Yesterday, I went to a job fair and was hired on the spot for a mental health counseling position. The job is great and think I'd do it well and enjoy it besides. But there are a number of problems with it (of course). For one, the job is not considered permanent or full time - it is a fill in job for employees who call in sick, are on leave or vacation. I'd also have to be filling in for all three shifts because it is a hospital unit so that means overnight hours. The job is in Chicago and living in the suburbs I prefer suburban locations because I am more familiar with my neck of the woods. Plus there are no benefits including insurance, although the hourly pay is not bad. For me, the real difficulty with the job has to do with being on call and not knowing what my hours would be on a week-to-week basis. My employer cannot make me any kind of guarantee as to how much I'd actually be working. I think they anticipate I'd have hours but the thought of being called two hours before I'm supposed to go in is more than I can bear right now. Also, I do not feel comfortable leaving my boys on their own overnight.
Right now what I am craving and know that I need is structure and stability. I need to know what my work hours are so I can plan my life and effectively parent my boys. I'd have no problem taking a job like this if there was someone at home to help hold down the fort but I am on my own and I have to take this into consideration. A lot of this has to do with the tremendous amount of unpredictability I've faced in the past years. First there was my husband's illness and the constant, up and down not knowing if the treatments would work or if he was going to die. Then with my remarriage my new husband was always threatening me with divorce so there was that roller coaster and the eventual divorce. In between these events were many involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's death and my son's diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (potentially fatal heart arrhythmia).
After getting the job offer I went and talked with Human Resources and explained my situation ("widow card") and that I'd prefer a suburban location. The HR Head said she'd see about another position and we left my acceptance on hold. She is supposed to call back today. When I left the job fair I burst into tears after reaching the safety of my car and had a good, long cry. I asked the Universe what it wants me to do here. I want and need a job but I am not willing to keep adding to the instability of my life by working a job that will bring that to me. I talked with a couple of friends and got the typical responses - about how I need to try and make this work and somehow arrange my life so it can fit around this job. My two male friends glossed over my concern about leaving the boys on their own overnight.
I'm trying to remain strong here and do the right thing for all of us. It is more challenging for someone like me to work out the details of a new job. I can't just take whatever is offered because there are too many ramifications. It would actually be easier to just take the job because that is what everyone else seems to think is the best thing. But it is harder to stand up for what I believe is better (and not the popular opinion) and that would be not taking this job because I do not want the upheaval it would being to our lives on a daily basis. So the widow not only has a harder life but then she is not supported for making the decisions she feels are the right ones to make. I'd say this is a pretty good example of damned if you do, damned if you don't, or at least that is how it feels to me.
About my boys - I don't care what anyone thinks or says. As an only parent it is up to me to make the decisions regarding their health, well being and welfare. I only know too well what can happen (and plenty of bad things happen). So if I error on the side of caution so be it. Better safe than sorry and it is one of the few things I do have a small amount of control over. But how frustrating to always be criticized for being an overly protective parent. And what about my safety besides? No one seems to consider the risk I may have driving into Chicago on my own at night. I just think I'm expected to always be some superwoman and I've reached a point where I'm saying "no." I have limitations, I can only be stretched so far. My life was ripped out from under me, I'm trying to move on as best I can and now the least I deserve is respect for the careful decisions I make because I think they are what is best. And if others can't or won't give me that, then I'll have to be strong and give it to myself because I know it is right.
Yesterday, I felt so defeated and exhausted. I felt like giving up on life and living - just throwing my hands up and admitting defeat.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Volleyball Roster
My oldest son just brought home his JV Volleyball roster listing the names of his teammates and their parents. There are twelve players and he is the only one to not have both a mom and dad listed. When I saw this reality in black and white it made me feel very sad - for both my son and me. On a fairly regular basis evidence of my widowhood pop up and I am always struck by how strongly it impacts me. I don't think there is ever a day that goes by where I don't internally acknowledge my widowhood but when the signs come at me in black and white it is like a double whammy. Yet another reminder (this time visual) of the situation.
There was blog talk a few days ago about "widow cards." I think it is absolutely amazing and creative that one widow actually created "widow cards" to pass out to people! Visualization can be better understood sometimes than trying to explain to someone verbally. This got me to think that I should copy this roster for the next time someone (usually married) gives me a hard time when I mention how tough things can be. I'll whip out this copy from my purse and say, "Try and understand how hard it is to keep on going with a smile on your face and hope in your heart when you're doing it on your own among a sea of two-parent households!"
