One of the first lessons I received regarding my new life as a widow, came even before I was widowed, a week before my husband's death. By that time he had been in a coma for weeks and was in the acute ICU section of the hospital. I was crying for most of those days. Thankfully, I could stop while I was driving the hour to the hospital but once there, I could not stop the tears - they flowed endlessly. I was bringing the boys to the hospital after school and I'd already been there during the day. Because no food was allowed in the ICU, I'd stop for kiddie meals at some fast food place along the way and the boys would eat dinner in the van. Actually, the eating in the van thing had been going on for a number of weeks, not just at the end. I was focused on having the boys spend as much time as they could with their Dad. Although I had not been officially told, I intuitively knew that death was near.
Anyway, that is a little background as to what was going on in our life at that point. I'd just taken a leave of absence from my 20-hour-a-week job which had been granted very reluctantly. I was doing my best to take care of the boys and manage the impending death of my spouse. The boys would often complete their homework in the van and were still participating in soccer and baseball. We were even involved in completing a creative arts project sponsored by our PTA. So this was not really an academic requirement. The kids were supposed to create some type of artwork be it a poem, drawing, painting, musical composition, etc. Both boys were doing a photographic collage. The artwork was due on a Wednesday. My husband died three days later on Saturday. The boys handed in their entries on the Wednesday due date.
But my oldest son's teacher rewarded those students who handed in their entries early, on Monday, by giving them a Krispy Kreme Donut. We had been at the hospital the whole weekend. I'd planned all along to hand in the entries on the day due. And now looking back I can't even believe that I just didn't have the sense to say the hell with the whole, silly art competition in the first place. Trust me - we had enough on our plates. I should mention that the school was aware of our situation and I had spoken personally to the teachers, staff and principal.
Going back to this story, because my son hadn't turned in his art work early, he did not get a donut. Nor did a handful of other classmates who all happened to be minority kids and/or the ones living in the apartments. I was pretty outraged at the time. My son did feel hurt - he was left out - and he was publicly excluded. The sad part of this whole story is that those excluded kids all handed in their projects by the due date. They just didn't get them completed early.
I think this situation just demonstrated to me that the world really doesn't give a darn about what is going on in your life. We still need to play by the rules put in place. And usually those rules don't allow for any type of adjustment, even if one is struggling or dealing with major life calamities. For a while I contemplated talking to the teacher and principal about this but after my husband died, the importance of the matter took a back seat. I guess it is still important though because I am reflecting on it now, years later. And I wish I had said something when the time would have been right. At least now I am verbal and do speak up when a situation like this rears its ugly head.
So this was probably the first widowhood lesson I received. That we have to try and fit into a world that just keeps buzzing by. Picture a train pulling into a station without really stopping. We have to jump on. No one is slowing down for us or making any concessions about our new lives. This teacher didn't even have the compassion, sense or decency to think about why this little group of 10-year-olds hadn't been able to hand in their art projects early. One's father was dying.
We're already living on borrowed time and energy. We're doing the job that used to be handled by two. We're trying to figure out the rules, find our way and stumble onward. Instead of care and sympathy, I have largely encountered criticism for grieving too long, making mistakes or the wrong decisions and not being able to keep up the pace. So not only do we not get any breaks but we don't get recognition or encouragement for trying our best to fit into a new and alien world.
I believe I ended up buying a box, maybe two of Krispy Kreme Donuts for my sons but I don't really remember. It seems like something I would have done so I'll go with that image. But I'm sure that the extra treat didn't lessen the sting of being publicly excluded. All for reasons beyond my son's control.
Today I am grateful:
1. For wind chimes.
2. For candles.
3. For paper.
4. For books.
5. For pens.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Old Man Winter Blues
It was just so cold yesterday when I went out in the morning to face the blowing snow to clean off the van so I could take the boys to school. Instead of feeling energized and uplifted after surviving the record-breaking snowfall, I felt dispirited and defeated. What did it matter? So I got through one storm. Now there was the bitter cold to face. And some more snow on the way besides.
