Surviving Middle-Aged Widowhood

Think Spring!

2012-01-25T19:05:00.001-08:00

It is hard to not long for Spring when we keep having plentiful days of above 30 degree weather. What a blessing this Winter has been compared to those of past years. There has only been limited snow and cold. I have come to dislike the Winter months because of the added burdens they bring to an only parent or one living alone without a full-grown adult in the household. These months of dark and cold are usually accompanied by mild depression as well.

It has been easier for me to just keep plugging/plodding away the past few weeks - to aim toward getting through what I consider the harshest month, January. I don't want to air my feelings of worry or anxiety. What good does that do except for the initial venting? So it is not to say that all is hunky dory in my neck of the woods (remember that old figure of speech?). But that I'm not out of the woods yet.

The number one thing I have determined that will bring some ease into my life is being free to move from this area to one of more affordability. And I can't do that just yet, so for now it is continuing to hang in there.

I remain focused on supporting my younger son through his final semester of high school. My plans to attend grad school for career updating have to be put on hold for a few more months. I wasn't aware of how costly it is to apply for grad school and get transcripts sent from the five colleges I attended. But that is okay. The focus here is finishing what I was bound and determined to do - enable both boys to graduate from their hometown high school and get admitted into decent colleges of their choice.

In just a few months, I will get back to the college application process for myself but I still have to work on the financial aid stuff for my sons and that takes priority right now. If this results in my having to start school a semester later than planned, I'll just take a bit of time off for myself, which isn't such a bad idea in the first place.

My regular nightmare (both asleep and awake) is a fear of losing my teeth. I've just come across an interpretation of that dream. It is closely tied with our basic, most primal needs for survival and the nightmare comes out when we are extremely stressed and fearful. The fact that I have this nightmare frequently reminds me that despite the month of January being a bit more mild, my life is still stressful. I think for many widows, a stressed life is pretty much the norm. And maybe when you stop and think about it, most of us lead stressed out lives, widowed or not. But of course, there are additional challenges faced by widows on top of everything else.

My oldest son sent me a text today saying that he had a good idea for a tattoo for me. I sent him a text back, curious as to what his idea was. He replied that I should get either the image of a Superwoman or just the word Superwoman. He then related that he had just written his fourth English paper of the semester and wrote it about me. As he said, "I called you Superwoman in my paper since you had to do so much stuff for us, so I think it would be a pretty appropriate tattoo haha."

It will be interesting to read his paper, which I asked him to email me. In the meantime, I'll stay the course and imagine myself, Superwoman cape and all, emerging with a flourish into the sunny Spring!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2012-01-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

My emotions were stirred up taking my oldest to the train station for his trip back to college for second semester. One semester, his first, already completed successfully! How quickly it went. Now he has started the new term, and for my youngest, it is his final semester of high school! Woo hoo!

If we could get through the first semester, then it makes sense that this second one will be gotten through too.

I decided to not drive my son back to school when his roommate called him mid-week to inquire when we'd be leaving. Another buddy also called with the same question. I asked my son how these boys would be getting back to school if I didn't drive. My son replied that they'd take the train. I felt somewhat upset that these young men were assuming I would be driving them all when they come from two-parent homes and can well afford the $70.00 gas price it would cost for the trip. I thought about the 8 long hours on the road, 4 on my own, in the cold January night. If the two-parent families weren't driving their sons back, heck no would I be driving them all back myself! It felt good to assert myself and put my widow foot down.

This start of second semester is a very significant moment for us as a family. It represents the final hurdle in the long and trying journey of an only parent focusing on getting her kids out of high school and onto their college careers. This is the turn in the road my eyes have been on the past 8 years. It means I can finally move to a more affordable location because I won't have to stay in this upper-middle-class suburb where my sons have been raised and where I wanted them to see their educations completed, pre-school through high school.

It is almost seen through! Almost over! Almost time for me to have an opportunity to go back to school for career updating; to not be so stressed about money (paying the rent); to maybe have the time and energy to devote to establishing new friendships; to maybe being able to take a weekend trip somewhere. Yippee! I can almost feel and taste my new life and all the good stuff lying ahead. How I wish we didn't have this final semester to go. I'd love to just be able to jump over, like a game piece, the next few months... But if I envision the next few months as a game board, then I can visualize each day completed as a step closer to May. Way back in August, I started the game and now am halfway there. The end of this chapter is in sight.

Believe

2012-01-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

I guess I will just keep posting via this blog rather than start up a new one for now, at least. Haven't felt much like posting the past week. Holiday letdown and also a bad case of PMS (yes, still at my age). My #1 goal for January is to try and be more positive for the new year. The PMS really did not get things off to a good start. But even with feeling a bit down and out and bluesy, as I get at this time, I DID make an effort to try and be more positive, so at least I am being more conscious of this goal.

I have been captivated by the word "Believe." It is really striking a chord with me. I am trying to make that word my focus for 2012. I'm not the only one inspired by this. Weight Watchers is using it for their advertising slogan.

Rather than make resolutions, I decided to make goals for each month. This month's are:

1. To pay more attention to better eating, overall health and pampering myself as I feel and look a bit drab these days. I would like to really lose some weight so come my son's high school graduation in late May, I can buy a new outfit. In fact, I'd like to have a mini makeover then to celebrate his success but also mine, at finally seeing both my boys off and away to college! I do not want to look in the mirror and wonder if I look "too fat." I want to look in the mirror and feel uplifted, joyful and WONDERFUL!

How am I doing after a week? Well, I've lost 5 pounds and am eating lots less now that the holidays are over. But am coming up way short on my goal of eating 2 fruit servings and 5 veggie servings a day. Usually, managing only 3 of veggies and 1 of fruit. I still feel drab and listless. That makeover is really needed!

2. To be more positive, as I related at the start of this post. I don't think it makes anything better to mope and complain. If things are bad, I want to say I feel sad right now. Acknowledge it but not dwell on it. Also, I can say "things are going to get better" rather than stay mired in the gloom.

How am I doing? Due to PMS not the best start. But I do try and reframe my negatives into positives.

3. In an effort to clear up and clean out my house in anticipation of moving this spring/summer, I want to try and get rid of 10 items a day. Get rid of means donate, recycle or toss.

How am I doing? I am laughing right now because with the exception of the first day I started my goals, Jan. 2nd, I have not managed to get rid of anything! Why? Well, lack of time, due to work and having both boys off for Winter Break. I know I need to make this a higher priority.

4. Knit through my stash of yarn (about three storage bags full). I am not allowing myself to obtain any new yarn until I knit through what I currently have.

How am I doing? This is the goal I am succeeding the best at. I have almost used up 24 ounces of cotton print yarn knitting a bath mat or rug - it is really cute. I have also knit two dishcloths and a kitchen towel. I am finding that knitting is really brightening up my mood. I have even awakened in the morning to realize that I was dreaming about knitting. I would like to create a couple wall hangings for my new home and continue to make some rugs.

5. To not purchase anything that is not necessary or needed.

How am I doing? Pretty well at this but I have gotten pretty good at living under reduced circumstances so this isn't that hard for me. I did restrain myself to only one 2012 datebook (half-price), although there was this really cute one with birds for the wall. Also, I refrained from picking up some half-price holiday ornaments/decorations at the dollar store. I figure I can pick some up next year when our financial situation it more stable.

That's it for this month. And maybe I'll keep these for February as well. Hope everyone had a meaningful holiday season or at least made it through in one piece. Also, hope all are starting out the new year with renewed spirits and belief in a positive and better 2012!

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T19:01:00.000-08:00

Isn't this bottle of bubbly cute? So appropriate for signifying the start of a new year. The past few days I have been reflecting on this year's end and the memories that stand out the greatest are so positive.

1. #1 highlight - I heard my son's original composition performed by a small orchestra at his high school graduation! How many moms get to have that as a memory? Pretty awesome!

2. Going to American Idol auditions with both sons for a mini vacation and with my oldest trying out as a contestant. Although he didn't make it past the first set of producer auditions it was fun to see how a reality show is really scripted and the time we spent together brought us closer together as a family.

3. My oldest had a great senior year of high school and I saw him perform on Chicago television, and at the Illinois State Fair in Springfield twice. Whoo hoo!

4. My youngest got accepted into the college of his choice and is having his own bang-up senior/final year.

5. My oldest made a smooth transition into college and did outstanding his first semester!

All the struggles and hardships of the past year happened and I felt them. But I feel the magic of my son's music more strongly than the painful memories. The pictures that float around in my mind are those of my tall, handsome young men at their dances or school events. Or at their jobs being polite, respectful and responsible employees. Does that mean good outshines the bad? Or that the positive has more power than the negative stuff?

As this year ends I will hold on to these memories in my heart. Funny how the difficult days I had to scramble through to come up with money for various bills have faded. At the time they seemed to overwhelm me. But I can see now that what is most important are those memories of family and love. And that even though there may have been a fair share of trying circumstances, what stands out at the end are good, happy, strong, vibrant and joyful memories. And I experienced a good share of them too!

Widow in Transition

2011-12-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

I saw these holiday snowflakes hung up at Home Depot and want to learn how to make them. So cute! That will be my fun resolution for January 2012.

Survived the holidays 2011. A better Christmas for us than seasons past. The boys had gifts from me but in the future I'd like to be able to get them more. Our little homemade tree ended up bringing me a whole lot of happiness throughout the month. Although I wished I could have purchased some decorating items, when all is said and done, my homemade decorations stole the show.

We spent Christmas at my girlfriend's as we have since my husband's death and her divorce. She has broadened her guest list to include other divorced women. I cooked some side dishes and cherry quick bread. And enjoyed the opportunity to have more than one alcoholic drink since my sons can drive. Back to work on Monday and this made me reflect on how widowhood is a lot like the day after the holidays. I felt a bit tired and wanted to have some time to relax and reflect. Many people were off on Monday. But I was scheduled to work. Going into work Monday morning felt like widowhood - not being able to have a break and some time off - being forced to be back at it again and again. Anyway, that is sometimes how widowhood feels to me. This relentless going on and on without a chance to get off the merry-go-round and regain my balance.

I heard someone else recently describe widowhood as having the rug pulled out from under you with the rug representing how your life was. You're left standing or down on the ground without the foundation that used to be supporting you having to either get up or regain your footing and then continue waking/living.

My sons are more kind than I. They believe that most people who haven't experienced widowhood simply can't comprehend what it is like to have the rug pulled out from under you. They forgive the people who say stupid or unfeeling things. I, on the other hand, am less forgiving. But I have come to believe that unless you have lived this life, it isn't possible to fully explain to others what widowhood is really like.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to try and explain to the world what widowhood and only parenthood is like. But in my time of blogging, I'm not sure that it has been too successful a goal. I also have started to worry that my focusing on widowhood brings me more sorrow and pain than I'd be feeling if I weren't blogging on this topic. Face it, I'm a widow and my life will have issues in it related to that status. Dwelling endlessly on what I can't change brings me more misery than I want to be feeling right now. So I am looking forward to the new year where I will place less emphasis on me as widowed and more on being a widow in transition - moving on in my life, despite widowhood to devote more time and attention to myself and my own needs.

This has all been coming down since last spring and my oldest son's graduation from college. Did I already brag that he has a 3.7 GPA his first college semester? And in May my youngest will be graduating and gearing up to start his college career. Right now, I need to be focusing on moving and creating my new life because next August I will be a widow empty-nester. Talk about emotions flying around the upcoming months! But I am also very excited because moving will allow me to live in a more affordable community and to go back to school to update my defunct Master's degree. Hopefully, a year of study will be all that I need to launch myself back into the professional sphere of social services and that will be huge in my life - to feel useful and productive in the work force again.

So as I contemplate all of this I am debating the start of a totally new blog, though I will not delete this one. It would begin Jan. 1st. It is hard for me to say goodbye to things because one gets used to them, but I am now seeing the benefits of beginning new projects, of moving to new locations, or starting over with a clean slate and all that. But whether I post under a new blog or keep this one because it is simpler, in 2012 I resolve to be more positive and to identify less as a widow and more as a woman finally able to move into a new, exciting and hopeful future.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

2011-12-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

My little tree is really turning out nicely. I waited until my oldest came home from college to decorate it as a family affair but he was totally uninterested and was even putting up ornaments upside down, ha ha. He did do very well with his grades though - his lowest grade was a Bt, with the rest As and an A-. My number nine ornament is a snow icicle - so quick and simple to crochet it is almost a crime. Anyway, went to Pier 1 with my youngest tonight to help him pick out a few stocking stuffers for his girlfriend. I looked with longing at some of the ornaments which were reasonably priced at $2.99. But I have to say there is something pretty cool at having a tree decorated completely with ornaments you've crafted yourself. The Pier 1 ornaments were sure darn cute but so are mine. And I think that even my sons feel some pride with our homespun tree.

Now that the tree is up and decorated for the most part I am glad I embarked on my knitted/crochet ornament project. It did help to keep me occupied and focused during this somewhat trying time of year and for that I am thankful. Having the tree up and looking so charming is instilling a bit of the holiday spirit and for it being the longest and darkest day of the year, that is something. And better late than never with just 4 days til the big day.

The Eighth Day of Christmas

2011-12-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

Little mittens for the tree in lime and bright blue, favorite colors of mine.

Peace, Joy and Hope

2011-12-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend sent me a text mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to go to an evening Christmas service tonight. I wasn't feeling up to it - just kind of depressed and feeling holiday bluesy. But I know that when I do get out and about that I end up feeling better so I agree to go. I am so glad I did. The music and service were powerful and wondrous.

The pastor spoke about the fragility of life. Widows know all about that. So on one hand, we're heads up on cherishing life and our loved ones. On the other hand, we also get the hard reality of how our lives can be altered in an instant. And at least in my case, that has left me at times, scared and paranoid. I guess you could call our first hand knowledge of death a blessing and a curse.

But I was glad the pastor spoke of this. There seems to be so much frantic rushing around right now. People out in their cars talking on cell phones, speeding to get to a store and reviewing their shopping lists are not paying attention to what this season is really about.

I was really struck by the pastor's mention of love - how God is so loving... And he added that that's pretty much the message here - being loved (by God), and then spreading joy and love to others. I felt somewhat ashamed comparing myself to God tonight. And how as a human, I fall way short at times of being more loving. Widowhood has resulted in some bitterness in my spirit. And I think the day-to-day grind and financial struggles sometimes overpower my desire to be a better person.

But I felt revitalized and hopeful by the words I heard tonight. The pastor spoke about how at this time of year we start reviewing the old year and planning for the one ahead. I was inspired to focus on the promise of what lies ahead and to be more mindful of this season's message which is love. And this can be translated to whatever religion or beliefs one has - that at our core, love is the force that drives us. And as I have come to believe since my husband's death - the reason we are all here in the first place.

Love + Kindness + Acceptance +Tolerance + Understanding + Compassion + Forgiveness = Peace, Joy and Hope!

The Seventh Day of Christmas

2011-12-17T15:10:00.001-08:00

Partridges for my tree.

There is a story about these little birds. I wanted to whip up my ornament project quickly and preferred flat patterns to those that needed to be sewn and stuffed. And I really wanted birds on my tree. But couldn't find any patterns in my large stash of patterns and books. Nor any online.

Eventually I ended up going to Half-Price Books not really expecting to find anything. But there was a very artistic crochet book with patterns for children. And this one was an applique for the pockets on a girl's dress. So I got the book for $6.00 and adapted the pattern.

Which just goes to show that not everything can be found on the internet. Although I did find some patterns that could have worked out but they were for sale and I was hoping to find free patterns. But the book is very cute and I'm sure I will use it or be inspired by it in the future.

What is taking up most of my time with these ornaments is the making up and detail work at the end. The actual knitting or crocheting is very quick for me. That is the part I really love. Not all the finishing. I'm a little behind schedule with making 12 of 12 patterns. I waited til my son returned from college to put up our tree. We'll do that tomorrow and put on the ornaments I do have done - there are over 100. Then during the week I'll finish the last 24 ornaments and we can put them up then.

Holiday Humdrums

2011-12-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

Let me start off first by saying that my oldest has done very well his first semester in college - receiving all As and Bs, which for him, as an average student in high school, is a great achievement. He needs a ride home for winter break and I arranged to take a day off from work to get him. This is because if I worked I wouldn't be able to leave to start the 4-hour drive there until about 3:30. It gets dark now around 4 p.m. and the prospect of so many hours on the road by myself in the dark among cornfields wasn't cutting it. Here is one of those times I wish my husband was around as my helpmate as he loved long-distance driving. And we'd probably make the trip together which would help with the tedium.

This trip we will also be driving home one of the guys on my son's dorm floor because both of his parents work and the kids have to be checked out by 6 p.m. Here is where my Scrooge-like feelings start coming out. I, the widowed, "poor" mom is taking work off and will be driving home a kid from a two-parent home, both with jobs. Why is this family not making arrangements to pick the kid up on Saturday morning or leaving after work, like I've done a number of times, and driving in the dark, like I did?

My son's roommate, who lives 30-minutes away had gotten rides home all semester. He has two parents at home. I would like my son to be the recipient of the generosity of another family for a change.

Then there is a woman I know who for the past 7 years has attended Christmas with my girlfriend and I. She is friends with my girlfriend and I have to sit through a huge ceremony of them opening up their gifts to each other. This woman is older and retired - she is extremely generous to my girlfriend giving her items that total a couple hundred dollars. All these years, I have given this woman a little token gift - homemade breads, goodies and knitted items. She always takes these items eagerly, especially the food. But last year, she re-gifted one of my knitted items back to my girlfriend! My girlfriend and I got a huge laugh about it over wine when we were on our own, but I have to admit that my feelings were slightly hurt. I am feeling so Scrooge-like this year that I don't want to give any cookies or goodies to this woman.

Now, if it were me as this older lady, I would be a little more kind and considerate. After 7 years of get-togethers, I would anticipate her being there and bring a little token gift. This year, I am going to excuse myself from the grand gift exchange between my friend and this lady. I really am not up to oohing and aahing. I've been a good sport about it for years so I'll join the kids in another room and spare myself more feelings of resentment or bitterness.

I'm tired of giving and giving and not getting anything back. They say it is better to give than to receive but like all the other platitudes I've heard in the past years, I find this is not entirely true. Sure, it is wonderful to give, but it is also fun to receive. And it sure isn't fun when you're not receiving anything.

I think I've hit my own personal wall in regard to widowhood. I, personally, cannot take it anymore. I need/want to be part of a team again sharing the driving and exchanging gifts rather than only giving them out. Eight years of this and I am tapped out.

"They" are also fond of saying that only we ourselves control our destiny and our happiness. Yes, there is truth to that. But there is also truth that in marriage both members of the couple do focus on their partner at times. I know when I was married that I made efforts to please my husband and to bring him pleasure. He did the same for me and it was lovely to experience the give and take a relationship brings. There isn't too much give or take in my life as a widow and I'm sick of it. I'm through with widowhood and ready to hang this life up. That is my focus for next year - to leave this widowhood life behind - to start sharing it with a partner and leave this lifestyle in the dust, where it can join Scrooge.

The Sixth Day of Christmas

2011-12-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

Feeling a bit down today, in contrast to this smiling snowman fella. It gets dark so early and most days are overcast. I dread the cold and upcoming snow, although am grateful none has really fallen yet and that it will be a warm week with rain even. This is a tough time of year for some of us. It takes tremendous emotional energy to get through certain time periods like the holidays. It is hard to describe to the non-widowed. Moving alone through the holidays can bring on a whole new set of feelings of loss and vulnerability.

I think for me, the key will be going back to school and becoming involved in establishing myself in a new career. Part of my angst I find comes from feeling so out of it in regard to career and not having anything to ground me and keep me focused. I so wish I was already back to school. Gosh, another holiday season to get through again. How I long for the day when it isn't like this. When I'm feeling productive and eager to start the day instead of down and out, willing the days to be over.

For now, it is just marking the long, dark, cold days...

The Fifth Day of Christmas

2011-12-09T05:48:00.001-08:00

I made 12 of these bells last night and it was fun but got a bit tiring. Next year I think I should plan a project like this earlier, e.g., making one ornament a week, not trying to make a bunch in December. But I'm afraid I know how that goes. Good plans and intentions don't seem to be high priority when they are 12 months away.

Oh oh

2011-12-05T20:20:00.000-08:00

Was going to post my picture of today's knit/crochet project but can't get computer/blogger to cooperate. This causes a bit alarm. What will I do next year when I'm really all alone and the computer acts up? My youngest has already predicted that I will be calling him at his dorm asking him how to turn on the computer. Now he was just being sarcastic with that but things will come up and I have to be prepared to have a list of people to call/contact if I need help. Just another item to put on the widowed to do list, as if there isn't an overload of projects on it already.

I'll try reposting tomorrow. I've gotten used to having a photo with every post. I should add that my 12 days of Christmas ornaments project is working! It is allowing me to concentrate and focus on a task that is taking my mind off negative thoughts during this holiday season. I will start up a new craft project/goal at the new year with the same idea in mind. So that is good.

