning.
I feel for you. I am 10 weeks into my grief. My husband died 10 weeks ago Monday. I don't have kids like you do so I don't have the worries you do, but as a newly single person (not by choice) I worry about a lot of other things. Mainly my worries now are taking care of 3 houses and getting one prepped to go back on the rental market. I've learned how to do maintenance and repair. I was petrified at first but then I thought, Hell, I didn't help my husband all those years for nothing, I know how to do some of these things, I know I do. Once I figured that out and quit being so scared, I've gotten better at fixing up the townhouse. And just to make myself feel good I email some friends to let them what I did just so they can tell me what a good job I've been doing, how proud they are of me and that Bob would've been proud of me too. I just want a virtual pat on the back for all my efforts. Here's a virtual pat on your back from me because despite the adversities you have faced and are facing, I think you are doing a damn good job :-) Eventually things will get better.
ReplyDeleteYour kind words of encouragement and support mean a great deal to me especially because you are a newly bereaved widow. At 10 weeks into my widowhood, I was still very self-centered (poor, poor me) and unable to reach out and offer comfort/compassion to others - I couldn't see past myself so it is a true sign of your strength and character that you are able to provide that now to others.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best in courage and healing in the weeks and months ahead. If ever you need a virtual pat on the back let me know and I'll send one your way. Widowhood has been a very isolating experience for me and blogging has been a way for me to connect with others who totally get what I'm feeling. I am finding that the virtual hugs and pats on the back do help me carry on.
What you are accomplishing in terms of the home maintenance is amazing. To know that your husband would be proud of you is a special blessing!