I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.
An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.
That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.
I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.
Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Today I am grateful:
1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.
I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.
An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.
That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.
I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.
Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Today I am grateful:
1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Weary Winter Widowhood
We are under a winter storm advisory for the next 40 hours! This morning wasn't too bad dropping the boys off at school, although there was an accident near the high school. There always seem to be those on days like this. Poor, inexperienced teen drivers going off the road and hitting the signs of businesses. This car's whole front end was crushed.
As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"
Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!
Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.
The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.
I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!
I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!
Today I am grateful:
1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.
As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"
Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!
Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.
The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.
I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!
I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!
Today I am grateful:
1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Bacon That Got Away
Melaka very kindly responded to my last post by suggesting I check out the Angel Food Ministries at www.angelfoodministries.com. I had not heard of this organization. They have local host sites that package fresh foods which you order online in advance and then pickup on a certain date. There is a menu for each month and it looks like you need to place your order by mid-month to be able to pick up your selections by the end of the month. There are great deals on meat packages (approx. $32.00 a box) but because we do not eat beef it would not be beneficial for me to order one. So I checked out the fresh fruit and vegetables. Here is this month's box at a cost of $22.00:
3 lbs. oranges
2 lbs. red delicious apples
1 lb. plums
4 pears
4 Fuji apples
2 grapefruit
6 small boxes rasins
3 lbs. red potatoes
2 lbs. onions
1 head green cabbage
1 lb. baby carrots
1 lb. dried pinto beans
I decided to go to my local ALDI and see what the cost of the same items would be there to see if it would be worth placing an online order. ALDI had everything but the cabbage and Fuji apples. They also had bigger quantities - a 4 lb. bag of oranges, 3 lbs. of red delicious apples, 5 lbs. of red potatoes, 2 lbs. of tangerines instead of just four. Substitituting a head of cauliflower for the cabbage and not including the Fuji apples, the total cost of these items not including tax was $18.74!
Shopping at ALDI is what is saving me at this point. I only go to the "regular" grocery store if they have a good special. The regular store also has a section in their meat dept. where they put the items that are close to code. That is how I get all our meat. On Friday I got 2 packages of turkey burgers, then one each of turkey tenerloins, turkey cutlets and turkey Italian sausage for just $5.00 or 99 cents a package. I try to stop by every day just to see what may be available for 99 cents. Once I passed on a package of bacon because I try to limit our processed foods. But I kept kicking myself for passing on it because I could have put it in the freezer. Now I tell myself that whenever I see a deal too good to pass up to get it. I'll throw it in the freezer.
I have found that our local dollar store sells bread for 50 cents a loaf, as well as hamburger and hot dog buns. I got a loaf of white, wheat and hamburger buns this weekend. I checked out the bakery on the back label. Turns out the bread is from the famous Chicago bakery, Gonnella! What a find. This bread is really good quality. Who would have ever thought that I'd get so excited over a 50 cent load of bread.
I've also discovered another store that markets to an ethnic population. They have discounted bakery items and fruits and vegetables too. Like a large package of apples, oranges and pears for just 99 cents. At the regular store they have a special now on General Mills cereal, four boxes for $5.00. I got four on Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas here. The boys were so happy to have brandname cereal to eat. I ended up having cereal for dinner this weekend when the boys were out and it was a wonderful treat. I am going back for four more boxes.
I've been baking muffins and cookies to supplement our soup and sandwich dinners. They seem to make up for the budget stretching. I have rediscoverd that box of Bisquick and have just baked one of my favorite comfort food recipes - the crumb coffee cake with the brown sugar and cinnamon topping. Yummy.