The Fourth Day of Christmas

2011-12-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

Ho, ho, ho.

The Third Day of Christmas

2011-12-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

A knitted stocking to hang by the chimney with care...

The Second Day of Christmas

2011-12-02T20:39:00.001-08:00

A knitted heart to represent love.

The First Day of Christmas

2011-12-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

In an effort to "delight" in the joy of this holiday season, I am challenging myself to create 12 crocheted or knitted tree ornaments for each of the first 12 days of December from my yarn stash. So today, I have 12 crocheted stars as a start. I've already been working on this so have gotten a head start. Anyway, it is my hope that this handiwork will keep my mind and hands occupied. It is our fourth Christmas of living under reduced circumstances and boy am I tired of it. There is no extra money left for discretionary spending and come the holidays it is another burden for an only mom's heart to bear. Next year will be better when I've moved to more affordable housing but next year is still next year and there is still this year to get through.

I'll do my best to put up a tree and have a few gifts for the boys. Somehow we'll manage. But I have to say that I'm not into the holidays this year. The decorations and lights aren't doing much to lift my spirits. I drove through our pretty, quaint, historical downtown last night and noticed that the city reduced the number of lampposts and trees they decorated. Yet I also noticed some houses had two trees inside them. I think back to my years before widowhood when I was gun ho into the holidays. One year I had four trees in my home - one in the family room, the living room, the master bedroom and a small one in the kitchen! Our house had a big picture window in the front and when I put a tree in the master bedroom window, which was over the picture window, it looked like one giant tree.

There have to be people out there who are celebrating very simply this year. But I don't hear of anyone or know anyone. I wish there were more stories or articles out there with advice on coping with the holidays under reduced circumstances. I heard that the average American will be spending about $700.00 on gifts this year. Wow! Maybe someone can interview me, the mom spending $70.00!

As tough as it is, getting through this one last difficult Christmas, I don't want to be all gloomy and doomy about it, It is what it is. Just like my widowhood situation. I'm a widow. Money is tight. Life is challenging. There are times that I don't think I can take it anymore. But all in all, December lasts just one month. And the first day of the month is already over. Only 30 more to go!

My Time

2011-11-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

"It's Your Time" the J. Jill catalog stated and the words resonated with me. I am on the eve of a transition from widowed-only-parent-mom to that of an empty-nester-widowed-only-parent-mom. Next year both of my boys will be at college and I'll really be alone in the home except for breaks and summers. At Thanksgiving, someone asked me how I was gearing up for this - it was nice that someone did so, because most people don't consider how this event will impact a widowed mom who hasn't remarried and isn't living with anyone else. And one who has devoted pretty much her entire focus around the boys and their high school educations.

I think with transitions that there is a multitude of feelings churning around. I am happy for the additional time I will be able devote to myself and my own interests (finally) but also scared of the the unknown. A transition period is one that is still being worked and figured out. The time both boys will be gone is still a bit off into the future so I'm still in the "planning" period. As such, there are still plenty of loose ends to plan and prepare for.

My youngest son received his fourth college acceptance so we're now 4 for 5. He doesn't care whether he gets into the fifth college or not, but it would be nice to put another acceptance on the fridge! I took my oldest back to his college on Sunday. I did feel burdened and tired by the responsibility of the long trip - eight hours of driving and in the dark which I don't relish. In the dorm parking lot I was overcome with love and pride watching a father parked next to us hug his son goodbye. Yes, I was alone and tired and still had the trip to make back on my own but there was something "higher" and "bigger" involved in the experience than my own feelings.

Before I left (after a cheap meal at Ponderosa with coupons), I asked my son to give me a demonstration of his piano playing abilities since he just started lessons in August (a requirement as a music major). He took me to the dorm's piano practice room and apologized that he couldn't play on one of the grand pianos in the music building. Then he played two pieces he had composed - one, was a cute little concerto but the second was a melody so profound and moving I sat at the little table behind my son and just wept! I asked him to play it again and then wept some more!

I asked my son to play the piece for his professor but he shrugged his shoulders and said she doesn't have time and pretty much discounted how good I found it. The music was a gift before I left for the long drive home. Somehow I felt there was a message in that melody for me. Despite the hardships of being a poor widow raising these boys on my own, they've both made it to college. One is an outstanding and talented musician and the other a creative graphic designer starting college as an integrated marketing/communications major. They've turned out ok despite everything. And now I've got to believe and hold on hope that this next step will turn out ok too. Gosh, anything will be better financially than it is currently!

I have found transitions tough to face on my own. It WAS easier when I was married handling those blips and bumps in the road. My husband and I discussed life issues and provided one another with emotional support. All of that is lost with widowhood. So this empty-nest transition is different for someone like me vs. a married woman. How I wished I had a driving partner by my side for the four plus hours on the road back. But like that music my son composed and played for me, I have to acknowledge my own feelings but also recognize that there is a greater force that exists beyond my own being. And that, has been very hard to realize for me as a widow. I have found that widowhood has made me focus very much inward and stay there maybe too long. Just another quirk of the widowed life...

This next step will involve becoming less focused inward, and moving toward more outside involvement!

Black Thursday

2011-11-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

This year some stores will be open on Thanksgiving. What in the world needs to be purchased at Michael's craft store that couldn't wait until Black Friday? Really, someone is going to leave their family and the holiday celebration to go out to a Michael's? And what about the employees who have to work that shift?

I see the madness of consumerism and get depressed. It is hard to be an observer when you can't be a participant. I watch the t.v. commercials and everyone in them is smiling and happy. Now I know that they are actors in commercials but a part of me starts feeling bad because I don't look like these happy moms in the commercials gearing up to hit the Target 2-day sale.

Now what would really inspire me and actually make me happy would be a realistic portrayal of a real single/only mom worried about getting her kids a few Christmas gifts and how to pay the electric bill at the same time. It would portray a normal looking woman hunched over a kitchen table flipping through her pile of bills and looking forlornly at her checkbook...

Oh, and can there please be a ban on those Lexus commercials where people actually get a $50,000 vehicle for their Christmas gift! I know I should just laugh at the ridiculousness of these ads but they still make me sad...

Defined by Widowhood

2011-11-17T16:17:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will pick up my oldest from college for Thanksgiving break. He is scheduled to work the entire week starting Sat. a.m. and will only have Thanksgiving Day off. He has done very well away at school so far. And he calls or texts me before every test he takes, then follows up with his grade. He has also sought my advice about classes to take next term, and dropping the business frat he joined. I'm not sure he and I would be as close as we are if his father was still alive. I do believe my sons and I share a very close familial relationship based on the fact that the boys were so young when their dad became sick.

My youngest son has just been accepted into his #1 college choice, the one I attended for my undergraduate years. So he received three acceptances out of five applications submitted but at this point the other two don't matter. I am so happy and pleased for him. Excited too! A bit sad that his dad isn't here to share in the news. I had to tell someone, and texted my sister and brother, since their kids are actively involved in the college search right now. But sharing with them just wasn't the same.

Our lives have been defined by widowhood. Even years after, I feel a pang at what has been lost. My sons and I have different relationships than what might have been if they'd had a dad to confide in. To say we have not been defined or influenced by my husband's death would not be true. We became different people, all of us because of our lives changing when my husband died.

Sometimes I have come across widows strongly exclaiming that they would not be defined by their widowhood. I think they mean that they don't want to be held down by widowhood, that they want to rise above it. But I don't think it is accurate to say that they aren't defined by widowhood. Because we end up being defined by all our experiences, and widowhood has a major impact, no doubt about that.

Tonight a blogger from the UK who first inspired me to start blogging posted an update after a year's absence. She said that she is considering starting a new blog because her one on widowhood doesn't seem to represent her life right now. I, too, have been contemplating the same thing. I'd like to keep blogging because I enjoy it and it allows me to gain perspective and clarity. But I don't feel the need to focus so much on widowhood anymore. I'd much rather be focusing on my new and future life, and where I'm headed. Here I have one son successfully having started college and another on the verge of starting his own college career. And I will be moving soon and hopefully starting a new degree/career in social work. I am a widow in transition. I am still a widow. But I really want to place more emphasis on what I'm becoming besides being a widow. And maybe that is what those other widows meant when they determined that they didn't want to be defined by widowhood.

Sick of Strength

2011-11-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

I've heard variations of the "Strength" platitude over and over - "You've got to stay strong," or "You're so strong." These are always from individuals who have someone to lean on. Easy to say this stuff when you can crash every once in awhile and let someone else carry the load.

I'm not strong. Just because I've handled a lot of hardship doesn't make me stronger than others. I've just had to deal with a larger share of problems. Believe me, if I could, I would not be handling all this. I do it because I have to and I do it alone because I don't have a choice.

There is this stupid belief out there that strength builds character and we become better for having survived hardship. I don't believe this anymore. In fact, I don't believe any of those platitudes we've been raised on anymore. As time goes on, or at least now, I find the constant strength in having to rise to every occasion solo, is just draining me and leaving me more bitter. Forget about becoming wiser and stronger. Here is a quote by the businessman J.C. Penney that illustrates this:

"I am grateful for all of my problems.
After each one was overcome,
I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come.
I grew in all my difficulties."

Well, I've reached the point where I'm not feeling very grateful for my problems. And I've reached the point where I don't want to meet anymore. I don't like this life and I don't want to be living it as it is panning out anymore. I read all these inspirational quotes where I should greet each day, even the hard ones, with joy in my heart and gratefulness for being here and all of that. But if I were to say that I thought that, I'd be lying.

Feeling very, very weary and drained. Got through the debacle with the van being towed and its flat tire and all only to face a week later, another flat tire. Then some tickets for failure to not have a city vehicle sticker (which I didn't know we needed). And so it goes... More to face and handle. More energy that gets chipped away from my heart and soul.

My son received acceptances into two of the five colleges he applied at. Receiving those letters with the "Congratulations on your acceptance..." took a little bit of the sting away from the bad news that happened.

I'm tired of being strong. It is okay to be weak. In a marriage or partnership or close family there are opportunities to sometimes let others carry the load. I think I've reached my limit. I feel my back finally breaking.

I'll get up tomorrow and do the stuff of living I have to do. But it is like going through the motions. It is easy to be positive and motivated when things are going well. Seems impossible now to feel joy when there is so much discouragement and my spirit is sagging. My strength is tapped out.

As I write these feelings out, I realize that along with the stupid platitudes, there comes the guilt for not being able to be strong. Because when people tell you to keep on being strong, it is expected that you'll keep your chin up and do just that. Where are the platitudes for failing gracefully or not being able to keep up? Platitudes aren't realistic. What is real, is the realization that people will sometimes fail and fall. I want a platitude that gives me permission to feel the honest feelings I'm having about discouragement, exhaustion, bitterness and weakness. I need a platitude that gives me some direction on what to do when too much strength has actually ended up making me weak.

Recreation

2011-11-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here is a sad photo I snapped waiting in line at the WalMart pharmacy. The senior man in front of me had a Banquet meal and mini frozen pie in his cart. It struck me as very sad seeing that. The other night while watching t.v. with my youngest, I was struck by the reality that next year at this time, both boys will be off at college and I'll really be on my own. It was sobering. I need to get on the horse and start making plans for my future. As everyone always seems to say, it'll be here before I know it. I don't want to not be ready and prepared when my future reality does finally hit.

I heard on the news program that I watch that there will be a permanent group of unemployed individuals who don't go back to work. The reasons for long-term unemployment were discussed. They included the fact that while people are out of work, they lose various skills and get behind with business and technology trends. Also, the longer they are out, they lose business and professional contacts.

I likened these points to widowhood. How long-term widowhood can result in making us rusty around others, how our social contacts become diminished. I am finding it harder to interact socially these days - I have no idea how I'd react on a date, though I suppose it is like getting on a bike, and once you start practicing, you improve. But also, how limited my social sphere has become. I'm applying for grad school right now and struggling as to who to ask to write a reference letter for me. I've been out of touch with some old friends the past year or two. It makes me grateful for the social contact I do have with others while at my restaurant job. Yes, it isn't "professional" but it beats nothing. I also realize why it is important to have connections through church or other clubs or activities. I have chosen to not volunteer anywhere because it would have been hard the past year getting one son off to college and the other out of high school on my own. But having another professional contact for my grad school application would have been good.

It really, really is time for me to pull myself out of the current reality of my life. I can feel it and I can taste it but I'm not quite there yet. My youngest still has to finish senior year and we have to remain here during that time. Until then, I'll start with the grad school application process, which is a bit daunting. But focusing on the process will me keep centered on the future and not so much the past.

I guess when I see images of being alone, like this elderly man's t.v. dinners, I am struck by the hard reality of what it is really like to live alone. To be on one's own raising children and being worn, tired and drained from the process. To create a fuller future life takes tremendous resolve and stamina. We can't just snap our fingers and make it all better. It is another job and I'm already pretty tired. But I don't want to be pushing a cart with only single serving frozen meals in the future. I want to be dining out with co-workers and happily cooking for family and friends. As they sometimes say to women looking for someone to date - "a guy isn't going to fall out of the sky." And likewise, a new, improved, more passionate and rewarding life isn't going to materialize at this point. I have to start moving toward creating it.

Half Price Holidays

2011-11-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

On November 1st I noticed my first decorated Christmas tree in the lobby of a business I was passing by while driving. Then yesterday, I saw another in the lobby of a local business I was in. Of course the stores have their Christmas sections up already like Walmart. So you can now buy 50% off Halloween items along with a Christmas tree at the same time!

Last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he asked quest Martha Stewart if she thinks it is too early for Christmas decorations to be up and she strongly agreed. She added that we need to give due focus to Thanksgiving.

I heartily agree with Martha. And seeing all these Halloween items at half price makes me consider celebrating future holidays a day or two after the specific date. It makes no sense to me to pay for the same things that just a day later will cost 50% less. This idea sounds like a fun way to get through the holidays and maybe instead of rushing through them, they might take on more meaning because they'll last longer and no one else is putting time restrictions on them.

I know that I am always down when a holiday ends. What fun it would be to continue celebrating Halloween another two weeks. I do know that in the future I'll be hard pressed to purchase any holiday themed items at full price knowing that their real value ends up being half. And I'm going to plan that any future Valentine's Day gift exchanges take place in my life on February 15.

Everyone Has Their Problems

2011-11-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

All gourds are not the same even if they are all gourds - just like "problems."

I've been wanting to write about the subject of this post for awhile now. How so often during my widowhood I've heard the comment that "Everyone has their problems." It is one of those platitudes I have grown to hate. And another platitude I have come to disbelieve. First of all, why are platitudes tossed around so freely, especially at the newly widowed? Over and over I heard that one about time healing all things. Yet the people telling me these words had never been widowed so how would they know? Actually, I have come to think that the platitudes exist because people are uncomfortable dealing with us and our loss. Platitudes are handy lines in people's back pockets when they struggle to come up with something to say. They sound encouraging and helpful. But I have found them to be empty and meaningless for the most part.

I find the "Everyone has their own problems" response actually very dismissive to us. It is a put down that glosses over the issues and pain we may be dealing with. It implies that we are wrong to focus on ourselves and our own immediate problems. It has always made me feel guilty and upset with myself whenever someone has said it to me. I end up feeling like I'm not strong enough to handle my own conflicts and that I shouldn't tell anyone about my real emotions. Which of course is all bunk. Because the number one healthy thing a person grieving can do is to relate their feelings to others or through blogging, journaling, grief groups or individual therapy. And what the grieving really need more than anything is acknowledgment of where they are and what they are feeling and dealing with. People giving platitudes aren't listening or responding to what we're saying. Too bad that when people tell us a platitude they really think they're giving good advice. They can rest easy that they have done their part without too much discomfort, effort, or thought on their part.

But now on to the actual meaning behind "Everyone had their problems." Of course, everyone does. Widows had problems before they were widowed. We got into fights with our spouses, money was tight, kids acted up, there were conflicts with co-workers. Yes, we know all this and we've been there. However, comparing widowhood to a "problem" doesn't cut it in my book. How can you compare the totality of the widowhood experience and life with someone stressed out by their kitchen remodeling job? Or with the tension that comes from someone deciding to go back to school or start a new job. Yes, caring for aging parents is a drain. I've been there with both of mine as a widow no less, so there wasn't a hubby to share household or child rearing responsibilities with as I also took on those with my parents.

Widowhood involves loss after loss - loss of identity, loss of a life partner, loss of a best friend, loss of a co-parent, loss of a social network, loss of a financial position, loss of status, loss of a helpmate, loss of a sexual partner, and even more. Other "problems" that widowhood is lumped with don't involve losses, e.g., going back to school is an overall gain. My experience has proven that losses are harder to bounce back from because not only is there the grief to deal with, then there is the job of having to rise back up from the loss. Something is taken away leaving one with less than they had before. Therefore they aren't as whole as they once were. And that takes on another whole aspect of having to readjust to a very new discombobulated life.

Well, that is my two cents on this matter. Widowhood is a very complex, intense situation with multiple layers, stages and dimensions. It is a totally unique experience for each person faced with its reality. It is far more complicated a "problem" as compared to other problems although the statement "everyone has their problems" implies an equal rating for the life transitions faced by people. Going back to school, having a toddler, getting the kitchen remodeled, feeling the strain of starting a new job are all time relative transitions. But widowhood isn't over in the two years it usually takes to get a master's degree, as I can attest. Many of us are dealing with issues years past the death of our spouses that are offshoots of this initial loss.

I know people who say these platitudes really can't have a comprehension of the total widowhood experience. Because if they did, they'd never spout them off in the first place.It would be nice though to encounter more people in our lives who take the time to put some thought into what they say. But I guess that would involve really contemplating the lives widows face and live. Not what people want to think about or imagine. But I hope that people's understanding will increase in the future.

Halloween Hello

2011-10-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

From Halloween Man - the one holiday decoration I was up to whipping up, now on my door greeting ghouls and goblins.

Time Doesn't Heal All Things

2011-10-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

In recent years there has been a greater acknowledgment of the myth of getting over one's grief. This seems due to the flurry of blogs and memoirs about grief. There also seem to be more fiction books tackling the subject as well.

I wish I'd known this when I first became widowed. At that time I was subjected to the platitude
of time healing all things. I really believed this too. Now I would have the guts to challenge the non-widowed person spouting this off to me with a reply of "How do you know this? What is your personal experience of this?" But back then I took it on with hope and naivety.

Since I actually believed this reasoning, I tried to rush my first year of widowhood vainly thinking that once all those first anniversaries had passed, so would my grief. What I found, however, was that for me the second year was worse because I realized with so much more intensity what I had really lost - that first year kind of passed by in a blurry, hazy fog. So it would have been far better for me if someone had given me the more sound advice of how grief doesn't just magically disappear but that the day-to-day intensity of it does eventually lessen.

I wanted to share this passage from Belva Plain's novel "Crossroads," published in 2008. I think it is a good example of how our perception of grief is becoming more realistic and healthy. Wish I had had the wise wisdom of Belva's words instead of the unrealistic platitudes. In the book, the main character has suffered a miscarriage.

"Gwen had learned that those who said time heals everything were wrong. There are certain hurts that never go away, like the one she'd sustained when she learned that Cassie had been lying to her about her birth parents. That ache was permanent...

But the loss of a baby was different. That pain would never go away, either...but you finally did figure out how to absorb it. It became a part of what you were and it changed who you were. At first you were convinced that you'd never be happy again, that the gray fog that enveloped you would always be there, then one morning you woke up and it was autumn, and the trees in the little park at the end of your street were spreading the seasonal gold and orange carpet on the ground. And you noticed in a deeper and more satisfying way the beauty of the fresh flowers your husband now brought home every week...you knew that you'd turned a corner. The sorrow for your dream of a child was in your heart, in the very blood that pumped through it, but somehow that released you to get on with your life."

Beautiful and real words.

Yet Another Hurdle

2011-10-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the world just seems to explode. Yesterday, I got home from picking up some cat food during the afternoon and noticed that they towed our van from the complex parking lot. We had not been driving it since my oldest is at college and my youngest is now driving the newer sporty sedan I got them in the spring. I am still driving my ancient sedan because the gas mileage is so good. I should mention that a rear flat tire appeared mid-month but I didn't have the funds to have it fixed.

Anyway, I became somewhat hysterical - tearful, and very, very despondent. Didn't even make it through the end of the month before another conflict had to rear its ugly head. It's $172.50 to pay for the tow, plus $40.00 a day thereafter. I don't get our pension check until the 1st or my paycheck from the restaurant until then either so there will be a couple days tacked on. Then I'll have to figure out how to get someone to change the tire. As if the poor aren't suffering enough. Lets sock it to them some more.

I had really hoped that the coming month wouldn't involve scrambling to meet my bills. I called my sister as a last resort because I was feeling so low. She said she would talk to her husband and get back to me with their advice, which turned out to be to let the car go - forget it - let them take it to a junk yard at the end of the month. Turns out that was Sam's advice too. I always wonder at the ease in which people can give away other's possessions. I don't want to let the van go. We'll need it when my oldest is home from college. I have to look ahead to the future somewhat. I'm not in a position to just go out and buy new vehicles.