There was blog talk a few days ago about "widow cards." I think it is absolutely amazing and creative that one widow actually created "widow cards" to pass out to people! Visualization can be better understood sometimes than trying to explain to someone verbally. This got me to think that I should copy this roster for the next time someone (usually married) gives me a hard time when I mention how tough things can be. I'll whip out this copy from my purse and say, "Try and understand how hard it is to keep on going with a smile on your face and hope in your heart when you're doing it on your own among a sea of two-parent households!"
Awful Accountant
In honor of tax season, I am posting about my accountant. He was sexually inappropriate with me last year and now that I am divorced, his actions have escalated and include physical contact. I am feeling angry, exploited, disrespected and vulnerable. The fact that I've paid him a lot of money adds insult to injury because I feel as though I've actually paid for this abuse!
I have great trouble standing up for myself and part of my hesitation in this case is that I need to keep on good terms with him because he knows my financial history and would have to intervene with the IRS if necessary in the future. It is too late and costly to go to someone else. Why I thought things would be different this year, I now don't know. I guess this helps prove that theory that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe he has a knack for hitting on vulnerable women? I put the matter behind me last year after I reconciled with Husband #2 and he came in with me to the office - the accountant sure behaved himself when Husband #2 was with me!
The latest in this saga was yesterday when the accountant wanted me to pick up my completed return at his home. All I want is to have a strictly business/professional relationship with the guy. Here I am again in another situation that forces me to do something that is outside my comfort zone and makes me extremely anxious. More hassle in an already hassle-packed life!
What I am realizing about all this is that the strongest feelings I am experiencing have to do with not having a man in my life to protect me from all this. It is not the feelings of abuse or anger that are top here. Instead, I am feeling vulnerable with a victim mentality. I am feeling like as a widow, I am even more at risk for being taken advantage of. Along with those feelings are the ones that if I were still married, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this - so it is just more punishment for my situation.
For me, the hardest part of widowhood is and has been not having a husband by my side. I just don't want to face life alone (especially the hardships and conflicts). I know couples have to face both individual and joint difficulties, but in my mind anything is more bearable if you're married. It is what is most important to me. I don't want to deny that but to face it in hopes that it will help me understand myself and my actions better. To me, marriage represents safety, security and stability and part of me believes that I won't have these unless I am married.
Bottom line though - I'm not married and I have to face a crummy situation on my own. One that involves standing up for myself so my dignity and honor remain intact. There's no knight coming in on a horse to defend me on this one. I know that would be the easy way out, but maybe just once or twice here I'd like to have that happen. To be taken care of instead of doing all the caring, day in and day out for both myself and the boys.
Today I am grateful:
1. For my boys. I need to stay focused on the knowledge that as long as they are healthy and whole, my world is complete as it is.
2. For books - my strength and refuge.
3. For Barnes & Noble and Borders. I could probably live my life without another new outfit but could not say the same about a new book to read.
4. For bagels - maybe the perfect comfort food because they can be considered a healthier indulgence.
5. For brides and the wedding season and all that marriage represents. Even though my marriages did not end as I'd hoped, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been a bride.
I have great trouble standing up for myself and part of my hesitation in this case is that I need to keep on good terms with him because he knows my financial history and would have to intervene with the IRS if necessary in the future. It is too late and costly to go to someone else. Why I thought things would be different this year, I now don't know. I guess this helps prove that theory that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe he has a knack for hitting on vulnerable women? I put the matter behind me last year after I reconciled with Husband #2 and he came in with me to the office - the accountant sure behaved himself when Husband #2 was with me!
The latest in this saga was yesterday when the accountant wanted me to pick up my completed return at his home. All I want is to have a strictly business/professional relationship with the guy. Here I am again in another situation that forces me to do something that is outside my comfort zone and makes me extremely anxious. More hassle in an already hassle-packed life!
What I am realizing about all this is that the strongest feelings I am experiencing have to do with not having a man in my life to protect me from all this. It is not the feelings of abuse or anger that are top here. Instead, I am feeling vulnerable with a victim mentality. I am feeling like as a widow, I am even more at risk for being taken advantage of. Along with those feelings are the ones that if I were still married, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this - so it is just more punishment for my situation.
For me, the hardest part of widowhood is and has been not having a husband by my side. I just don't want to face life alone (especially the hardships and conflicts). I know couples have to face both individual and joint difficulties, but in my mind anything is more bearable if you're married. It is what is most important to me. I don't want to deny that but to face it in hopes that it will help me understand myself and my actions better. To me, marriage represents safety, security and stability and part of me believes that I won't have these unless I am married.