I am proud of my thriftiness and creativity in the kitchen. If there is anything positive that has come out of my financial distress it is that I no longer take money and shopping for granted. Before widowhood, I'd go to the regular grocery store and fill my cart with whatever I wanted. I didn't clip coupons but by the same token I didn't go overboard. We were never an extravagant steak-eating family. I shopped the sales. But I never worried about writing the check to pay the bill. And there was waste with fresh food items often being thrown out or leftovers not being saved. I will never go back to that mindset. A loaf of bread has become dear and I long for the day I'll find another 99 cent package of bacon. This time I am going to grab it before it gets away!
Fun, Easy, Cheap Cookie Recipe - Best Served After Budget Dinner Leaves Kids Hungry For A Treat - Great With Large Glasses of Filling Milk
Fudge Crinkles (Betty Crocker)
1 box Devil's Food Cake Mix
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla
powdered sugar
Mix all ingredients except powdered sugar. Shape dough into one inch-balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Place balls two inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. (I redipped the baked cookies in more powder sugar because they needed it after baking).
Today I am grateful:
1. For ALDI grocery stores.
2. For store brand labels that I can use instead of namebrands at less cost.
3. For all the 99 cent meat specials I find because they let me afford meat - please keep them coming my way.
4. For programs like the Angel Food Ministries that realize folks need and deserve affordable fresh food items and more than canned goods.
5. For the bacon that got away because it taught me the value of getting a deal and not passing on another one in the future.
3 lbs. oranges
2 lbs. red delicious apples
1 lb. plums
4 pears
4 Fuji apples
2 grapefruit
6 small boxes rasins
3 lbs. red potatoes
2 lbs. onions
1 head green cabbage
1 lb. baby carrots
1 lb. dried pinto beans
I decided to go to my local ALDI and see what the cost of the same items would be there to see if it would be worth placing an online order. ALDI had everything but the cabbage and Fuji apples. They also had bigger quantities - a 4 lb. bag of oranges, 3 lbs. of red delicious apples, 5 lbs. of red potatoes, 2 lbs. of tangerines instead of just four. Substitituting a head of cauliflower for the cabbage and not including the Fuji apples, the total cost of these items not including tax was $18.74!
Shopping at ALDI is what is saving me at this point. I only go to the "regular" grocery store if they have a good special. The regular store also has a section in their meat dept. where they put the items that are close to code. That is how I get all our meat. On Friday I got 2 packages of turkey burgers, then one each of turkey tenerloins, turkey cutlets and turkey Italian sausage for just $5.00 or 99 cents a package. I try to stop by every day just to see what may be available for 99 cents. Once I passed on a package of bacon because I try to limit our processed foods. But I kept kicking myself for passing on it because I could have put it in the freezer. Now I tell myself that whenever I see a deal too good to pass up to get it. I'll throw it in the freezer.
I have found that our local dollar store sells bread for 50 cents a loaf, as well as hamburger and hot dog buns. I got a loaf of white, wheat and hamburger buns this weekend. I checked out the bakery on the back label. Turns out the bread is from the famous Chicago bakery, Gonnella! What a find. This bread is really good quality. Who would have ever thought that I'd get so excited over a 50 cent load of bread.
I've also discovered another store that markets to an ethnic population. They have discounted bakery items and fruits and vegetables too. Like a large package of apples, oranges and pears for just 99 cents. At the regular store they have a special now on General Mills cereal, four boxes for $5.00. I got four on Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas here. The boys were so happy to have brandname cereal to eat. I ended up having cereal for dinner this weekend when the boys were out and it was a wonderful treat. I am going back for four more boxes.
I've been baking muffins and cookies to supplement our soup and sandwich dinners. They seem to make up for the budget stretching. I have rediscoverd that box of Bisquick and have just baked one of my favorite comfort food recipes - the crumb coffee cake with the brown sugar and cinnamon topping. Yummy.