No one said, "Tough luck" or "Bad break." Sam told me he didn't know what to say to me so therefore he wouldn't say anything. Really? "I'm sorry for you" is too hard to eek out? I found myself getting angry at my entire family - that has been an emotion that has subsided over the past year but reared its ugly head again. My stay-at-home brother in law to his two high school kids couldn't offer to perhaps change the tire for me?

I've asked for very little of my family during widowhood. No one ever offered to help review my finances (out of CPAs and an attorney), assist with home maintenance, or provide childcare when the boys were little. Hell, no one in my family ever brought over a meal in the early days. If I spoke about the pain of my loss I was looked at as though something was wrong with me. It is hard enough just being a widow and only parent of grade school kids. To be poor on top of it and then have such little family support seems almost a crime. Not that anyone should ever be widowed but it sure makes one wonder about the great unfairness of life and all of that.

It will be necessary for me to take out a payday loan or not pay a bill this month in order to try and save the van. If I can't swing it, I will not have a choice but to let it go. But not without some kind of fight.

I am left with the realization of how alone I really am and how slight my support system really is. Widows need to feel connected with supportive voices and bodies. Even more for widowed parents. We are left to keep fragmented families together and to constantly keep our children uplifted on our own. It makes sense that it is necessary for us to be lifted up and supported at least some of the time. How can we keep it all together and raise children on our own without some sort of support system cheering us on and offering us strength and compassion?

To have this so lacking in my own life points to the cruel reality of life as it sometimes turns out. I am now hit with the hard realization that in order to have more support, love and compassion in my life I'll have to be willing to venture out of my cocoon and seek it. Fact is, being poor and struggling doesn't lend itself to the much needed positive self-esteem necessary for socializing and all of that.

I started blogging in part because I was aware that I'd have to broaden my horizons in order to obtain some understanding and support. But I think people in general are self-centered and don't like focusing on the problems of others. I believe it is very difficult for those who haven't been widowed to have any comprehension of widowhood, nor the reality of raising children as an only parent, left to pick up often shambled, broken pieces of life. My sister's comment yesterday illustrated this point. She said everyone has things that come up every month. But some people are in better situations to meet those challenges than others is my addition.

On this note, I feel as though maybe it is time for me to shift my focus. Towards creating and building a new life for myself rather than focusing on surviving this middle-aged widowhood. Something to ponder at least.

The Books Have Answered

2011-10-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

My last post was about the conflict I feel between trying to live in and focus on the present. In early widowhood, I suppose I focused too much on the past and what I lost. These days, mostly because of financial pressures, I seem to be more focused on the future. Every month is a struggle with juggling the bills and there is nothing left for security or even a fast food meal out. If I get a flat tire or need a car repair I'll be out of luck because there isn't anything there for emergencies. I am so depleted living this way. Yet hope is on the horizon. If I can just hang in there by early spring I can make the plans to move from this area. Currently, I pay more than half of my monthly income on rent and utilities. Moving to a lower-cost part of the state will help my life enormously.

So, I look toward the future, when I can breathe a little easier every month and my mind isn't consumed on how to pay all my bills without overdrawing my bank account. What I most hope for, is the ability to help my boys with their college expenses and to live simply within my means. I'm like most people out there I think. I enjoy nice things and would like a few luxuries in my life along with a cart of fresh groceries and being able to afford new clothes for my sons. I do look forward to ending these days of Goodwill clothing, lack of Christmas/Birthday gifts, and a $50.00 weekly food budget.

How can one embrace a life when one is struggling or hurting or in pain? I know there are many out there counting pennies and worried about affording next week's groceries or utility bill. I'm not the only one. I realize that. But I am struggling with how to live fully and with passion when it all just sucks right now. All the platitudes that tell us to live for the now. But how can you do that when the now is difficult? I need help, ideas, a plan of action or cheat sheet. Don't just tell me to do something without telling me how to accomplish it.

The other night, after blogging I did my daily reading before bedtime. I needed a new book and chose one from my collection of yard sale/used book sale pile, the "Last Chance Saloon" by Marian Keyes. Many times when I am searching for guidance or an answer, I'll find a response in a book. It was funny and I laughed when I read the the beginning saying which is as follows:

"For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision:
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day."

Sanskrit Proverb

I am reminded of those who advise the dieting to not focus on the future when the weight is lost because people assume weight loss will lead to instant happiness. Acceptance and living each day fully is recommended. And I've read about embracing our circumstances for whatever they may be, e.g., even during tough times to not shy or hide from them.

I don't know, after this post I'm still not clear about all this. I don't think it is easy for humans to embrace hardship without fortitude and resolve. Maybe embracing it with open arms and acceptance might not always be possible. Maybe just getting through it in one piece is enough. There is also the factor of widowhood and being alone/handling all this crap solo that plays a part too. It is a part of the mix - having someone to lean on physically and emotionally might not make a stew appear magically on the stove, but might boost morale and provide the strength to get through another day.

Final Push

2011-10-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

My youngest asked me why I hadn't decorated for Halloween, which I haven't - prior widowhood, I was Mrs. Holiday Decorator with a capital "D." I told him that honestly I just don't feel up to it this year. We are in the final year of our apt. lease here and this time next year will have moved. I haven't ever considered this place home - it has always been viewed as a temporary stop on the road and now, all I want is to be away.

The thought of lugging out decorations from the storage shed absolutely overwhelms me. Then setting them up and having to put them away again. I try and put a homemade wreath on the door every month and that is the extent of my holiday spirit, whichever holiday we're celebrating.

I've started to worry about Christmas because I'll do a little something for the boys. But it will be very little and a homespun, homemade celebration.

I've been contemplating my feelings about being so anxious to move and leave this community. It is way past time to do so. In just four months I plan to start looking for a new home! That's it - only four months! On one hand those months seem like a blink of an eye. On the other, they seem endless, especially since they involve the two coldest months of the year to get through.

I know what they say about living fully in the present and not dwelling on the past or future. But I can't seem to stop myself from looking on Realtor.com on a daily basis and focusing on the spring.

Part of me is totally sick of this life as it exists here and has for the past few years. I've reached my limit on holding it all together. I feel upset with myself for being weak in the sense that I'm not able to balance my life right now. By that I mean, appreciate and concentrate on the here and now. If anyone has any suggestions, hints or ideas feel free to add a comment.

I can remember those first few years of widowhood, when looking to the future was torment. I just wish widowhood didn't bring with it such imbalance. It would be nice to have a more even keel life where past, present and future can be neatly arranged and lived. But maybe all that flew out the window when I became widowed. I don't know, just musings...

What Happens to the Widows?

2011-10-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today of the widows who used to blog but have not done so in numerous months. It makes me wonder what happened to them and how they are doing. One was a woman my age, widowed for about the same amount of time with her son off to college. Did she start a business or go back to school? Have others become more used to their situations or met someone and become so busy they don't have the interest or need to blog anymore?

Would I even continue blogging if I was going out or had a fuller career right now? I'm not sure I would. Some of my blogging comes from the amount of free time I have when I'm home alone. I hope that all changes when I go back to school and have to write papers and study.

I am moving into a new era of my life, thankfully. But I'm not there yet. A few more months to go... Until that time I will blog about widowhood as I see and experience it. And I hope to find out what happened to the other widows because it is important to hear their voices and gain from their growth, experience and perspectives.

A New Path

2011-10-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

My youngest has completed and sent off his college applications (5) and the computer is finally free for my use. Now is the waiting game to see where he gets accepted. And now it is my turn for that process. I played around last night looking for schools offering social work programs. Nothing with the right fit - and I was a bit worried today thinking about it. There weren't a lot of schools offering the program at the graduate level. A benefit of living in the Chicago suburbs is that there are numerous schools in and around Chicago to attend.

A plus of looking at school possibilities was that today I was less consumed with worry about finances. It felt good to be thinking of something else regarding my future and hope for my new life.

This afternoon after work, I was at it again determined to make some headway in trying to find potential schools. And I found a program that starts this summer and looks as if I would be easily accepted into. I called the university at 5:15 and someone actually answered the phone taking my number for a call back on Monday with more info. But it is exciting to be actively focused and involved in trying to move forward for a better life. The program is an evening program, which has some attraction to me. I also like that it starts in the summer and I wouldn't have to wait until next fall.

Mid-life brings change. Empty-nesters go back to school or pursue new interests. I have heard of another mom going to school for social work now that her kids are all in college. I think it is different though and harder for widows. The mom I know of has a husband, she hasn't had to face financial trials or move from her home. Widows bear the brunt of having to recreate themselves totally on their own without the support of spouses. And that can be a trial.

I want to be and feel vital, vibrant and productive again. I know to achieve that I will need to keep traveling down this new path. And I do wish it were easier. I wish I had a supportive husband behind me. I wish I weren't even having to make these life choices and changes. If my husband hadn't died, I doubt I would be contemplating going back to school or moving. Widowhood forces one to take a path unplanned and unwanted. But there is no other choice.

Hope Wherever I Can Find It

2011-10-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

Long-term Widowhood

2011-10-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

This is a wreath I made my girlfriend some years back. It was on her door when I went by last Saturday night. We have a standing ritual that after every "school-parent-activity," such as taking Homecoming Dance photos, we either go out for wine or stay in with snacks and wine.

September is gone. Wow! Fast and furious. I was out of the loop most of the month - under the weather with this terrible chest cold thing. It wasn't until this weekend that I'm feeling more myself. And the cough is still lingering... Then there were still those problems posting my posts, so I kind of gave up blogging and took the month off in a way. Still went to work, tended to my son at home and so on. But was pretty lackluster and unmotivated. No walks in my little forest preserve, no knitting. Only wanting to rest, I would just lie on the bed and think.

This past month I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very, very worn down, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I would say some it is long-term widowhood and solo parenting. I'm just bushed and tired of this life.

When I was at the photo shoot for Homecoming and in the middle of all the married couples and intact families last week, a part of me called out that I don't want this solo life any longer. Yet coming off my recent bout of illness, I truly lack the motivation or seem to have the energy to move toward a new tomorrow.

I obviously have to start making strides toward getting a new job and advancing my career options. I am not going to die with a defunct Master's Degree working as a crummy chain restaurant hostess. Lying in bed, I concluded that what is actually worse for my self-esteem is not that I'm not married, but that I am not working as a professional. That fact eats at me every day.

I took the Soaring Spirits sponsored survey on widowhood over the summer. I thought it was important for there to be a view from a longer-term widow, which is how I would describe myself 8 years out. One of the questions was something like, "What would you most like the public to know about widowhood?" I can't remember the choices except that mine was that widowhood is extremely difficult. It is not some romp through life. Eight years out having parented two sons going on 10 years, and I am truly wiped out. I've blogged about this before - the fatigue and exhaustion of widowhood. Because it is not only physical but also such a mental drain. Doing everything on one's own, always making the decisions, figuring out the problems, sleeping alone, trying to recover from being under the weather without someone soothing you with a cup of hot tea or warm bowl of soup. Getting it yourself just isn't the same kind of TLC.

My energy levels are just kaput, but I think that I need to start moving in the direction or creating a new life for myself, even if I'm only taking baby steps. I think I need to get back into the mental health field and am contemplating social work and in particular working in a hospital or nursing home setting. Yesterday, I forced myself to take a walk in my little hidden forest - 30 minutes. I'm focusing on eating healthy this month and not stressing out too much.

In summary and conclusion, long-term widowhood for me has been very draining. But then the reality of the matter is that even when you're so depleted and on the ground, you've got to muster up that strength and energy to pull yourself back up again. And I think that for some of us, that is the true nature of widowhood. Falling and always having to pick oneself back up. No wonder I am so drained and depleted. My battery seems to have really worn out.

The Need to Heal

2011-09-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

I have been ill since my son's high school orientation night, when I could feel myself coming down with it. Symptoms: cough, sinus stuff, lost voice and blocked breathing passages. I'm not sure what you would call this - sinus infection, flu, cold? Not good symptoms to be experiencing with that extrtemely scary movie "Contagion" recently coming out.

Today, I feel the symptoms starting to lift but still feel weak and not myself. Yesterday I went to JC Penney with my son who asked me to go with him to pick out some clothes. With his work earnings he purchased a vest, shirt and dress slacks to wear for his Senior photo. He had researched clothing costs and sales online and deemed Penney's the place to shop. That in and of iitself makes me so proud but also almost wanting to weep (because of the necessity to count every penny...). Anyway, while at the store I couldn't stand but there weren't any chairs to sit down on. Nor might I add, any sales people around to answer questions or help...

Being down and out 12 days has put some perspective on things. I am more aware of the vulnerablilty connected to our health. And how it is more difficult to live on one's own. Being the sole adult in a household and sick is tough no doubt about it.

I spent some early nights in bed unable to sleep because of the congestion and coughing and just wishing I could sleep the next six months away. Being sick saps your physical and emotional strength. Then I'd feel guilty because I had no desire or ability to go to a couple job leads I'd heard about. My son asked me if I was going to apply. Given that I couldn't even talk, I didn't think it would make a good starting impression. Yet despite being legitimately down and out, I still found myself striving toward something not possible. Here of all times, I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to be sick then heal.

Somehow over the years of hearing people tell me I can't give up and I have to remain strong and yes, accomplish the work of more that one on my own it has morphed into having unreasonable expectaitons for myself. Although, in my view, society holds unrealistic expectations for widows in general.

When we live with someone who is ill, we tell them to rest up, take it easy, take care. We pick up the slack and try to pamper with tea and tissues. I am just doing the dishes which I've left in the sink the past few days, not caring, not being able to stand up anyway.

I have come to believe through the years that all those platitudes that people say to bolster us up are full of air. The crap about being stronger because you've experienced hardship. Or that everyone can keep it up and keep on going. The crap about never ever giving up. Do you know what? I think people do peeter out. That sometimes we give up out of pure exhaustion and hopelessness. And what of it? Is it really so bad to hang it up and step out of the rat race of life for a moment. To take a break from the madness?

In widowhood, we're advised to pick ourselves back up and keep on trudging to make meaningful lives for ourselves. Of course, we need to do that. But I think at the same time, there are times when it is ok to step back and out; to retreat and instead of plodding forward tread instead of moving forward. Or maybe even take a step back. Why do we always have to be moving forward and improve? Getting sick I realize that there are life moments when it may be necessary to hunker down and just be. To maintain status quo may be a feat in itself.

The Comfort of Fall

2011-09-08T20:44:00.001-07:00

This year I seem more attuned to the approaching Fall season. We have been so blessed the past few days with cooler, Fall-like weather. Here, there is just a hint of the changing season in the air. The tops of some trees are starting to turn. I'd have to say that this is the part of Fall I most love, before it gets full-blown in October. Once the leaves really turn, one heavy rain is all it takes for it to be over. Now I have the chance to really savor this wondrous season.

I love seeing all the advertising and signs in the stores welcoming this time of year. The food choices including apples. I've already tried the new caramel apple sundaes at both McDonald's and Wendy's. Small, simple pleasures to help take the edge away from the worry I feel every day over getting through the next year financially. Now that my son is in college, I have to add some college expenses to the budget and they have turned out higher than originally expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that for me, one of the surefire ways to ease my anxiety and misery is through nature. A walk in the woods especially. My soul longs for a rural existence and it is where I am relocating when this year is completed for my son in high school.

Each season brings its own comforts, but as the Starbuck's ad relates, Fall is perhaps most special. "Indulge in the comforts of Fall," the ad directs. Makes sense to me. Bring on that pumpkin latte. I am drinking spiced apple tea in the mornings and baked a batch of my Awesome Apple Bread. I gave a loaf to my girlfriend along with a cute apple potholder I knit. My friend liked the potholder so much, she told me she is going to frame it!

The summer was so hot I only went walking in my little hidden forest a few times. Now I can start walking every day again. That will give me great pleasure. I saw my first Halloween outdoor decorations today. A flock of witches in a circle in a yard. This year I will try and focus on these displays with lightness and laughter. Anything to help me stay sane and grounded as we move through this year. I feel on my last legs emotionally and financially. I asked for more hours at work and will have to go out looking for another job next week. Illinois has the highest unemployment rate in the country along with the highest gas prices (Chicago area). Yet my apartment rent just went up $100.00!

The comforts of Fall. More than ever I will use the beauty and hope nature inspires to give me courage and strength. It is free (except for the pumpkin lattes) and abundant. I'm not sure I can say that over the next month I'll be happy (too much stress and strain for that). But I can try and be cheerful despite the hardships. And by making a concerted effort to focus on nature, maybe I can be distracted and propelled on to the beauty of the holiday season.

Getting though one day at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time.

Strength and Reslove

2011-09-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the last Fall Curriculum Night I'll have to attend on my own. Mixed feelings but far more positive than negative. I really needed a shot of motivation to help me get through this next year because in a way, I've already checked out. But hearing my son's teachers praise the students and talk about how much they love teaching inspired me to put my nose to the grindstone and just get through this next year. I owe it to my son. I know it is hard for those outside our community to understand how special the boys' high school is but it is the ONE reason I've remained in this town.

Over and over tonight, I heard the teachers state how wonderful their school is, and the principal always mentions this every time she addresses the parents. The teachers all spoke of how fortunate they are to be able to teach at the school, and to have such top notch students and involved parents.

After getting my oldest off to college, I was feeling somewhat down and dreading having to get through one more year in this town. I am so ready to leave and move to a more affordable and rural location. Finances are very precarious for us right now and I am so very, very tired of struggling to barely make ends meet. That aspect of my life is just exhausting. But I have to keep my eyes and focus on the bigger picture. When all is said and done, later in my life, I hope the financial struggles will be a faint memory but that the memory of my sons attending and graduating from such a fine high school will be one of which I am most proud. Proud that I stuck out hardship to give my sons a solid education leading to college. Proud that they flourished and were popular students, especially after the losses in their lives. This school has been a beacon of stability and strength in our lives when that has been so lacking otherwise.

I have no doubt that the next months will be tough on my bank account and nerves. When times get really low I need to remember tonight. And the pride I felt for our little family, making it through hardship and focusing on quality education. My finances WILL eventually improve. What I've given my sons has been priceless and worth it.

My son's science teacher warned the parents (all of senior students) that the kids can't check out yet. College applications haven't been submitted - it isn't safe to slack off now. I thought that some of us parents are feeling the same way as our seniors right now so maybe my son and I can both motivate each other throughout this final year.

One teacher commented that life goes by so quickly. Senior year will be gone in a blink of an eye and to remind our students to enjoy this final year. In some ways I fear the year will go too slowly since we are struggling financially. I do hope it will be a fast year. As hard as it may get, I have to remember to enjoy these final seasons in a town I once so loved. But gosh, I am so ready to be out of here!!!

I was far less focused on being by myself tonight and tried not to look at all all the couples surrounding me. One mother asked a teacher if her kid could get extra credit since both she and her husband were attending. Lucky kid, I thought to myself to have both parents but a pretty stupid request from a silly woman. Then I thought that extra credit should be given to every kid at the school who had an only parent attend. Wish I had had the nerve to make my request like silly, married woman did.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, Labor Day really meant that no one was working except at the hospital. If you needed gas or groceries you waited until Tuesday or prepared by buying them over the weekend. No one went out to McDonald's - we had cookouts with our family. Today that has all changed and what makes me feel sad is that the people I think need and probably deserve the break the most - those working in the service industry of sales and fast food, are actually still working on the day created to give everyone a rest!

Speaking of a rest. My oldest came home from college for the weekend, but this was not a planned visit. He advised me he was coming home while already on the train back. When he texted that he was bringing laundry, I actually groaned out loud. Laundry? I have to do MORE laundry over this holiday weekend? I did the laundry, although one of the nicer aspects of his being away is that there is less to do now. And for those who'd say I should have made him do the laundry, well his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with him, and she was the reason he came home in the first place. I let him sleep in and have a bit of a break before heading back.

I've heard of women in my town who have gone to visit their kids away at school and have spent weekends cleaning their apartments. I don't think I'll ever end up doing that. For one thing, I'm just too tired these days for any more 'labor" or any more than I have to do. I do believe that my tiredness and weariness in regard to housework and such does relate directly to the many years I've been doing it by myself.

I just read that having to make decisions on one's own constantly is a huge responsibility and ends up causing significant life stress. I can attest to that. Apparently a lot of the stress ends up being in regard to fear of making the wrong decisions and then having to live with oneself when a wrong decision is made! Anyway, it is hard to always be the one deciding everything and having to make decisions without input.

So as for labor, I'm ready for retirement and a very long rest with my feet up! (I'm not kidding.)

Awards & Validation

2011-09-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Realignment

2011-09-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

When I dropped my son off at his dorm, they had a Route 66 decoration theme that I thought was very clever and cute. To me it is representative of these freshman students taking off on a road leading them to a new future. All summer long, we prepared for this adventure. I heard some of my friends complain that their kids were acting out by being defiant and rude. I struggled with my son being out til 2 a.m. hanging out with his friends. But otherwise he was a good kid all summer. Working hard at his job and playing baseball on a college league in his spare time which wasn't much. When I brought up how some of his friends were acting out, he scoffed and replied that our family didn't need him to be creating such drama - we'd already seen our share and we wouldn't put us through anymore.