Bottom line though - I'm not married and I have to face a crummy situation on my own. One that involves standing up for myself so my dignity and honor remain intact. There's no knight coming in on a horse to defend me on this one. I know that would be the easy way out, but maybe just once or twice here I'd like to have that happen. To be taken care of instead of doing all the caring, day in and day out for both myself and the boys.
Today I am grateful:
1. For my boys. I need to stay focused on the knowledge that as long as they are healthy and whole, my world is complete as it is.
2. For books - my strength and refuge.
3. For Barnes & Noble and Borders. I could probably live my life without another new outfit but could not say the same about a new book to read.
4. For bagels - maybe the perfect comfort food because they can be considered a healthier indulgence.
5. For brides and the wedding season and all that marriage represents. Even though my marriages did not end as I'd hoped, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been a bride.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Grief Time Limit
I had to take care of the taxes this past week and went to the accountant on Friday for my follow-up appointment. I cried as we reviewed my options and at one point I referred to my husband having died. My accountant sternly replied that since that was five years ago, it was old news and I needed to get over it. He then went on to give me that old familiar line that there have been lots of women widowed and somehow they manage to move on and survive. Somewhere in there too was the comment that if I have to downsize and move into an apartment so be it, that is what I have to do and I need to face it.
I had a lot of reactions to this exchange. First, that these are all things I've heard before plenty of times in my widowhood. I don't think my accountant wanted to be mean and was trying to be helpful. For the first time, I tried not to react or think defensively and to sit with his perspective and perhaps even benefit from it. Yes, I do need to face reality and move on (not only from my first husband's death but also the end of my remarriage).
But despite these positives, the main reaction I had to this exchange was the feeling that as a widow, I'm not even allowed to have the death of my husband as an explanation to what I am feeling or dealing with in my life because it has occurred in the past. It seems like after that first year or two we've used up our grief allotment and can no longer use it to justify where we are in our lives. I felt like I was even having my grief taken away from me.
Granted, the immediate death event is over. But what still remains are all the complications that resulted from that death in the realm of financial, housing, job and parenting responsibilities. I think these are referred to as secondary losses. So even though my husband died five years ago I am still dealing with and trying to cope with things that do directly result from his death. I'm not sure I'm explaining this well and maybe people who aren't in this situation wouldn't understand it. I guess what I could do next time would be to explain things more specifically - "I'm dealing with the financial repercussions resulting from my husband not having enough life insurance to allow me to pay off the mortgage when he died." It has just always been easier to say, "I wouldn't be in this position if my husband hadn't died." And in the end, really, why can't I have that? I've had everything else taken from me.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the taxes are done (still have to mail them but at least I know the damage isn't as severe as I'd been dreading).
2. That the boys seem to be hanging in there emotionally and socially.
3. That I'm in a much different place than when the divorce was first filed - that I've accomplished a lot of introspection and made some spiritual progress.
4. That I feel a little more hopeful and positive despite the obstacles that still loom ahead in our lives.
I had a lot of reactions to this exchange. First, that these are all things I've heard before plenty of times in my widowhood. I don't think my accountant wanted to be mean and was trying to be helpful. For the first time, I tried not to react or think defensively and to sit with his perspective and perhaps even benefit from it. Yes, I do need to face reality and move on (not only from my first husband's death but also the end of my remarriage).
But despite these positives, the main reaction I had to this exchange was the feeling that as a widow, I'm not even allowed to have the death of my husband as an explanation to what I am feeling or dealing with in my life because it has occurred in the past. It seems like after that first year or two we've used up our grief allotment and can no longer use it to justify where we are in our lives. I felt like I was even having my grief taken away from me.
Granted, the immediate death event is over. But what still remains are all the complications that resulted from that death in the realm of financial, housing, job and parenting responsibilities. I think these are referred to as secondary losses. So even though my husband died five years ago I am still dealing with and trying to cope with things that do directly result from his death. I'm not sure I'm explaining this well and maybe people who aren't in this situation wouldn't understand it. I guess what I could do next time would be to explain things more specifically - "I'm dealing with the financial repercussions resulting from my husband not having enough life insurance to allow me to pay off the mortgage when he died." It has just always been easier to say, "I wouldn't be in this position if my husband hadn't died." And in the end, really, why can't I have that? I've had everything else taken from me.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the taxes are done (still have to mail them but at least I know the damage isn't as severe as I'd been dreading).