I am proud of my thriftiness and creativity in the kitchen. If there is anything positive that has come out of my financial distress it is that I no longer take money and shopping for granted. Before widowhood, I'd go to the regular grocery store and fill my cart with whatever I wanted. I didn't clip coupons but by the same token I didn't go overboard. We were never an extravagant steak-eating family. I shopped the sales. But I never worried about writing the check to pay the bill. And there was waste with fresh food items often being thrown out or leftovers not being saved. I will never go back to that mindset. A loaf of bread has become dear and I long for the day I'll find another 99 cent package of bacon. This time I am going to grab it before it gets away!
Fun, Easy, Cheap Cookie Recipe - Best Served After Budget Dinner Leaves Kids Hungry For A Treat - Great With Large Glasses of Filling Milk
Fudge Crinkles (Betty Crocker)
1 box Devil's Food Cake Mix
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 t. vanilla
powdered sugar
Mix all ingredients except powdered sugar. Shape dough into one inch-balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Place balls two inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes at 350. (I redipped the baked cookies in more powder sugar because they needed it after baking).
Today I am grateful:
1. For ALDI grocery stores.
2. For store brand labels that I can use instead of namebrands at less cost.
3. For all the 99 cent meat specials I find because they let me afford meat - please keep them coming my way.
4. For programs like the Angel Food Ministries that realize folks need and deserve affordable fresh food items and more than canned goods.
5. For the bacon that got away because it taught me the value of getting a deal and not passing on another one in the future.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Presents With Ribbons And Bows
It was such a pleasant fair weather day yesterday. I felt good and more in control as I drove to a neighboring town to fill out a job application. The sun was out. The snow on the ground was fresh and pretty. It wasn't frigidly cold. I stopped into a bakery cafe for a quick restroom stop. Instead of feeling down that I couldn't pick up a pastry, I admired the mini cupcakes they had featured for Valentine's Day and the gas fireplace that was lit. I love fireplaces and told myself that I'll revisit this cafe with a book in the future. I'll treat myself to a hot tea and pastry while sitting in the little alcove around the fireplace.
It is productive for me to get out and about. Having been a stay-at-home widowed mom for much of my widowhood, I know firsthand how easy it is to feel isolated very quickly. Seeing the people having lunch at the cafe made me feel connected to the larger world. Everyone seemed to have a spring in their weary winter steps because of the break in the weather. I felt energized just being in the hustle and bustle of the world. That will be a very positive aspect of going back to work for me - to have more involvement with the outside world. To interact again with people on a broader scale.
But those reactions were only part of my story yesterday. There was the part that felt connected and energized - the outside part of me. And then the inner, private part. As I made the half hour drive to the other town, I observed all the nice winter scenery shining in the sunlight while an inner dialogue was going on. For some reason my inner train of thought centered on the topic of presents and gifts. I'm not sure why or how I was focused on this. But my thoughts included feeling sad that in my widowhood I haven't received many gifts. Gifts wrapped in a box with paper and a bow on top. Gifts someone took the time to choose and then present specifically to me in honor of a special occasion.
In those first days, weeks and months of widowhood you never think of the little losses that will come up in the future. Who would ever imagine that there would be a sense of missing something because as the years go by, unless you buy something for yourself, no one presents you with a gift. When you have younger children, you can't expect them to go out and get you gifts. Your spouse was the one who took the kids to the store to choose Mother's Day or birthday gifts for you.
I know in the grand scheme of life this is trivial. But it is still one of those factors of widowhood that has impacted me, even in a small way. And yesterday I was just missing the whole gift giving aspect of life. I suppose it is one of those simple pleasures we take for granted until it just doesn't happen for us anymore. We miss it because it is no longer there, we can no longer count on it, nor do we even expect it. Is it essential for our ultimate happiness? No. But it is sure nice to receive a heartfelt gift presented to us in love. I personally miss that simple pleasure. This may not be as big a deal to others out there but it is one of smaller losses borne out of the death of my husband that has touched me.