I read in a book about parenting teens headed off to college, that the summer before departure is one of realigning relationships within the family. They also talked about this during our orientation at the college saying that kids act up to create distance between their families, which then makes it easier for them to leave.

One point in the book that I found especially interesting stressed that for single parents, this transition is especially difficult because of the multiple roles a single parent plays. Whenever I encounter a point like this I feel so validated. Someone out there understands how hard it is to be an only parent like I am. I am not crazy feeling so tired, drained, exhausted and frustrated after years of raising my sons on my own. Yes, there is a great part of me that is so proud of how successful my sons are turning out. But it is often trumped by those other feelings which seem to overpower the good.

In my opinion, based on personal experience and my training in psychology, widowhood is far more complicated than people expect or acknowledge. There are so many conflicting layers such as this one: a parent taking on multiple roles. Most people don't stop and think of the complications. They just make comparisons based on other parents. It is rare to come across anyone who makes the distinction between a two-parent unit and a single or only parent one. I just find it an added burden to always be compared to the status quo when I'm so far from it. And I continue to wish that more people were aware of the issues facing only parents. I'm not sure any great changes would come of it. But simply for the public to have some more awareness of what only parent families face, may garner some sympathy and compassion for them in the future. And maybe that would be enough of a change to be helpful for others traveling this road that will follow me with younger children to raise.

Harvest Time

2011-09-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

I passed these bursting berries on a tree and thought that they were a good representation of my sons being launched off into the world. Here it is harvest time and all of nature's bounty is ready to be harvested after the growing season and nourishment of Mother Earth. I guess I see myself as this tree, caring for and helping these berries grow until they reach their potential. The tree has done its job, as have I. One boy is off to college, the other leaving in a year for his college years.

As an only parent, mothering two fatherless sons for almost 10 years now (counting the two my husband was mostly hospitalized), I know that I have pretty much devoted my entire being and focus to raising these young men. It has really taken a lot out of me. Would I do it all over again? Without a doubt but I know first hand the challenges and hardships facing only parents and how much better a situation it is for all involved when two parents are actively raising a family vs. only one.

I am somewhat at odds with my life at this point. Realizing now for the first time how much I need to create a new life for myself because once this year is over, my primary job and focus will no longer exist as I have known and lived it for a decade. I have no hubby to distract me or plan trips with or retire with - I have no career to fall back on. My sons have been my everything and now I'm about to set them free into their first years of young adulthood.

What I am saying is that I need to get a life for myself pretty darn quick! I have a year. I am sure people could point out that the world is my oyster right now and I can dream to accomplish anything. But I don't think it is so easy sometimes. I'm very tired and drained from the past 10 years; I don't have a hubby to support my efforts to go back to school, move or get updated job training. My circle of friends has diminished to a very small circle indeed so at this point the world seems very immense and the oyster seems very, very minute in comparison.

Alone - Really Alone!

2011-07-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I am able to post again! Some weeks ago I snapped this photo at a summer festival my girlfriend and I attended. I kept noticing anyone that was alone. For some reason I have really felt the effects of being on my own for a number of years now. I think it has to do with reaching the milestone of getting one son off to college and really having a perspective of how much that has taken to accomplish on my own.

Another revelation that happened occurred on July 4th. My girlfriend has a party/bbq that day since her divorce and my husband's death. This year my sons were in Lake Geneva, WI boating, but I still attended. Also there, was an old neighbor of my friend, a single mom of three adopted kids. She has had a tough time of it. Her children were born with numerous birth defects from a drug-addicted mom. Anyway, whenever we get together which is a couple of times a year, this mom monopolizes the conversation and goes on and on about how difficult her life is, etc. I try to offer constructive advice and I have to say that I even find it a change to listen to someone who is also struggling. But at the same time, about an hour or two into the conversation it gets pretty old and even I want to shut this woman up. "OK enough already! This is such a downer! I can't stand listening anymore to your problems. Please try and look at things with a more positive attitude..."

Then I remember that this woman doesn't have anyone to talk to, confide in or simply vent to. Getting together with my girlfriend and I are often the only times she has to ask for a second opinion or relate the obstacles she is trying to overcome. I realize that I might sound like a downer when I talk to others too, and that I probably have in the past. Basically, because when you live alone, you end up with all this stuff that needs to get out and to be shared with others. And when that happens you let loose.

It was an odd realization to find myself feeling annoyed with this woman, even when I understood the reasons for her monopolizing the conversation and why it had such a negative slant. Even worse to see myself in her behavior. And still worse to comprehend on a larger scale the effects of living alone and to see them play out before my eyes.

BOO!

2011-07-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.

I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.

I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.

There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?

Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.

People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.

I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.

Transition

2011-07-18T17:21:00.001-07:00

It is that time of year where the weather is scorching but Fall merchandise starts appearing in stores. There is something about this incongruity that really bothers me but in a way it serves to remind us that this too will pass and eventually the heat index won't be 105 degrees.

Now if I just weren't the only person in my household refilling the ice cube tray!

Believe

2011-07-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

Two years ago at this time I was cashiering at a big box store and ringing kids and their parents up for college/dorm gear. I asked each one where they were going, why they were going there, their majors and what they liked best about the college of their choice. I learned about Big 10 schools like Purdue and tiny Christian colleges I'd never heard of. I was particularly interested in comments about the school my oldest wanted to attend. I ONLY heard positives about this school, including how the professors invited the kids over to their homes for dinner parties, ate lunch with their students and even gave out their home phone numbers!

Part of me was disbelieving that my son would be able to go away to school. I figured at best, he'd attend our very good local community college and transfer on for his second or Junior year. We were in the middle of selling our home for a virtual wash (I received sale proceeds only enough to move and put a down payment on an apartment home). It was an extremely difficult and despairing time for me.

But now here we are having recently returned from a long and thorough two-day orientation at that university I ONLY heard good things about. And yes it is true that the profs give out their home numbers - the university President even gave his email out with the assurance that he reads and responds to each and every one!

To go from disbelief to belief! All that worrying and fear for naught. I'm not sure I would not have been able to not worry or despair those years ago. I just wish I hadn't done so much of it. Because I think in the end, hopefully for the most part, life has a way of working out. My son is going to the college of his choice and it is an amazing fit for him. He has already been asked to be a campus student leader and to join a group of young men who escort female students across campus at night for safety. He is also already taking classes in his actual major, which thankfully are his earliest 8:00 a.m. classes so he is eager to get up and attend.

I would describe his college with these words: extremely positive, helpful and welcoming. He was accepted on Feb. 14 and between that time and now received at least 8 phone calls from current students welcoming, congratulating him and acting as a sounding board for any of his concerns or questions. All that positivity those two days at orientation really rubbed off on me. I felt so much more confident, happy and hopeful. It makes me want to be less negative and focused on all that is difficult in my life. Yes, widowhood has its challenges and I don't think I am the best suited person for this lifestyle. I have certainly struggled. But I'd like to take a cue from my son's university here and try to make the next year less of a hardship, drain and chore and more into a hopeful vision of what can be for and in my life in the future. Because in the end all that worrying, anxiety and extra 10 pounds were for nothing. What I couldn't see as happening actually did happen. How easier life would have been if despite the hardships I'd been a bit more believing and hopeful.

So now I know. I know to be more positive, hopeful and enthusiastic for my younger son entering his senior year (and doesn't have a clue where he wants to go) and myself. Because life will probably all turn out over the next year vs. it not turning out. I have learned that because it has happened and I have actual proof.

Life vs. Life

2011-07-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

There is life and then there is life. Ordinary, little day-to-day life like this morning when we're getting ready for a 9:00 a.m. park district baseball game. No one wanted to go - this is a league made up of college-bound young men and it is supposed to be fun. It is Saturday and my youngest is grumpy, annoyed that his brother isn't going because of his work schedulue. None of us are morning people - we're a household of night owls. To curb his frustration my youngest darted about before we left pointing out all the "transgressions" his brother was guilty of. "See," he griped thrusting a pair of boxers into my face. "He left them on the sofa - your nice new sofa. And he left the orange juice out all night. And I stepped on a plate of catsup from the dish he left on the floor. He didn't text the coach to tell him he isn't coming and I was yelled at the last time because the coach had to change the lineup. And I shouldn't be yelled at. So, what are you going to do about all this? I can't wait til he is gone..."

Not the kind of thing I want to hear or deal with trying to get out to make it on time for a game a fair distance away. Of course, I took the wrong route, opting for a less traveled way instead of going through all the quaint little towns inbetween. There was a big accident with a car completely overturned. As I rerouted myself I kept wondering what the driver had been doing to end up that way at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I thought about my sons driving late at night when it is far more dangerous. I also considered the heavy traffic there always is in our area. It is frustrating.

My rerouting took me smack dab in the middle of one of our cute, nearby historic towns having their Saturday a.m. outdoor market. So another reroute. Then more slow, busy traffic on the exact route I'd hoped to avoid. As we drove, my youngest proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with me as a person and parent. On the stands I was glad to hear that I am not the only parent being treated to this perspective. So there you have it. A mere morning in the day of a life and certainly enough on one's plate to deal with.

But then there is the other stuff of life that exists along with all the ordinary dealings. Bring out the big guns here. Unemployment, financial issues, kids venturing off to college for the first time or kids in their Senior year of high school. For me the big stuff now involves Sam losing his job for the second time in two years. They are closing the retail store he manages. We were in the middle of getting a home together and have of course had to cancel the contract - the closing was supposed to be 7/29.

I haven't written about the home situation, I suppose I did not want to tempt fate. But fate was tempted anyway. The past month I have been on pins and needles and doing a fair amount of emotional eating (not good) waiting to see how Sam's job would pan out. There had been hope that he'd be transferred to another local location but he was pretty much just jacked around by the corporate bigwigs - getting put off and not given any answers.

There it is again. What haunts me so much - the not knowing, and the uncertainty. Eventually one can only take so much of it. I am sad, disappointed, feeling like every time I take a risk and put myself out there I get burned. I was the one who put down the earnest money and it is hard to lose money when you don't have much in the first place. The house was truly a dream home for me - built in 1895 and completely redone with a gourmet kitchen, a loft and tons of room for my antiques. I was so looking forward to getting them out of storage and into a home that would do them justice.

Now I have a morose guy on my hands upset with me for not going to visit him during this crisis. But I've put him off because we had the American Idol trip and next week will be gone for two days at my son's Freshman College Orientation. I feel like I have to focus on my sons, getting one safely off to college and launching the other into his Senior year. Both boys work and are out and about with friends every day. My oldest just went to Milwaukee to see Katy Perry. I don't like being away from them on weekends, 3 1/2 hours away. I truly feel my job and attention should be centered on my kids (and myself - the emotional eating is not healthy).

So into all these elements of life is the only parent card and the loyalty and responsibility I feel toward my sons. Most people don't get the reality of having to be "it" 24/7 and what that does to you. Sam believes my sons are old enough to be on their own so I get his demands conflicting with how I want/need to parent.

Deep down, sad as this is to say, I also just don't have the energy anymore to take on someone else's issues on top of mine. I'm barely handling my own life. I don't have it in me anymore. It truly is what it is. I can't pretend to be strong when I'm not. It makes me say again that lots of loss doesn't necessarily mean we'll grow stronger. Sometimes we just grow more weary and dismayed.

I've dealt with enough instability and the unknown. Where will Sam end up? He may move to Minnesota to be closer to his son but then we'll be two states apart for the next year (he doesn't want to move in with me for the next year and I am sad about that - he thinks the apartment is too cramped. But then I get upset that it is good enough for my sons and I but not Sam and we don't want to go there now).

It has surprisingly helped me to get this all out after being bottled up for so long. I am trying to refocus on little things. Downsizing, so when I can move after my youngest graduates (just 10 months away!) I'll be ready to pack more lightly. I find tremendous peace on my Wednesday antiquing trips out to the country and I know that in 10 months we'll be moving SOMEWHERE out of the Chicago area. I am so ready - it is time to move on. The cost of living is too high for someone in my situation, just the gas prices alone are the highest in the country and my apartment rent is more than half my monthly pension check. I am tired of scrimping to the bone. So I am happy thinking forward to a new life.

I am building up a little collection of vintage pottery - all the pieces cost $5.00 or so and that interest is something that can help me keep going in the months ahead. The upcoming trip to my son's rural college town is another opportunity to check out a new community although I don't think he'd be thrilled with my moving there. But who knows? We're not a typical family unit in the first place, maybe he'd be okay with it. And I could go back to school for my doctorate as a townee (sp?).

Today was the first in so many where I thought about knitting - I've been so down that knitting has seemed a chore rather than a joy as it usually is to me. But I am now planning to make two leaf scarves for Fall and that is providing me with some inspiration and hope.

I just basically want an easier and less stressful life. I had thought that was going to happen with the house and Sam but life has thrown another curve ball. I hate the unknown future and the lack of security I so need. But for now all I can do is to focus on my sons, my knitting and this apartment because it is what exists right now. To wrap up this post, I do envy those marrieds sitting on the baseball stands with me this morning. To constantly have to ride the roller coaster of life on one's own is a big drag. The little inclines can be tough enough and then there are those really steep ones that follow. I have found that the balancing of life's ups and downs on one's own to be one of the most difficult aspects of widowhood.

Wisdom From the Arch

2011-07-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with St. Louis. It is a clean, pretty city, very easy to travel in. After living in the Chicago area all my life, the traffic there was nothing! Lots of pretty plants, flowers and parks. I felt safe.

While visiting the Arch, we spent some time in the gift store looking at the books. I was captivated by the large number of diary accounts from women who'd gone West. Part of me knows I'd have made a lousy pioneer. Think about how rustic life was back then. I can't get through a day without showering. Back then they only washed up once a week if that. And how would I live without some makeup? Good thing I'm living now though of course modern life brings on a different set of difficulties.

I love the whole symbolism of the Arch. That it is a tribute to those who went Westward despite the dangers and passed through St. Louis as the gateway to a new life. The shape of the Arch is derived from the bridge that was built over the river because St. Louis was missing out on much needed trade to Chicago because they were cut off from trade routes. The designer of the bridge had never built one before and used arches in the construction. Even today, bridges follow his structural design.

Even way back then, men and women advertised for mates in the personals. But I saw that most advertising were widows, usually with a child or two. They were willing to travel Westward for another chance at marriage. This just confirms my belief that there is something inside us that seeks companionship on an imtimate level.

One of the diary accounts I was leafing through ended with this: the authour was at the end of her life somewhere on the West coast. She had lived as a rancher admitting that her life at times had been very hard. But she added, a life without challenges didn't seem to her to be as full when compared to an easier life when everything always went well.

Grief vs. Restructuring

2011-07-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

This may be the most important post I ever write on this blog. I'm reading the new grief book that has been in the news, Ruth Davis Konigsberg's, "The Truth About Grief." Basically, the author asserts that new research, of which there is not a whole lot, points to the fact that "most" people suffering a loss can "get through it" in the course of six months to a year without extensive therapy, endless blogging or "walking into the pain." I won't dispute this assertion. In my case, the day my husband died I knew he was gone. I did mourn for him but never longed for him after his death because I knew he was gone. So why have I resorted to blogging and detailing my life as a widow?

This book in one small paragraph mentions the "restructuring" that widows and widowers have to go through after the death of their spouse. This involves creating new lives as singles, only parenting if there are kids, creating new identities, having to learn new skills, handling new tasks, dating again and so on. This is all referred to as restructuring. I have called it secondary grief losses in previous posts but I think restructuring is a far more descriptive term.

I think what happens is that most people do probably get through the grieving portion of a loss but then get tripped up on the restructuring part. At least that is how I'd describe it in my life. I really have had a challenging time in picking up the pieces and going forward. My restructuring skills haven't been that strong and dealing with financial issues stemming from a recession and more loss from failed relationships hasn't helped.

So some people may see my struggling as grief but I do believe that has long passed and what is really at issue is the fact that I've just had a tough time living and raising my sons on my own. Just one small paragraph is a book. Funny, when I first went to therapy it had nothing to do with grieving for my husband but figuring out what I was going to do with my job - whether to quit because the hours were unsuitable for my life as an only parent.

Anyway, that is my take on it. And I guess holding this perspective I'd hope that there may be more emphasis on how to help people like me better handle the restructuring aspect of widowhood because so many years later I'm still in the thick of it with not a whole lot of light at the end of the tunnel. I keep looking for that light though...

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

This photo was taken on one of my antiquing trips out into the countryside. I stop and take photos of anything that catches my eye. What a cool sculpture!

My boys are in Lake Geneva, which is a lovely resort town on the Illinois/Wisconsin line with their older brother and his wife, whose family has a lakehouse there. Lucky them! They went tubing this a.m. and will be boating. I will soon go out to my girlfriend's annual July 4th BBQ. She has had it for years and I am fortunate to have a place to relax, eat tasty food and celebrate.

There will be grilled chicken, burgers, hot dogs, brats, various chips and fruit salad. I am contributing potato salad, baked beans, coleslaw, cheery and blueberry cobblers with ice cream. AND there will be enough leftovers for when the boys get home!

I hope everyone reading has good food to eat and a chance to put your feet up and relax. Hopefully, you'll spend some time with friends and/or family. Really, in the end, this is what truly matters - food. family/friends, and the opportunity to enjoy some downtime after putting in a rewarding week of work be it at home or after punching a time clock. Fancy things come way down on the list.

St. Louis Road Trip

2011-07-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

The boys and I took a short road trip to St. Louis this past weekend, culminating with a tryout for American Idol on Tuesday for my oldest. I have just gotten to the point where I feel like going and doing things for the pure heck of it. No, my son didn't make it on to the finals but we weren't anticipating he would. We did it for the adventure, the experience and in hopes of him conncenting with people in the industry - not to mention, it gave us an excuse to finally go on a much-needed vacation, as it has been eight years for us without one.

My son was complimented whenever he sang, even by the Idol judges. He organized nightly sing-a-alongs at our hotel where the kids competing sang for the guests during Happy Hour. He also helped set-up the group to sing in the line while waiting to go in for the auditions - that was at 5 a.m., making it onto the local news and being taped by the Idol crew. I received some compliments by fellow moms about my two boys - how nice, well-mannered, handsome, friendly, good kids they are.

In just two days we went to the Arch, the zoo and a baseball game. Alot seen and done. It just was the tip of the iceberg for me. Now I realize that we need to make time in the future for these get-aways, even if they are local.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained," was the phrase that kept repeating in my mind during this trip. How many people can say they've been to an American Idol audition? I should add, that it is nothing like what ends up being seen on t.v. - all very staged and set up but still a neat experience. None of the 45 kids staying in our hotel made it forward, and I'd have to say most were extrodinary singers. I told my son that the majority of kids there were ones with good voices singing cover songs. But my son is composing instrumental and vocal pieces and has enough material to get a CD out right now. Every opportunity is another step along the way.

I even met a nice mom from Texas and she and I hung out together. That was unexpected but nice. I hope we can stay in touch. We've already received an offer from her to visit.

So all in all a great experience but tiring. At the Arch I started to cry seeing all the families together and remembering how much my late husband enjoyed traveling. He would have loved to have been on that trip with us. I realized that since we've never been on a vacation before that this reaction has been slow in coming - almost eight years after his death. So I think that sometimes it can take us longer to pass through all the avenues of loss because we've managed to bypass that exit. And then we do drive down that avenue and even the passage of time provides no buffer.

My husband and I did so much traveling and whenever I got back I'd be so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to stetch my wings and viewpoint. Staying in our little neck of the woods the past years has resulted in my being somewhat stagnant. Meeting new people and seeing new places and things is a way to grow and expand ourselves. I can see how I've hidden away in this very insulating community out of fear and sadness. Even with my boys being older it was hard for me to take responsibility on my own for this short trip and get us all packed, and out, etc. It might be easier to stay put and live with the status quo but I can't do that anymore. And I'm glad my son is of the same nature, fighting back nerves and dealing with disappointment to take a chance and audition for Idol.

Lost Minds and Cookbooks

2011-06-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

You know it is bad PMS when you go ahead and order the XL frozen hot chocolate. $4.00 well spent.

Had a bad week. Was getting worried since I felt so down and out, not to mention fatigued/drained. What was getting me the most down was even just the thought of doing all the household chores - laundry, cleaning, cooking. shopping, taking the garbage/recycling out. Didn't have it in me to do any of this stuff - virtually no energy. Also, feel some testiness which means general annoyance at stupid people, e.g. semitruck drivers who don't wait in line like the rest of us for 15 minutes in construction zones and just cut in.

I do get depressed at having to do everything on my own and living alone. It seems so endless and I'm so tired from the previous years of doing everything. It is a big fat myth that adversity makes one stronger. In my opinion, it just makes you more depleted with less hope and energy. The exact opposite of what people always perkily quip.