2. That the boys seem to be hanging in there emotionally and socially.
3. That I'm in a much different place than when the divorce was first filed - that I've accomplished a lot of introspection and made some spiritual progress.
4. That I feel a little more hopeful and positive despite the obstacles that still loom ahead in our lives.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
More than a flat tire
My right rear tire on the van was flat when I left the house late Friday afternoon to pick up a pizza for the boys. A flat tire may not be a major catastrophe in the grand scheme of life but I think for those of us on our own that it is not a minor inconvenience either. This flat tire resulted in:
1. Not being able to get the Friday night cheap pizza special for dinner.
2. I had to come up with an alternate dinner plan.
3. Worry on Fri. night about how I'd get the tire repaired.
4. Time spent Fri. afternoon talking to the tire store about towing, new tire cost, etc.
5. Money and time spent picking up fix-a-flat.
6. More money spent than planned for the boys' alternate dinner.
7. Worry Sat. a.m. about using fix-a-flat (which I've never used) and concern about driving the van to the tire store.
8. Two hours of time spent at tire store.
9. Was not able to pick-up the college kids that were supposed to come over at 8:00 a.m. to rake the yard so lost out on a low cost option to have the yard spruced up and will now need to do it on my own. (The local college comes out in Spring and Fall for community work day so this was it for this season!)
10. The extra cost of having to replace the tire.
11. My discomfort in having to handle a "guy job" which I do not find fun and really have no interest in doing.
I think that what I was feeling during this situation that again, it just demonstrates how certain events become bigger than they really are when living and handling them on your own. If my husband were alive, we'd have been able to still get the pizza and to have the college kids come over because there would be an extra car to rely on. Granted, it would have still been an annoyance, but a far lesser one than when handled alone.
To be fair, I will try and list the positives of this situation as well:
1. Learned about fix-a-flat which I had not known about.
2. Successfully used fix-a-flat and saved on the towing expense.
3. Handled the situation and got it done without tears, anger or too much self-pity.
4. Cut a deal with the tire store (since I'd just gotten two tires replaced in January) to add replacement insurance coverage on all four tires for a nominal cost.
Today I am grateful:
1. For my ultimate favorite comfort food - donuts. And I have indulged in some this weekend in part because of feeling down about the tire.
2. That the tire became flat in the driveway instead of on the road someplace far away from home.
3. That it was just a flat tire.
1. Not being able to get the Friday night cheap pizza special for dinner.
2. I had to come up with an alternate dinner plan.
3. Worry on Fri. night about how I'd get the tire repaired.
4. Time spent Fri. afternoon talking to the tire store about towing, new tire cost, etc.
5. Money and time spent picking up fix-a-flat.
6. More money spent than planned for the boys' alternate dinner.
7. Worry Sat. a.m. about using fix-a-flat (which I've never used) and concern about driving the van to the tire store.
8. Two hours of time spent at tire store.
9. Was not able to pick-up the college kids that were supposed to come over at 8:00 a.m. to rake the yard so lost out on a low cost option to have the yard spruced up and will now need to do it on my own. (The local college comes out in Spring and Fall for community work day so this was it for this season!)
10. The extra cost of having to replace the tire.
11. My discomfort in having to handle a "guy job" which I do not find fun and really have no interest in doing.
I think that what I was feeling during this situation that again, it just demonstrates how certain events become bigger than they really are when living and handling them on your own. If my husband were alive, we'd have been able to still get the pizza and to have the college kids come over because there would be an extra car to rely on. Granted, it would have still been an annoyance, but a far lesser one than when handled alone.
To be fair, I will try and list the positives of this situation as well:
1. Learned about fix-a-flat which I had not known about.
2. Successfully used fix-a-flat and saved on the towing expense.
3. Handled the situation and got it done without tears, anger or too much self-pity.
4. Cut a deal with the tire store (since I'd just gotten two tires replaced in January) to add replacement insurance coverage on all four tires for a nominal cost.
Today I am grateful:
1. For my ultimate favorite comfort food - donuts. And I have indulged in some this weekend in part because of feeling down about the tire.