Reflecting on all of this makes me even more cognizant of just how complicated and far-reaching widowhood impacts us. I would never have understood this in my early days of widowhood. It is only since the years have passed by that I can see how the loss of a spouse has affected me and my life on so many levels, in such a multitude of ways, many unexpected and surprising. I walk this walk with such respect and admiration for those who join me in my journey. And I am so grateful for those who read these posts and truly understand where I am coming from. Unless you have lived this, it is very hard to imagine how the loss of a spouse permeates almost every aspect of our days. Unless you haven't received gifts, it is hard to imagine how much you would miss them when they are absent. It is hard to imagine how all of these little losses pile up until they look and feel like that small mountain of dirty snow at the back of parking lot at the grocery store.
Anyway, this whole gift/present theme was playing out in my head as I drove around. I kept seeing pictures of prettily wrapped gifts in my head. And then I kind of imagined my whole grief stricken life as a present. Inside the box are my grief issues: childhood/family hardships; death of my husband; death of my Mom; divorce from second husband; loss of home and even most recently the out-of-state move of the man I've been involved with. To top off those issues is a big, bright and shiny bow representing the financial difficulties we are currently facing. This is the box I carry around with me everyday.
On a more positive note, I stopped by a local antique shop for a browse after completing the job application. It was on the route home anyway and I felt the need for a pick-me-up. As I left, the owner requested that I fill out a raffle ticket for a drawing they are having at the end of the month. In January, the winner received a cute tea cup and saucer. This month's prize is a crystal pitcher vase. I wasn't smitten with the vase - crystal isn't my thing and I was going to decline. But then I changed my mind. If I won the raffle it would be like receiving a gift, and an unexpected one besides. I can see the pitcher right now filled with some fresh cut flowers!
Today I am grateful:
1. For the HUGE flock of geese I saw on the lake at the forest preserve.
2. For fireplaces.
3. For yesterday's fair winter weather.
4. For the antique shops that have managed to remain open - so many have had to close.
5. For all the presents I've received in the past. You better believe that any I receive in the future will be truly appreciated and I'll try not to complain. In other words, I'll be grateful for any presents coming into my life, even if the color/design isn't one I'd have chosen.
It is productive for me to get out and about. Having been a stay-at-home widowed mom for much of my widowhood, I know firsthand how easy it is to feel isolated very quickly. Seeing the people having lunch at the cafe made me feel connected to the larger world. Everyone seemed to have a spring in their weary winter steps because of the break in the weather. I felt energized just being in the hustle and bustle of the world. That will be a very positive aspect of going back to work for me - to have more involvement with the outside world. To interact again with people on a broader scale.
But those reactions were only part of my story yesterday. There was the part that felt connected and energized - the outside part of me. And then the inner, private part. As I made the half hour drive to the other town, I observed all the nice winter scenery shining in the sunlight while an inner dialogue was going on. For some reason my inner train of thought centered on the topic of presents and gifts. I'm not sure why or how I was focused on this. But my thoughts included feeling sad that in my widowhood I haven't received many gifts. Gifts wrapped in a box with paper and a bow on top. Gifts someone took the time to choose and then present specifically to me in honor of a special occasion.
In those first days, weeks and months of widowhood you never think of the little losses that will come up in the future. Who would ever imagine that there would be a sense of missing something because as the years go by, unless you buy something for yourself, no one presents you with a gift. When you have younger children, you can't expect them to go out and get you gifts. Your spouse was the one who took the kids to the store to choose Mother's Day or birthday gifts for you.
I know in the grand scheme of life this is trivial. But it is still one of those factors of widowhood that has impacted me, even in a small way. And yesterday I was just missing the whole gift giving aspect of life. I suppose it is one of those simple pleasures we take for granted until it just doesn't happen for us anymore. We miss it because it is no longer there, we can no longer count on it, nor do we even expect it. Is it essential for our ultimate happiness? No. But it is sure nice to receive a heartfelt gift presented to us in love. I personally miss that simple pleasure. This may not be as big a deal to others out there but it is one of smaller losses borne out of the death of my husband that has touched me.