Tonight I was ready to make two dinners with sale ingredients from the store, but then I couldn't find the cookbook I needed to use. I was so dispirited after this. Not being able to find things is pretty much a daily occurrence in my home. I would say that it stems from a combination of not enough time to stay on top of clutter as an only parent always running around after teen boys and trying to maintain a household without another parental unit for support or teamwork.

So I decided to stop fretting about the cookbook - I mean where can a cookbook go if it is not on the bookshelf, or floor (looked under all furniture and the bed) and in the kitchen and even went out to the cars, but how or why it would have ended up there didn't seem likely. I decided to whip up a huge batch of French Toast to use up some eggs. But then I couldn't find the vanilla extract when I'm sure there was a full bottle around just the other day. Where would a bottle of vanilla go if it isn't in the cabinets or with the spices? Maybe I am really out of it and just don't remeber using it all? That's another side effect of always having to stay on top of life by your lonesome - sometimes you do lose it, you just can't help it, the cards come tumbling down.

I try to keep the stress of my life as a long-term only parent out of the equation of my moods but find that sometimes I can't. Why should I put on my happy face all the time? "It is what it is," everyone always says. Combine life with PMS and it can feel pretty insurmountable.

Security

2011-06-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

I was at Barnes and Noble last week for a browse (can't buy anything there when there is a half-price book store down the street) and flipped through "Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life" by Gail Blanke. There was a chapter that caught my attention titled "Letting Go of Needing to Feel Secure." Really, I mused. What's so wrong with wanting to feel secure? Isn't it an almost instinctive quality within us?

Think about how some have been told to marry for security over love. Or even my parents urging me to change my college major from Music Therapy to basically anything else because they didn't think I'd find a job. Or if I did, it wouldn't pay the rent.

After losing my home, which provied me a tremenous amount of security and a sense of identity along with two husbands (ditto the security and identity) I think it would be questionable if I just threw up my hands and said, "Let life take me where it will. I'm ready for the ride!"

Somehow these losses have made me less open to the randomness of the future. I want to feel some level of security within my life be it a strong, loving relationship. solid home around me or decent job in which I feel valued and productive. I think when these things are lacking it is very difficult to feel content and "happy" in one's life. I guess I believe that there has to be a certain level of stability surrounding someone or all bets are off for personal happiness.

Maybe it is easier for people who have a decent level of structure and security already existing as a foundation to throw more caution to the wind. But I believe when your foundation has been shaken and you have lost what has been of value to you, that there is no harm in seeking what makes you feel secure. I am finding that as I continue this widowhood path, the more I seem to disagree with all the advice, like this, out there. I'm finding it all doesn't pass muster with what I have felt and experienced. As for this advice, no way am I going to give up on my search for attaining more security in my life.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

I never had any observations for my late husband after the funeral and memorial service. The immediate years following his death resulted in my caring for my youngest who'd been diagnosed with a heart condition and then my parents. There wasn't much time or energy to think, reflect or honor our past. We were all just so tied in with the current chaos.

Now that has all ebbed and so today there was some time for reflection while we were at our baseball game - the boys play in a summer league with the same team they've been on since their dad died. I will admit that there was a small pang seeing all the kids with their fathers and to be sitting on the bleachers without a hubby by my side. After the game, the boys and I went to Red Lobster for that 4-course $15.00 meal special. A splurge I know, but I felt like going out and wanted to experience the special before it ended.

I asked my sons how they felt today, what it is like to be a fatherless kid on Father's Day on the way to the restaurant. At one point, I mentioned how I have always hated hearing that pat phrase that kids are so resilient. What does that really mean anyway? I find it interesting that those who relate that statement to me are people who haven't experienced a major loss in their lives. I have come to believe that if they had, they wouldn't be spitting out this phrase to me. Because it means nothing. It doesn't take away the fact that my kids grew up without a father for most of their lives (he was sick for three years before his death).

Losing a father is a major loss and it should be respectfully acknowledged as such, not brushed away by the belief that kids will survive and go on. Yes, they will but their childhoods do influence their futures. Instead of being told that kids are resilient I would have rather heard some statement validating our reality - something along the lines of: "Your kids suffered a tough blow and it is too bad." Don't try to gloss over their situation and make it better by spewing out these statments we have come to believe as being true without having the personal experience to verify them as such.

My youngest son replied, "People are so naive. They have no idea." It got to the point that when people would say things to me like, "There are lots of widows out there funcitioning just fine" and so on, that I would hotly reply, "Oh, really? How many widows my age do you personally know?" Then when they would admit "None" I would just look at them - enough said.

Antiquing

2011-06-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy antiquing, although it has really taken a back seat in my life the past years. Now, I am making a point of visiting antique stores. The American made pottery and glassware I collect offer many items that can be found for $10-20. To me, there is something so fun and exciting about the "hunt" for pieces. But I think it may also have to do with the fact that as a child, my family would go to flea markets every Sunday. Then after the market, we'd have a meal out.

All four kids and two parents packed into a Beetle Bug. Funny how I have no desire to drive one (too small) but I do drive a PT Cruiser. Anyway, I recall these excursions taking place while I was in Junior High through my first year of high school. I remember that all of us kids would bring our homework to complete in the car! One of my brothers would have had to sit I think in that tiny back. We called it the "way back." I started to collect antique dolls and Valentine postcards. Nothing costly - I even believe I spent the first $5.00 I earned babysitting at a flea market.

It was at those markets that my family "acted" normal. Although my parents could still yell at each other in the Bettle, at least in the flea market mall they had to behave themselves. Maybe that is why I am finding myself "feeling" so secure and safe when I'm browsing in an antiques shop. It brings back memories of when I really did fell safe and secure as a child in a childhood where there aren't many memories of that.

My youngest son and I have gone on a couple of antique jaunts together and he has become quite in-the-know about the glassware I collect and is able to spot it. This time my oldest agreed to accompany us, maybe inspired by the fact that I offered to splurge on Steak n' Shake with the coupons I had. Oh I forgot, his girlfriend was out of town at her college orientation in Iowa. But no matter, I was happy both of my sons would be with me.

We hit a store out in the country about 45-minutes away. I'd never been there and it was in a beautiful old stone house. My oldest son was enthusiastic browsing and found a minature horse family in Bone China for $9.00. He purchased it for his girlfriend who is planning to be a vet. He also bought a beer stein for $10.00 deciding to start a collection in honor of his dad who was of Austrian heritage. I told him that his father had a collection himself and that I carefully packed it away, although it is hidden somewhere now in the storage shed.

I found it interesting that he would decide to start this collection which is similar to why my youngest son collects sports items from Wisconsin teams - it is where his dad grew up and went to college for his BA.

The women vendors at the shop fell in love with my sons. The fact that my oldest bought the horses for his girlfriend was sweet, as was my youngest going around and spotting my glassware. My boys are tall, good looking young men - like I don't state that enough in these posts. They're just such nice kids, wearing their Young Life shirts and interacting so pleasantly. I got to talking with one of the women who told me about her two daughters in college. I mentioned raising the boys on my own because of my husband dying. I don't bring it up that much anymore but I think I wanted some credit since the women were gushing over my sons.

This woman replied with one of those ignorant remarks that makes you just want to scream and which we get our share of. Hers was after a mumbled kind of I'm sorry: "Oh, I know someone whose father-in-law just died." Hmmm I thought. How does that relate to me or losing a husband and then having to become an only parent? Answer: absolutely nothing. But I wasn't in the mood to comment or correct her. She'd said a lot of nice compliments about my boys and I decided to let her slide. If I ever go back to the shop though and she is there, I may say something.

Seven Year Fatigue

2011-06-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

I seem to be more tired than I ever have been before. Why is this I wonder? My life is on the upswing. Really. Have seven long years of widowhood and only parenting finally caught up with me? And why now?

Yes, I only get three-four hours of sleep a night some nights. I wait up for my sons to get home. And with many graduation parties going on to 2:00 a.m. the past few weeks, that has taken a toll. I try to nap and catch up on my sleep but I'm still groggy during the day. And I suffer from headaches frequently. Senior year, especially this past winter-spring, has been especially busy for us with lots of events to attend, etc. So we can add that to the mix. Along with college apps. and all that stress too.

All these years of focusing on my boys and pretty much devoting my life and free time to them. And here one will be off to college in two months. I should be kicking up my heels with happiness at my son's success and my part in helping him succeed.

Maybe concentrating so much on my sons' lives has caused me to not know how to do so with mine? Maybe I don't know how to deal with free time or life without a dozen conflicts to keep me busy. Case in point: Graduation Day. We failed to get our graduation tickets. I didn't open the envelope until that morning, and could only think, "Why me, why us? We've already had to deal with so much." But come heck or high water, I was going to be at that ceremony. My son spoke to the principal beforehand and we got it covered. But then I stepped in gum in the parking lot...

Maybe our bodies have some kind of sixth sense where they don't break down until they know it is safer to do so. Maybe now that life is settling down for me, my body is collapsing. That is kind of a scary thought.

So, I am doing my best to focus on summer fun. I've been taking little day trips on my day off to the nearby countryside which is very relaxing for me. I am finding parks and hideaways that bring me peace just looking at them. And I am going to take a summer vacation - a weekend retreat by myself, which I've been promising to do for years. It'll be the first vacation in what, nine years? No vacations may have something to do with that fatigue I'm feeling right now.

If I had to describe it, it would be like wanting to just collapse on the floor and then melt away... I sometimes talk about all the myths of widowhood and only parenting that I have come to know. One is that stress and having to constantly make it on your own don't end up making you stronger - just more exhausted and defeated. You'd think that after seven years I'd be used to this lifestyle and all that goes with it. But I just feel the walls tumbling down. This is not a "normal" life at all. Another myth, that there can be "a new normal" whatever that is supposed to mean.

Curse of the Cap Sleeves

2011-06-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ha, ha. I told my youngest that I was having trouble with a title for this post. He looked at the photos and suggested "Purple Odd Clothing." Maybe the clothing manufacturers should listen to him. Anyway, this post is inspired by the fact that I tried to buy a new outfit for my oldest son's graduation without luck. I ended up wearing a pretty linen top in coral paired with a pair of sage green capri pants. It looked nice with the addition of a multi-colored stone necklace. But I would have enjoyed wearing something new.

After a number of years of being unable to afford to buy new clothing and making due, I am severely disappointed by the choices greeting me in the stores. What is it about the cap sleeves this season? Those cap sleeves are why I didn't purchase anything for the graduation. Really. How many women are lucky enough to be able to wear tops or dresses with them?

The average size of an American woman is 14. And based on the women I've seen in these tops, they shouldn't be wearing them .

Designers take note: if you want to play toward a trend go for it but at least offer other options. To go into Talbot's and not find one top with sleeves other than capped is pretty bad.

Now on to the bathing suit issue. As it is 101 degrees here I decided to get a new bathing suit so I can use the pool in our complex. Went on the "dreaded" bathing suit hunt only to find that the stores don't have any more in stock! I asked the saleswoman at the national clothing store chain when I "should" have purchased a suit and she advised in January. Now that was the time we were dealing with overly harsh winter and I tell you even thinking about a bathing suit was the virtual LAST thing on my mind!

Lucily, I was able to order the absolute last suit remaining in my size online at the store! It better fit because if it doesn't I quess I won't be going swimming this summer. I have heard of some moms who have been unable to find mittens, gloves and hats for their kids who've lost them in January. This is so silly. Appropriate merchandise should remain out and available when it is needed.

And here is my grand finale! My Mary Maxim Craft Catalog arrived in the mail today - the Fall issue! But I just don't have any urge to be crafting pumkins and scarecrows right now!

Four Things to Remember

2011-06-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

The graduation speeches were excellent. I gained a lot from hearing them even though they were geared to the graduates. One speech in particular really hit a nerve. It was given by a retiring history teacher, which my husband also taught.

The speech centered on four things this teacher hoped the students would remember. He joked that the only thing he remembered about his high school graduation was the three parties he attended afterward.

The four things he spoke about were:

1. Do what you love. If you don't, you're probably not going to be very happy.

2. Learn and practice humility. We're all going to fail and fall.

3. Life is difficult. Accept that and accept responsibilty for your actions instead of blaming others.

4. In a society that seems to only recognize greatness, it is okay to just be good - a good parent, a good neighbor, a good citizen of the world, a good employee...

How applicable this insight is for people of all life stages. Here I am at mid-life, like so many others, trying to figure out a new career direction. It was good to be reminded to concentrate on what I love.

Boy oh boy, have I fallen in the recent years since my husband's death. I've had a hard time making it on my own as an only parent. And I've made mistakes and the wrong decisions. I need to cut myself some slack.

Just the other day I was mulling over how hard I've been on myself the past years as a widow, always putting myself down for seemingly not being able to keep up with married parents. I thought that I need to stop this way of thinking and simply accept that I truly have done the best I can under sometimes trying circumstances. I totally agree that it is a fine accomplishment to be excellent but sometimes good is actually what is more important.

Fine points to consider and reflect on for all of us "graduates" of the world.

Everything With Grace

2011-06-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my son's original composition for wind ensemble was performed at the Senior Farewell Band Concert. The piece was great but I was even more impressed by the creative thought process behind my son's work.

His director introduced the piece by admitting that when he had first heard it, he had not believed my son had written it - it is that good. "Where did you copy this from?" he asked my son. He went on to say how much the top band had embraced the piece and one of the students had quessed it had been my son's. During the semester, the director asked my son to address the band about his compositional process. And this is what I am most proud of.

My son related that during life we all grow and change. We face trials and tribulations. But he believes through it all that we must conduct ourselves with grace. That grace needs to be a part of everything. I reflected on this and tried to understand what my son meant. That whatever happens to us, we need to be gracious, strong and have dignity. That we celebrate our successes joyfully but without gloating. And we rejoice when others have their turn at the top. When times are tough, we don't give up but stand tall and keep on going. And we are kind, respectful and understanding to others.

My sister said that my son's piece sounded as good as those written by actual composers. As a surprise, my son got to sit in the audience to hear his work when he had expected to be playing it along with the rest of the band.

The director said he is very moved whenever he hears my son's composition and told the audience he felt they would be moved too. The piece is titled "Grace Be With Us" and I am inspired by my son to try and hold the words "Everything With Grace" close to my heart. We were asked to write a speical message to our senior for the band memory book. I included how much my son inspires me because he lives his beliefs every day. What a cool thing to be at a place where I am learning from my son instead of the other way around.

I was out in the country visiting an antique shop (something I've wanted to do for eight years). I took these photos and now see them as a good representation of my son's journey to college, in a very rural town, four hours away. He will be taking that road into the future in just a few months but I am feeling confident that he is starting out on his new path with a strong foundation under him. Maybe stronger than most other young people.

Do What You Love

2011-06-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

Seeing this picture of the graduates throwing their caps into the air brings tears to my eyes as it did when it occurred earlier this afternoon.

The ceremony started with the playing of my son's composition, which took a moment for me to figure out was his because he added orchestral parts. When I asked him about this later he told me he had composed the string parts his last two days of school. The piece was even more amazing with the addition of the orchestra. I wanted to scream into the audience, "My son wrote this!" But most people were talking and preoccupied with their own families and kids...

The message that came up over and over in the speeches by staff and students was to do what you love. Just a few weeks ago I voiced my reservations about my son majoring in music. I suggested he focus on criminal justice. When I mentioned this to my sister she asked me why? I told her I felt there is more stability in that field vs. music. She replied, why should I doubt that my son might make it in a music career - he certainly has the talent.

After today, I am ready to say to him, "Just go for it." Every night he is at the computer composing music and every day I come home to a notebook left on the sofa with the words to a new song in it. It is what he loves.

My son's half-brother attended the ceremony with his wife. He is a teacher like his dad, 10 years older than my son. He gave my son a gift check and a card in which he wrote the words their father had written to him upon his graduation, a few years before his death. My son was very moved by these words. They were to the effect to do what you love but to not forget to be of service to others. My son cried and felt that his father was a part of this special day. And I was reminded of the strength and character my late husband always demonstrated. My husband, the man who loved fine arts, music and teaching history. But who gave tirelessly to the community and others.

I think my son inherited these gifts from his father and I. His musical talents and his kindness and compassion to others.

The music director is submitting my son's compositon to a national competition as an entry. I believe my son is already a great winner.

We celebrate milestones with special ceremonies like this one today. All this talk about doing what you love makes me realize that that is still one area in my life that I have to work on. Going to work as a restaurant hostess has quickly lost its appeal. I need and must do something with my life that has more substance and meaning. It is not so easy to rebuild one's life on so many levels - it takes time, planning and sometimes must be put on hold because other aspects of life require more attention, such as raising kids and getting them through high school.

Today was my son's day and a very good one at that. But it is also a wake-up moment for me to see that there is still work to be done on my end. It is funny but after eight long years of widowhood and only parenting, I'm not sure what I love anymore. I thought the library assistant program might be an option but there aren't any jobs in that field in the state Sam resides and where I will be moving next year. Back to square one.

But in the meantime I will reflect on this special day and the wonderful four years my son had in high school. I could not have asked for any more for him in regard to a positive high school experience. The teachers as a surprise, lined up in the hallway to clap for the students as they progressed out of the gym. Apparently the line was delayed because my son hugged all of his teachers as he saw them. My friend, a teacher at the school, told me how well my son is liked by the staff. Would he have been as popular and as much of a school leader if his father hadn't died? I guess I tend to think we pretty much are who we are, although I have no doubt that my husband's death has affected my son's overall outlook and spirit.

I was unaware of how difficult from an emotional level these past few weeks would be. Now that it is over I can see how much I wish my husband could have been by my side celebrating in the success of a very talented young man, his son.

Summer Slowdown

2011-06-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in a bit. Too much going on with my graduating senior and the end-of-the-school-year. Plus, our computer wasn't working well and I ended up buying a new one. We were without a computer a few days and now I'm trying to get used to this one's format. My youngest had to upload this photo for me as I was having trouble...

Anyway, I saw this gardening truck near my job this week on my way to work and stopped to snap this photo. It made me think of how summer is the season for most of us when we can relax a bit more and slow down. And if it isn't, we need to make an effort to do so. That will be my focus this summer. To make more time for fun and to recover from the eight long years that I've devoted to my boys - to get them through high school and on their way to college - concentrating on all their activities and interests so they'd become well-rounded and stay out of trouble.

It was all worth it and I'd do it all over again. But the past years have taken a severe toll. I am drained, tired, depleted and spent.

Tomorrow is my oldest's graduation ceremony. The band will be playing his original composition again (still need to post about the band concert in which it debuted). I absolutely dreaded attending this event on my own. For some reason it seemed doubly painful to be sitting alone. Although my close girlfriend will be on stage as she is a teacher at the high school, I will be sitting with her family - her ex-husband, his mom and their two sons. I could not bear to be in among the sea of parents by my lonesome without some anchor to grab on to. Especially on this significant day.

I am so happy and elated for all of the accomplishments my oldest achieved in his highly successful high school career. But there is also a part of me that is somewhat numb as this era comes to a close. I think widows often find themselves feeling conflicted emotions - it comes with the territory. It has been a long, hard road and although the ending is turning out to be a good one, I simply can't and won't wipe out the tears and trials that accompanied this journey.

There is celebration but also a sense of reality and somberness about the past. All the more reason to make this summer of fun a reality!

What Next?

2011-05-26T20:37:00.001-07:00

We live in a society where apparently wire tomato cages are no longer acceptable and colored ones need to be in our gardens. Are you kidding me? In today's economy they're producing products like this? We seem to be more concerned with "stuff" and less concerned with helping people, particularly woman, lead less stressed-out lives.

Here is my crazy story for the day. These past few weeks leading up to high school graduation have been a crazed, somewhat overwhelming stream of days and nights, one after the other, with no break for a breather. I was pretty tired today and after work lay down for a brief rest. I awakened at 6:00 with my youngest son in the shower. I figured it was Friday morning and that I had slept through the night although it didn't really seem I had.

My son asked for money, which I assumed was for lunch out. He said he and his friends were going to Taco Bell and I figured with the finals schedule, most kids have free periods or leave early and get lunch out. I noticed with some alarm that my oldest wasn't home - I asked my youngest where he was and was told he had slept over at a friend's. My youngest appeared to be leaving for school so I gave him some Fiber One Bars to take for breakfast. He took them without any word. As soon as he left, I called my oldest to be sure he would be at school for the graduation ceremony practice. He laughingly told me it was Thursday. It wasn't Thur. I informed him but Friday! We bantered back and forth a bit. No one mentioned that it was Thur. p.m. so I kept assuming it was still Thur. a.m.

I started to question my sanity. Where and how had I goofed up my week like this? I still believed it was Fri. a.m. and actually made a cup of tea and ate a granola bar for breakfast. I was about ready to jump in the shower to get ready for work when I made some more calls and finally figured out that I had only been asleep two hours instead of the entire night.

I was pretty relieved at this because what upset me the most about this entire mix-up was the fact that I thought I had to work two more days instead of only one.

What a strange and somewhat disconcerting experience. To be so busy and tired that you lose track of time and the days. And this has not been the first time something like this has happened. I lost an entire week back in January!