2. That the tire became flat in the driveway instead of on the road someplace far away from home.
3. That it was just a flat tire.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I can't erase my phone messages
I need to clear some messages from my cell phone because there is no room for people to leave new ones. The problem is that I have great difficulty deleting messages once they are left. This started right after my husband died. I was so struck by the fact that I'd never hear his voice again that I became paranoid about deleting messages, especially from loved ones. To solve the problem I eventually started taping my messages and then deleting them. I'd have a tape for close friends and family and another for acquaintances. That seemed to work for quite some time with the land line phone. I never tried to tape any messages from my cell. I just keep them until I have to delete them and when I do so it is very hard for me - if I never had to delete a message again I'd be happy.
What am I actually thinking here? I know deep down that my saving phone messages won't spare my loved ones from death but somehow part of me must believe that. It is like some misguided insurance policy I have bought into. Even though I know this is silly I still can't seem to stop. Just knowing I have the voices of my loved ones with me provides some kind of comfort.
I think that my distorted thought process just shows how greatly and deeply a death can affect us. My husband's death had a profound impact on me to the extent that I treasure phone messages because it is the voice of someone I love. How could I erase that? Especially because I know that some people aren't with us to ever listen to again.
What am I actually thinking here? I know deep down that my saving phone messages won't spare my loved ones from death but somehow part of me must believe that. It is like some misguided insurance policy I have bought into. Even though I know this is silly I still can't seem to stop. Just knowing I have the voices of my loved ones with me provides some kind of comfort.
I think that my distorted thought process just shows how greatly and deeply a death can affect us. My husband's death had a profound impact on me to the extent that I treasure phone messages because it is the voice of someone I love. How could I erase that? Especially because I know that some people aren't with us to ever listen to again.
DETOUR
Last night I was driving home and reached a point where the train tracks were down but no train was in sight. A few bold drivers went around the tracks and a few turned around but the majority continued to sit there. I was impatient because I had to get home to the boys before it got too late. Eventually, I turned around. It was dark and I was tired and in an unfamiliar area not that sure of an alternate route. But I knew the right direction to head home toward and some of the street names were familiar so it wasn't long before I was able to pick up the main road again having gone around the train tracks.
I thought about all this on my remaining ride home. How this is so much like a metaphor for being a widow. You're going through life as planned and suddenly this tragic obstacle presents itself. You didn't do anything wrong, nor do you deserve it - this hardship just happens. So you're left having to detour from that original and expected life plan. There are a number of roads to take but in the end you go with the one that seems best. Or maybe the first road you take is wrong so then you have to turnaround and try another one.
Last night's blocked train tracks required me to take a detour. Although I was a little worried and unsure of myself, I turned around and figured out where to go. In the end I made it home - a little later than planned, but I got home. And maybe for all of us in this situation, our lives have required us to have to take unexpected detours. Our lives may be more challenging and it might take us longer to get where we're going, but I think in the end, all of us will make it home.
As I opened the door to my home, I felt relieved and also proud of myself for not freaking out and doing what I had to do. It made me realize how infrequently I give myself credit for having to navigate through life's twists and turns brought on by widowhood. This is not the life I wanted or expected but it is my life. The gift of last night also showed me that even if it's not the way it's supposed to be, there is always another route available for us to follow.
Today I am grateful:
1. For people who stand by their commitments and do what they say they'll do.
2. For the opportunity to be a friend to others.
3. For life's lessons turning up in unexpected ways.
I thought about all this on my remaining ride home. How this is so much like a metaphor for being a widow. You're going through life as planned and suddenly this tragic obstacle presents itself. You didn't do anything wrong, nor do you deserve it - this hardship just happens. So you're left having to detour from that original and expected life plan. There are a number of roads to take but in the end you go with the one that seems best. Or maybe the first road you take is wrong so then you have to turnaround and try another one.
Last night's blocked train tracks required me to take a detour. Although I was a little worried and unsure of myself, I turned around and figured out where to go. In the end I made it home - a little later than planned, but I got home. And maybe for all of us in this situation, our lives have required us to have to take unexpected detours. Our lives may be more challenging and it might take us longer to get where we're going, but I think in the end, all of us will make it home.
As I opened the door to my home, I felt relieved and also proud of myself for not freaking out and doing what I had to do. It made me realize how infrequently I give myself credit for having to navigate through life's twists and turns brought on by widowhood. This is not the life I wanted or expected but it is my life. The gift of last night also showed me that even if it's not the way it's supposed to be, there is always another route available for us to follow.
Today I am grateful:
1. For people who stand by their commitments and do what they say they'll do.
2. For the opportunity to be a friend to others.
3. For life's lessons turning up in unexpected ways.
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