Reflecting on all of this makes me even more cognizant of just how complicated and far-reaching widowhood impacts us. I would never have understood this in my early days of widowhood. It is only since the years have passed by that I can see how the loss of a spouse has affected me and my life on so many levels, in such a multitude of ways, many unexpected and surprising. I walk this walk with such respect and admiration for those who join me in my journey. And I am so grateful for those who read these posts and truly understand where I am coming from. Unless you have lived this, it is very hard to imagine how the loss of a spouse permeates almost every aspect of our days. Unless you haven't received gifts, it is hard to imagine how much you would miss them when they are absent. It is hard to imagine how all of these little losses pile up until they look and feel like that small mountain of dirty snow at the back of parking lot at the grocery store.
Anyway, this whole gift/present theme was playing out in my head as I drove around. I kept seeing pictures of prettily wrapped gifts in my head. And then I kind of imagined my whole grief stricken life as a present. Inside the box are my grief issues: childhood/family hardships; death of my husband; death of my Mom; divorce from second husband; loss of home and even most recently the out-of-state move of the man I've been involved with. To top off those issues is a big, bright and shiny bow representing the financial difficulties we are currently facing. This is the box I carry around with me everyday.
On a more positive note, I stopped by a local antique shop for a browse after completing the job application. It was on the route home anyway and I felt the need for a pick-me-up. As I left, the owner requested that I fill out a raffle ticket for a drawing they are having at the end of the month. In January, the winner received a cute tea cup and saucer. This month's prize is a crystal pitcher vase. I wasn't smitten with the vase - crystal isn't my thing and I was going to decline. But then I changed my mind. If I won the raffle it would be like receiving a gift, and an unexpected one besides. I can see the pitcher right now filled with some fresh cut flowers!
Today I am grateful:
1. For the HUGE flock of geese I saw on the lake at the forest preserve.
2. For fireplaces.
3. For yesterday's fair winter weather.
4. For the antique shops that have managed to remain open - so many have had to close.
5. For all the presents I've received in the past. You better believe that any I receive in the future will be truly appreciated and I'll try not to complain. In other words, I'll be grateful for any presents coming into my life, even if the color/design isn't one I'd have chosen.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Snickers Bar Instead Of A Hug
I'm needing emotional support, encouragement and just plain someone to take over the reigns for a minute or two. But where does someone like me, the only adult in the home and parent to two male teens get some of that?
I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.
I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.
Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.
What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.
Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.
Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.
I knew not seeing Sam this weekend would emotionally set me back. I don't think he fully realizes as do others who haven't lost a spouse, just how depleting living alone (without another adult in the home) can be. I needed to be with Sam to emotionally recharge, feel wanted, desired, and share adult conversation in person.
I'm concentrating on the job search right now which is a drain. You have to pump yourself up and board that train of optimism. But then when you get home there isn't anyone there to pat your back, give you a hug, provide a pep talk or rub your feet.
Snow showers on and off today. Worried about not being able to afford food. That $336.00 car repair bill and then the $95.00 needed for my son's overnight field trip killed the food budget. This may be the month I have to beg the boys to try and eat at their friend's houses. Having to carry this worry and dread around with me all day on my own adds to my tension and stress.
What can I say, what can I do but take a few moments to vent about my predicament here. I have to try and remain hopeful that I'll be hired for a job quickly. I applied at two places Monday but only one today because of the snow. I plan on hitting three places tomorrow. My goal is to physically apply at two places daily. I'm avoiding the on-line applications for now believing personal interaction will be more effective.
Part of me is trying to keep myself pumped by believing that I have great job skills, experience and education so eventually I'll find something. I will be a great asset to an employer. There is just this gun to my head with the reality that it is imperative I find a job quickly simply because I have to feed my sons. They are my sole responsibility. It all rests on my shoulders. Their care and well being along with my own.