You'd think that with all our technology and advances in science and manufacturing that some attention could be directed toward reducing the stress and strain existing in our lives. I guess what I'm feeling is that instead of even MORE choices at the stores such as these tomato cages (which ARE cute, I agree but entirely unnecessary) that we need to reduce our choices. Anyway, that is just my opinion. That of an over-stressed, over-worked, over-tired mom trying to keep it together as we enter the final week before graduation.

I must say everyone is getting a good laugh out of this. Sam mentioned that I have seemed VERY tired the past few days and my oldest son commented that I was really out of it. The fact that I ate a granola bar with tea thinking it was the a.m. when it was the p.m. is very amusing to me. Might I recommend Nature Valley Crunchy "Oats 'n Dark Chocolate" - very tasty!

Recognition

2011-05-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to blog the past week due to a computer virus that didn't allow me to access the internet. Luckily, my oldest, was able to download an anti-virus program and our service was restored.

Last night, was the long-awaited Senior Farewell Band Concert which debuted my oldest son's original band composition. I will post on that separately as it was a very special moment worthy of its own recognition. In this post I will relate some personal comments that I don't want part of that.

My sister and close girlfriend attended the concert with me. FINALLY, after all these years, I wasn't alone in the audience! My sister commented that she has never believed me when I've told her that there aren't any parents sitting alone at our high school events. She was going to point out a man and women she saw alone, until she looked again, and saw that their respective spouses had arrived late. She admitted that there weren't any people alone in the audience, save one man I stopped to chat with who was reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."

She also acknowledged after the concert how polite, respectful and loving my sons are. She noted that my oldest was so modest and without an ego, despite huge amounts of praise bestowed upon him by the band director, parents and fellow students. He made a point of hugging my sister and referring to her as his aunt. She told me that she has to remind her two children to interact with adults, thank people and so on.

One of the highlights of the evening for me, besides the enormous pride I felt for my son, was when my sister said, "You raised your sons well. You raised your sons well, on your own." That little bit of recognition has been a long-time in coming. I think that most widows would appreciate acknowledgment of their feelings, and their reality. Also, a pat or two on the back for getting through some difficult and trying life situations.

My family would tend to downplay my reality - "It can't be that bad." "Other single moms are out there handling their lives. what's wrong with you?" "You focus too much on the negative." "There can't be so few single parents where you live."

Simply accepting my observations at face value rather than trying to contradict my reality would have been appreciated. Also, some praise at how I was coping, evolving and raising my sons on my own would have been a positive boost to my morale and self-esteem. Even late in coming, finally hearing some of these words was meaningful to me.

Being There

2011-05-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Doing those daily postings for the A-Z Blogging Challenge took a lot out of me. Also, there have been plenty of goings on with end-of-school-year activities, etc. I do okay with life when it doesn't throw any curve balls at me. But when I get hit with debit card fraud, baseballs hitting the windshield, on top of Prom and all the normal day-to-day functions, I seem to sink.

The debit card fraud was a big scheme that hit the Chicago area via Michael's, the craft store chain. Skimmers were put on the debit/credit card scanners, which is how they got my card and pin numbers. A number of stores in my area were targets - I had gone to two of them! Luckily, my bank did not allow the transactions to go through - in California at an ATM where they had made a phony card with my info. They tried to withdraw $500.00, then $300.00 and as a last ditch effort, $100.00 - all denied. But I was without a card for a week and had to keep running to the bank for cash.

The windshield on my son's vehicle was fixed on Friday. I am still dealing with insurance on that. I spent Mother's Day with Sam and had a nice meal out. We went to an Asian restaurant owned by a friend of his. She is a married mom of three with her oldest 13 and youngest 3. While we were there, Sam mentioned that his friend had confided in him that she is so tired, complaining of no time to herself, spinning her wheels, etc. "See, you are not the only one," he added. I just replied that it seems pretty much everyone in our society is tired these days. But his friend has a husband at home to confide in and pick up some of the slack. There IS a big difference when you are parenting on your own.

Driving home from Sam's, I listened to a radio broadcast about parenting teens today. The panel of church pastors talked about why parenting is different than in the past citing higher divorce rates, kids living in two homes, both parents working, living in such an instantaneous society. When asked what parents can do to counteract these pressures, being there, showing an interest in and attending the kids' activities was given as the top response.

I thought about that at the volleyball games I attended Monday and yesterday. It is tough getting home at 8:30 and then having to deal with laundry, homework and some kind of decent dinner. But I've made being there for my sons my #1 priority the past 10 years in an effort to raise them to the best of my abilities and to launch them into life as rounded, decent, caring, respectful young men and citizens of the world.

There is a huge sense of pride as I see what fine young men my boys have become. My oldest will be playing his original band composition next week at the final band concert along with it being Senior Night for volleyball. He is excited about starting college. On the volleyball court I see such a leader, not to mention his athletic and music abilities.

People tell me that when I look at other married couples and are envious of their union, to realize that their relationships might not be all that they seem. But I tell you, every marital problem and difficulty during the 12 years I spent with my husband (and there were plenty) do not compare in any way to the stress and strain I have felt as an only parent. I'd take all of those issues multiplied vs. the complications and hardships I've had to face raising these fatherless boys on my own. So that on top of the blog challenge and debit card fraud and windshield is just another aspect to my weariness.

But on Mother's Day, despite my exhaustion and all, I was reminded that as a mother I did what I felt was in my heart to do for my sons - I have been there. Granted the house has sometimes, well, most times, been pretty much of a mess - but I was there for two boys who needed their mom more than ever, and I should hold my head up for that with pride.

Crazy Life

2011-05-04T21:12:00.001-07:00

Just wishing for a little peace and tranquility these days. The past weekend has been a bit crazy with Prom. Then my debit card was involved in fraudulent activity - someone tried to use it in California but my account was flagged and the account closed before any money was withdrawn from my accounts - thank goodness for that! But it is disconcerting to know that my info. was obtained including my PIN # - I guess I feel as though I've been violated in some way. Tonight at Knit Club another member had the same thing happen to her debit card over the weekend in California as well. We both use the same bank. I was glad to know it wasn't some weird curse on me - apparently a number of other folks in the community were targeted.

To top it off, my sons' vehicle was hit by a baseball during batting practice in the high school parking lot on Monday - the entire front windshield will need to be replaced and I'm still waiting to hear if the school will help with the cost - my insurance deductible is $500.00 so I'll be paying for it without insurance reimbursement.

Those events have kept me hopping. Need a little R&R and time off to myself. It gets so hectic at the end of the school year. And I honestly have come to believe that life's glitches are much easier to deal with when shared with a supportive partner - facing all this stuff on one's own is very tedious and wearing - physically and mentally.

Zest as an Ingredient to Life

2011-04-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I have a tradition for each dance our kids attend. After we go for the photo sessions, usually around 4-6 p.m., we treat ourselves out to dinner. My friend who is also divorced has a hard time at these events, as do I, because we are usually the lone parents in the sea of married couples.

Tonight we met up as we usually do, grateful for a time to vent, talk and commiserate. We each had two drinks and a nice meal. Our conversation quickly moved on to other topics after we got the dance out of the way. I guess you can say that we have tried to create an enjoyable time for ourselves to counteract a trying and difficult experience. We've rewritten a recipe by adding a dash of zest and fun to an otherwise humdrum and bland dish. We end up looking forward to the end of the day which for both of us is full of errands and dealing with anxious kids. I thought about my dinner at the photo session and it helped me get through the hand shaking and meeting of other parents. A little sprinkle of courage and strength - a celebration that we made it through as single moms yet again - that we did what we needed to for our kids.

Wouldn't it be lovely to really have a little bottle of "zest" to take out and sprinkle over myself when the going gets tough?

Yin Yang

2011-04-29T20:11:00.001-07:00

Appropriate for today's royal wedding - "There is a male yang to every female yin. As Richard Bach puts it, "You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however." Quote taken from "Love in 90 Days" by Diana Kirschner, PhD.

Tomorrow my youngest son will be attending Prom and my oldest son will do so in two weeks. Spring brings with it thoughts of love. I am feeling more optimistic about life in general and the prospect of love too. Flowers are blooming here but still no leaves on the trees. After about two weeks of constant rain, there was sun today. We are grateful for not experiencing the tornadoes that devastated the South.

More options are presenting themselves to me. My manager at work told me how pleased they are with my performance and I am perfect for what they want in the position. My oldest son is eager to be going off to college at the end of the summer. Both boys are working, my youngest was promoted to supervisor and will be earning $20.00 hourly. I will be starting my Library Asst. classes in just a month. The harsh weather is finally over and I don't have to worry about that for the next seven months. What a relief that is! My family and I are closer than we have been in a long while.

I still wish there were more free hours in my life to stop and smell those newly blooming flowers. I would like to take a short vacation and have a lunch out with my sister. But life is so busy with the end-of-year school activities. Until then, I have my knit club and my attention has been reinvigorated to pare down my possessions in anticipation of moving once my youngest finishes his senior high school year. All of us seem to be on course for moving onward and away from this location but that it okay. It is time and we are ready.

X and the Unknown Factor

2011-04-28T19:40:00.001-07:00

What better photo to represent the letter X, one of the definitions of which is 3: an unknown quantity. Also, 1: the 24th letter of the English alphabet and 2: the roman numeral 10. I have no idea what this photo is of. Actually it looks a little scary to me. So it is a totally unknown subject to match the definition of an unknown quantity.

Hate the unknown. Just want some predictability and stability in my life. Life is an open book, life is an adventure, throw caution to the wind. I hear these phrases and think they might be good for those people needing a little excitement in their lives. But I've had enough in mine. Opening that door into the unknown has ceased to entice me. I'm not sure I want to find out anymore.

World Place

2011-04-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

I was reading before bed last night - Claire Cook's "Must Love Dogs" and a passage really struck me. It contained the word "world" and I knew that would be the "W" word I would post about today.

"I even missed Kevin. No, it was more that I missed the idea of a Kevin. Having a husband, even one I barely talked to, had given me a certain status, a respectability, a belonging. I had a place in the world. I knew what I'd be doing tomorrow, even if it wasn't particularly interesting."

Having a place in the world. Somehow I seem to have lost that place since my husband's death and then losing another to divorce. At least that is what it feels like to me. To be floating around in this vast world without that deep connection to another being. I feel without roots, powerless. My identity and worth was so tied up within my marriage.

It was good to read these words and gain new understanding and perspective as to how I feel and see myself. Good to see how someone else expresses these emotions and to be able to grasp the meaning at such a deep level.

Of course I know that I am important just by myself. That my life has value and meaning. I've done the best I can to raise two young boys to be productive citizens of the world. That is worth something. But when all is said and done, I realize for me the value and importance of being connected to someone within a relationship/marriage. There is no shame in admitting or needing that. It is who I am. A widow wanting out of widowhood.

Vision

2011-04-26T19:40:00.001-07:00

I was listening to the audio of Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope," and at one point she said that the reason people have trouble moving out of grief is that we are too stuck in our pasts. By that she means we keep wanting for our lives to be like they were before. Because that is impossible to achieve, we remain pretty miserable with our lives.

Actually, I think there is a point to this observation. I know that I wish I had my old life back. Trouble is, I am having trouble envisioning a new life. How are we supposed to do this? It is so much easier to want to restore what we had because it was known and we can see it our our minds. How do I look toward the future when I have nothing to throw my anchor into except a blank slate? My anchor is still stuck behind me because it was familiar and good. The future as an unknown is scary and treacherous.

I guess the point is that we need to have hope and faith in the unknown future. And to cast our anchors out before us blindly expecting the best.

You hear all this advice on what to do but I'm still lost. What are the steps we can take to start our future visions? If I come across any advice on this I'll provide an update, but I've been on this path awhile now and am still floundering.

Unity

2011-04-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

My youngest son, A., asked me if I would be attending the prom photo extravaganza this Saturday, with parents taking 200 shots of their teens before the dance. There was a question in his voice as he asked me this because he knows going to these events by my lonesome is not something I like to do. He even asked if Sam could come with me so I would not be alone. I will be meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. I assured him that I will be nice and not do any weird widow stuff.

It is unsettling for me to go to these things always facing off with couples. Something about being the underdog... It is awkward and uncomfortable. I go because I want to be there but am so relieved when the whole hour-long thing is over. I grin and bear it.

There is such an emotionally draining aspect of always having to go in and out of situations alone, meet new people who are part of a couple, constantly have the courage or faked confidence to walk into a place without someone familiar to lean on - to feel vulnerable and alone in new situations and circumstances.

I thought of the word unity and how for me it means togetherness and joining two or more into a supportive unit. When I looked the word up in the dictionary I was surprised to see that it means the state of being one. And here I am, alone and one, wanting to be part of a unit.

Remember all the "United We Stand" slogans that were bantered around after 9/11? There was such an emphasis on joining together and becoming unified. The emphasis is on a group acting as a unified front and therefore, the unit is stronger than the individual. I do feel that two are stronger than one. That there is a weakness in standing on my own two feet all the time. Of course I am a strong woman, who has done her best over the years to get on by myself and raise two boys on my own. But on Saturday I will be severely reminded that a lone duck on a pond is more at risk, less safe than those ducks within the safety of a group.

People think that facing challenges makes us stronger. That we grow used to our circumstances and more accepting or tolerant of them. Swimming in that pond on Saturday I will be the stray duck on the outskirts of the flock left behind as the others swim off together without a glance behind them, secure, safe and together in unity.

Throwing in the Towel

2011-04-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. I am thinking of the resolutions I had at the start of the year. I remember they seemed so simple and easy to achieve - to try and keep the sink clear of dirty dishes, to go through, organize and recycle my large stash of old magazines, to get through my backlogged unread emails now numbering in the 1000s.

Well, I gave it a good attempt, I really did. I tried doing dishes at night but was too tired. Then started to do them in the morning. Only then life sped up with show choir and college applications and the dishes started piling up again.

In January I made a huge effort at deleting all my old emails and within a weekend had gotten rid of 1000. But then the same old same old - no time for the computer unless to research or blog.

As for the magazines, my efforts there lasted about a day or two.

So in making the decision to throw in the towel, I have been using paper plates and cups which can at least be recycled. Last week during one of my numerous pharmacy runs to Walmart I found plastic storage containers that look like actual woven baskets and purchased enough for the bookshelf holding the magazines and now they are all in hiding and the shelf looks so much more neat and tidy.

As for the emails, well I'll try and see if I can devote some more time to that since the taxes and college financial aid apps are now completed. I know I have the option of just doing a massive delete job instead of going through them and maybe I should throw in the towel there too!

Shopping Story

2011-04-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

Why do we have so many unsettling incidents at the check out line of the grocery store? Is it because when we are there we're usually stressed, hurried and out of sorts? I usually try my best to be on my best behavior at the grocery store. Meaning I'll give up my spot to a person with fewer groceries or a harried parent. I try to make nice uplifting compliments. But sometimes I do get upset when I'm behind a person taking forever or there is a price check delay. One checker actually sneered at the half-price items in my cart and haughtily told me she would never buy "at code" products for her family! I didn't get upset. Just replied that as long as I use or freeze an item by its at code date there is no problem with it. Then I avoid her line whenever I see her at the store.

My sister passed on this story to me some weeks ago. It was late Saturday afternoon and she was at a big local chain tired and irritable. The woman she was behind was taking forever with a cart filled with $200.00 of groceries. "And then she brought out a fist load of coupons!" my sister added. She observed that the woman was about 60 and looked as though she wanted to talk to someone. "As if that weren't enough, after the groceries were run up the woman gave the checker an assortment of cloth bags of her own with detailed and specific instructions to pack all the cold and frozen items together!" By this time my sister was not amused. But she decided to not give into her irritation and instead be more sympathetic.

She overheard the woman explain the need for the specific packing because when she gets home she is too tired to bring all the bags in and just gets the cold things in first. My sister felt an affinity and connection with this woman's admission because face it, we're all pretty tired. She thought the woman's packing idea was a good one and perhaps she should do it too.

I related that it is such a hassle for me to lug in groceries up to a second floor apartment that if the boys aren't home to help me, I too, just bring in the perishable items. Sometimes by the end of the week, my car looks like I'm living in it. It is actually pretty embarrassing. But there are times too, that I'm just too tired to make multiple trips to and fro from the car.

So I guess this rendition is a hope for us to be nicer in grocery stores. My sister said she felt so much better adopting a kind attitude vs. one that was critical. And I feel for all of us out there leaving canned goods in the car longer than necessary simply because we're too drained to bring them in. Just going to the grocery store is tiring enough for me, much less bringing them in and putting them away. Did I tell you that sometimes the groceries just stay in their bags on the floor until they are used...?

Reality and Fantasy

2011-04-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

Here is my giant knitted door carrot. A perfect image for this post which is about reality and fantasy, as a carrot is real but my giant carrot created from fantasy.

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with my reality. I just don't want my life as it is. Of course I know I can't get my old life back. So then I concentrate on a new and better life. I'm doing everything I can to not accept my life as it currently is. I'm going to need some help and direction in getting through this mind set. I'm hoping the audio by Caroline Myss, "Navigating Hope - How to Turn Life's Challenges into a Journey of Transformation" will help me.

This afternoon before heading out to see my son's volleyball game, for the heck of it, I goggled inexpensive real estate in the college town my son will be moving to in August. I saw the most adorable charming and cozy cottage for under $45,000! I immediately pictured myself gardening outside and filling the inside rooms with my antiques, books and knitting. My mind continued to race ahead. I could probably find work as a library technician in a college town - heck I could even go back to school for my PhD. I enjoyed this little flight into fancy. It was actually giving me a lift!

As I drove to one of the wealthy suburban communities next to mine, I thought about how I am so ready to move from here. It is costly for one thing, and after my youngest finishes high school there is no reason to really stay. In fact, staying is painful in many ways. I arrived at the high school, which is actually so big it resembles a community college campus. I missed a few minutes of the game because I had to park so far away after figuring out which building housed the gym - as there were a number of athletic buildings, I finally tracked down the school bus that drove our team and asked the bus driver for directions.

Just more fuel to leave this area. It is congested and everything is so massive and pretentious. It would be relaxing and like a vacation to live in a smaller community and college town.

But as much as I enjoyed dreaming about the little 1940s small town cottage, I'm not sure that is the answer either in terms of my trying to accept the here and now. To find contentment and happiness in the present and not look forward to attaining it in the future. Still, I think about my door carrot and don't think there is anything wrong with flights of whimsy that make you smile at times. Such a hard concept to balance, our reality vs. our dreams.

Quality

2011-04-20T18:36:00.001-07:00

Although tonight at Knit Club I was named "Queen of the Unusual Scarf," and you can see my latest creation to the right, I am going to post on the Q word quality - but queen would sure be a lot easier and shorter.

Quality. The word is all over the place. I see it in ads for nursing homes promising residents "quality care." If a product doesn't have the words "Satisfaction Guaranteed" on it, the words "Quality Guaranteed" are there. "Salon quality at an everyday price." "The quality of life."

It's that last statement that gets to me - quality of life. What happens when your life situation changes for the worse and you go down in life quality? How are we supposed to cope and manage with this? I bring this up because I am still struggling to put the pieces of my life back together and to get back on track. It is not an easy process or quick.

I think about just the mid-aged people out there who have lost jobs and haven't found anything going on a year or more at this point. What is going to happen to these people working in retail or restaurants after they've held management or professional jobs? I know from my experience that working in a non-professional capacity is wrecking havoc on my life right now. I try to be grateful I'm working at all, and I am because it means since December that I have been able to fully feed my family without resorting to the food banks (which I hope to never visit again). But it is still a part of my life that bothers me - the boredom and lack of challenge especially. It does make me feel somewhat diminished personally to have a master's degree but having difficulty finding suitable work. Although I know I join the ranks of 1,000s.

So that aspect of my life does lower the overall quality of my life along with the loss of a husband/partner and being an only parent the past 8 years.

In this society we learn as children to strive for the best we can afford and to move/trade up be it with a job, education degree, house, car, furniture etc. We don't learn much about recovering after a fall. I guess that is not supposed to happen. I never thought everything that has happened to me would occur - an educated, attractive, middle-class, very nice mom/person. I assumed my life would just keep moving up the ladder as I'd been told it would as a child.

The quality of my life is not what I want it to be right now. I'm tired. I don't get enough free time or recreation or sleep. I worry too much. I don't like living or sleeping alone. I want to garden again, laugh and smile more, feel lighthearted instead of always dragged down.

So many aspects of my life to better and work on. Changes seem to come so gradually. I am starting my Library Technical Assistant Program in May. I have to do something to move forward into the professional arena of life again. Simply starting the program will do a lot to restore my confidence and faith in the future. I need to feel that the work I do is of value and importance to the world, something beyond the realm of showing guests to their tables at the restaurant.

Quality in part means excellence and superiority. I can't settle or stand for certain things in my life right now. I have to improve the quality of my life. I have to restore some excellence and status. I suppose I've reached my personal limit. I want a better and easier and happier life.

Pills

2011-04-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

Depression and OCD run in my family. So does high blood pressure and strokes. So when life got too stressful with my worry over feeding and clothing my family, I sought medical advice - early Fall. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med, one for depression and then two for high blood pressure. I did it for my sons. I need to be around for them through college. Having to deal with a mother disabled because of a stroke is not in the cards.

I know there are some people out there who seem to think I'm taking an easy way out. But I want to educate those not in the know that it isn't the case. Taking an anti-depressant doesn't make me automatically happy or high. I still feel my emotions, the sadness, worry and pain. I just have the ability to not hyperventilate and cry hysterically. The medication helps keep my emotions in check but it doesn't magically make everything better. These drugs aren't taken for recreation. They are being taken to keep my heart pumping normally and to help me get through my days on a more even keel.

I was doing pretty well on my own before my divorce and having to sell my home. Those two events seemed to do me in - the grief I felt was overwhelming and actually included internal physical pain. It's funny to live in a society that has medications to really assist people in need with their emotional issues. Yet at the same time there continues to be stigma toward the people taking medications - as though something is wrong with us because we can't handle life on our own.

For me, the benefits of trying to take care of and manage my emotional health are worth any of the stigma that is directed my way. I have an obligation to be there for my sons, in as healthy a way as possible. I don't feel I have a choice at this point.

Optimism

2011-04-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am not optimistic by nature. From the time I've been a little girl, I've tended toward the serious, gloom and doom side. I do focus on the negatives of life. Just the other day, I got the boys and I Qdoba for dinner - we had free coupons that expired that night and it was after a volleyball game, so it was late - 8:00 p.m. Of course, I ordered the small Nachos and didn't get any chips to go with them! Then for some strange reason, they've stopped sending me the Values advertising supplement that used to come every Wednesday in the mail. It is full of the store ads and coupons for fast food places which come in handy with the boys. I didn't request they stop my delivery. I talked with the postman and he told me to call the company putting out the ads. I did so but only got voice mail - left a message asking for the ads to be sent again, but after two weeks haven't gotten it yet.

Anyway, my youngest told me last week that I am the most negative person he knows. I wasn't upset, although this was while I was driving him to Build-A-Bear, a 20-mile round trip and felt he could have saved the comment for another time. I've been thinking about his statement. His interactions have been with me as an only parent, first grieving the loss of his father, then grieving my divorce and then the loss of my home. A lot of years with a lot of sadness and strain.

For a while now, I've been toying with the idea of really trying to be more positive in my life. To try and turn the negatives into positives and all that. I was going to even make this a new year resolution and give it a go for a month. But I've changed my mind. Pain, sorrow and hardship are part of the human condition. By pretending to make negatives into positives, I'm not honoring who I am or how I'm feeling. And I want to be as authentic as possible.

Here's the deal. We live in this society that doesn't want to feel any pain. We try to avoid it at all cost and put down people who can't seem to be more positive despite their problems. Well, right not life is hard in certain ways and I'm not going to gloss over that. My life is getting better but it is a slow climb from all the loss. This period of my life is just what it is. Some challenging years as an only parent following the death of my husband, loss of home and financial instability. And you know, that is okay. It can be kind of crummy right now. I don't have to make excuses for how I feel about my life or feel bad on top of all else because I can't muster up the strength to always be optimistic and cheerful 24/7.

I try not to wallow. I do my best to look for the good in everyday. But it is still okay to say that this is a tough time for me right now. That things could be better and that I wish they were. Sometimes to just be coping with the situation at hand is optimism in and of itself. And in closing, it isn't funny to come home with a bowl of uneatable Nachos and it not being worth it to drive back to the Qdoba the next town over.

No

2011-04-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

I said "No" this week. On Wednesday, my day off, I spent the ENTIRE day taking care of taxes (mine and the boys'). There were complications. My H & R Block guy had to reschedule the next appointment after me because we needed more time. Thursday I was supposed to go to a volunteer church activity with my girl friend but I didn't want to go. I was tired from the tax ordeal and kept looking around my home space in dismay. I just can't seem to rustle up the time to tend to home duties. Now why would I be volunteering my valuable time to give to others when I can't even take care of my own needs?

On that same note I told Sam I couldn't come to see him over the weekend. When I go to see him it is a break and fun but I come home to everything I left undone and it creates a lot of stress. So he is going to come for Easter.

Everything takes so much time - laundry, housework, cooking, cleaning. I have told myself that I have to focus on taking care of the home front first and foremost. No more running away for play time. That is a hard one, because of course we need free time and enjoyment. But I need to get some aspects of my life together and squared away and as a widowed mom, the only way that is going to happen is if I do concentrate on work for the time being. The playing can come later.

I don't often say "No." But I have to in order to preserve my sanity and move onward. There is that double standard thing going on though. When I assert myself and stick up for myself I'm often criticized and told I'm not organized or strong enough - that something is deficient with me. I won't play the game anymore. Thursday and Friday were so busy at work. I was tired both days. After work on Friday I went to my absolutely most favorite place in the world to go - Walmart - to pick up my son's prescription for acne medication. Every month I go through some major conflict getting this script filled and yesterday was no different. I ended up spending two hours in the Walmart (I will spare you the details). I hadn't had lunch and was starving. I considered buying a candy bar or something. I didn't get home until after 5:00. So for those out there constantly pointing a finger at me, I put up my hands and say, a big "NO more."

Movies

2011-04-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

Widowhood has robbed me of leisure time. One of the major leisure activities to go by the wayside has been movies. Since my husband's death I've maybe watched a total of 25 movies over eight years, including rentals and made-for-tv ones. I've gone to the show exactly twice in eight years. Before widowhood, movies were a regular part of my life. My husband and I would stay up most Saturday nights to view a rental and we went to the show as much as we could for a date.

I had this tradition of seeing all the Oscar nominated movies for Best Picture in the weeks leading up to the Oscars. My husband would sometimes let me steal away on a week night so I could see a movie while he watched the boys. The year of his death was the last time I ever undertook my Oscar viewing.

My boys are very active in sports so I suppose I've traded movies for watching numerous wrestling matches, baseball games, volleyball tournaments and football nights in the stands. My entertainment has also included musical performances of band, orchestra and show choir. And some plays and dance recitals thrown in for good measure.

So it's not as though I'm just sitting home alone not doing or seeing anything interesting. But it is still sobering to realize how much is really lost as a result of such a life change and widowhood. There just aren't enough hours in the day and I don't have two to spare sitting down watching a video.

It is Friday night, that night known for going out to catch a new movie or rent a new release. My tide is turning. One boy will be off to college next year with the other on his way the year after. My life will then free up and I'll have some spare time for myself to watch movies if I so desire.

But I've written these posts and observations to depict how demanding life can be for only parents. How something so many people take for granted, Friday pizza and a movie, might not be a part of everyone's life. So many losses, they all add up. If someone had told me at the onset of my widowhood that I would no longer be watching any movies, I wouldn't have believed them.

I think that when you live with someone or are dating, it is just a natural part of the situation to go out and do things, and seeing a movie is a pretty basic activity. When you're on your own there isn't the motivation to get out sometimes even to the Redbox. Not to mention the tiredness from day-to-day life - I'm not sure I'd even be able to stay up for the duration of a movie!

Love

2011-04-14T18:47:00.001-07:00

Of course I have to write about love today. Following are a couple quotes from Jane Green's "Dune Road" that I found relevant to me.

"Love is about companionship. It's about having someone by your side as you enter your golden years."

"She has been trying to tell herself that she isn't missing Adam, she is missing someone. Someone to help, someone who will ensure she won't have to do everything, absolutely everything in her life all by herself."

"Loving requires acts of love. It requires thinking of your spouse, doing things for them to make them happy. It requires acting in loving ways, even when you are tired, or bogged down with work, or so stressed you are waking up every night with a jaw sore from grinding your teeth."

"They forgot to love each other. they expected love to continue, without putting any work into it..."

"She just doesn't think she has the energy to start again, not to mention traumatizing the children even more."

"She has become more selfish, she knows, since living on her own with the kids. She is used to having everything done her way, is used to her stuff being her own..."

"It is so nice to have someone tell her son to behave, so nice to not be the only one dealing with the kids, attempting to teach them manners, reprimanding them. It is so nice not to be the bad cop all the time."

These statements capture a lot of how I feel about my life as a widow and only parent. Tonight I sat on the bleachers for a volleyball game and was behind two couples I've known since the boys were four and five. One of the husbands put his hand on the small of his wife's back and rubbed it in a circle. The moment lasted just a minute. Did this women even really notice his gesture? Then the wife of the other couple leaned on her husband for support as she got up. Another moment that lasted just an instant but which I saw with such intensity and clarity. I thought of how my husband and I should have been part of that group of couples, would have been if he were still alive. I would have most likely needed his support getting down the steep risers but as it is, I clomp clumsily down on my own.

I had love in my life and support and an involved co-partner and parent. We were really a good team together and good parents to the the boys. We had a good life. We were good citizens and people.

So now I tiredly get through the days on my own. But I continue to hope and dream of love. That it will touch my life again. That I'll be able to live with a partner in the future who will enrich my life and that both of us can grow and become better people because of our togetherness. That I'll be able to lean on someone going down the bleachers.

Knitting

2011-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Knitting is a part of me. It brings me great joy, an activity I love with all my heart. I've been a life-long knitter since high school. But there have been periods of greater intensity than others. I would say that my knitting really increased after the death of my husband. We used to co-coach our sons' travel baseball and soccer teams. The boys were on the same teams together and I can remember seeing my little family all together out on the field, Daddy coaching second base, me in the dugout keeping score, A. pitching and E. catching. It was the happiest time for me as a mother, all of us involved in a sport we loved.

After my husband died, I stopped being a part of the coaching team and my sons were put on separate teams. A. had been playing up to be with his brother since he was four years old, but parents complained that he was taking a spot away from another child the age of E. So I became the baseball mom intent on letting my boys continue to play travel ball because it would have been what their Dad wanted. Two boys on two different travel teams, only one mom. I was the only single parent with even one child participating in travel ball. It really is a sport where two parents come in handy.

Tournaments can last all day and be two hours from home. There I was sitting alone in stands watching one of the boys (I'd trade off going to their games equally). With time on my hands and feeling alone and vulnerable I turned to bringing my knitting along. I always had something to do and keep me occupied. And it took away some of the discomfort of being a new widow and on my own. I started to knit more gifts. In fact, the thank you notes I sent out after my husband died were hand tied with leaves I had knitted. They were just beautiful as I recall and matched the design of the cards picturing leaves.

Now I feel almost naked when I don't have my knitting with me and I always have some kind of quick and simple project to grab as I go off on my day. Joining the knit club has resulted in me knitting even more - I am inspired by the creativity around me and have created one new scarf or cowl a week since joining the club at the start of the year.

When I started dating and had to come up with an online dating site profile I asked the boys if it was too nerdy or old-fashioned to put down knitting as a hobby. My sons told me I had to do it because it really is who I am. And so I did. And the men I've become involved with received blankets, scarves, felted slippers, kitchen items, rugs, hats, and even felted baskets as gifts. I have knitted gifts for my sons' girlfriends, my girlfriends. sister and her daughter. I even knit darling little purses for my brother's little girls.

Now I am knitting a scarf of bright colored flowers in the yarns pictured in this post. It is an Easter gift for me so I can wear something new to church without having to spend the money on a new outfit. Tonight at knit club I made the smaller flowers, which were unbelievably simple to create.

Knitting is my treasure, my escape, my opportunity to be creative and giving as well. The health benefits are as good as actually meditating. I can knit with my eyes closed and knit amazingly fast (as noted by the other knit club members) and I have to say that gives me a sense of pride. Watching t.v. is never a total wash out since I am always knitting something. There is also the sense of control and wonder of being able to create something out of basically nothing.

Here is to my love of knitting and the pure joy it gives me even in times of despair. I always joke that I hope my Heaven is being able to live in a combined knit/book store. But for now I have to remember that I hold the power in my own two hands to create works of love, creativity and art. And besides that a skill that makes me feel good and talented. And lifts my mood. If I ever get around to writing a book it WILL NOT be about grief but a knitting book complete with my own patterns. Although as my son suspects, there might be a widow heroine, or maybe not. Knitting and grief shouldn't always be tied together as they often are in fiction. Knitting should be tied with hope and happiness.

Jewel

2011-04-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I made the conscious decision to start referring to myself privately as "Jewel." Kind of changing my name so to speak. This came about because of a situation I was having with a friend, said friend saying negative comments about the feelings I was having about certain things. It was also brought on by a couple books I've been reading by Claire Cook, who I just randomly discovered and is wonderful. Please check her out if you are not familiar with her. She wrote the book "Must Love Dogs," which was made into a movie. Her topics are about mid-life women empowering themselves and standing tall.

So after being bashed by this friend I just kind of had it. I thought about past relationships and patterns with them. I do have a history of being around people who don't treat me with respect. A number of romantic relationships have been with commitment fearing men. Well, no more I said. I deserve to be in healthy relationships where I'm treated respectfully and my opinion matters. In romantic relationships I do deserve to be courted (given small tokens, cards, flowers and so on).

I was lucky to have not had to deal with all of this stuff during my 12-year marriage. But now back out there as a single person it is a relevant aspect of my life. I have the choice to end relationships that aren't healthy or giving me what I want. I love a passage in Claire Cook's book "The Wildwater Walking Club," where the main character decides not to give men a second chance if they don't call here when they say they will. "Grow up" she tells them. That inspired me.

Only parenthood and widowhood is grueling. I really do the best I can. But it is hard. And I don't deserve to hear negativity about me for no reason other than the insecurities or immaturity of others. I don't have time for that anymore. I deserve better.

I can treat myself as a jewel and expect to be treated equally that way by others. And of course I need to look at other people as being their own jewels as well. Sunday night the boys and I watched Celebrity Apprentice, a family tradition. The Atlanta Housewife contestant bashed sweet Latoya Jackson by calling her a "ghost,' "old," and riding on the coattails of her family name. I was pretty shocked. It was very mean and immature. Who is this Atlanta housewife anyway? I've never even heard of her until this show. To resort to putting people down based on their appearance is so childish. Latoya was so gracious and dignified. I would not have been able to restrain myself and most likely would have hurled an insult back. But LaToya did not do so and believe me she just blew me away with her ability to stand up to such an attack on her person.

Ellen DeGeneres ends each of her shows with the words. "Be kind to one another." So here is a reminder for that and for all of us to look deeper within, especially when we're angry or upset with one another. A jewel wouldn't be insulting another jewel now would they - both are beautiful and precious!

Intimacy

2011-04-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I decided to post about intimacy today because it has been on my mind recently. Although I live with my two sons, go to work, have a few friends including a long-distance guyfriend and have been attending a weekly knitting club made up of 50 members, I still feel such an emptiness in the intimacy department.

I am a different person since my husband died. I am far more negative, less optimistic/hopeful and complain more than is probably healthy. I wasn't like this when I was married. Being married and the intimacy I felt within my marriage made me feel safe, loved and protected. There weren't that many reasons to feel negative or complain.

Since my husband's death I have not been able to feel the happiness and security I felt as a married mother and wife. There is such an unfilled void.

I was talking with another widow about 15 years my senior at the knit club. Her children are grown and her husband (it was a remarriage) was ill for four years after a stroke before his death last year. She told me that she has filled her life with people and activities - 3 knitting clubs, 2 gardening clubs, a book club, three cruises in the past 12 months, one of which was a gift from her children and to top it off she is extremely active in local politics. Yet, despite all this, she found herself not going out for three days over the winter and feeling frantic for a personal connection. She was worried that she was monopolizing the cashier's time by talking to her at the check out.

There is an intimacy that comes from living with a romantic partner that cannot be captured by a sibling, child, friend or grocery clerk. Personal interaction is needed on all levels of course but a husband's love can't be duplicated by a non-husband.

I took my youngest, A., to another Build-A-Bear yesterday so he could get a Panda dressed in a tux. The bear is holding a note that says, "It would be unpandabearable if you did not attend Prom with me, Love, Magic Oreo (the name of the bear). I just thought the bear was too cute for words dressed in the little outfit. Usually I put my nose up at these kind of things (the clothes are all made in China, tsk, tsk) but I'm letting my son have the pleasure of asking his nice, beautiful and smart girlfriend to the Prom with this gesture. He is in cahoots with his girlfriend's mom. They are going to put the bear somewhere in her house while she is out so it will be a surprise when she comes home and finds it.

This bear and the thoughtful gesture behind it seem to symbolize intimacy. A gift given in love, trying to please another, finding joy in the gesture itself, giving something meaningful to the other (she likes Panda bears apparently).

People tell widows they have to make the best of their situations and be grateful for all they do have in their lives. Yes, that is true. But somethings in life are truly not interchangeable. If you don't have intimacy in your life it can't be replaced with something else. Intimacy is built from trust, love, time, acceptance, friendship, compatibility, support, forgiveness - a whole combination of characteristics and values. And a very tall order to fill indeed.

Hope

2011-04-09T20:56:00.001-07:00

A Hectic, Hard, Hurry-Up kind of week. But it seems like I write about those subjects all the time so I decided to go with a different H word for the Blogging A-Z challenge - Hope.

There was a lot going on with volleyball throughout the week, then a huge show choir performance last night. One of the vb games was at the school my late husband taught at. So I asked my youngest son to go with me as a tribute to him, not just to see his older brother play. A. didn't really want to go but felt I would freak out if he didn't. He warned me not to do anything weird while at the game. We walked past Daddy's classroom and looked in the window, watched the game and I said a quick prayer to my husband hoping he was watching his oldest boy from above proudly even though they lost both games. It was emotional for me because my husband and I took the kids to a number of volleyball games there since he often went to school activities to support his students - and it was always cheap entertainment for us. Never did we suspect that one day our oldest would be captain of his volleyball team. At 6' he is one of the shortest members.

After the game it was late and we had to drive 30 minutes back home and get dinner going. I had hoped for a more meaningful experience but as always, life just scuttles on.

I was involved in making raffle baskets for the fund raiser for the show choir. This was a week where one night I fell asleep in my clothes, with all the lights on, having not brushed my teeth or washed my face. I Hate those nights.

Today my oldest was off to a vb tournament, which I did not attend because of the distance away. My youngest was working at the track meet at school but not running because his foot hurts. I thought I finally had some time to myself to clean our Home. That is all I wanted to do. Straighten up and establish some order to our living space since it looks pretty trashed from the past week. I had gone out to buy drain cleaner and was out doing other errands - no milk or tea in the house, when my youngest called for a ride home. I was in the car Heading Home and just turned around to the school. "Hurry up," he demanded. But when I got to the school he was no where to be seen. Typical. Then my son was famished from working outside a couple hours and we got him a Polish sausage meal with drink and fries from a cheap local mom & pop place - the meal was just $3.50.

Although all I wanted to do was go home and unclog one of the bathroom drains, my son begged me to take him to the mall so he could purchase a Build-A-Bear animal for his girlfriend. He will give it to her in some scheme asking her to Prom. I despise the mall. When we got there I couldn't find the Build-A-Bear and we walked the entire mall looking to see if it had moved. I saw the name of a store that sounded like it had potential - Furry Friends or something like that which turned out to be an actual pet store. Finally I asked a mall security guard and was told Build-A-Bear is no longer there. So that was a wasted excursion.

Which leaves me to the point of this post. A pretty draining week all in all. But when I finally got home I cleaned off the dining room table and put out a green pitcher I got from Goodwill for a dollar and filled it with some sprigs of spring flowers I picked up on sale at JoAnn's. Despite the Hardships and Hassles, I have to try and see the Hope out there. It was a tough week, but they all seem to be tough and tiring and no doubt will for another year or so. I really have to make a point of focusing on Hope rather than the difficulties.

This week my oldest played more volleyball than I can keep track of - he performed in a wonderful show choir event - and we had an opportunity to be at my Husband's school because my oldest was playing there. I got milk at the grocery store but forgot the tea. But I did manage to clean off the dining room table and it looks nice with the flowers on it. And that is Hope. And tomorrow I'll do more cleaning after I run out for a box of tea.

Gourmet

2011-04-08T21:28:00.001-07:00

In these times of economic hardship and worry, I have come to believe that every once in awhile we need to go for that gourmet treat be it a $1.99 cupcake or $6.00 glass of premium wine. Savor these splurges because we are worth being treated with TLC, especially when our moods and/or pocket books are at their most depleted.

Fear

2011-04-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

What do I fear? What have I always feared from childhood on? Being alone, unmarried especially, being rejected; having a lack of stability in my life. As I thought about this I came to the realization that I am living my deepest fears. I am alone. And while I don't really mind being alone, what I really mind is the unmarried label. I want and need to belong to someone, to be a part of a team. I was rejected by my second husband and that event shattered me to my core because it so closely followed the death of my husband.

Sometimes I overcome my fears. My losses have resulted in my being far less consumed by petty annoyances. Many times I say, "What the heck" and go out on a limb to say or do what I really want to - because I have nothing to lose. But other days, l am stuck in my fears, afraid to meet someone new, or go somewhere by myself.