Tonight there were no hugs or words of "It'll be okay." Instead I rummaged around in the old trick and treat candy and had a couple smashed in individual-sized Snickers bars. I would take the hug any day.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the Valentine Day's heart cutouts I saw on some doors and windows as decorations.
2. For the light dusting of snow that covered the ground and trees looking very pretty and serene.
3. For the smell of Noxema skin care cream.
4. For the turkey tenderloin roast I got for only $1.99.
5. For leftover Halloween candy worth one more look before tossing.
Monday, February 1, 2010
One Down, Eleven More To Go
Hooray! I made it through the longest and my least favorite month of the year - January.
January Poem by John Updike
The days are short,
The sun is a spark
Hung thin between
The dark and dark.
The snowy footsteps
Track the floor,
And parkas pile up
Near the door.
The river is
A frozen place
Held still beneath
The trees' black lace.
The sky is low.
The wind is gray.
The radiator
Purrs all day.
Updike sure got it right in describing the sun coming out in days between dark and dark! This month went more quickly than I expected. I never made any resolutions at the new year. Part of it was that I knew the early months of the year were going to be hard enough to get through. What was the point of piling on more pressure? I just read that we shouldn't make resolutions until the middle or end of the month anyway. After we've had a chance to let the dust stirred up from the holidays settle and a chance to reflect more consciously.
I am feeling somewhat energized just at the fact that I've made it through a bleak month financially without too much struggle. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.
Some January Accomplishments
1. Studied for, took and passed the CNA State Certification Exam.
2. Read five novels.
3. Started cleaning out the storage shed.
4. Made a cake and cookies. This is good for someone who loves to bake but hasn't been doing so in about a year.
5. Maintained a pretty optimistic attitude throughout the month despite hardships.
6. Helped the boys study for their finals.
7. Helped the boys settle back into school after their three-week absence.
8. Knit and gave two gift sets as thank you acknowledgments.
9. Made effort to spend more time on self-care than I have by giving myself mental health breaks and focusing on updating beauty routines.
10. Helping Sam out of a jam in regard to his mortgage payment.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the temperature won't be bitterly cold this week.
2. For my morning cup of tea.
3. For the honking call of geese.
4. For antibacterial wet wipes.
5. For oatmeal topped with brown sugar.
January Poem by John Updike
The days are short,
The sun is a spark
Hung thin between
The dark and dark.
The snowy footsteps
Track the floor,
And parkas pile up
Near the door.
The river is
A frozen place
Held still beneath
The trees' black lace.
The sky is low.
The wind is gray.
The radiator
Purrs all day.
Updike sure got it right in describing the sun coming out in days between dark and dark! This month went more quickly than I expected. I never made any resolutions at the new year. Part of it was that I knew the early months of the year were going to be hard enough to get through. What was the point of piling on more pressure? I just read that we shouldn't make resolutions until the middle or end of the month anyway. After we've had a chance to let the dust stirred up from the holidays settle and a chance to reflect more consciously.
I am feeling somewhat energized just at the fact that I've made it through a bleak month financially without too much struggle. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.
Some January Accomplishments
1. Studied for, took and passed the CNA State Certification Exam.
2. Read five novels.
3. Started cleaning out the storage shed.
4. Made a cake and cookies. This is good for someone who loves to bake but hasn't been doing so in about a year.
5. Maintained a pretty optimistic attitude throughout the month despite hardships.
6. Helped the boys study for their finals.
7. Helped the boys settle back into school after their three-week absence.
8. Knit and gave two gift sets as thank you acknowledgments.
9. Made effort to spend more time on self-care than I have by giving myself mental health breaks and focusing on updating beauty routines.
10. Helping Sam out of a jam in regard to his mortgage payment.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the temperature won't be bitterly cold this week.
2. For my morning cup of tea.
3. For the honking call of geese.
4. For antibacterial wet wipes.
5. For oatmeal topped with brown sugar.
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