Oftentimes I reflect that I really need to lose this defeated attitude. Having already encountered my deepest fears and to have lived beyond them, one would think that I would have long outgrown them.

To get what I most long for - stability, love and partnership will require me to face fear again and become vulnerable. It is a risk getting hurt when there has already been so much hurt and pain. To start over. Many times it is easier to just stay with the status quo and let life remain as it is. But then I realize I shouldn't be complaining about my life because I'm not doing much to change it. And I don't want to complain and I want my life to change. So the only option is to face the fear and risk the possibility of pain because there is always the potential for more. I'll keep my eyes and heart on the hope for a prize instead of expecting defeat.

Easy Street

2011-04-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of hardship. There are times I fully admit to the Universe that I want an easier life and I want it now! I've had my share of learning from grief, loss and difficulties. Seems to me that we can learn from kind and gentle experiences too.

We already live in a society that focuses on making the details in our life less cumbersome. All the fast food places, instant copies, Nice & Easy Hair Color, frozen dinners, to name just a few examples of so many.

I've started to use plastic cutlery and paper plates in an effort to cut down on the dishes piling up in the sink. I've even played the Lotto twice when the winning amount was way up there for the heck of it - someone will win and if I don't get a ticket it won't be me.

Bring on the easy life. I've worked hard all my life. In school, at home, in my marriages, with my children, on the jobs.

Tonight at Knit Club I struggled with a difficult pattern and after a few hours of work realized I would have to start over. All my work was for nothing. I lamented about this and how it tied in with the theme of what I wanted to post on as I drove home. Funny, but I thought about what photo I'd use for this post and low and behold ended up passing the street sign I used in this photo. I laughed about this coincidence - or was it really a coincidence? Wish everything would come to me as easily as this photo did to me today.

Days

2011-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

I have adopted the JC Penney slogan, "Every Day Matters" as one of my mantras. Every day does matter. Even the days when we are grieving, or consumed with pain, worry and frustration. There are times when I haven't thought my days have mattered. When I've been on my own, single and these past few years when we've had to cope with financial instability.

But I've come to believe that this is a very wrong attitude. It isn't right to put my life on hold because everything isn't all rosy right now.

Times are hard for me. But at the end of my life, I hope this blip on the radar screen of life will have passed. And I don't want to look back and see this past stretch of years as ones that I wasted by not treating myself with kindness, compassion, years devoid of small pleasures and happiness.

Each day I wake up and look at and then repeat the words, "Every day matters." Each day is a new beginning. One that we can start over if we've wrecked our diets or need to make some amends. I can greet each day as a gift and a chance to grow myself and nourish others. And to love.

When we're dealing with grief and loss it can be very easy to say life doesn't matter and to put our lives on hold thinking we'll start living again when things improve. I won't do that anymore. I'm doing my best to make each day, every day the best it can be. To make them count. To make them matter because they do matter. And maybe they matter the most when times are hardest.

Clean Slate

2011-04-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

It is finally Spring, the season of fresh starts and new beginnings. I am trying to be more authentic to my needs and feelings and expressing them in an open and honest way. So far I'm not having the best of success.

For whatever reason I seem to have hit a wall of exhaustion physically and emotionally. My girlfriend and I talked about this after church yesterday. I think it has to do with cumulative stress as an only parent. She agrees that there is great stress from never seeming to finish or complete what needs to get done. In our cases, there is always left over laundry and dishes in the sink. We've both kind of given up on having tidy and organized households but the fact is, our incomplete tasks are always there starting at us in our faces, mocking us, telling us we're not good enough because we can't seem to get it together.

Then there is the lack of a helpmate/tag team buddy reminding you of what you've forgotten or need to do, filling in for you when you can't, providing moral and physical support...

We both have kids of high school age yet there is a demand to still coordinate their schedules, keep track of who goes where when, to make meals, try to get to the mail. clean, shop, do laundry and so on.

For me at least, I don't sleep well alone and probably haven't had a good night's sleep since my husband died. That has to catch up with you over time.

And the constant requirement of having to make all the decisions all the time by yourself. I'm a better team player and don't like ruling the roost. Enough said with that.

Both of us have Seniors in high school and that in and of itself makes for a stressful year.

When I admit I am drained or tired or need help the typical response I receive is that I haven't organized my life well enough. I hear that other women have to remake their lives after the death of a spouse and why can't I seem to get it together?

Then I'm given the line about having the boys do more. Well, for two adolescent boys very active and popular at school, I think they are putting forth a decent effort. Both have tough part-time jobs and now buy all their own clothing and necessities. They work very hard at school and their jobs, and the jobs involve physical labor. One is in the final months of his Senior year and has numerous social activities to attend. He gets to attend those - he has earned it.

And I hear that I should cut back on my attendance at the kids' school events. But why should I? To me that is punishing the widow and the fatherless kids even more. The intact parents are all in attendance. I want to see my kids perform or compete, and if I'm not there no one is there for them personally cheering them on. But when I explain this reasoning, I'm told I'm playing the widow card and I should have stopped playing that years ago.

I defend myself. I am a widowed only parent. My stating the facts of my life simply and honestly doesn't make me a whiner. It is what it is. It explains why I act and think certain ways I do.

In my experience, widows don't win whatever they do. We're not supposed to complain, or compare ourselves to intact couples. Instead of being recognized for doing the best we can under trying and stressful conditions, we're criticized for not doing enough or doing it poorly. And in that regard we do end up being compared to others, which isn't fair. I can't admit or ask for help. When I do I'm weak and not with it. I'm criticized for bring up my widowhood or defending my children who've had more than their share of heartache.

I'm trying to keep The Four Agreements in my mind here. I should stand tall and hold my head up because I am being honest with myself and doing the best I can. Blast the people who criticize - I shouldn't take things too personally. But I'm not going to back down and give in and say everything is all right and yes, I need to get my life in better order and stop playing the widow card. It is a new season and I'm going to stand tall and state my truth and feelings as I see fit. I can do it sincerely and without anger. I don't want to pretend anymore because it makes other people more comfortable. If I can't do something anymore because it is too hard for me that is the reality.

These are the seeds I want to be planting now. Seeds of honesty, openness, realism and truth as I see it, not how others see it or want it to be. I deserve to live a life of truth and to be able to express what is in my life without being put down, insulted or made to feel I'm not doing well enough. Because truth be told, I truly am doing the best I can and most days go above and beyond. Too bad that is seldom acknowledged or praised.

As hard as it is I will try to overlook how others view me and sing some praises to myself for a change. Yeah me! Happy Spring. This is the season for watering my seeds and having them grow into real flowers - strong, honest, resilient and beautiful to boot. There aren't going to be any fake, phony or artificial flowers around this Spring. I don't have the patience of desire for them in my life anymore.

Bear Scout Oath

2011-04-02T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have joined the blogging A to Z challenge where each day you compose a post starting with the letters of the alphabet and today's is "B." This continues through the month of April with Sundays off. I thought it would be a fun thing to do. But back to the bears.

In an effort to pare down my life, I've been selling or giving away a lot of my books. The ones from the boys when they were younger has been kind of hard. They aren't readers but that didn't stop me from filling the book shelves with Scholastic paperbacks, picture books of dinosaurs, animals, the human body, as well as sport figure autobiographies. So many of these books were untouched. At the time they were purchased my husband was ill and there wasn't much time for reading before bed.

So now as I empty the shelves (or try to), I read these books before going to the used book store to sell them. I suppose this is a weird grief reaction but I cannot let them go to waste. It is almost some kind of defiant statement by me saying I won't let the three years of my husband's fatal illness end up robbing me of the books I was supposed to read to the boys. Even though now I'm reading them myself.

But you can learn a lot from books for the younger set. I especially enjoyed The Hardy Boys series because it was dated and brought me a sense of nostalgia. Did you know that the series started being written way back in the 1930s? Mrs. Hardy always makes a chocolate cake for the boys to eat at lunch - that is a hoot!

"The Berenstain Bear Scouts and the Sinister Smoke Ring," sets out The Bear Scout Oath which is as follows:

"A Bear Scout...

1. Is as honest as the day is long.
2. Admits when he or she is wrong.
3. Respects the creatures of creation.
4. Views TV in moderation.
5. Is never cruel, rude, or mean.
6. Plays the game fair and clean.
7. Does his best at school [life].
8. Following the golden rule, always respects the rights of others, including even sisters' and brothers'."

As I read this oath, I figured it was pretty applicable to me now as an adult - really for all of us. If we all made an effort to follow these guidelines, a lot of the conflict we feel, cause and participate in wouldn't exist.

Angela's Ashes

2011-04-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

Just finished Frank McCort's memoir, Angela's Ashes. I have had this book on my shelf for years and avoided reading it because I knew it would be sad. There was already so much sadness going on in my life already, I didn't want to bring more in. But in March, I always try to read a few books by Irish authors. And I'd read a quick one by Maeve Binchey so decided before the month ended I'd finally pick up Angela's Ashes. I finished it in two-three days. And now wish I had someone to discuss it with. It is yes a sad book, but very impacting. So you forgive the sadness.

What would I want to discuss? The role of the Catholic church in the lives of its followers; the funny parts of the book; how angry I was at Frank's father for his alcoholism; the anger I felt at Frank's family for knowingly treating he and his family poorly; the relationship between ignorance and poverty. That would just be a start. I will definitely have to get the sequel "'Tis" as soon as I am able, because now I am on pins and needles wanting to know what happens next. And I had forgotten that this memoir was made into a movie so I can look forward to seeing that too.

I guess the tie in here to widowhood is how much I miss having someone to talk to, really talk to about books, life, my feelings, dreams, fears, etc. You can't have much of a meaningful conversation with the grocery check-out clerk. Both of my husbands filled this role, and I will have to say that my second husband and I talked much more at length and at a deeper level than my first husband and I did. He also asked me to always relate the plots of the books I was reading and I appreciated his interest. To have someone ask you to fully relate the plot of the book you've finished and to really be interested in your rendition of it!

I brought up my desire to discuss this book while I was at my knit club and someone shot back with, "Join a book club." Boy, I've heard that one a lot over the years. But I guess what I'm missing here is not so much the need to discuss a book, but the deeper need for intimacy with another person.

At the volleyball tournament tonight as I sat alone in the stands, I looked at the couples around me. They seemed so familiar with one another. To know someone so well as to have them be predictable - that is a good thing. I imagined these couples going home tonight and into their beds and then making love with one another. Each of them so familiar with one another that the curves and creases of their known bodies bring them comfort, safety and a sense of security. As well as excitement.

This October I would have been married to husband #1 for 20 years and we would have shared the intimacy I felt radiate from the couples on the stands with me. I have never been excited about the prospect of dating again because it will be fun to get to know someone and all the stuff about the glow of new love. The first time husband #1 and I had sex I remember saying to him, "Oh, just let's do it to get it over with. After this first time it will start getting way better."

Talking about Angela's Ashes would lead to more deeper conversation. I hope someday to have the level of intimacy I shared with both my husbands. I hope to feel that familiarity that comes from really knowing someone and accepting them, flaws and all. And in fact loving them for their flaws.

Simplicity

2011-03-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

Heroic Widowed Only Parent Mom

2011-03-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last week began with my oldest, E., calling me hysterically from the automatic banking machine. He had deposited his cash tips totaling $140.00 and didn't receive a receipt. 18 years old. I've been told by some that I should and even could declare myself more "free" from him. That legally I am no longer even responsible for him. Are you kidding? Maybe 18-year-old males need parental input and support more than ever. I will never desert my sons. My childhood involved my siblings and I to be virtually self-sufficient. And I didn't have children to carry on that legacy. Yes, I need to guide my sons to be responsible and independent adults. But that doesn't mean shooing them out on their own upon their 18th birthdays.

My son ended up calling the bank's "Help" number. I didn't know what else to tell him. He was upset that it was outsourced and had difficulty understanding the woman he spoke with. It was not the time to tell him that I do not use these kinds of machines after hours for just the reason my son experienced. But he was assured that his deposit was credited.

Later in the week, I had the surreal experience of getting E. to two locations at the same time - his first volleyball match, which he was very pumped about since he is head team captain, and yet another band concert. Both locations were 30 minutes apart from one another. Said heroics involved a migraine (mine), negotiations with the vb coach and band director, my son changing into a tux in the van, and running down the halls of the high school to get his instrument from the band room and then to reach the stage. I will leave it at that and forgo more details.

This weekend, I had a 12:15 a.m. run to the all night pharmacy for some medication for my youngest, A. And so it goes.

I am tired and depleted. No one to share the responsibilities with or the logistics of how to figure all this stuff out. Sometimes the difficulties cancel out all the joys of parenthood. When I sink under the covers no one pats my shoulder and says, "Job well done, Mom."

I bring this all up now because I feel I haven't taken care of my own needs. The boys have always come first as it should be. But my relationships have always seemed lopsided, uneven. How can dating or seeing someone ever be fair and equal when my life is so intense and busy? The men in my life haven't had full time parenting responsibilities and have not understood the pressures always on my plate. I end up getting resentful and upset because it isn't even. Sometimes it has felt as though I have to do most of the work in my home along with my personal life.

Is there a solution to this? What do other only parents do when dating when they end up feeling like this?

I have decided to direct the focus onto myself this Spring a little more than I have in the past. I need to tend to my own home and affairs. That is just the way it is and has become. I still have never finished organizing our living environment or my finances and paperwork. It is Spring Break and the boys have promised to help me in this process. I will be more demanding of them.

One of my divorced girlfriends leaves her two kids, the ages of my sons, to fend for themselves over the weekends as she is with her boyfriend, out dancing, going for a drink, etc. I don't approve. She, I suppose is disapproving of my not getting out much socially. We represent two ends of the spectrum. Maybe it is impossible for only/single parents to lead balanced lives. It will just end up being lopsided, falling more on one side than the other. Parents constantly bemoan the fact that there aren't enough hours in the days. For only parents, there truly aren't. Nor is there enough steam in the engine to sometimes accomplish what needs to get done in the most productive manner.

Instability

2011-03-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

Drove to the ethnic grocery store where I can get good deals on fruit and bakery items. Ahead of me in the parking lot, a pile of paper was churning around in the air in front of the stop sign. Immediately I felt a connection with the mess of paper, which I related to the turmoil going on inside myself and the need for it to STOP. At that point I also realized that the reason for my mood plunge may be the fact that I've had to switch meds because I lost my insurance through the state plan. Reason being that my oldest turned 18 and as such, is no longer considered a minor under my care. So my income was recalculated and I did not qualify for coverage, although both my sons will continue to be covered until they turn 19.

Now this is all crazy. Because how are kids at the tender age of 19 supposed to be able to support themselves and provide themselves with insurance, especially if they are in school full time? I can also attest to the fact that at my income level health insurance is almost impossible to afford. Working in retail and at a restaurant, I can also relate that these establishments keep a tight lid on employee hours specifically to keep them from qualifying for insurance benefits. That is why I am so eager to get a better job and to possibly remarry.

I did scramble and was able to obtain health insurance coverage for myself through my pension plan at the tune of $187.00 a month, which is actually pretty reasonable. Although the coverage is effective as of March 1, I still have not received an insurance card. It would cost me over $800.00 a month to cover my sons under a family plan.

I ran out of medication and found that the anti-depressant would cost over $100.00 to refill and the blood pressure pills about $84.00. So my doctor prescribed new meds under the $4.00 medication list from Walmart. Only problem, anti-depressants take a number of weeks to kick in. So now I do feel a drop in mood and my mental stability. And it doesn't help that I'm experiencing a huge bout of PMS this month too.

Stability. That is really what I long for at this point. A stable life and a stable mood. Widowhood can be chaotic and unstable. I want an easier and more predictable life. Not one where I have to scramble for insurance coverage and then deal with the ups and downs of changing medications. I know I sound like a broken record but I see widowhood and only parenting as a see saw. When there is a partner on the other seat, the see saw can be balanced. But with only one rider, the see saw is impossible to balance.

That blowing around garbage was a good visual metaphor for how I feel right now. Make the instability STOP please. Let me feel and live on an even keel. Please send me some balance. With balance comes peace, hope and contentment. It is just so hard to keep balancing everything by myself.

Books/Authors/Widows

2011-03-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

Looked into attending a lecture/appearance by Joyce Carol Oates at the Harold Washington Public Library in Chicago next Thursday but it is booked. She will be speaking about her latest memoir dealing with her grief after the death of her husband. I know this book has been in the recent news. I read a little about it and her reasons for publishing it, in part, she says to educate the public on grief.

My own feelings are mixed about purchasing the book. It is another one dealing with that "first year" time frame. Been there, done that. Seems like most grief books cover the first year and I am so past that now, yet still daily affected by the death of my husband. Why are there no books out there covering the grief years for those of us longer-term widows? Why is widowhood looked at constantly from that single year period? For me at least, the first year was such a blur it was like it didn't even exist anyway.

Have just finished the classic Edith Wharton novel, "The House of Mirth." Why I even read this I don't know except that it is a classic. Surely, a book about the social silliness of the New York upper class at the turn of the century doesn't have a lot of meaning today. Or maybe it does - I'll have to consider that.

But the story is about a society girl tumbling into poverty. One section at the end, really caught my eye. Lily has just bumped into a poor young women she helped with medical care when she still was wealthy. Here are her comments on that woman, Nettie:

"The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meagre enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff - a mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss.

Yes - it had taken two to build the nest; the man's faith as well as the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words: "I knew he knew about me." (her past with another man). Her husband's faith in her had made her renewal possible - it is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be!"

There again is what I have strongly come to believe. It is easier with a partner, it is easier when you're happily married, two are better than one.

I am sinking under the tiredness of life on my own. Now that my oldest is graduating, in the end, should I remarry or live with someone again, I will still say that I raised the boys on my own - on my own.

I don't know how to act or think any more. Yes, I am working and starting to socialize more. But the women in my knit club seem so remote to me. Two are widowed but much older than I, with grown children. The others are all married and as they share and talk about the details of their lives, husbands doing the taxes, going on cruises, dealing with their houses (I'm the only apartment dweller out the group of 50), I just can't relate and feel left out - as I usually do.

I am not sure at this point how to even act in a romantic relationship and what is realistic for me to expect from a partner. I only know that I am feeling unfulfilled in certain ways with Sam who lives 250 miles away. Do we even have a relationship? He expects me to drive out to be him with on weekends and can't come to see me because of his retail management job not granting him two days off in a row. But I'm tired of this and don't feel emotionally supported. I'm supposed to be content with this arrangement for the next year while waiting for my younger son to finish high school? What are we anyway? He still is gun shy about remarriage. I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't even define and exists at a standstill because of distance and lack of contact.

My job is so boring and also frustrating, after work today, I picked up the summer community college course directory to sign up for the Library Assistant Program which starts at the end of May. I have to do something, anything to move myself into some sort of professional environment.

I feel in limbo and at odds with life and my feelings right now. I don't want this life anymore. Somehow I have to muster up the strength to bring change to my situation. But as Lily reflects, it is difficult when one doesn't feel there is someone on your side supporting and even holding you up at times. Lily in the end fails and can't do it on her own. Why aren't there any books out there relating this life and the trials affecting poor, tired, only-parent widows about ready to fall off the cliff because their nests are blowing away...

Spring Yarn

2011-03-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

There is a fragrance by Clinique called "Happy" and indeed, when you smell it, the scent is about as close to what I would describe as happiness in a bottle. Also, a fragrance called "Red," and again, if there is a way to bottle the smell of a color, this one sure does fit. I wear it every February as it is more of a winter fragrance in my opinion.

I came across an inexpensive bulky skein of yarn from the Deborah Norville line at JoAnn Fabrics. I believe it was on sale and was only $3.00 or so. The color was called "Spring" and seeing and touching the candy cane/Easter egg hues made me immediately think of spring. So I got a couple skeins and started playing around with different patterns to make a spring inspired scarf.

The pattern I settled on if from the book "One Skein Wonders," called "Jan's Sensational Scarf." It can be worked in virtually any yarn on size 15 needles. The pattern is K1, "K1, Yarn Over, Knit Two Together," K1, repeating the center section. The scarf in the photo was made with 14 stitches. I whipped it up in a little over an hour and wore it to Knit Club. Then at the club I started a more narrow one to give to my sister with just 11 stitches. Almost got it finished last night. I got a lot of compliments on the yarn and the scarf last night. I must say it is nice to hear kind words of any sort.

I look forward to finishing the scarf tonight and sending it to my sister tomorrow after work. This is to replace the winter cowl I made her for winter wear and which she has received many compliments on. When times get tough or my mood gets low, I need to remember the power I have to spread cheer and hope. Even in the worst of times I can dig up a couple dollars or root through my yarn stash and create an item that cuts through the gloom and late spring snow and cold. When I wore the scarf yesterday evening, there was a sense of pride at having created my own accessory and the fun of having done so with such an aptly inspired yarn for this time of year, when everyone's mood is craving brighter colors, lighter clothing, plants/flowers and sunnier skies.